Chapter Four: Cat on a Hot Tin Okonomiyaki Grill

Ranma is aimlessly plodding through the streets.

Ranma (thinking): She can go to hell if she thinks _I'm_ gonna clean all 
that blood! Hey, where am I?

He looks around and notices a crumbling building with a sign marked 
"Ucchan's."

Ranma (thinking): Why the hell not? She'll find an excuse to beat on me, 
no matter what anyway!

Ranma enters "Ucchan's," the interior is only a slight improvement on 
the exterior. What tables remain, are covered in a thick layer of dust.

Ranma: Hey! Is anybody home?!

Voice From Afar: I told yooo, I don' have th' money yet! 

A bleary eyed Ukyou enters from some back room, she is carrying a big 
bottle of sake.

Ukyou: If you wanna break m' legs, go ri' ahead!

Ranma: Uh... It's me, Ucchan.

Ukyou (squinting confusedly at Ranma): Huh?

Ranma (pointing to himself): Ran-chan?

Ukyou: Oh. Go t' hell.

Ukyou begins to retreat back where she came from, but is halted by 
Ranma's voice.

Ranma: Hey! What's with you, huh?! I haven't seen you for years!

Ukyou: Not looong 'nough! Why don't chu go screw your abusiff wife, 
stoopid?! I'ff gotta failing business t' (hic) run!

Ranma: Oh, are we still on that?! How can you be jealous of that stupid 
bitch? We're both miserable!

Ukyou: Who do ya think yer talking too, eh?! Now ge' outta here 'fore I 
slug ya! (Takes a huge swig of sake.)

Ranma: Aw, nuts. Listen, I'm a customer, okay? Get me a chicken 
okonomiyaki.

Ukyou: We don' got okonomi-(hic)-yaki.

Ranma: What?! What do you have, then?!

Ukyou (contemplates a moment): ... Debts, sake... YOU CAN'T HAVE ANY! 
(Grabs sake bottle protectively.)

Ranma (thinking): This is actually making me feel a little better!

Scene shifts to outside "Ucchan's". A slightly bandaged and wobbly 
Nikumi stares at the door.

Nikumi (thinking): At last I've found you! Now you die, Saotome Ranma! 
(Falters) Ugh! I'm weak. I feel the need... the need... for speed!

Nikumi takes out a large needle, and injects his arm. He immediately 
bolts upright.

Nikumi: Yeah! I'm all charged up now!! Let's go!!

Scene changes back to the interior of "Ucchan's," where Ranma and Ukyou 
just glare at each other. Suddenly, Nikumi bursts in, his gun at ready.

Nikumi (pointing gun at Ranma): Now DIE!!! 

Scene changes to the deep interior of TENDO CO. A well dressed Tendo 
Nabiki maneuvers her way around the darkened, labyrinthine halls, until 
finally arriving in a huge lab room. In the room, various technicians 
race to and fro around a giant, evil looking robot. Gosunkugi Hikaru, 
his collar pulled up to cover some whip marks, is pouring over a clip 
board.

Nabiki: How're we progressing, Gosunkugi-kun?

Hikaru (snapping to attention): Oh! Tendo-san! (Looking nervously 
around) Fine! Fine! The automated plasmonite is just being installed 
now! And... (looks slyly at Nabiki and whispers) I've added an extra 
feature.

Nabiki (skeptically): Extra?

Hikaru (excitedly nodding his head in affirmation): Yes! Yes! I have 
invoked the patronage of the demon Azgaroth over our project! With his 
fiery might, it should be unstoppable!

Nabiki (thinking): He's completely insane, but a good employee anyway... 
(Now speaking) That's just... great, Gosunkugi-kun. But have the missile 
composites been installed yet?

Hikaru: Oh, yes! Yesterday! We worked overtime... The project should be 
finished ahead of schedule, at this rate!

Nabiki: Excellent! We'll sell it to the highest bidder, and make a 
fortune! Mwahahahahahaahaha...!!

Nabiki pauses and looks at Hikaru, who's attention is completely devoted 
to the construction of a small voodoo doll.

Nabiki: Ahem!

Hikaru (looking up in realization): Oh! Sorry!

Nabiki and Hikaru: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA....

Hikaru: Cough! Cough! Er... yeah.

Scene shifts back to the interior of "Ucchan's". Nikumi fires repeatedly 
at Ranma, but gets only a series of clicking sounds in response.

Nikumi: Damn, outta bullets.

Ukyou bashes her sake bottle over Nikumi's head and the boy crumples to 
the ground.

Ukyou: Hey! Nobody shou' be 'lowed toooo kill this guy, 'cept me! Got 
tha'?!

Ranma: Dammit! I guess now _I_ gotta "dispose" of  'im!

Ukyou: I suuuure 's hell ain't pickin' 'im up!

Kowai: Please allow me to take care of this.

Ranma and Ukyou stare at Kowai, who seems to have materialized out of 
nowhere. She grabs Nikumi by the shoulders and drags him out of the 
restaurant.

Ranma and Ukyou: ...

Nayami burst into "Ucchan's." She gasps for breath and quickly looks 
behind her shoulder.

Nayami: Good! I think I lost him! (to Ukyou) P-please! Could I use your 
phone?! I... I have money! (Shakily reveals two yen.)

Ukyou: Phone's broken.

Nayami (beginning to cry): Why?! (Sob!) Why?!

Ranma: Hey, that's my niece. Hey, Ucchan, why don'tcha let'r stay here, 
huh? I don't think she's gotta place t'go.

Ukyou: If she's yer niece... (Produces another sake bottle out of thin 
air and takes a huge swig) Why don'tchou take care'f 'er?! Uh?!

Ranma: I got psycho bitch at home, remember?!

Ukyou (contemplating): ... Will yooo fuck me if I do?

Ranma (skeptically): Maybe.

Ukyou: Hey, kid!

Nayami stops sobbing for a moment and turns to look at Ukyou.

Ukyou: Y' can stay here for 'while... Butchoo gotta let me beat on yooo 
a li'l!

Nayami: But... Why?!

Ukyou: Usss alchol- (hic)-ics like t'beat on people!

Ranma (getting up and leaving): Sounds fair to me!

Ranma exits "Ucchan's". Nayami looks up at Ukyou, who is grinning and 
cracking her knuckles.


Chapter Five: Pain With the Thousand Teeth

Nikumi blearily opens his eyes and discovers that he is in Kowai's room. 
He struggles to sit up.

Nikumi (nursing the bruise on his head): Where am I?

Kowai: You are in my home.

Nikumi whips his head around to see Kowai staring at him from the edge 
of her bed.

Nikumi: Errr...

Kowai: Are you feeling better?

Nikumi: Uh, yeah, sure. Shit! That fucking Saotome's gonna pay!

Kowai stares at him some more.

Nikumi: Uh... why am I here, anyway?

Kowai blushes.

Nikumi: ...?

Kodachi opens the door a crack and sticks her head in.

Kodachi: I thought I'd bring you a little snack, dear! (Notices Nikumi) 
Oh! You have a boyfriend already?!

Kowai blushes.

Kodachi: My little charmer! (Hands Kowai a plate of cookies) Here's some 
cookies, dear! I'll leave you two "lovebirds" alone!

Kodachi leaves. Kowai begins dumping the cookies in a waste basket, but 
Nikumi snatches one.

Nikumi: What're you wastin' perfectly good food for?!

Kowai: I would not...

Nikumi crams the cookie into his mouth. He immediately begins to gag and 
choke.

Kowai: Mother enjoys testing her concoctions before revealing them to 
the public. (Hands Nikumi a small brown bottle) Here is the antidote.

Nikumi downs the antidote and begins to breathe normally.

Nikumi (getting up and marching towards the door): You're all crazy! I'm 
outta here!

Suddenly, he collapses to the ground. Kowai throws away the sledgehammer 
she has bashed his legs with.

Kowai: No... You cannot leave.

Scene changes to the interior of the Tendo Dojo. The blood has not been 
cleaned. Ranma walks in, slamming the door behind him.

Akane: Where the hell have you been?!

Ranma: At "Ucchan's," actually. You gotta problem?!

Akane: What?! That slut?! What'd you do, fuck her?!

Ranma: Maybe. Better than fucking a pig, eh? But at least that's 
better'n fucking you!

Akane (smacking him upside the head): You bastard! Don't you ever know 
when to shut up?!

Ranma (wiping the blood off his lips): I'm only telling the truth...

Akane: You want the truth?! How about your mom, huh? Remember your mom?!

Ranma (freezing): I thought I told you never to mention my mother.

Akane: Why?! 'Cause you were too busy beating the shit out've some funny 
looking kung fu villain of the week, to notice that she had cancer, 
huh?!

Ranma: Shut up, Akane.

Akane (punches him in the gut): Yeah, you fucking hypocrite! Go fuck 
your slut Ukyou! See if I care!

Ranma drops to the ground, clutching his stomach.

Ranma (thinking): Damn, she really got me this time! Gotta think of 
somethin' else... Ucchan, Kasumi's kid, Ryouga's kid... guess everyone's 
showin' up again. (Laughs humorlessly) Hate to say it, but I wonder what 
old Happosai's up to...

Scene changes to a large theater. Happosai is strapped to an upright 
table, his eyes pried open. A porno movie flickers before him, with the 
tune of Beethoven's 5th symphony echoing from all sides. A group of 
doctors stand around him, occasionally inserting drops into his eyes. 

Scene changes to the interior of a sleazy motel room. Mousse enters, 
carrying Shampoo in tow.

Mousse: Ah, it's just you and me now, Shampoo! 

Mousse throws Shampoo on the bed and begins to breathe heavily.

Mousse: (Haaah haaah) Yessss... Just you... and me... (Haaaah haaaah.)

Mousse begins to walk slowly towards Shampoo, removing his robe.

A little man with a pointy hat and full beard, wearing a frilly dress 
suddenly appears.

Chippy the Transvestite Gnome: Hey, folks! This is Chippy the 
Transvestite Gnome! Now, some of you might be wondering, just why 
Shampoo here's dead and all! So let's turn the clock waaaaay baaaaack...

Cue cheesy flashback effects. The scene shifts to a sterile hospital 
room. Cologne lies in the bed, hooked to a life support system, with an 
IV in her arm.

Chippy: Y'see, eventually Cologne, who was freakishly old, had to be 
hooked up to life support just to survive! She's still conscious, 
though...

There's a sound of rapid beeping from afar, followed by a continuous 
"beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep."

Chippy: That's Ranma's mom dying aaallll alone in the next room. (Waves) 
Bye-bye, Saotome-san! Anyhow, Shampoo comes to visit Cologne, see?

Shampoo bursts in the door, tears in her eyes.

Shampoo: Great-grandmother!

Cologne (forcing a smile): How I hoped you wouldn't have to see me like 
this, Shampoo...

Shampoo (hugging Cologne): Oh, great-grandmother! What does Shampoo have 
to do to make you well again?!

Cologne (reluctantly): Well, there is a technique... But it requires... 
(Whispers into Shampoo's ear.)

Shampoo looks shocked at first, but then her face is steeled in 
resignation. She begins taking off her clothes.

Chippy (eyes bugging out): Wooah! This is unexpected!

Various articles of clothing fly by and Chippy has to scramble to dodge 
them. Cologne and Shampoo begin to make moaning sounds as they do... 
whatever it is they're doing.

Chippy: Damn, this is awkward. I don't no if a should feel turned on or 
just throw up.

In the midst of their... activities, Shampoos neck gets caught around 
Cologne's IV. She slips and falls to the ground, the IV asphyxiating her 
and killing her instantly. The IV is pulled from Cologne's arm, removing 
her only source of nourishment. She dies within hours, the steady 
"beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep" of her heart rate unnoticed by 
self-absorbed medical staff.

Chippy (mopping brow with a washcloth): Whew! Boy am I glad that's over 
with!

Mousse bursts into the room.

Mousse: Shampoo! Aren't you done visiting yet?!

Mousse trips and lands on the dead and naked Shampoo.

Mousse: Shampoo? At last you have accepted me! (Embraces the corpse.)

Chippy: Okay, that's enough of that!

End flashback. Scene shifts back to the sleazy hotel room. Mousse lies 
in bed with Shampoo, a cigarette in his mouth.

Chippy: And that's the story folks! Oh, by the way... Help me!!! I've 
been enslaved by this crazy author!!! He makes me...!!!!

Suddenly, a huge hand grabs Chippy and pulls him away. Bad Chippy.

Scene changes to Kowai's room. Nikumi is strapped to the bed with bungee 
cord, and Kowai begins to advance on him menacingly with a soldering 
iron.

Kowai: I will show you the extent of my true love.

Nikumi: Noooo! What the hell are you doing?!!

Kowai: Hey, I'm skipping school for this. 

Kowai pokes an exposed portion of his leg with the iron. He begins to 
scream as smoke arises from it. Kowai takes the iron off and bits of 
melted skin come off with it, leaving a deep red mark.

Nikumi: You fucking little bitch! I'll kill you!!!

Kowai: Feel the hot touch of my love. 

Kowai rams the soldering iron on his chest. More screaming ensues.

Scene shifts to the Gosunkugi household's kitchen. Kodachi is whistling 
a merry little tune while pouring various canisters labeled with skulls 
and crossbones into a big steaming pot. Nikumi's screaming from upstairs 
can be heard.

Kodachi (thinking): Hah! This'll _taste_ like strychnine, but the 
antidote for it won't work! At last I can kill that husband of mine, 
collect the insurance, kill Akane, and remarry to Ranma-sama! (Looks 
slightly repentant) I'll miss subjugating him to my tortures, but he'll 
be better off dead anyway! He'll get to spend _all_ his time with his 
demons!

Scene changes back to Kowai's room. Nikumi is breathing heavily and 
covered with red welts. Kowai takes out a pair of pliers.

Kowai (blushing and thinking): He's so cute when he writhes in pain!

Nikumi (thinking): This is all Saotome's fault, right?

Scene shifts back to Kodachi adding more poisons to the mix and humming, 
as horrible cries erupt from upstairs. She turns on the TV to drown them 
out, and a news reporter appears on it. Behind him are scenes of various 
police and hospital vehicles arriving at an army headquarters.

Reporter: Here is the scene, where famed author Tatewaki Kuno and his 
group of fanatical followers, had reportedly taken the Leuitenant 
General of the Ichigaya Headquarters of the Japanes Self Defense Force 
hostage at sword point. The critically acclaimed author then attempted 
to gain the approval of the forces stationed there, with a rousing 
speech on traditionalism and the evil of western corruption of culture. 
Disappointed by the negative reaction, Kuno-san has recently committed 
sepuku...

Kodachi: Silly brother!

Scene changes to Kasumi's house. Kasumi sits nervously, and then springs 
up when the phone rings. She quickly picks it up.

Kasumi: Yes?! Have you found her?!

Kasumi's Husband: No, this is your husband. Kasumi,... um... I don't 
know how to put this, but... I'm leaving you for my secretary! Bye!

Kasumi hangs up the phone, with a vacant look on her face.

Kasumi: Oh... Oh my...

Kasumi takes out the jar of pills and gulps down the whole thing.

Scene changes to the spare room at "Ucchan's". Nayami lies wide awake, 
covered in bruises.

Nayami (thinking): It's no use... I can't sleep. I'm in too much pain.

She gets up and begins to creep towards the door.

Nayami (thinking): Might as well take a walk.

Scene changes to Kowai's room. Exhausted from her torturing, Kowai is 
taking a nap. Nikumi struggles to loosen the bungee cord. Eventually, he 
is able to slip free.

Nikumi (thinking): I'm booking this freak show!

He runs at a dizzying pace out of Kowai's room, down the stairs, and out 
the door. 

Nikumi (continuing to run down the street and thinking): Free! Free! 
Ouch! Free!

Scene changes to Nayami plodding depressively through the streets. 
Suddenly, Nikumi rams right into her and the two fall back onto the 
pavement.

Nayami: Owwwwww... Hey! You're the guy that stole my box!

Nikumi: Dammit! Huh?... Oh, you... You were better off without it. These 
two bastards set me on fire!

Nayami (feeling remorseful and somewhat woozy from pain) Errr... 
Sorry... Say, what's your name?

Nikumi (surprised at the change of social atmosphere): Huh? Oh, 
Nikumi... Hibiki Nikumi. (Confused, he goes completely against his 
nature and helps her up) What's yours?

Nayami: Nayami... and...

Suddenly, Kichigai bursts into view. Running towards Nayami.

Kichigai: I've found you, darling! (Notices Nikumi and stops short) How 
dare you force yourself onto her, you womanizing Lothario?!!

Kichigai takes out his ribbon-spike and begins running toward Nayami and 
Nikumi. Taking the hint, they scream and run.

Kichigai: Come back here!

Nayami and Nikumi: Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!!

Scene changes to a long line outside a movie theater. Nayami and Nikumi 
rush past. A few seconds later, they are followed by an enraged 
Kichigai, who pauses to look at the line.

Kichigai: What's everybody waiting for?

Random Theater Goer #1: We're here to see "Titanic!"

RTG #2: I've seen it fifty times!

RTG #3: I've seen it seventy!

RTG #4: Leonardo DiCaprio is such a hunk!

Kichigai: Aaaaaaaaaaaah!!!! (Begins swinging his ribbon-spike around, 
impaling the movie patrons left and right as they futilely attempt to 
escape) Die! Die! Diediediediediediediediediediediedie!!!!

Eventually, the entire line of people has been transformed into a bloody 
mesh. Kichigai pants in exhaustion a bit, but then regains his 
composure.

Kichigai: I might be a psychotic homicidal maniac, but at least _I_ have 
taste!

Kichigai runs off in pursuit of Nayami and Nikumi.

Scene changes to the TENDO CO secret lab.  Technicians scramble to 
complete the gargantuan mechanical monstrosity, while Nabiki sits in a 
lawn chair, fanning herself. Hikaru brings her coffee.

Nabiki: Aren't you done, _yet_? I have an appointment with my hair 
stylist tomorrow.

Hikaru: We're working as fast as we can, Tendo-san! It's just... two of 
our crew have already died!

Nabiki: Excuses, excuses. (Grabs coffee and takes a sip) I'm not paying 
you people to slack off!

Scene changes to a park. Nayami and Nikumi run a bit more through it, 
before finally pausing for breath.

Nayami: I think we (gasp pant) lost him! (Gasp!)

Nikumi: (Gasp!) Maybe... I (wheeze) need a "booster shot." (Produces 
long needle and injects it into his arm) Ohhhhh, yeah!

Nayami (staring at him): Ummmmm...

Nikumi (smiling): Just my little "helper!" (Sitting on a park bench) 
Shit, I wish I never came here. It's not worth it. Now my whole life's 
fucked over!

Nayami (sitting next to him): Yeah, I know what you mean. I... I just 
wish I was back home.

Nikumi: Guess we're kinda the same, huh?

Nayami: Yeah.

Scene changes to Kichigai stalking through the underbrush. He spies two 
shadowy figures on a park bench. They are locked in embrace and kissing.

Kichigai (thinking): That bastard! (Swings the ribbon-spike forward, 
impaling the two heads) DIE!!!

Kichigai moves into the light, and the two dead figures are revealed to 
be Hiroshi and Daisuke.

Kichigai: Oh, dammit! I'm really sorry! 

His eyes dart back and forth, and finding no one else about, he checks 
the two corpses for their wallets.



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