Ranma Monogatari
by Bridget Engman

based on characters created by Rumiko Takahashi
and on the Heian works "Genji Monogatari" and "Torikaebaya
Monogatari," plus whatever else I felt like using.

"Tell me how long until I get it right?"
                            --Indigo Girls, "Galileo"

Part 1

     "Now, in this particular situation, we see that the author
has used the agglutinative subsidiary verb _mu_ to indicate the
speculative and desidatory nature of the action.  That auxiliary
verb has then been changed to the _rentaikei_ to facilitate its
attachment to the noun which follows.  The implications of this
structure are indeed profound, especially when one considers the
different effect that might have been achieved had the author
instead chosen to use the auxiliary _ru_ or _nu_, or perhaps some
combination thereof..." (1)
     Ranma glanced up briefly from the manga he was reading to
ascertain that a) the teacher had not yet moved on to the second
sentence of the Tale of Genji, and b) said teacher had also not
noticed his inattention.  He could not suppress a snort of
disgust. Classical Japanese had its uses, all right -- there were
always scrolls of martial arts techniques to decipher and battle
epics to read (though Kuno's endless quoting had spoiled his
taste for some of those), and even some of the joruri plays (2)
were good and gory -- but Ranma would rather be doing almost
anything than reading the Tale of Genji, which was really nothing
but a stupidly long soap opera about a stupidly wimpy guy and his
zillions of stupidly depressing and complicated love affairs. (3) 
If there was anything in the world Ranma needed to hear less
about, it was complicated love affairs.
     Akane, he could see out of the corner of his eye, was trying
to pay attention, but her eyes were beginning to get the glazed
look of a mind fleeing from harsh reality.  Ranma coughed to get
her attention and then yawned dramatically.  Akane glared back
and pointedly turned to the teacher.  Coughing again, Ranma made
another face, waggling his eyebrows.  Akane couldn't help but
giggle.
     She laughed harder when an eraser flew unerringly from the
teacher's hand into Ranma's face, sending a cloud of chalkdust
into the air.  "Saotome, if you're not going to bother paying
attention, go stand in the hall!"  the teacher barked, his gaze
sliding terribly to Akane.  "Miss Tendo, since you find it so
funny, why don't you join your *fiance*."  Her laughter died out
at that, and she sent Ranma a look that promised hell.

     The hall, like the halls of all the other high schools in
Japan, wasn't a particularly cheerful place at the best of times;
plain linoleum tiles, rows of lockers, and fluorescent lighting
combined with an unimaginative monochromatic color scheme to
create a blankly oppressive atmosphere that made students
positively *yearn* to be in class rather than loiter in the hall.
(4)  Ranma in particular had very few happy memories of that
hallway, mostly because he tended to see it when he was being
punished.  The true punishment wasn't missing class; he couldn't
care less.  Nor was it the dragging weight of the buckets he had
to hold; he was strong enough to hold those almost indefinitely,
if not comfortably, and if he got too bored he could always do
bicep curls.  No, it was the fact that those selfsame buckets
were usually filled with cold water.  Ranma knew quite well that
if there was any cold water within a three-mile radius, it would
inevitably end up splashed on him. (5)
     Luckily for Ranma, water was not currently a problem.  What
*was* a problem was the way in which the water had vanished. 
Akane, standing not two feet away from him, was exuding an aura
of pure, white-hot fury.  Already the water had evaporated,and
the hallway had gotten a bit muggy. (6)  Ranma's relief at his
relative safety from femininity was squelched by his dread of the
explosion he knew would come.
     Of course, it didn't hurt to look on the bright side of
things.  At least this way he wouldn't have to eat the lunch
Akane had fixed him, he thought.  Or thought he thought. 
Unfortunately, he never had quite realized that his mouth had a
nasty grudge against him (7) and tended to repeat aloud any
thought that might get him in trouble.  He realized his mistake
when Akane smashed her empty buckets into his head.  After that,
of course, he didn't think much at all.

---

     He stood beneath a cherry tree in the midst of an arbor in
full bloom; the heady scent of the cherry blossoms enveloped him
like a warm bath, while all about him flower petals fell like
snow.  Acting on some instinct, he turned and saw her.
     Her back faced him, shoulder-length hair gently brushing the
collar of her robe and parting slightly to reveal a glimpse of
the nape of her neck.  He must have made some sound, for she
lifted her head and gazed at him straightforwardly.  A wry smile
touched her lips.
     "You are so like him, and yet so different," she said in a
low voice.  "Of course, in a way, you and he are one -- but he
cannot help me now, and perhaps you can.  In a way, it is already
too late for me -- but when I look at you, I am filled with hope. 
Perhaps yours is the time things will go right for us."
     "What do you mean?"  Ranma was confused, and a bit worried. 
But she simply smiled again, turning away.
     "There is nothing more I can tell you, except that you must
discover the rest on your own.  You are the only hope I have." 
She began to walk away.  Ranma tried to follow her, but the
branches of the cherry tree had entangled him, and he could not
move.  He struggled frantically as she vanished into the veil of
falling blossoms, but all he could do was cry out her name.
     "Akane!!"
     He started awake, panting heavily as his eyes slowly
adjusted to the dark room. That had been a weird dream.  It had
almost seemed real.  But why would Akane need his help?  And who
was the "he" she had mentioned?  A momentary twinge of something
that he knew could not possibly by any stretch of the imagination
be called jealousy went through him like a scalpel.  Ranma closed
his eyes for a moment, then suddenly blinked them open and looked
around.  Something was wrong.  He was sleeping on the floor --
okay, he always slept on the floor.  He was wearing more clothes
than he usually did -- well, given how he'd lost consciousness,
someone else must have put him to bed.  Though it was odd that he
was wearing what felt like... silk?  He narrowed his eyes in
fury.  Nabiki must have been taking more pictures to sell to
Kuno. Strangely, though, he was still in his male form; maybe she
was planning on selling them to Kodachi instead.  Genma didn't
seem to be present, at least not in panda form, but that too was
not unusual; he often slipped down to the kitchen to sneak
leftovers.  So what was wrong?
     His eyes were adjusted to the darkness by now, though it
seemed all the lights in Nerima must have gone out; there was no
illumination but that of the moon, which mistily shone through
the open window, bathing the screens, the covers, the girl lying
next to him...
     Wait.  Girl.
     She was curled on her side, long dark hair obscuring her
face and trailing off into the shadows.  She was wearing a robe
similar to his own clothing, and she was covered by another robe
that, Ranma noticed in growing shock, had also covered him a
moment before.  She stirred sleepily, stretching like a cat and
snuggling closer.
     Only one girl he knew had the nerve to sneak into his bed. 
He angrily leaned over and shook her shoulder.
     "Oi, Shampoo!  Wake up, already!"
     The girl groggily pushed herself up to her knees, raising
her face to glare at him suspiciously.
     "What -- or should I say *who* -- is Shampoo?"
     Ranma stared at her, ignoring her question completely.  It
was Akane's face -- but the hair!  Why on earth was she wearing a
wig?  This baffled him so much that he couldn't stop staring,
though he failed to notice the way in which the girl started to
glow. She grabbed the front of his robe and pulled him so his
nose brushed hers and their eyes were inches apart.
     "WHO IS SHAMPOO?" she growled.  Ranma suddenly came to grips
with his imminent danger and desperately tried to talk his way
out of it.
     "Well, uh... Akane, it's like this..." he began, then caught
himself.  "Wait a minute, you know Shampoo, Akane!  She's that
girl from..."
     "And just who is Akane?" she shrieked in fury.  Ranma looked
at her uncomprehendingly.
     "Uh... you are?"  The girl suddenly grew very still.  Ranma
heaved a sigh of relief before he realized that she was still not
because she had accepted his answer but because she was too
furious to move.  He leaned in closer. "Akane?"  Slowly she
raised her head.
     "I am *AOI*," she said, ice coating each word. "Your *wife*
Aoi."  Ranma gaped in shock as she continued.  "And *YOU* are
nothing but a worthless philanderer!"  With a single movement she
brought her extradimensional hammer (8) down on his head, sending
him back to oblivion.
     As the hammer came down, though, Ranma noticed something
that would have sent him into a faint in any case.
     Aka... Aoi, his *wife*, was indisputably pregnant.

END PART 1

NOTES:
(1) This is, of course, just technobabble.  Or bungobabble, if
you want to get technical. The Tale of Genji was not consulted in
writing this paragraph, so don't go trying to figure out which
phrase I'm talking about.  God knows if Classical Japanese is
actually taught this way in high schools, but I thought this
method fit in with the Ranma 1/2... idiom.

(2)Joruri are plays written for the puppet theater that
flourished in Japan during the Edo period.  And yes, they can be
quite graphic -- great for vocabulary enrichment!

(3) In Ranma's mind, of course, not the mind of the author :)

(4) I made this up, too.  I have never been in a Japanese high
school.  So sue me.

(5) The First Law of Ranma Physics

(6) After Ranma started attending classes, Furinkan High School's
heating bill in the winter dropped drastically due to Akane. 
Unfortunately, whenever it was hot, the air-conditioning bill
went through the roof as often as Ranma did.  They eventually
solved the problem by not bothering to air-condition at all, a
technique used by many universities in the United States.

(7) Possibly due to the vast amount of Akane's cooking it was
forced to handle.

(8) It is a little-known fact that extradimensional hammers were,
in fact, in use during the Heian Period. Unfortunately, one
rarely finds illustrations of women with extradimendional hammers
in the Yamato-E tradition.  Perhaps because the artists were
mostly men, and they (with good reason) quaked with fear at the
very concept.