RPM - acct 3/5 wrote:
You thought it would never happen.
We thought it would never happen.
Here it is. The story that shouldn't have
been done, a followup to last year's
hit Hellblazer/Ah My Goddess crossover,
DIRE FATES (http://www.uh.edu/~rpm/direfates)
Be scared.
-rod m & david tai
------------------------------------------------
---------------------------------
Rod M. & David Tai present...
John Constantine:
SAILOR HELLBLAZER
Oh, Eris. Not that....
<snip>
It seemed to be a pen. A gaudy, glitzy sort of pen, but
still a pen.
And from it, he sensed magic.
Carefully, he picked it up and examined it. Aside from
sensing magic within it, he couldn't see anything
particularly spectacular about it. He shrugged, put it in
his shirt pocket, and returned to his apartment.
No, John! Throw it away! Go read the Necronomicon in
an isolated New England village, in a haunted house,
during a solar eclipse! Trust me, it would be much safer!
<snip>
While she knew that terrible things had happened to her
uncle because of magic, Gemma was still curious about it.
She also thought her uncle was terribly hypocritical about
it. Telling her to not touch it, then turning around and
messing about with it himself? Terribly hypocritical.
For now, Gemma gave up on seeing the pen, but she silently
vowed to get a hold of it later, by hook or by crook.
So much for John's hopes that the Constantine curse would
skip past Gemma, eh?
---
Somewhere in his maze, the robed figure known as Destiny was
pacing about calmly as he was known to do. His book, in
which the tale of mankind was written, was open, as it often
was.
He looked a bit puzzled, which was considerably out of the
ordinary for him.
His confusion washed away once he read some fine print on
the page.
John Constantine.
Ah. Well. That would explain it then.
With a neutral expression back on his face, he closed the
book and continued his walk.
And, likely as not, stopped to pull a flask out out of his
robes, and took a long swig of some liquid with a *ludicrously*
high alcohol level.
John tends to have that effect on the Powers That Be.
<snip>
Negaverse? John frowned. Hadn't heard that one before.
"Calcite? Innit the stuff that comes with milk?"
Ah, John's tact and charm exhibit themselves once more.
"Bugger off, damn you!" wheezed the old man.
The woman scowled, fire lighting around her. "How DARE
you!"
John shrugged. The girl didn't seem to be much, a typical
soul peddler. The old man was an occult novice, so there
wasn't anything to worry about there. Just dismantle this
little scene peacefully then go home for some guiness.
But first, the trademark cigarette.
He reached in his pocket and pulled out a cigarette, then
paused as it was inches from his face.
Wait. That wasn't a cigarette. It was that bloody stupid
pen.
Oh, please no.
<snip>
John stared at the pen for a moment, mesmerized by the
swirling patterns on its surface. Words rose from the back
of his mind, racing towards his mouth.
"Hell... fire... power?"
Oh. No.
*POOF*
"What the.... BLOODY HELL!"
OH. NO. *PLEASE*, Eris be merciful, NO!
- - -
Lectures, thought Gemma, were a bloody bore. She seriously
mulled over sneaking out of the auditorium, bumming off her
classmates' notes later on.
Suddenly, she felt a chill run through her spine. It was as
if something had left her... a piece of her soul, perhaps.
Does this mean that John's *permenantly* Sailor Hellblazer?!
Please, don't let it be permenant. Please, don't let it be
pemenant. Please...
<snip>
Calcite stood there, gaping. She'd heard of this sort of
thing, but never actually seen it or really believed it.
Where once there stood an ordinary man, there was now a
woman in a short black pleated dress and tight black
leotard.
So it not only put him in the Sailor Soldier/Scout/Senshi
uniform, it also gave John a *sex change*!?!
And she was holding the wand.
"Oh no," she whimpered. "It's one of them."
And who says that living in the Negaverse will
automatically stunt your intelligence?
- - -
Instincts were racing through his body, words buzzing
through his head, and John struggled to keep them at bay.
He was a She.
He was a GIRL.
He was a GIRL in a SHORT SKIRT.
She was _very_ mad.
John's definately going to be an even bigger bastard then
usual with the fact that he's now a *she* racing through
his/her mind.
She raised his glare from the pen to the woman, and words,
not entirely his own, flowed from his mouth.
"Taking advantage of the elderly..." she said through
gritted teeth, "to power the forces of darkness..."
In her mind, she wondered what the hell she was saying. These
words were crap! Overdramatic bullshit that you wouldn't catch the
worst actress saying!
Hear, hear! At least the transformation hasn't *totally* rewritten
John's personality! There still may be hope!
"In the name of... in the name of..." She shuddered,
fighting the words that were trying to come out.
There was no way in hell she was willing to say 'In the name
of love, I will punish you!'.
No.
Bloody.
Way.
John straightened herself out, pointed the wand at the
woman, and posed dramatically, tho in a somewhat macho
fashon.
"In the name of love.... fuck off."
Yes! Praise Discordia! Some of John "ConJob" Constantine
survives! Perhaps he can even be cured of this acute
case of Sailoritist. Of course, this would probably mean
that Gemma would catch it, but she *is* a Constantine.
She was likely going to get bushwacked by magic sooner
or later anyway, right?
I don't know whether to curse you, or beg you to continue
with this story.
All I know is that, right now, I think I'll leave the
lights on when I go to be tonight.
--
The Apprentice:
Student of the Dark Side. Keeper of the Vlad `Assassins are
People Too!' Taltos shrine. Wage slave at the J-C Corporation.
Darkness is the true state of the Universe. It existed before the
Light came. It will exist after the Light is gone.