<SNIP> (no need to repeat what I wrote, I think ^_~)

        Corvus goes on to explain that this example of writing
        is unusualy purple, and makes a really good point about
        using a  rusty rake as something that we all might have
        done, so it makes a good focal point.

I was feeling a little wordy yesterday, decided to flex my vocabulay
just a very little bit.  Normally it would have come out quite
differently.

        The very purpleness of the above paragraph, and the fact
        that it's really not part of a story that someone has
        poured their heart into makes it a good candidate for
        for some heavy duty C&C.

Hee hee!  Sure does.

        My apologies to Corvus, but I do think it's way too purple,

Why apologize?

        but it also contains some of the stuff of great writing...

*blush*  Why, thank you.

        --- First, the details:

Details, details... wait, that's why I'm on this list! ^_^

        'slightly rusted' doesn't work for me, "rusting" is
        more active, and does not imply that the process has
        stopped.

Very true, and when I read the sentence aloud with the "rusting" gerund
(I think it's a gerund, it's been so long since I've even *used* that
word... almost 8 years now?) instead of the way I phrased it, it flowed
much more smoothly.

        'old yard rake'; "old" is redundant from the rusting,
        and "yard" comes up when Ranma calls to Akane

Again, true.

        'expertise', well Ranma is not an expert at raking
        and a rake does not become expert at anything.

My intention with that part of the paragraph was to give the rake a
"life of its own", somewhat personifying it.  An old, well-used rake
would be familiar with its duty.

        'crackling brown wave' -That's good. _Really_ good.
        I like it since raked leaves do remind me of water
        waves. I might not use that direct analogy
        though, but an indirect one by using a water related
        verb (Such as 'lapping') to describe the leaves.
        I'm a firm believer in making the reader do a little
        work whe the read, using a water related verb
        sends that thought into their minds so that they
        can think about (re-experience) the times they've
        had water lapping against their legs, and then they
        integrate that personal experience into the story.
        This is a really good way to add the reader's
        senses into the story.

Over the past few months I've been trying to do more work "appealing to
the senses", i.e. giving examples of touch, taste, and smell as well as
sight and hearing.  I'm also guilty of analogies and allusions, such as
here.

        'black-haired'- Not needed here in the beginning.

I wasn't sure if this was an opening paragraph or not.  Giving one of
Ranma's traits, here physical, instead of simply his name was a
technique a friend of mine showed me to prevent pages full of "Ranma"
"Akane" "Ranma" "Akane" "Ranma" "Akane" etc., and I felt it was
appropriate here.

        'weilded the implement'- Aiya! Do you really talk
        that? ;)

Not verbally, no, but I do write like that.  In addition to such things
as personifying the rake, I was attempting to "set a mood" that could
then, with typical Ranma 1/2 humor, be completely and jarringly
shattered. ^_^
 

        'dripping brow' - Sorry, its not that warm, and
        a sweaty Ranma would make the upcoming actions
        less pleasant.

Am I the only one who sweats when doing yardwork? ^_^  It might be
superfluous, yes.  Of course, I had *no* idea what was going to
happen--though, if it's what it *sounds* like, Ranma getting a bath
might actually give a good setup.

        'dark eyes' Not needed here.

Maybe not needed, but certainly not out of place.  Ranma's eyes *are*
dark.

        'leaf-strewn'- It had better not be, they just raked
        it. 'strewn' also carries a feeling of having been
        spread there, rather than having fallen there.

Nothing was stated as to how much time they'd spent raking, though in
contrast to a sweating Ranma, it might be a contradiction.  Then again,
with no more details on the situation, nothing's to say they hadn't been
working at other things, or that the yard isn't *huge*.

        'fellow worker' - not needed.

Again, why not?

        'To the young woman he asked'  - Starts with a
        preposition, the 'young' is not needed, and
        'asks' implys a close proximity, yet she's
        across the yard.

It begins with a preposition, but this isn't 9th grade English--look how
many bestselling authors begin sentences with "And".  It's a style,
gramatically incorrect to be sure, but I don't think I'd get 20 to life
for it.  Er... I *hope* ::nervously looking over his shoulder::

        'mild exasperation' - I would try to show
        that exasperation in the words she says
        themselves, rather than in the description.
        There are many times you might use
        "mild exasperation" in a story, for example
        when there is no story relating to that
        character just before, or just after
        the exasperated utterance.

The words Akane uses can have a multitude of tones; I felt it was
prudent to specify.

        -- Now the higher level stuff.

Break out the oxygen masks!  J/K ^_~  I'm enjoying this so far.

        I like the idea of adding the rust to the rake.
        I wouldn't go into detail on it for "Autumn"
        because the rake isn't that important to the
        story, but you're right, finding a shared
        experience with the reader is a terrific way
        to draw them into the story. (works with the
        wave of leaves, too)

That was an unexpected bonus.  As I said before, I was shooting for the
"appeal to the senses" and personifying the rake just a bit.
 

        I think you've put too much into the first
        paragraph. I can't imagine reading a story that
        carries that much detail all the way through.

I'm usually guilty of the too-little-to-no-detail crime.  With the use
of physical traits when addressing one character or another, it helps to
describe the character without resorting to the "biographical paragraph"
that I often find (and use, to my chagrin), it sets mood and tone, and I
guess it's a style.  Now, depending on what the story is *about*, it
might be completely inappropriate, but then again it might not.

        Detail is a funny thing, not enough and you can't
        feel like you're there, too much and there's
        no reason to transport yourself there, since
        everything is handed to you.

Making the reader think is a very good thing, but you can't make them
work for everything or he/she will quit; however, I agree with you
wholeheartedly on your point.

        That much detail can also obfuscate the subject
        of the paragraph. Was it about leaves? the rake?
        The brown hair? The dark eyes? All of those things
        belong in the story, but I prefer to spread them
        out a bit, mention the dark hair because he's
        pushing it out of his eyes, Mention the eyes
        because she's looking at them.

The paragraph's "subject" is the opening of the story, what's happening,
who's there and various other things.  It might be better broken up into
several paragraphs.

        Another trick is to spread the description amongst
        a set of paragraphs or sentances, so that they
        interlock with each other.

Bingo.  But the call was for one paragraph, at least the way I read it. 
Just my interpretation, mind you ^_^

--Corvus, who's terribly excited that someone noticed!