Chapter Six: Death For All Measures and Occasions!

The streets of Nerima twinkle in the morning light. A purple sphere 
materializes and begins to grow, until it is the size of a man. Out of 
it steps a battle-scarred Dr. Tofu.

Tofu: At last! I'm back! Ever since I was swallowed by that stray 
wormhole, about after the time Ranma lost his strength, there has been 
only one thing I've longed for! (Visions of Kasumi dart in the 
background) But the price paid in order to cross worlds intentionally... 
Oh, all those innocent babies... (Visions of a nursery full of infants 
covered by the shadow of Dr. Tofu) No! I refuse to think of it! Anything 
to be with my dear, sweet Kasumi again!

Akane begins to walk up the street, swinging her mallet to and fro, and 
muttering to herself.

Akane: Goddammit! Ranma can go fuck anyone he likes! See if I care! I 
don't care if he fucks Kasumi's kid, even!

Tofu (thinking): "Kasumi's... kid?" That would mean...!

Akane's mallet hits a nearby building, dislodging large chunks of 
concrete that fall, crushing Dr. Tofu underneath. Akane walks by, 
oblivious.

Scene changes to Kowai's room. The little girl is awakening and is 
surprised by the lack of Nikumi's presence. Kichigai enters the room.

Kichigai: I can't believe it, sis! I finally found my one true love, and 
now this bandanna wearing geek's trying to steal her away from me!

Kowai: Who?

Kichigai: My brown haired goddess! This plebeian with a bandanna's 
forcing himself on her!

Kowai: Bandanna?

Kichigai: Dammit, I've gotta lie down. (Leaves room.)

Kowai (thinking): So, a painted Jezebel has stolen him from me. 
(Speaking now) They must pay. But how, Bippo-san?

Bippo-san: ...

Kowai: No, that would never work.

>From below, the sound of Hikaru entering can be heard.

Hikaru: Honey, I'm home! We've finally finished the DEATHROBOT2000!

Kodachi: That's wonderful, dear! Why don't you have something to _eat_ 
in celebration?

Hikaru: No thanks, I'm too tired. Hey, remind me that my pass card is on 
the end table, in case I forget, okay?

Bippo-san: ...

Kowai: Yes... I was thinking the very same thing.

Scene changes to the streets of Nerima, where a van suddenly pulls up, 
screeches to a halt, throws Happosai out, and drives away. A crowd forms 
around him.

Crowd: Oh no! It's that perverted old man! Run away!

Happosai: No! I've been reformed! I... (Sees a few women's ankles and 
has to resist the urge the throw up.)

Crowd: Huh? What's that?

Happosai: Yes! I can't even think about fighting or pretty ladies 
anymore, without becoming violently ill! (A single tear rolls from his 
eye.)

Voice From the Crowd: Is that so?

The crowd begins to chuckle. Many people crack their knuckles.

Happosai: Uh, oh...

Scene pans from Happosai being violently beaten, to the exterior of 
TENDO CO. Kowai enters, using her father's electronic pass card.

Kowai: Now is the time of truth, Bippo-san.

Bippo-san: ...

Scene changes to Nayami and Nikumi waking up from a night spent on a 
couple of park benches.

Nayami: Owwwwww... I hate my life.

Nikumi: Hey, did you hear something?

Suddenly, the DEATHROBOT2000 appears on the horizon, crushing pathetic 
human habitats underfoot as it enacts its role of ultimate destruction.

Kowai (over the DEATHROBOT2000 speaker system): PEOPLE OF NERIMA. HELL 
HATH NO FURY AS A WOMAN SCORNED. BRING FORTH THE PAINTED JEZEBEL WHO 
SEEKS TO STEAL MY LOVE, OR YOU SHALL ALL DIE.

Scene changes to interior of DEATHROBOT2000's cockpit. Kowai sits, her 
legs dangling from the oversized chair, sipping on a small bottle of 
orange juice.

Kowai: We'll give them some time to see reason, Bippo-san.

Bippo-san: ...

A few seconds go by.

Kowai: Okay. That's enough. DIE.

The DEATHROBOT2000 begins firing its missiles, destroying entire 
sections of Nerima in a fiery blaze. The machine seems to glow with a 
hellish light, as it marches through town. It bumps into "Ucchan's," 
sending a wooden board falling down upon the proprietor, crushing her 
legs instantly. Hikaru stands with his mouth gaping, next to Nabiki and 
Kodachi.

Nabiki: Gosunkugi-kun, why is it that our top secret robot is destroying 
the town?

Hikaru: Uh... Uh...

Kowai (over the DEATHROBOT2000 speakers): AM I MAKING MYSELF CLEAR HERE?

Kodachi: My, that sounds like Kowai-chan.

Nabiki: "Kowai-chan?"

Kodachi: Yes! Our daughter!

Nabiki: Is that so?

Hikaru: Uh... Uh...

Mousse drags Shampoo along through the fleeing crowd.

Mousse: This way, Shampoo!

Suddenly, the DEATHROBOT2000 steps on him and his deceased lover, 
grinding them both to a meat jelly.

Scene changes to interior of the DEATHROBOT2000 cockpit. A small ball of 
fire floating in front of Kowai, begins to grow.

Kowai: Um... Is it supposed to do that?

Suddenly, the ball shoots a tower of flame upwards.

Scene changes to the tower of flame rising to the sky. The tower then 
branches off into ten streams that shoot off in the directions of major 
countries. The lights of their incredible impacts can be seen on the 
horizon. The DEARHROBOT2000 shuts down, its power spent.

Scene changes to interior of the DEATHROBOT2000 cockpit.

Kowai: Darn. We'd better leave, Bippo-san.

Scene changes to a small escape pod being jettisoned from the back of 
the DEATHROBOT2000.

Scene shifts to  Nabiki, Hikaru, and Kodachi staring at the wreckage. 
Behind them, several TV's light up with a sudden interruption.

News Guy: This just in! Several major countries, blaming Japan for 
devastating nuclear attacks, have declared WORLD WAR! We bring you to...

Kodachi: Husband, it seems that you have let our daughter start 
Armageddon.

Hikaru: But... but...

Kodachi: Looks like someone needs to be _punished_!

Kodachi drags off a protesting Hikaru, while Nabiki stands with her 
mouth wide open.

Scene shifts to the interior of Nabiki's apartment. She is packing a 
suitcase.

Nabiki: Time for "Francesca Demalray" to start her new life in Tahiti!

Creepy Voice From the Shadows: It is time for the payment.

Nabiki: What?!

A lanky, reptilian monster steps into the light. Steam rising from its 
jaws.

Azgaroth: Azgaroth demands payment for services rendered... I will 
swallow your soul!

Nabiki: DAMMIT, GOSUNKUGI-KUN!

Sounds of ripping flesh are heard throughout the city.

Scene changes to a slightly bandaged Happosai changing his clothes in 
some back room.

Happosai: I'm not going to let this little setback make me late for my 
new job!

Happosai finishes dressing, revealing his clothes to be that of a 
priest.

Happosai: Okay!

Happosai walks out of the back room and into his new church.

Scene changes to Hikaru nursing his wounds on his and Kodachi's bed. 
Suddenly, a little red man with horns, wearing a business suit appears 
in a puff of smoke.

Little Red Man: Hey, Hikaru-kun!

Hikaru: Aaah!

LRM: Hey, it's just me, your old pal Rektok!

Hikaru: Phew! For a second there, I thought you were my wife in a new... 
outfit.

Rektok: I don't wanna know... Anyhow, I'm afraid Kalgara's getting a 
little impatient.

Hikaru: I'm trying! Honestly I am!

Rektok: I don't doubt it, but... look, she likes you... Heck, I like 
you! You're my kinda guy! But this is business, yes?

Hikaru: Please! Isn't there anything I can do?

Rektok: Well... Maybe if you gave her something to tide her over...

Hikaru: Yes! Anything!

Rektok: Okay, buddy! I'll talk to her. Good luck!

Rektok disappears in a puff of smoke.

Hikaru (taking out an ornate sacrificial knife): I know what I must do.

Scene changes to Akane entering a hospital.

Akane (thinking): So this is where Ukyou is... I'll take care of that 
bitch, once and for all!

Akane enters Ukyou's room. Ukyou lies in bed, a sheet covering her 
mangled lower body. Next to her is a cooler.

Akane (bending over Ukyou, holding a mallet behind her back): 
Hellloooooo, Ukyou.

Ukyou (grinning and reaching into the cooler): Helllooooooo, Akane. Say, 
since you're here, why don't you have some (pulls out a fist of frozen 
okonomiyaki) OKONOMIYAKI?! 

Ukyou begins stuffing the frozen okonomiyaki down Akane's throat. She 
desperately tries to dislodge the food, but Ukyou continues to cram more 
in there.

Ukyou: Eat it! Eat it! Eat it! Eat it!

Akane finally suffocates and collapses dead on the floor.

Ukyou: Hahahahaha! Take that! Damn, I need a drink.

Scene changes to Kodachi taking her poisonous concoction out of its 
Tupperware container. Footsteps are heard.

Kodachi: Is that you, darling? Why don't you have some _dinner_?!

Hikaru lunges at her with knife, slicing her neck cleanly.

Hikaru: Sorry, dear. I love you, but you _don't_ want to cross Kalgara.

Kodachi's lifeless body falls to the floor.

Scene changes to Nikumi and Nayami standing by a newsstand. Nikumi is 
perusing through a paper which headline reads, "WORLD WAR III 
APPROACHING!"

Nayami: I can't believe we survived! I feel like this is a living 
nightmare!

Nikumi: Well, there's plenty a' people worse off than us. Check this 
out... Some housewife named Kasumi OD'd on happy pills and died 
yesterday.

Nayami's eyes bug out.

Scene changes to the interior of the Tendo Dojo. Ranma is pacing back 
and forth.

Ranma (thinking): I wonder when that bitch is gonna get back. Dammit! 
Ever since our marriage's gone to hell, I've felt a need for... release! 
But I can't have an affair with anyone, she'd find out an' kill me for 
sure!

Suddenly Katsunashiki, the Unryuu Pig Farm's prize sumo pig wanders in, 
sniffing the trail of Nikumi.

Katsunishiki (thinking): I must find him! As the last surviving member 
of the Unryuu clan, he is my rightful master!

Ranma sees the pig and an idea suddenly forms in his mind. He begins to 
lick his lips and walk towards Katsunishiki.

Scene changes to Happosai entering the church. His presence becomes 
known to the small congregation of young altar boys.

Altar Boy #1: Hey! That guy stole my mom's underwear!

Altar Boy #2: Let's get 'im!

The altar boys swarm on Happosai and begin to savagely beat him.

Happosai: No! Wait! Aaaaaaah!!!

A few of them take some of the lit candles and scorch him. They smoosh 
holy wafers in his eyes and ram a cross down his throat, as they 
continue to rip him to bits.

Altar Boys: Kill the pig! Bash her in! Spill her blood! Kill the pig!

Happosai convulses slightly, then lies still for all eternity.

Scene changes to outside the Tendo dojo. Katsunishiki bursts out the 
doors, crying. He runs right into the street and gets hit by a truck and 
dies. The voices of Akane and Ranma can be heard from within the dojo.

Ranma: Dammit, Akane! You fucked a pig again!

Akane: You fucked Ukyou!

Ranma: Did not!

Akane: Liar!

Sounds of smacking ensues.

Scene changes to the newsstand. Nayami lies sobbing on the ground, with 
Nikumi trying to comfort her.

Nayami: Nooooo! (Sob! Sob!)

Nikumi: Let's get outta here.

Nayami: What?

Nikumi: Let's get the hell outta this town. We don't need bus fair, we 
can walk. Anyplace... anyplace is better than this.

Nayami: But what about your (sniff) vengeance?

Nikumi: I don't need to kill Saotome, he's already in hell.

Nayami: O-... kay.

Nikumi: All right, let's go! Just let me take another hit. (Pulls out 
huge needle and injects it into his arm.)

The two begin to run down the street. They eventually arrive at the 
empty field behind Furinkan High School, when a familiar voice stops 
them.

Kichigai: Well, well... What do we have here?

Nayami and Nikumi slowly turn to see their dreaded pursuer.

Nikumi: Dammit, if only...

Nikumi suddenly spies a bullet lying in the grass.

Nikumi: What luck! 

He reaches for it, but then halts. A long spike has been embedded in his 
neck. He falls and Nayami screams.

Scene changes to outside the Tendo Dojo. Ukyou, confined to a 
wheel-chair, wheels her way to the entrance. She begins to knock, which 
opens the door.

Ukyou: Ranma?! You's there?! I kill'd (hic) Akane!! We cen fuck now!!!

Ranma enters, his hair done in Akane's short style, and wearing her old 
school uniform. He is also wielding her mallet.

Ranma: I AM Akane! DIE, SLUT!!!

Before Ukyou can react, Ranma beats her to a bloody pulp with the 
mallet. He swings and swings until her brains fly out and smack the wall 
behind her.

Ranma: Now it's YOUR TURN, Ranma!!!

Ranma begins to beat himself with the mallet. He continues to smash it 
on his head, until he can move no more. The blood of the two corpses 
spread outwards to cover the floor.

Scene changes to the Furinkan field. Kichigai cackles, his foot on the 
corpse of the fallen Nikumi. Nikumi seems to be spurting a lot of blood, 
most likely due to his abuse of stimulants.

Kichigai: Mwahahahahahaha! I have freed you, my beloved!

He offers his hand to Nayami, who is in a state of shock and can only 
hyperventilate and stare. 

Kowai: What is this?

Kichigai whips his head around to see his sister, who seems to have 
appeared out of nowhere.

Kichigai: What's up, sis?

Kowai removes the gun from her beloved's person and loads the bullet he 
found into its chamber. Then she quickly shoots her brother right in the 
heart and he falls dead.

Kowai: Yes. I have killed my brother. Ha. Ha. Ha.

Hikaru arrives on the field running, with the sacrificial knife in his 
hand. Seeing the scene before him, he stops short and begins panting and 
wheezing. After a few minutes, he is able to speak.

Hikaru: What have you (gasp pant wheeze) done?! Kalgara's gonna be 
sooooooo pissed!!!!!

Kowai: Sorry.

Hikaru: Good thing I have a back-up plan! Come on! I need your help!

Kowai: Okay.

Kowai looks sorrowfully at Nikumi's dead body, then throws away his gun 
and follows her father out of the field. Nayami continues to stare and 
hyperventilate. An hour later, she arises.

Nayami: I... can't... take it!

Nayami runs to the Tendo Dojo. She steps over the messy corpses of Ranma 
and Ukyou, and eventually finds the bath. She fills it with water, finds 
a razor (unused by Ranma), slits her wrist and jumps in. She closes her 
eyes and waits for death to take her. 

Some time later, she opens her eyes again, and realizes she's not dead.

Nayami (thinking): Huh?! The wounds healed?! But... Aaaaaah!!! This' 
cold water!!!

Embarrassed at her stupidity, Nayami climbs out. Suddenly, a revelation 
hits her.

Nayami (thinking): Wait! I... I don't wanna die! Not really! It's 
just... There's so much pain! But maybe... maybe I can do something to 
help with that pain! Yes! If this lousy world won't fix itself, I will! 

She burst out the door, feeling reborn in the cool night air.

Epilogue

Nayami contracts pneumonia and dies. With his daughter's help, Hikaru 
implants his brain into a cyborg, in order to escape Kalgara's wrath. 
Unfortunately, he never came up with a way to attach his brain to 
anything in the robot, so it just sits there and rots. Eventually, 
Gosunkugi Kowai is able to use the mass confusion of the third World War 
to her advantage, and goes on to take over the entire world, which she 
now holds under her iron fist. All hail the great Gosunkugi Kowai!!!


Prologue (which, by definition, is supposed to come _before_ anything 
else, but I decided to put it at the end, just to be really avante 
garde!)

Genma turned into his panda form to frolic in the woods. There, he was 
shot and killed by poachers, who made him into a coat. Soun, distressed 
by the news of his friend's death, ended up drowning in his own tears. 
Konatsu tried to get a sex-change operation, but lack of sufficient 
funds caused him to seek the services of a mad scientist, who turned him 
into a giant, fire breathing silver-fish instead. He was able to destroy 
Tokyo Tower before combined armed forces brought him down. Meanwhile, 
Mikado became a serial rapist. He destroyed the lives of many women 
before finally contracting the AIDS virus and dying. His partner, Azusa, 
was on the seen of Konatsu's fall, and decided a certain hand grenade 
was "Soooooo cute!" Another person party to this event, was Tsubasa. Who 
made the mistake of disguising himself as a nuclear warhead. The Dojo 
Destroyer molested those two kids who thought Happosai was Santa Clause 
(they didn't survive the incident), before his own great weight crushed 
his legs and he bled to death. His passing was celebrated by the few 
unfortunate enough to know him. Herb, Lime and Mint learned to late that 
wolverines _don't_ make good wives. Hinako-sensei took to wearing a 
rather tight necklace and when she absorbed some "delinquents" ki, she 
was asphyxiated. What happened to the Furinkan High Principal is too 
horrible to mention. I get sick just thinking about it.


Credits to be overlaid with scenes of Chippy the Transvestite Gnome 
doing a merry little jig over the corpses of all the characters that 
died, which is almost all of them, to the sounds of Nick Cave's "The 
Curse of Milhaven."


Written by Aaron Shattuck

Edited by Chippy the Transvestite Gnome

Cast:

Tendo Akane
Tendo Nabiki 
Tendo Kasumi
Tendo Soun
Saotome Ranma
Saotome Genma
Kounji Ukyou
Konatsu
Gosunkugi Hikaru
Kuno Tatewaki
Kuno Kodachi
Kuno... Principal
Happosai
Cologne
Shampoo
Mousse
Mikado
Azusa
The Dojo Destroyer
Those Two Kids Who Thought Happosai Was Santa Clause
Kurenai Tsubasa
Unryuu Akari
Hibiki Ryouga
and Katsunishiki
are all property of Takahashi Rumiko and are used without any permission 
whatsoever

Gosunkugi Kowai
Gosunkugi Kichigai
Hibiki Nikumi
Nayami
Unryuu Hakuchi
Rektok
Azgaroth
and The Evil Altar Boys
are mine, not that anyone else wants them

Kalgara and all that stuff about Gosunkugi having to sacrifice his first 
born comes from a movie called "Sorceress." This is perhaps one of the 
worst movies of all time. I got it in a "Three For A Dollar" sale at 
this used bookstore, when the owner died. For all I know, I own the sole 
copy. At the moment, I'm still working on a MST3King of this.

Special Thanks to Chippy the Transvestite Gnome, for his commentary and 
years of loving support. He was just joking about that "enslavement" 
thing. Honest.

I'm sorry if anyone was traumatized by this. For those who haven't been 
completely turned off by the mere mention of my name, I'm planning on 
making my next fic in prose format. For some reason I got obsessed with 
the phrases "Scene Changes" and "Scene Shifts" in this format, so I'm 
making sure I _can't_ use them at all for next time. It won't be 
outrageously camp, like this thing, but will probably have some elements 
of dark humor in it, anyway. I know this is too short for chapters, but 
I just felt like making constant references to show how well read I am. 
Of course, I completely contradict myself in this, by writing something 
with no literary value whatsoever. And, come to think of it, I did them 
all off of memory, so I probably screwed 'em all up, anyway.

C&C, flames, and threats of impending doom are welcome at 
dilandau2@hotmail.com.

I saw a pig today. 


Weeeeeeeeeeee! I'm done! No more reposting! My head hurts. I think I'll 
go lie down.

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