Author's note: I am the midst of moving, so I will not be at the address of
akunz@cctr.umkc.edu. If you have any of my MST, works, etc. on a web-page
(all three of ya), please update my address to c621358@showme.missouri.edu
after August 17th. Thank you!
Redhead MST...
At 09:34 PM 7/9/98 -0700, Twoflower wrote:
(The scene opens as we see the faces of our fearless crew fly through the
Tardis as it hurls through time, space, and sanity. Unfortunately, inside,
Nausicaa and Shampoo have finally cornered our fearless crew...We see
Shampoo in a Westernized wedding dress.)
Shampoo (as she's sighing): Ah, Ranma and Shampoo shall be married soon!
(We see Shampoo in a wedding dress, chained to Ranma, who's wearing a
tuxedo. He's bawling. We see Nausicaa looking through a phone directory.)
Ranma (to the camera): Sorry, folks, I cry at weddings. (He starts bawling
again.)
Shampoo: Princess Nausicaa, where's the minister?
Nausicaa: The only person's available is that nun from "One-Pound Gospel."
Shampoo: What about Reggie White?
Nausicaa: His back hurts.
(We pan over to see Washu, A-ko, and Lina dressed in the nice pink dresses.
We also see Tenjou Utena and Kiryuu Touga---from Shoujo Kakumei Utena aka
"The Young Girl Revolutionary"---in with Andrew in tuxedos.)
Andrew: Nice tuxedo, boy.
Touga: It is expected, I am impecable!
Andrew: I see you're wearing Eau de Kuno today.
Lina: So, Utena, why are you here and wearing a boy's dress?
Utena: Shampoo hired us to be ushers. And about the tuxedo, I just wanted
to be a bit different. I mean there only so many ways a girl can carry a
spatula. (Ranma face-faults.) Just joking! Can we get this over with?
Nausicaa: Not until I find a priest. Until then, we'll show this feature
presentation.
(The fanfic starts to roll. Everyone sits down and watches while Nausicaa
and Shampoo look through about 10 million different telephone directorys,
except in China where everytime you try to get a Wing, you get the Wong
number. Thank you, thank you, I'll be in town all week!)
SPOOF CHASE PRODUCTIONS
(http://spoof.maison-otaku.net/)
PRESENTS...
Slayers Chaos :
Episode 1
Lina: Yiya! It's MY series!
Andrew: Be afraid. Be very, very afraid.
...in which great omens and portents fail to scare us,
our heroine reads a good book, we meet an old friend
and much confusion is had by all.
Ranma: Not to mention the author.
A Slayers Fanfic Series by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne
(Almost all characters copyright H. Kanzaka / R. Araizumi,
obviously. If I ever even considered claiming that these
were my own characters I'd probably be thrown into a small
cell where I'd be forced to eat my own gas pedal to live.)
Lina: Spoken by a man who probably owns a bicycle and that's about it...
--> Read the enhanced hypertext version at <--
--> http://pixelscapes.com/slayers <--
-=-
Ye Olde Disclaimere :
Thise beinge aye Sequelle to 'Slayers Reflect', It woulde
helppe to have readde said worke of fiction before proceedinge.
The Management apologizes fore any inconvenience.
Utena: Including the use of archaic language.
-=-
Once upon a time in fair Sailoon, there was a sorceress.
Let's call her Lina.
Lina: Let's not and say we did!
Washu: I see you're big-sweating, already.
Lina was known across the land for a variety of reasons. She was a
famous bandit hunter, magic slinger, world saver, and consumer of large
dinners. With no fixed address,
Lina: But I have a yahoo account! Does that count?
she wandered the world doing random quests
and getting into surprising amounts of trouble. In recent times, her and
her usual gang of cohorts managed to find a lost power, unearth a deadly
danger from beyond space and time, and save the world from it; all in the
span of a few weeks.
Ranma: But enough about '94 Major League Baseball strike...
That's just the sort of person Lina was, always active, always leading
an exciting life. Randomly moving from situation to situation. She was
like a monster reincarnation of some hero long gone; a girl on the move,
just lucky enough to be totally confident.
Then she stopped moving.
Touga: Translation: She won the 200 million dollar powerball jackpot...
Utena: And the Irish Sweepstakes...
Andrew: ...on the same day.
[*]
One of the main things an open air market needs -- besides customers,
at any rate -- is nice weather. Keeping track of this is the job of the
royal astrologer in most countries, but the one Sailoon had employed tended
to stay indoors a lot, and thus his forecasts tended to consist of humidity
and air quality rather than, for example, rain.
Andrew: But he was AMS certified and Sailoon had the only Doplar/Nexrad
radar throughout the land that can pinpoint rainshowers to exactly which
streets it was raining and which ones were just false echoes. (Andrew falls
over. He finally breathes.)
A-ko: Need a break, Andrew?
Fortunately, the office had changed hands in recent days to someone
more competent and technically inclined. With him came a miraculous new
machine that could predicted the weather with 90% accuracy. In the daily
press, newspapers would now include a little box where you could read the
weather for the next three days. Much to the relief of the managers of the
Annual Sailoon Magician's Market, the weather was scheduled to be Partly
Cloudy with No Chance of Rain today, and the event was on.
Washu: Then it rained and Noah had to be called collect.
In previous years, the Magician's Market was held indoors; proving to
be a horrible mistake and a financial disaster, as having an enclosed space
with that many sorcerers around trying out new purchases usually results in
a fire that takes two days for the Royal Firefighters to get under
control. Nowadays strict rules are posted not to use any products
purchased until you're at least twenty miles away from the city.
Which, in a very long way of explaining it, is why Lina Inverse was
suspicious of the new sword she was buying.
Lina: And you're the lady of the lake, huh?
Utena (imitating the lady of the lake): Lo, King Arthur threw Excalibur
back to me, rudely asking for a refund or repair it based on the 5 year or
5000 hours warranty.
Andrew (sounding like King Arthur, from Monty Python): Up front pricing?
Forsoothe is this, pray tell, Sir Goodwrench?
Ranma: If he talks about European Swallows or Coconuts, I'm leaving.
"Throws fireballs, huh," she said, not believing a word of it, as she
tested the blade for balance and grip.
Touga (imitating the proprietor): Yes, I bought this sword from a plumber
named Mario.
"Very large ones," the proprietor said, waving his arms wide to
demonstrate that hey -- those were some BIG fireballs, I kid you not.
"Why, just last week, my cousin Nigel managed to vaporize a whole horde of
bandits using this sword alone, and no formal training in magical arts!
It's user friendly and has a convenient interface. And you did say you
liked the design..."
The young sorceress twisted her wrist, examining the hilt of the
blade; a very elegant brass design, in the shape of a butterfly.
Butterflies had been on her mind a lot lately, now that she thought of it,
since she did think of it often.
Lina: Must of been those damn wine and Allegra commericals...
"Weeeelll..." Lina said, holstering the weapon. "The design's nice.
It's a good weight for my class, and I can tell it's got a good deflection
ability. Plenty sharp, too."
Lina: I could use it to shave my legs. Beats Nair.
"Exactly!" the merchant smiled. "A rare product, worth twenty gold
pieces, yes?"
"I'll give you five gold for it."
"Five?! Why, such a fine blade of distinct quality is worth eighteen,
at least!"
"I think five sounds a bit right."
"Ahh... fifteen, then?"
"Five."
"Um, miss, you're supposed to be haggling towards a midpoint," the
merchant reminded her, not sure if this customer really understood proper
business.
"Why bother when you're trying to trick me?" Lina asked, already
Shampoo (while looking at Ryo-ok-hi): Silly cabbit, trixs are for kids!
removing her old, battered sword and attaching the new one to her belt.
The deal was done, in her opinion.
Washu: Then again, Lina never did took economics in high school.
Lina: HEY!
But the merchant was aghast. Aghastedly, he protested, "Trick?!"
"Yes, trick. You know, it takes a lot of experience to detect weapon
enchantments, much less what TYPE of enchantment," Lina explained. "And I
may be young, but I can tell the difference between a cheap light spell and
a gigantic, bandit-melting fireball lobber. I'd say five is a bargain for
a basically ordinary sword plus the promise to give you an hour's head
start before I casually inform anybody else you've sold these things to
what they REALLY bought, making them want to test your wonderful product
out on your person first hand to make sure.... yes?"
"Five," the merchant agreed, taking the coins from Lina's hand,
pulling a shade down over the front of his stall and packing everything up
and hitting the road, setting a land ground speed record in the process.
Nausicaa: Then Bill Gates decided to build computers software and operating
systems.
Nasty, perhaps, but Lina smiled smugly nonetheless. It was a
feel-good moment in an otherwise dull month.
Her old sword wasn't a bad sword. She had been using it for a couple
years now, from when she first set out to make a name for herself as a
bandit hunter. Technically, she was more of a magic-weilding bandit killer
than a sword-weilding bandit killer, and lately had actually been relying
on magic a bit much... maybe a bit TOO much. Not that she couldn't hold
her own with magic. She did just fine by it, really, but.. having a good
sword was a confidence booster, she figured. There was something relieving
about having a nice sharp bit of metal around.
A-ko: And we're not just talking about that vibrator Lina bought yest---
Everyone else: A-ko!
Her usual nice sharp bit of metal wandered up, carrying a huge bale of
cotton candy in one hand and an bagful of souvenirs and useless crap in the
other.
"Ne, Lina, I got you some candy!" he said, handing the giant pink wad
of dental doom to Lina, who staggered under the weight. "And look, I got a
magical stand with a bunch of wooden frogs on it with little musical
instruments that plays when it hears noise!"
Gourry was not an expert shopper. If it attracted the eye and
fascinated him for more than thirty seconds, chances were he'd buy it,
regardless of what it was. This being their second day of visiting the
Market, merchants seeking to offload whatever they couldn't ship were
actively seeking Gourry out. Lina briefly wondered how much money they had
left.
Lina: Gourry...what did I ever see in him being a side-kick anyway?!
Andrew: Comic relief?
"That's nice, Gourry..." she said, taking a nip off the candy, her
brain locking momentarily in a sugar overdose. "I think I've bought about
everything I want to for the day. Ready to go back?"
Gourry's face fell. "What, already?"
"C'mon, Gourry, it's been, what, three hours?"
"But the food court! We should at least visit the food court. I hear
they have dishes from around the world! I could go for a Testabournian
Imploding Onion."
Ranma: Sounds like something Akane made.
"I'm not really that hungry," Lina said, turning and starting to head
for the marked exits.
Gourry continued his protest, following along. "You know, we don't go
out very often nowadays. I mean, Amelia's castle is really interesting and
they have a pretty cool army training ground, but... ummm.."
"But?"
"Shouldn't we be, y'know... questing? Or something?" Gourry asked.
"Zelgadis already left because he wanted to keep looking for a cure for his
Chimeraness, and you know Naga's been thinking about going off again..."
Andrew: Then again, she's always going off...
"Why do we always have to be out and about looking for magic and
artifacts and danger?" Lina asked, turning to face Gourry. "What's so bad
about sitting down for awhile? After our last disaster you'd think you'd
be more interested in relaxing."
"Disaster? But we saved the world. We did save the world, right?"
Lina: Yeah, but now Bud Selig's their Grand Poobah!
"That's not what I meant.." Lina said... and gave up. "We'll talk
about this later, Gourry. All I have in mind right now is heading back to
our palace quarters, relaxing, and reading. Okay?"
Andrew (imitating Gourry): Well, okay, Lina. But this time, I'll wear the
dress! (Lina hits Andrew.)
Not wanting to make Lina upset, Gourry nodded sullenly.
Satisfied, Lina nodded as well and resumed walking past rows of
stalls. "Right now, Gourry, the last thing I want is to get involved in
another--"
"Beware the Forenight of Chaos!"
Andrew: Especially beware of some guy named Maxwell Smart!
Touga (imitating Maxwell Smart): Miss him by THAT much! (Utena buries her
hands into her face, crying.)
Utena (to A-ko): I don't know why I tagged along with him here...
Lina stopped dead in her tracks.
The withered crone, face hidden inside a dark hooded cloak, beckoned
to Lina from between two stalls, one of which was selling realistic
simulated animal excrement and the other selling lamps which supposedly
held genies. It wasn't the most ideal place for a soothsayer, but that
didn't deter her.
"Bewaaare," the crone screeched, "The Forenight of Chaos, Lina
Inverse! For if ye does not approach gates left locked, ye shall truly be
as aimless as ye be! Hark and beware!!"
Lina: Hey, soothsayer, go after Julie Caesar or somethin' okay? Forgetaboutit!
Ordinary people would have been frightened by strange people who know
their name proclaiming ther doom. Lina was not an ordinary person.
She turned to Gourry. "See? That's the sort of thing I mean. Don't
you hate it when you're just walking along, minding your own business, and
BOOM! someone goes and proclaims your destiny and puts you on some journey
across the world to deliver a ring to the crack of doom or something?"
"Uhhh.. I dunno, I've never had it happen to me," Gourry said
honestly, because he was very honest. "But I guess I'd find it a little
annoying, unless it was something important--"
"A-HEM!" the crone said. "Over here! Didn't you hear what I said?
BEWAAAARE the--"
Ranma: Obviously this crone is not the kind of soothsayer you want telling
Julius that he's gonna die. (Ryo-ok-hi looks at Washu.)
Ryo-ok-hi: Miyaa?
Washu: No, Ryo-ok-hi, Caesar DIDN'T have a pager...
"I heard you the first time," Lina said, walking over to the
soothsayer. "I guess if I ask where you heard my name, you'd say mystic
powers or the moon or the Lord of Nightmares told you, right?"
"How'd you guess?" the crone asked in a surprisingly young voice,
before catching herself. "I mean.. aye, and ye best beware, Lina!"
Andrew: Tsk. First mistake of a rookie.
Lina casually yanked the crone's hood back, revealing an ugly but
quite youthful girl about her own age.
"Oh, come on," Lina said. "You call that white and wizened hair?
It's a healthy apple-red and you probably combed it with a hundred
strokes!"
Andrew: Yeah! (Andrew blinks.) Wait a minute, I don't even comb my hair!
"Aye... uh.. 'tis a wig..?"
Grabbing the crone's chin, Lina yanked. "And this is just makeup!
Look at this, it comes right off--"
"--hey!!--"
"--not even a REAL wart, just a little sticky one you got from a
costume shop, too. And why are you having trouble focusing on me like
that? Is that some faked squint?"
The now quite average looking young girl's shoulders sunk. Defeatedly
pulling out a pair of glasses and putting them on, she looked Lina square
in the eyes. "Okay, okay!.. so I'm not that good at Drama. But I AM a
soothsayer! Aye and stuff."
"Reaaaally?" Lina asked, tapping her foot.
A-ko (imitating the soothsayer): Yeah! I got my diploma right here from
Sally Struthers!
"...not by trade, but by instance," the girl said. "Anyway. Beware.
Enter the gate. You know... hark. Okay?"
Lina turned away from the soothsayer, motioning for Gourry to follow,
and marched squarely off. Not a word spoken.
"Ne, Lina.. who was that, anyway?" Gourry asked her.
"Nobody," Lina said. "Just some random loon. C'mon, let's go home.
I'm very serious about finishing that book before the day's done."
Lina: Yeah, I want to see how it turns out in Revelations! (Everyone
face-faults.)
High above the market, contrary to the miraculous weather prediction
system, storm clouds started to form.
Andrew: Yep, see what I tell you! You can't be a certified meteorologist
unless you predict wrongly about 75% of the time!
Washu: This from a boy that's going into the meteorology school? (Andrew
glares at Washu.)
[*]
Home, at the moment, was a guest room in the Royal Palace of
Sailoon. And there is indeed a book back at that room which Lina is very
serious about. It's just not the one she's reading.
While 'The Adventures of Jean the Clever' is a very good book,
Utena: Better, than say, "Stella the Stupid" or "Alexanderia the Wishy-Washy."
heralded by many feminist literary critics as the first mythical tale of
heroism to feature a true and realistic heroine, and technically Lina is
only fifty pages away from the bit where Jean outwits the king of dreams
and wins the sacred talisman, it wasn't a dangerous magic book. The Giga
Lores, on the other hand, are highly magical and highly dangerous.
Ranma: But, it wasn't a manga comic, either.
A-ko: Say, who wrote "Jean the Clever" anyway...Jane Fonda?
In her last journey, Lina managed to obtain what many believe to be
the most powerful (and the most lost) book of magic ever written. She
never was sure how she got it, it just turned up in her pack one day; sort
of like discovering five tons of pure gold completely by accident.
Touga: While at Fort Knox, that is.
At the
time, she was busy looking for some book about mirrors, which was very
important at the time... but time passes, and this book was very important
at this moment.
Lina: Let's see..."Surprise Angel Food Cake" recipe by C-ko.
A-ko: Okay, I'll bite, what's the surprise.
Lina: The surprise is that the this Angel Food Cake doesn't have a hole, it
just eats a hole through your kitchen's sink.
Inside was a prophecy, simple yet vague.
Andrew: Much like Gourry's mental state.
It stated that the two main
spells Giga created, Giga Slave (an incredibly destructive variation of the
Dragon Slave, the highest black magic spell) and the Giga Restoration (an
incredibly powerful variation of the Ultra Restoration,
Touga: Which is great on restoring wood to its natural shine!
the highest white
magic spell) were meant to be cast as a pair. That is, if one human casts
both spells -- presumably in the same lifetime, rather than one right after
the other -- it would start them down an irreversible path, towards Giga's
Gate, and towards some undescribed salvation. Hark and beware.
Utena: Isn't that from the same group that created "Heaven's Gate?"
At the time, Lina was way too busy working on her mirror problem to
get involved in that sort of thing. She simply decided she'd sneak around
some messy prophecy by never casting Giga Restoration for the rest of her
life. Naturally, time came when she HAD to cast it, or doom the world to
darkness.
Andrew (grinning at Lina): Don't you hate it when destiny is thrust upon
you when you're going to the bathroom?
Lina (glaring at Andrew): You know, I am having a real hard time resisting
the urge to turn you into a newt...
Although the world technically was saved, everybody prospered and
matured and became better people and riches and fortune almost were theirs,
now the real worrying was set in. One dangling problem that didn't go away
with the ending of that quest, it sat there, taunting Lina to continue to
fulfill the prophecy and get into lord knows what trouble. So to distract
herself, Lina would sit down and enjoy a nice book like 'The Adventures of
Jean the Clever'. It was a good way to pass the time, and the palace of
Sailoon was a good place for doing just that as well.
Her guest room at the palace had a very lived in look. Clothes were
strewn about here and there, to be gathered and washed by palace servants
(a feature Lina appreciated in her new home). Lina had taken to not
wearing her armor and full getup, since there wasn't much need, kicking
around in casual clothes instead.
(Andrew looks at Lina strangely.)
Lina: What? What?!
Andrew: I'm having a hard time seeing you in a T-shirt and a pair of jeans.
Ranma: Let alone a g-string two-piece bikini suit.
Lina (screaming): Ranma!!! Andrew!!! You're not making this easy!!!
Books were scattered on the workdesk
near her bed, and the sheets had that rumply, slept-in look regardless of
how recently they were changed.
Andrew: Hmm...looks like my dorm room.
She had a nice window to the world,
overlooking the city in case she felt like going out so she could look and
see how things were and then go back to reading or studying her magic.
Weather was turning sour today, she noted, from her seat against her
headboard, turning the next page.
The blast of trumpets and bells sent her sprawling off the bed, peace
shattered. Of course, Dayvid HAD to go and invent a new kind of 'internal
doorbell' and put them on all the rooms of the castle, and of COURSE there
had to be a bug with the volume of the instruments...
Washu: He knew he shouldn't have consulted with the sound crew from the
Ozzy Osborne Concert...
"Come in," Lina called, pulling herself back up to standing with the
bedsheets. Then she noticed a slight orange movement behind her, and
quickly ducked back behind the bed--
The door opened, as a royal servant type walked in, giving
announcements. "Presenting her royal highness, Princess Amelia Wil Tesla
Sailoon, calling upon Lina Inverse with message from his royal clerk,
Dayvid Devince!"
Utena (imitating Amelia): But you may call me Amy!
"Hi, Amelia," Lina said simply, keeping hidden.
"Hello!!!" her bouncy, perky, adorably cute l'il princessly friend
said, skipping into the room after the pomp and circumstance were out of
the way.
Ranma: Feh. Azusa has nothin' on Amelia.
Andrew: Isn't this the same Amelia that got lost while trying to fly around
the known world?
Lina: No, you're thinking of Amelia Earhart.
Touga: It's a good thing she'd won the Daytona 500 finally.
Lina: No, that's Dale Earnhardt!(muttering) Men...
Lina folded down a corner of her book and set it aside. She fetched
her cloak from nearby, pretending to be a bit chilly, and slung it over her
shoulders. "So, what brings you?"
"I bear a message!" Amelia said, pointing to an official looking
scroll. She quickly unrolled it, holding it at arms length, and began to
read aloud. "From: Royal Astrologer Dayvid. Amelia, go tell Lina that if
she doesn't get out of here and stop freeloading, the kitchen staff and the
laundry staff have threatened to go on strike. But make sure you phrase it
in a nice and royal sort of way, I haven't quite gotten the hang of...
that...... yet. Um. That's all."
Washu: Wait. First, you get in trouble for blowing up everything in sight,
and now they want you out because you're just free-loading?!?!?!
Ranma: You know, I think I know why "Slayers 1/2" is such a hit...
Andrew: Just think, Ranma. Lina and you could be long-lost relatives.
(Ranma and Lina look at each other.)
Lina: Don't count on it!
"I see," Lina said, nodding.
"I guess I should have read it first," Amelia smiled weakly. "Um. I'm
not used to this 'inter-office memo' system Dayvid came up with..."
"It's okay, it's okay," Lina said. "Been a lot of changes around here,
it seems. So, I'm being kicked out?"
"Oh, no no no no no!" Amelia said, shaking her head so fast it almost
blurred. "Sailoon is not known for bad hospitality! Why, we once had a
duke stay here for two years... of course, then the king had him beheaded
for flirting with the queen, but... that doesn't have any relevancy to
this! In fact, I don't even know why I brought it up!! Ha ha ha..."
Andrew: Whose your father, Amelia, Henry VIII?
Utena: Princess Di she ain't.
"Right," Lina said. "Don't worry. We'll.. pack up and take a hike
tomorrow. Once I figure out where we'll go."
"Uh, you really don't have to..."
"It's okay. We have been a bit static here. Maybe it's time to go out
and--"
"Are you going on a quest?" Amelia asked, excited. "I hear that the
Statue of Arnsland is hidden in the Mountains of Peril outside of the
kingdom! I could arrange a royal escort and we could go get it!"
Washu (imitating Amelia): And it looks remarkable like the FIFA World Cup...
"Actually.. I was thinking of maybe getting an apartment, or
something," Lina admitted.
Andrew: Sailoon has apartments?
Lina: Yeah, I was actually thinking about looking through SAD, Sailoon
Apartment Directories...
"..oh," Amelia said, a bit disappointed. (A noted adventurer getting
an apartment was similar to a noted racehorse jockey trading in his steed
for a family oxcart.) "Okay, well... good luck! The Sailoon royal family
wishes you good fortune on all journeys and endeavors in the near or
distant future! And, um, if you'll excuse me, Dayvid said he's got some
plan for sending messages to other countries with a small catapult he's
making, sooo..."
Nausicaa: That girl needs some Princess training.
Utena: Or a brain.
"Hai, hai," Lina waved, opening her book again. "Good to see you."
After a few bows and other regal procedures, Amelia left.
Lina relaxed, taking off the cloak, letting her wings get some
breathing room, stretching them out.
Andrew: Lina, an angel? BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Urk! (Lina beats up Andrew with
one of Shampoo's bonbori.)
Lina: Sorry about the dent, Shampoo...but there's somethings that should
never be made fun of.
Washu: Actually, I think it's funny that you have angel wings. (Lina glares
at Washu.)
Lina: Shampoo, can I borrow your other bonbori? (WHAM!) Thanks. (Shampoo
looks at the two broken bonboris.)
[*]
In the practice yard of the Sailoon Royal Army, swords clashed. Sparks
were struck. Men grunted and taunted each other. Tubs of boiling tar were
poured from the battlements.
Touga: Which tasted remarkablely like McDonald's coffee.
"HEY!" the field commander yelled below, jumping out of the way just in
time to avoid becoming an oil slick. "Watch it up there, you bastards!"
Ranma (imitating a guard/Stan): Yeah! You just killed Kenny!
"Sorry!" the tower guard called down. "Just testing the new... whot'd
you call it?"
"The 'Makes-Invaders-Run-Away-Screaming'," a young boy in the tower
responded. "Sorry, we'll be more careful next time."
(Everyone face-faults.)
"Yah, well... whatever," the commander grunted, turning back to his
sparring. "I say, the boy may have brains, but he doesn't know how to
behave properly in an army camp."
Gourry adjusted the grip on his sword, conserving some energy to chat
with while he practiced. "You mean he tests stuff while you're trying to
practice, thus making the area unsafe?"
Ranma (imitating the commander): Yeah, wait until OSHA hears about this!
"What? No, a good soldier's ready for any weird thing like that. I
mean he doesn't properly stand up for himself," the commander responded.
"Keeps APOLOGIZING. He wouldn't last a day in this man's army. Let's take
a break, lad. These old arms ain't what they used to be, you know."
"Okay," Gourry agreed, and walked over to the bench, having a seat.
"You know, I really gotta thank you for letting me work out here. I need
to stay sharp for our next trip."
"Aaahhh, kids today," the commander said, shaking his head. "Yah don't
have to thank me, lad! I just got done saying that. You put up a right
challenge, and I've got no problems meeting it. But I have to wonder why a
strong lad like you isn't in an army already. You've got the skills. I
haven't seen a quicker mind in swordplay since old William Bennels from
Testabourne was down here."
Lina: Wait a minute, Gourry doesn't have a mind...
"That's my home country, actually," Gourry smiled. "I guess it's in
the water or something."
"But still, why aren't you off doing something better with yer talents,
boy?" the commander asked, appraising Gourry. "Playing bodyguard for Lina
Inverse... if ever there was a girl who didn't need her body guarded, it'd
be her. You hear the stories about that girl? Most dangerous woman alive,
they say! I'd be afraid for anybody who tried to make a move against her."
Andrew: And that's just for making fun of her chest. Unnngh! (Lina @baps
Andrew again.)
Lina (screaming): MAKE ONE MORE REMARK, FUNNY BOY, AND YOU DIE!!!
"Aww, Lina gets in trouble too," Gourry said. "She isn't always able
to get out of stuff herself, even if she says she is. Of course, I
wouldn't want to say that to her face, but... let's just say I've been
helpful for her from time to time, and that's what counts, right?"
"I suppose, on an individual, mercenary sort of level... what's she
paying you?"
"Paying?"
"Compensation."
"Nothing, I guess," Gourry shrugged. "I get to share whatever treasure
we find so I can buy food and stuff..."
Ranma (imitating Gourry): We'll probably get married, through. (Lina @baps
Ranma. He falls over.)
Lina (still screaming): ME, MARRYING THAT UNCUTE PERVERT TOMBOY MACHO CHICK?!
A-ko: Um, Lina, that's Ranma's line.
Lina (looking confused): Oh.
"Probably not much," the soldier grunted. "You could do better
elsewhere. But you aren't elsewhere, are you? So what's the reason? Why
her? You complain to me every now and then that she's gone into a.. what'd
you call it? Slump?"
Touga (imitating Gourry): Well, I have been 0 for my last 37 at bats.
"Yeah, sort of... she doesn't really want to go out looking for bandits
or treasure or anything... I wish I knew why, but she gets upset whenever I
ask..."
"Now, that's one place where you ought to stand up," the commander
said. "In war, young'ns usually see horrible things. Stuff that makes 'em
not want to go out there again and face any kind of danger again. It's
common, lad. Lina may be more experienced and capable than a lot of the
boys here, but that just means she's seen MORE, you follow?"
"Uhh... no."
The commander backed up slightly. "She might've seen something that's
got her spooked. Afraid to go out into the fray again."
"Ohh," Gourry nodded. "Okay. Yeah, that's happened before, but..
never THIS bad."
Rising to his feet, back popping as he stretched out, the commander
made a suggestion. "You've got to confront her about this, lad. Find out
what's got her in a hidey-hole. Then maybe you can REALLY be of some help
to her. Besides, from the stories I've been hearing at the servant's
quarters weekly poker game, she's gonna be lynched if you don't get her out
of here. No offense intended."
Lina: Lynched? Around here?
Washu: By the way, Lina, when was the last time you did your laundry around
here? (Lina big-sweats.)
"Whoa," Gourry said. "Thanks for the warning, sir."
"Ahh, think nothing of it," the man shrugged. He fetched his sword,
and wandered across the yard to shout menacing things at the new recruits.
Andrew (imitating a french solider): Your mother was a hampster, and your
father smelled of elderberries! I fart in your general di-rection!
Ranma: That's it! (Ranma smacks Andrew around.)
[*]
Lina resolved her mind, and decided to think about exactly what they
were going to do directly and immediately after she finished her book.
The fifty pages whizzed by in an hour, Lina satisfied with the ending
of the book; Jean of course triumphed over the dream king, and was knighted
by the queen, becoming the first female knight of her land. And there was
much rejoicing.
Everyone (weakly): Yea!!!
The old stories had a sort of aura about them, of heroes and dragons,
swords and sorcery. Things were very dramatic, but they were very real,
too; you could feel these people, know them. A good book of old could be a
fireside pal for weeks (or months, if like most peasants, you could barely
read). In contrast, most new books were either informative or repetitive,
two things nobody was particularly interested in, but the classics never
died.
Lina: Then again, everyone thinks "Hot Tails" is a classic too.
Washu: Lina...would you please burn your Hentai mangas?
Lina never had much time for reading, being on the road all the time...
now she finally had a chance to finish 'Jean the Clever', a book she
started as a kid. Eventually, she got too busy practicing magic to have
any reading time, and lost her copy of the book on her first quest. There
was a nice feeling of closure about having completed it today.
But still, Lina felt restless, a kind of boredom that even a life's
reading couldn't solve. A deep, dyed in the wool boredom.
Utena: Strange since she was wearing cotton clothing.
Sighing, she fluttered her wings a bit--
A-ko: Great. Next, she'll have a blue diamond mark on her face.
Lina: I'm not going to be a goddess like Urd!
Ranma: Good thing, 'cause you don't have the hardware for it. (Lina screams
and bashes Ranma with apart of the Tardis equipment.)
Washu: Oh, great! You realize, that was the equipment used for taking off!
(Washu slams down on another part of the Tardis equipment. There's a jolt.)
Utena: What was that?
Washu: Jeeze, we're going to land.
Shampoo: But, Shampoo wants to take Ranma back to Nausicaa's castle!
(We quickly shift to the outside, and see the Tardis leaving the confines
of space and falling to the Earth. Back inside, everyone looks out of the
window. Andrew smiles.)
Andrew: Hey, I'm home!
Oh, great. They were back.
This, along with the Giga Lore prophecy, was especially worrying in her
life. She fetched a mirror, to examine the wings; golden orange, like
oversized butterfly wings. But they weren't REAL wings; she'd never get a
night's sleep if they were, unless she decided to cling to a tree branch to
snooze. They were more like.. the IDEA of having a pair of wings. Even
when she had a light shirt on, like now, they could be there, she could
feel them despite the illogical fabric being in the way.
Touga: Illogical? Since when are fabrics illogical?
Utena: When they're something that Vulcans wouldn't dare wear on a date...
(Rip! Lina's wings rip out from her costume. They look like a Monarch's
butterflies wings.)
Fortunately they
fit nicely under her cloak, so on the few days when she couldn't wish them
away, she could cover them.
Ryo-ok-hi: Miyaa? (Washu looks at Ryo-ok-hi, who's playing with Lina's wings.)
Washu: No, Ryo-ok-hi, Lina doesn't turn into a spaceship. Yet.
Lina: Oh, Ryo-ok-hi, don't stop there...can you scratch a little bit lower,
ah...! (Lina tilts her head back and purrs.)
She had gotten a bit better at controlling the wings. Not just
flapping them, which she practiced a little out of curiosity, without
actually trying to fly anywhere -- but making them appear and disappear by
concentrating her will. Still, sometimes they'd sneak onto her back when
she was feeling down, or casually thinking about them, or worse: when she
was surprised. And that stupid doorbell of Dayvid's surprised her just
enough to have them show up, and almost have Amelia see them...
Ranma: Just keep them away from anyone that has a cute fetish, and you'll
be alright.
She had to do something about this. Ignoring it wasn't working.
Well, there was ONE thing she could do...
Nervously eyeing the false brick in her wall, behind which she knew the
Giga Lores had been hidden, Lina chewed on her lip.
"No," she said. "No way. I'm not falling any farther into a prophetic
trap..."
The visitor at her door was thoughtful enough to simply knock, rather
than use the bell. Lina grabbed her cloak again, putting it on to cover
the wings, and called out for them to enter.
(Lina pulls Ryo-ok-hi away from her wings. She hugs the cabbit. Ryo-ok-hi
then goes off to play with Ranma's pig-tail.)
Gourry peeked in. He always peeked into Lina's room, after one
incident when she happened to be undressing for bed; the mark on his cheek
>from her slipper faded after a few days, though.
Andrew: That was after he gave her the Wonderbra for her birthday.
Lina: Oooh! I've had just about enough of this!
Ranma: Hey, you tease me all of the time, and you don't see me get this
riled up, right?
Andrew: Ranma, I have two words for you: "Mother's Gift." (Ranma glares at
Andrew.)
"Lina?" he said, carefully.
"It's fine, Gourry, come on in," Lina said.
"Oh, good," Gourry said, walking in. And because tact wasn't one of
his many virtues, he asked, "So, what're you afraid of?"
"....what?"
"See, I was talking with my friend Dave -- actually, he prefers
Commander Rickenpot -- and he said that maybe the reason why you weren't
interested in doing anything except sitting around was because you were
afraid of someone, and he said I should probably talk to you about it
before you get lynched. Well, he used more words, but I think that was the
important bit..."
Andrew: Seperated at birth: Gourry and Forrest Gump.
Lina: Amelia and Sailor Moon.
Ranma: Naga and Kodachi.
Utena: Zelgadis and the the Gargoyles. Oh, that reminds me, my friend the
Rose Princess and your Kodachi are having lunch right now.
Ranma: That's scary.
Lina sat in confusion for a moment.
"Oh," she said, after parsing Gourry's speech. "I'm not... Gourry,
come on now. If something was REALLY bothering me, I'd tell you, right?"
"Yes, you would," Gourry said honestly.
A bit of silence.
She had to do something about this. Ignoring it wasn't working.
"Ah, what the hell," Lina muttered. "Come on, let's go get some dinner
and I'll explain."
Washu: Wakko and Lina.
Lina: Hey! I resent that remark!
[*]
For dinner, Lina decided to have a juicy steak, a roast chicken,
three large salads, a basket of garlic cheesebread, one scoop of ice cream,
a bowl of vegetarian soup and a bowl of beef stew and two bottles of the
house's special 'Knock You Down' sake.
"I didn't know you liked to drink," Gourry said.
"I've been meaning to start," Lina said.
Touga: And then Lina'll start listening to Country Music. And smoke.
Gourry wasn't familiar with this bar and grill, but had seen it the few
times he went out in town. It was a quiet place, visited mostly by folks
who came for a nice quiet meal or a hushed conversation between two
people. Given how Lina came straight here, chances were she had been here
before, Gourry thought, putting his limited logic resources to the test.
But this was the first time she had brought him with her.
He himself had ordered the 'Hungry Man Sailoon Mega Special', which
turned out to be a heaping pile of steaks smothered in a fatty sauce with a
hearty side order of salad, for the obligatory healthy element.
"So, what's going on?" he asked, cutting away a bit of his steak,
having mastered the fine art of talking while devouring from years on the
road with Lina.
Lina chugged back a full third of her sake, then came up gasping and
wheezing. "Gleh!! How does Naga drink this stuff?"
"I think you're supposed to pour it in that little cup, not just drink
>from the bottle..."
"This? Oh. I thought it was a thimble, or something..."
"What's going on?" Gourry repeated. "Why are we hanging around here?
I mean, it's a nice city and all and Amelia's been a very good host, but...
it's boring, Lina."
Andrew: So Sailoon is sort of like Tacoma, Washington?
Lina: Well...you could say that.
"Okay.." Lina said, pouring herself a thimble of sake, and downing it.
"Gahh. Okay... where to start. Okay. You remember that book I got? The
one I told you not to tell anybody about?"
"Mmhmm," Gourry mumbled, mouth full. Swallow. "What aboutit?"
"Weeeell... there'sh a prophecy in there," Lina said. "It said that if
I cast two particular spells, I'd be locked in some prophecy leading me to
a third spell. And I don't WANT to be a prophecy. You know what happens
to those people?"
Gourry thought hard about this. "Well, my auntie Koirry said that if
my cousin Walter kept making faces at that girl down the block, he'd be
forced to spend an eternity with her. I guess it worked, because they got
married later, but it didn't seem like a bad thing. I think my auntie was
joking. She does that a lot."
Touga (imitating that little boy from Animaniacs): Okay, well one time,
Randy Beamer went to the hospital to get his tonsils taken out, but there
was a mix-up of patients and so, he ended up getting a circumsion and it
really hurt...
Utena: Touga!
Yet another bizarre tale of Gourry's upbringing sank into Lina's mind
like a concrete block in peat moss. Unable to deal with it sober, she
decided to polish off the bottle, and like all inexperienced drinkers, she
started to get very hot and wobbly. "Ummm... this ishn't like that,
Gourry. This ish a BAD prophecy. I think. I mean, we're talking 'bout
the most losht and wanted book of magic in the history of, of... man.
Sho."
"I don't get it," Gourry said.
"I don't wanna casht that third spell, obvioushly!!" Lina said, her
reactions getting a wee bit wilder. "But that shtupid fake omen person..
sooth... shoothshayer at the market hit it on the nail on the forehead.
I'm gonna haveto eventually. Can't jusht shit around here in Shailoon."
"Ne, Lina, watch your language," Gourry said, vaguely horrified.
"We're in public!"
Ranma: "vaguely horrified?"
"So," Lina continued, "Ahm jusht gonna sh.. not do anything. That'sh
all. If I gotta shettle down, thatsh fine, no more adventures... won't
missum. Won't. Maybe start a business. Like thoshe marketerpeople. You
seee?"
Scratching his head, Gourry tried to figure it out. "Soooo... to avoid
casting some prophecy you'll go to the bathroom in the castle like a
salesman? I don't get it."
"No, no, no!" Lina said, banging the table. She took another hit off
the bottle, found it was empty, moved to the other. "It's the SHPELL! I
don' wanna casht the Giga'sh Gate spell! Then I'd REALLY be shcrewed.
Couldn't avoid it after that..."
(Lina blushes.)
"What spell? You didn't show me the book."
"It'sh called Gigash' Gate," Lina said, slowly, so Gourry could
understand.
Washu: Giglamesh? Isn't he the one in Babylonian mythology that survived
the great flood?
Andrew: Yeah, I think...
"Doesn't sound that scary. How's it go?"
Sighing, Lina kept trying to make him understand. "Okay. It goesh :
Power beyond the known powersh, deeper than the deeeepest mind--"
"You're not waving your hands or chanting," Gourry pointed out
helpfully. "I thought you always did that when reciting a spell."
Ranma: Um, Gourry, you really can be so blantly stupid...
"Fine! Fine! Here'sh me waving my hands and chanting!" Lina said,
waving her arms, drawing on magical power to demonstrate exactly why she
didn't want to cast this spell. She concentrated. "'Power beyond the
known powers, deeper than the deepest mind, King of Darkness, Queen of
Light, shining like gold on the Sea of Chaos, I call upon thee, swear
myself to thee, let the knowledge we posses be one... GIGA'S GATE!'"
Gourry nodded, getting it. "That does sound ominous. You're right,
you probably shouldn't cast it."
Lina nodded.
Gourry nodded.
"...wait a minute..." Lina said, clueing into something. "Did I
jusht--"
A golden explosion of light enveloped the table, and it vanished from
the restaurant, occupants and all. A silent thunder clap echoed across the
land--
Lina: Ddddddddd'oooooooooooooh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (There's a thud. We see the
Tardis sitting outside an small building. Everyone looks out. It looks like
a typical college setting.)
Andrew: Hey, it's my department! I'm back at college! I'm home!
[*]
Here lies a rolling lake of golden energy. Liquid light, fluid chaos,
a thing that should not exist under the laws of the universe in a place
that does not exist under the laws of the universe. It has no dimensions
as humans know them. It simply exists, an entity, a place, a unit, a
sphere, an existence. This is what lies outside what is and what will be.
Beyond that, it defies the words that dare to describe it.
Washu: Unless you're the World's Greatest Scientist like me!!!
Overlooking that lake, in a little bubble of authentic reality, is a
dinner table and two very surprised diners.
Andrew (imitating Gourry): Uh...Check please!!!
There are few sights that can really knock the sobriety into someone,
and this one gave Lina a hammer blow to the face. Sheet white and
panicked, realization sunk in. "Oh, god... I didn't.. GOURRY!!! You made
me chant the spell!!"
Lina: Gourry, you bastard!
Gourry raised his knife to block Lina's fork attack. "I didn't mean
to! I thought you were just demonstrating!"
"Think I demonstrated enough for you to GET A CLUE?! Now who knows
where we are?!" Lina asked, gesturing to the wholly unreal landscape.
"This is exactly the sort of thing I was trying to avoid, getting caught up
in some strange-powers-from-beyond-space-and-time sort of affair--"
Ranma: Oh, I get it. You're at Jusenkyou. Home of the spring of drowned
girl and her cousins from Mongolia. Very tragedic story.
Utena: Either that or the green room of the Jerry Springer Show.
'Lina Inverse,' a voice toned, ringing through Lina's head with an
earth shatteringly quiet volume, a crystal sound that made itself clear to
her.
Everyone execept Lina (imitating James Earl Jones): THIS...is CNN!
Lina: Oh, Kami-sama...I have this huuuge headache...
Andrew: I think we can see that you and Gourry are seriously trippin' (Lina
smashes Andrew's head repeated with her sword. She has to throw it away
since it's severely dented with Andrew's headprints.)
Washu: Lina, if you don't stop that, I'm gonna have to sedate you.
Lina turned away from Gourry to look at the lake below them, where for
some reason she was positive the voice came from. An aspect of the water,
set up to address them... "I think there's been some kind of
misunderstanding," she said. "You see, I didn't mean to--"
Lina: Ooops?
'Again, The Gate Has Been Used For Its Creator's True Purpose,' the
voice said, sounding relieved, or at least Lina thought the worlds seemed
relieved, even though they didn't sound relieved.
A-ko (imitating the voice/Darth Vader): Lina...you can't escape your
destiny...come join the dark side...I am your mother! (Lina looks at A-ko
and starts to cry.)
Lina: I'm doomed.
'You Are One Who Has
Cast The Light And The Dark And The Door, As Merlin Giga Had Bargained With
Me. I Greet You, Lina Inverse, As You Have Grown To Know Me, For I Am The
Lord Of Nightmares.'
A-ko (imitating the Lord of Nightmares): Thus, Lina, consider this to be a
dream.
Lina couldn't think of anything to say whatsoever in reply.
'I Have A Task For The One Who Cast The Powers And Gained The Gift,'
the Lord of Nightmares continued. 'You May Choose Not To Undertake It, And
If You Are Human, You Will Remain Aimless, Restless, Forever Adrift, As You
Are Now.'
Ranma: Sorta like James Dean. I think.
"I'm confused," Gourry said helplessly.
Washu (imitating the Lord of Nightmares): Yes, Gourry, we know you are
ALWAYS confused.
"I.. think I'm not," Lina said, her sinking feeling starting to send up
warning flares and get first class passengers to the lifeboats.
Andrew (who holds his head in pain): Flares? Lifeboats?! Twoflower, have
you been watching Titanic waaay too much?!
"What's
this task you want? ...o most powerful Lord of Nightmares? I mean."
Touga (imitating the Lord of Nightmares): I want you to seek the Holy
Grail! And a shruberry for me to call my own!
The Lord of Nightmares paused. Maybe it was collecting its thoughts,
trying to find the best phrasing in a language it wasn't used to using.
Maybe it was trying to spook Lina into a certain reaction. Maybe Lina
would never know why.
Lina (yelling): And maybe the narrator oughta shadup!
'First, You Will Draw The Wingless,' the Lord spoke. 'You Will Be
Aided. At The Next Step, I Will Return To Guide You. That Is All. Now,
You Will Return Home.'
Nausicaa: Gee, you don't minse words, do you?
"..the what? Whoa, whoa, time out," Lina said, making a T with her
hands, addressing the lake. "I have absolutely no idea what you're talking
about. How am I supposed to go on whatever quest you've got for me if--"
'You Will Be Aided,' the lake replied.
"You're not going to explain yourself beyond that, are you?"
'No.'
"As long as we're on the same level," Lina said. "Is there any way to
back out of this?"
'I Have Described The Way.'
"It's not a very attractive option."
'I Have Described The Way.'
Andrew (singing): PREpare the way of the Lorrrd! (Lina twitches her nose.
Andrew turns into a girl.)
"Okay, okay..." Lina said. All concerns about not being pious before
her Lord, a being of pure power that exists outside human understand had
gone out the window a few moments ago. "I'd like to at least lodge a
protest vote, even if you don't care. It's very rude to trap someone like
this, you know, blackmail them into doing your bidding. And I bet this
counts as kidnapping, too."
'I Have Not Trapped You. The Winds Of Chaos Simply Sweep In Unusual
Ways.'
Lina: Where's Agent 99 when you need her?
"Yeah, yeah, fine. Gourry, let's book."
"Hang on a second," Gourry said. Then he turned to address the
ultimate creator of his world. "Excuse me, miss, umm..."
'Lord Of Nightmares.'
"Right, Lord of Nightmares. You're, like, the person who created
everything and stuff, right?" Gourry asked.
'I Am The Maker Of All. I Am The Seer Of All. Over Shaburanigdo And
Ceipheed I Rule. Over Mankind's Existence I Rule, Looking On High, Silent
As Time. Over All Things Seeking Destruction And Preservation I Am Lord.'
Ranma (imitating the Lord of Nightmares): I also do birthdays and Bar Mizhavs.
"Right. Maybe you can answer something for me... for the longest time,
I was wondering--"
'No, There Wasn't A Monster In Your Closet When You Were Eight. It Was
Just Your Brother Trying To Scare You.'
Everyone (execept Lina, who's not in a very good mood):
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!(They all ROTFL.)
"Okay, thanks," Gourry said. "Let's go, Lina."
"..." Lina commented, as the dinner table phased back into normal
space.
[*]
--rolling over mountains, hills and cities...
Lina heard the last echoes of the thunder caused by Giga's Gate when
the table landed, shifting perfectly back into the diner's existence like
nothing had happened.
Gourry sat in silence for a moment, reorienting himself. In wake of
such amazing revelations brought on by the god of all, he thought about the
situation, and resumed eating his dinner.
"Gourry!" Lina protested.
"What?" he asked. "It'll get cold if we don't finish it. Besides, I'm
hungry."
"We just met the LORD OF NIGHTMARES!" Lina said. "How can you just eat
like that?!"
"I'm hungry."
Ranma: Me too.
Andrew-chan: Perhaps if Lina would turn me back into a BOY, perhaps we'll
see what Mom left for me to eat!
Lina: Fine. (Andrew-chan turns back into a boy.)
Lina couldn't argue with that logic. Grudgingly, she took a forkful of
her steak and chewed.
"So, does this mean we're going out on a quest?" Gourry asked
hopefully.
"I don't want to," Lina said. "No choice, though..."
A-ko: Wimp!
"Awww, come on!" Gourry said. "Don't look at it like some big chore.
Don't you feel energized? Happy to be back in the saddle again? That's
what my uncle Tim said anyway, see, he rode cows for a living even though
they didn't go very fast--"
Touga (imitating Gourry): Life is like a box of chocolates...you never know
how many you're gonna eat.
"No good'll come of this, I just know it," Lina mumbled. "Just my luck
to get stuck with it."
That's when Gourry stood up, leaning over the table to address Lina
directly.
"Forgive me for saying, but..." Gourry started, to get an apology
placed in advance. "But you've been moping around doing nothing for a
month, when we should be out having adventures and living on the road! You
know you're only happiest when you're beating bad guys up and looting them,
or finding some lost magic, and so on, with your friends around you and all
sorts of interesting things happening!"
Andrew (imitating Gourry): And I want to marry you!
Lina leaned back in her chair, wholly unused to Gourry being.. well,
aggressive towards her. "But.. Gourry, this isn't some normal jaunt, it
could be very, very dangerous--"
"Didn't we kill part of Shabubabingo? If--"
Ranma: Bada Bing!
A-ko: Bada Bam!
Washu (holding up a stereo): Bada Booooom Box!
"--It's Shaburanigdo, Gourry--
"--if that didn't kill us, I don't know what will," Gourry said. "And
we can't just hole up when something bad comes along. Come on, Lina! What
happened to that good old Lina Inverse who was a real go-gett'um kinda
person? Did this whole thing with the mirror lores and that thing with
whatsername, that big god, really spook you that bad? What happened to the
Lina that I... I... well, you know. Enjoyed hitting the road with and
stuff, yeah!"
(Everyone's laughing except for Lina, who's crying.)
Washu (laughing): Bwahahahaha! Gourry...don't quit your day job!
Lina's head soaked words. Gourry hit every nail right on the head.
Lina: And it hurts!
She was hiding, wasn't she? And why? Because it was mean and nasty and
spooky? Would Lina the bandit-killing heroine of tales old and new really
get an APARTMENT somewhere? Would Jean the Clever settle down and become a
couch potato?
Lina wouldn't turn down a challenge. Maybe she had seen things better
left unseen and done things better left undone over the last few months,
and generally gone up against situations that went outside the norm. But
would that beat her down? Would she become a depressive slacker? Will
this stop her from being a legend in her own time? Would she keep asking
herself hypothetical questions?
Lina: I tell you, this author's being brutal on me!
"Hell no!" Lina said.
Andrew (imitating Lina): We won't go!
Lina: Andrew!
"No?" Gourry asked, confused once more.
"No way! Lina wouldn't do that!" Lina said, talking about herself in
the third person. "She'd roll up her sleeve, strap on a sword and just
start blowing things up!-- scratch that. She'd get out there and TAKE CARE
OF BUSINESS!!"
"Right! Exactly!" Gourry said, feeling the energy of his little pep
talk. "Let's go, Lina!"
"Right behind you, Gourry!" Lina said.
The two bolted from the restaurant without paying the bill and ran for
ten blocks on the sheer invigorating power of purpose before collapsing to
a panting heap of exhaustion.
"...where are we going, anyway?" Gourry asked, somewhat after the fact,
leaning against a nearby wall to catch his breath.
"I have no idea," Lina said. "Maybe we should be... *wheeze* figuring
that out first."
Gourry looked around the city, hoping to spot whatever it was they were
questing for. Instead he saw a large number of armed men approaching
them. "Uh, Lina...?"
"Yeah?" Lina asked.
"I think we're in trouble."
The city guard of Sailoon had them surrounded in moments, swords out.
The captain of the watch stepped forward, leading a nervous bar and grill
owner with him.
"These the two who ran out without paying?" he asked.
Lina: D'oh!
[*]
Rattling the bars of her cell, Lina tried to attract some attention.
"I was framed!" she yelled. "It's a scam! I didn't do it! We were
temporarily insane! Let us out! I'M STARVING!!!"
"They already said they'd go get Amelia when she wakes up in the
morning," Gourry said, relaxing on the prison cell's surprisingly
comfortable cot. "It's okay, we'll be out of here in no time. It was just
a restaurant bill."
Nausicaa: Sort of like Norm and his bar tab at Cheers.
"A bill for food we didn't get to eat!" Lina complained. "It's been
hours since I last ate, and now I have to go to bed without any reasonable
supper! This quest isn't starting out well. We're on a mission from god,
you think the least she could do was send us some bread from the heavens or
something..."
"Really? Wow! I didn't know the Lord of Nightmares could do that.
What kind of bread does she send?"
"...she's never done it before," Lina admitted. "Actually, in all of
recorded history she's only actually talked to a human maybe two or three
times... so a lot of people doubt she really exists even though a few
churches worship her just in case... and a lot of people think Ceipheed is
the real creator of all... um. I don't think she does bread, actually."
"Huh. What a weird god," Gourry said.
"Mythology about the Lord of Nightmares is really old," Lina explained,
giving a brief history lesson to take her mind off her ravenous hunger.
"Really old and very vague. There aren't any new legends about her, just
legends of what she did at the beginning of time... they say that she made
the world, and filled it with life. She made the Dragon race, beings who
sought the preservation of life and the world, and the Mazoku race that
sought the destruction of everything. She also made White and Black
magic. But beyond that, she doesn't really take part in anything unless
specifically summoned."
Lina: She is a big Yankees fan, though.
"So... we summoned her?" Gourry asked.
"Kinda," Lina said. "All three of Giga's spells call on her in some
way or another, from what I understand. It's a power higher than
Shaburanigdo or even Ceipheed, that's what makes Giga Slave and Giga
Restoration so dangerous. Nothing can stand up to it. Of course, if you
cast it wrong, you could start an apocalypse... thank Her the spells were
lost or destroyed. I'm probably one of the few people alive that knows
one, much less more than one."
"Boy, this is big stuff," Gourry understated.
"Which is why I was very interested in NOT getting involved," Lina
said. "Of course, we're in it with both feet now..."
"Don't worry!" Gourry said, trying to cheer Lina up. "With my sword
and your magic, even it is some big thing with the Nightmare Lord and the
Gidget Lores, we'll manage to... uh..... we'lllll........"
"Go ahead, ask it," Lina said.
"What ARE we supposed to be doing for the Lord of Nightmares, exactly?"
Gourry wondered.
"I have no idea whatsoever," Lina said, having a seat on the floor in a
grumpy posture. "We're 'drawing the wingless'. That's it. No explanation
given. Oh, and we'd be given aid. I'd love to know if that aid comes with
bail money. This is a really lousy way to start a quest, you know? At
least when we left to get the Mirror Lores we were being trumpeted and
honored with an escort out of Sailoon."
"Actually, weren't we running for our lives in case anybody tried to
follow us?"
"You remember it your way, I'll remember it mine," Lina suggested.
The matter settled, the two sat in silence.
Lina hurled herself at the bars with new energy. "LEMME OUT! I'M
STARVING!!"
An idea hit Gourry like a fly on a window. "Wait. Why not just magic
our way out of here?"
"We can't just take off from Sailoon like that. I've still got my
stuff in my room, like... that book. You know? And do you REALLY want us
to be fugitives from the law?"
"Oh, okay. It's a good idea to obey the law," Gourry agreed. "So
we'll wait here until morning."
"Right."
"Are Amelia, Naga and Zelgadis coming with us? Or Lily?"
Lina paused. "I hadn't thought of that. Lily's already settled down
in some white magic society in the city, and really isn't cut out for
questing. Zelgadis... he already left, and Naga wanted to go off on her
own, at last check... I haven't actually seen her around lately. No idea
what she's really up to. Amelia might be interested..."
"That's good," Gourry nodded. "The more people, the better."
"Why's that?" Lina asked.
"Because they're your friends, of course!" Gourry said, grinning
goofily. "Friends help each other out when one of them is down on his
luck, or when they've lost their favorite dog, or when God ordered them to
go draw the wingless. That's what my aunt Koirry always said."
"...she specifically said it that way?"
"Well, not all the time," Gourry said. "I think. I definitely
remember the bit about the dog."
"Uh... huh. While tales of your family's exploits are thrilling me to
tears, I think maybe we should get some rest now. Okay?"
"Sure!" Gourry agreed.
Lina looked at the only bed in the room, which Gourry was on.
Technically, it was big enough to fit two people. Just barely. That
wasn't a thought she wanted to pursue.
Andrew: Unless this was rated a lemon.
"Ah..." she said. "As for where we'll sleep..."
"Hmm? Oh... oh, the cot," Gourry said, climbing off immediately.
"Here you go."
"...hey, wait. What's that for?" Lina asked.
"Well, you're a girl," Gourry cheerfully explained. "So you need
somewhere soft to sleep. It's a man's job to take the floor when there's
only one bed available because it's the right thing to do!"
"What's that implying, then?" Lina asked. "That I'm too soft to sleep
on the floor? Didn't we just go over how Lina Inverse was a go-gettum girl
who could take on the world? I'LL have the floor, thank you. You seemed
just fine and cozy on that cot."
"But--"
"No buts," Lina said, stretching out and finding a good spot of hard
concrete to stretch out on. "G'night."
"Uh... g'night," Gourry replied.
As the night was running long and the day had been a particularly
eventful and tiring one, Lina managed to get to sleep despite lying
uncomfortably on the floor. Minutes passed.
Gourry, who couldn't get himself to sleep, glanced over at Lina, with a
pang of some feeling. Moving naturally, he carefully picked her up and set
her down on the cot, pulling the rough blanket over her, and then curled up
himself on the ground to rest. It seemed like the right thing to do, even
if Lina wasn't a soft person.
Andrew: Especially her chest.
Lina: Grrrrr...
[*]
A silent thunderclap, rolling over mountains, cities and hills...
Outside of the bar and grill where it originated, very few people
actually heard the non-sound. It wasn't that kind of echo, not something
that normal ears could detect; it was more of a shockwave from a great and
strange event, a start of things. The right kind of people, however, heard
it loud and clear.
A young woman sat bolt up in her chair, having dozed off in front of a
blank page of a book, now messed up quite a bit from drool and running
ink. Cursing quietly, she did her best to dab up the spills.
She wore green, for the most part, and you could bet there was a lute
somewhere in the room. Bard's fashions are a tradition onto themselves,
designed to have your wardrobe identified with your career. Tellers of
stories and players of songs live on tips, after all. But this bard wasn't
the usual sort, which is defined as a thirtysomething idealistic male who
has a small alcohol problem and a lot of sunburn; she was younger than
most, with red hair that wasn't dusty and messy from road travel, and
certain bits of anatomy boys don't have.
A-ko: Like a brain.
But she definitely wore green.
Plus, she had a certain talent. She could feel stories. When the
thunderclap sounded, she felt it, washing over her like a refreshing
beverage. This was a sensation she recognized; a story was starting, a
doozy, one really worthy of being written down. It wasn't a feeling she
got very often, not nowadays. Maybe in the past when times were different
and tales spawned like rabbits, but now...
There was only one story that could have run that strong, and that
would be Lina's.
Okay, maybe her little act today in the market didn't work. Acting
wasn't her strong point. She was a writer, not a thespian, and her efforts
to guide Lina towards what the synthetic soothsayer figured was her destiny
were amateurish. But would the story have started if they didn't have some
effect? Maybe they did. Maybe it was just some random event. Either way,
the ball was rolling. Time to get on it.
Utena (imitating the soothsayer): I've got find that ball!
It was energizing, knowing you had a purpose, for someone who had been
as bored as she was lately. Waiting for her book to dry enough for her to
close it safely took time, but once that time was spent, she quickly closed
it up and gathered all the possessions she had for travel.
Next, she'd have to close her account at this inn. She wouldn't be
staying in Sailoon any longer. She was on to bigger and better things,
after all!
The innkeep cashed her out, settling the bill. They exchanged idle
conversation, since she was very good at getting people to talk about their
lives, and learned something really unsettling.
"She WHAT?"
Washu (imitating innkeep): Yeah, Lina and Gourry are getting married.
Lina: Washu! How could I even think about sleeping with that dimwit!
Washu: Well, you gotta at least think that Gourry's cute.
Lina: Washu, please, let's not go there.
"Arrested," the innkeep said. "And a good thing of it too. The
stories I could tell you about Lina Inverse... word of THAT one gets
around. Why, there was this time when--"
"But she can't BE arrested," the girl insisted. "It doesn't work. She
needs to be up and going. It's all starting!"
The innkeep eyed her strangely. "What's starting, Miss?"
"Everything!" Miss said, waving her arms. "The... the whole... this
and... oooh!"
"Well, if you're that upset, go and break her out of jail," the innkeep
smirked.
"Hmmm... normally I don't actually interfere in these things directly,
but... I guess I don't have a choice. How do I break into Sailoon's jail?"
"Uh... Miss? I was kidding."
"Oh. OH! Ha ha!" Miss laughed nervously. "Me too. What a kidder I
am! Excuse me."
The young storyteller ran out of the inn as fast as she could. Pity,
the inkeep thought. She did bring in a crowd at dinnertime with her little
tales.
Andrew: And later on at night as well...
[*]
Succulent leg of lamb... marinated in such a sweet, sweet sauce, that
melts on the tongue even as you smell it. Lina smiled, delight dancing in
her eyes, as she sank her teeth in...
"OW!" Gourry yelled, as Lina bit his leg. "Ow! Lina, quit it!"
"mrr?" Lina asked, snapped out of her lovely dream, to see Gourry's leg
between her teeth. She quickly let go, and spit a few times off to the
side to get the taste out of her mouth. Her stomach rumbled like a ogre on
a bad day.
"What time is it?" Gourry asked, stretching out. "Is it morning yet?
Can we go?"
Lina glanced over at the window, at the unusually thick, nasty grey fog
that had descended over Sailoon. "I can't tell. I'd hazard it's almost
morning, though. I need breakfast. I NEED breakfast."
A far off clink of iron and a scrape of stone told Lina that the door
to her cell block was opening, and breakfast would soon be on the way.
Like a bolt of lightning she was up at the bars. "Hello? Helloooooo??
He--"
"HELLO!" Amelia said, springing into view like a small fast scary
springing thing. Lina fell over backwards.
Lina: AAAHHHH! Don't scare me like that!
"Hee.. hello, Amelia," Lina said, regaining some composure. "Boy, you
don't know how happy we are to see you!..."
Something was amiss.
Amelia had one of those dramatic looks about her, after her eternally
cheerful initial greeting had subsided. It was one of those betrayed,
lo-as-a-single-tear-rolls-down-my-cheek sort of looks. A Say It Ain't So
Joe sort of look.
"Lina, Lina! Where do I go wrong?" Amelia asked, clutching her hands
to her chest in shock. "That you should turn to petty thievery to feed
yourself, after being so impolitely scorned from your host's kitchens. Woe
be to justice that you should turn to its dark sides in your starvation!"
Ranma: Don't you get the feeling that Amelia a few sandwitches short of a
picnic.
Lina: I'm hungry!
"Uh..." Lina defended. "It was just.. a misunderstanding, you see..."
"It's a sad day indeed," Amelia sighed. "I'm sorry it had to be this
way, Lina Inverse, that you should go to prison for no less than three
months for your crimes, but I can assure you that Sailoon's justice system
is the finest in the world, and your rehabilitation--"
"Rehabilitation?!" Lina gagged. "Amelia, we just got so excited about
a new quest that we ran out without thinking. Come on, we're not
criminals!"
Gourry piped in. "What about all those villages you accidentally
destroyed or the bandits you killed or the treasures you stole or-- ow! My
foot!"
Lina: Good. Maybe you'll INSERT IT IN YOUR MOUTH!
"Anyway," Lina continued, "We'll pay the bill and forget this ever
happened. Okay?"
Amelia looked aghast. "Lina! I'd have thought your travels with me
would have taught you about the rightness of justice! It's just three
months, and it's not like you were doing.... um. You said you were on a
quest?"
"Yes, a very very important one," Lina said, clinging to that anchor in
the conversation. This could be the leverage she needed!
Amelia looked torn. "Well, if it's... I mean, it's very important,
and... but wait, justice needs to be firm with a caring hand, and... but...
what is the quest, anyway?"
"She's 'drawing the wingless' for the Lord of Nightmares," Gourry
interjected, before Lina could say anything.
"The Lord of...? Lina, you've taken leave of your senses, haven't
you?" Amelia asked. "You were reportedly drinking heavily at the
scene...... oh no! You're a drug abuser, aren't you??"
Touga (imitating Amelia): Lina, this is your brain. This is your brain with
hash browns and a side of bacon...
Lina banged on the bars in frustration. "I am not, am not, am NOT!"
"They say that denial is the first sign!" Amelia realized, horrified.
"Oh no, it IS true! But fear not! You can use the time to get yourself
straight. Don't worry, Lina! We'll take good care of you! You have
Amelia's promise!"
Amelia posed dramatically, a sign of her total confidence in Lina's
future and her evergrowing commitment to her well being, turned with a
flourish and marched out.
"Get back here so I can strangle you!!" Lina politely requested.
"Amelia, you clueless little... OOOH!!"
"Gosh, I didn't know you were a drug user," Gourry said, shocked.
Lina pulled out her bunny slipper* and smacked Gourry around a little.
"I said I'm NOT! You were there and saw the same things I did, anyway!!"
Whap whap whap whap whap whap.
(Everyone looks at Lina.)
Everyone: Bunny slippers?
Lina: Well, yeah. They multiply like crazy, you know.
"Ow! Ow! Hey!" Gourry protested. "Okay! Okay. So what do we do
now?"
"Forget this. We're busting out of here," Lina said, charging up a
small fireball. "We can't go to jail. We're on a mission from god."
Moments later, an explosion rocked the prison tower in the Royal Palace
of Sailoon. Warning sirens were sounded, bricks and mortar tumbling a few
stories to the ground below. Lina stepped up to the edge, trying to see
anything through the thick fog.
"It's not the best exit, but here's what we'll do," Lina explained.
"We'll fly out of the compound, circle around in the fog, go in through my
window and grab our stuff. Please tell me you left your Sword of Light in
your room instead of having it be confiscated by the guards."
"Uh, yeah... I mean, it was only a dinner run..."
"Good planning," Lina complemented. "Now, time to bail."
"But I can't fly," Gourry said. "How will we--"
Lina hopped onto Gourry's back, wrapping her arms around his neck.
Gourry stumbled around, over the edge--
"*RAYWING!*" Lina cast, forming a shield around the pair of them,
zooming down, down, twisting up and gliding out of the walls around the
palace.
(Everyone humms the theme from "Superman: The Movie.")
Gourry pounded on his chest until his heart resumed beating, and
swallowed hard. "You could WARN me before you do that stuff, you know."
"You're flying, aren't you?" Lina joked, shouting into his ear over the
rushing wind. Barely seen rooftops wavered by below them, through the
haze. "We'll be out of sight shortly and away from the guard. Amelia'll
be annoyed, but it can't be helped, right?"
"Right," Gourry said. "We'll just apologize to her later or
something. Hey, maybe you should teach me that Raything spell sometime,
then I could fly without your bony elbows peircing my back!"
Lina bonked him. "You can't cast magic! It takes years of training!
You'd have a better chance of sprouting wings and flapping away!"
That did it.
Something stretched the protective bubble of Raywing, interrupting the
spell and sending the power cascading down to nothing. The wings, summoned
by Lina's casual thought about them and her lack of control over their
comings and goings, snapped into being on her back, spread wide to catch
the wind... feeling so natural, easily taking the air and running with it,
flying without magic...
They kept flying. Lina's blood stopped in fear. She had never flown
without magic before. To say it was unnerving was to say that the ocean
was shallow.
"That's funny, it's not humming like the spell usually does anymore,"
Gourry said. "What's keeping us up in the air?"
"I was wondering the same thing--" Lina said, before she actually DID
wonder what was keeping them up, and suddenly, they weren't gliding
anymore. They were plunging to earth at unstoppable speeds.
Ranma: Incoming!
[*]
The young girl who typically was only known as Miss lumbered down the
morning streets of Sailoon, carrying a pickaxe, a hard hat, two coils of
rope over each shoulder, a few grappling hooks and at least three swords.
She had a bale of explosive powder and a book of matches between her teeth,
since she had run out of hands, and was dashing as fast as her legs could
carry her towards the palace.
It took most of the night to find the right kind of seedy criminal that
knew how to break into the jail, and the rest of the night was spent
gathering up the right tools for the job. Finally, running on a low amount
of sleep and a lot of adrenaline, she was ready to go rescue Lina Inverse
and get the show on the road -- and hopefully, get her career as a writer
back on track as well.
She tried to ignore the fact that this was probably the stupidest thing
she had ever done in her life. She ignored that she normally just sort of
observed these kinds of stories, writing them down, never participating.
She ignored the quiet screaming that was slowly getting louder and lou--
She couldn't ignore the two figures that were desperately trying to
glide through the air to a soft landing, especially when they crashed into
her head on, spilling jailbreak gear all over the pavement and rolling to a
crumpled heap against the side of a candle shop.
All three sat up, rubbing their heads, and then got a good look at each
other.
"You?!!" Miss gasped.
Lina: Oh, great, it's Miss Soothsayer-from-Sally-Struthers.
"The soothsayer?" Lina asked, confused.
"Whoa, Lina! When did you get those wings?" Gourry asked, pointing to
the slightly injured butterfly wings, which had seen enough use for one
day. Perhaps one lifetime.
"You have wings?!" Miss asked. "But... nobody's had those for--"
Ranma: Days.
Andrew: Weeks.
Washu: Months.
Shampoo: Since the Raiders had a winning season...
A clanging clamor sounded. The city guard was approaching.
"Long winded explanations later," Lina recommended. "Fast running
now."
The trio got their act together, and started to move.
TO BE CONTINUED
Nausicaa: Okay! Let's get out of here and find a priest!
Andrew: Uh, there's one problem.
Shampoo: What problem?
Ranma: Shampoo, do you have a wedding license? (Shampoo looks around
frantically.)
A-ko: We didn't think so. (WHAM! Nausicaa and Shampoo are out. Andrew and
A-ko hold broken mallets. Lina breaks the chains that hold Ranma to Shampoo.)
Lina: Well, I'm finally glad that's over. I wonder what happens after this.
Voice: Basically, a lot of people chase after you, including me. (The voice
comes forward. It's Luna Inverse.)
Lina: AIYAYAYAYA! Sister! How'd you get here?
Luna: I sneaked on abort with the two silly princesses. You never call, you
never write!
Lina: But, sis!
Luna: Don't "sis" me, Lina Inverse. But I need your help. Mom's found me.
She wants us to get married.
Utena: Dear Lord, there's a Mrs. Inverse!
Lina: Mom wants us married?
Luna: Yeah, and she claims she found two nice jewish men for us.
Touga: Your mom's from New York?
Lina: No. I don't know how she got that Brooklyn accent anyway.
Andrew: Well, we'll have to sort that one out in a future fic. Anyway,
speaking for Redhead MST, we generally liked Gagne's fic. All I hope it
doesn't have such a cheesy ending as his "Slayer Reflect" did. Goodnight
everyone!