This writing was done for the express purpose of entertainment, and
is not meant as a personal attack on the original author(s) in any
way.
IT'S ALL DONE IN FUN, FOLKS!
j_kun@lni.net
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the not too far-off future,
Tokyo, Japan, A.D.,
There was a guy named Josh,
not too indifferent to you or me.
He worked for Toshiba Emi Enterprise,
where he was kidnapped by some evil manga guys,
they did not like the spam threads he undertakes,
so they strapped him a Valkyrie and shot him into space!
BAAAAKKKKKAAAA!!!
We'll net him anime fanfics,
the worst we can find, (la la la)
He'll have to read each one carefully,
just so he won't blow his mind! (la la la)
Not don't forget that Josh can't choose when the stories begin or
end, (la la la)
But maybe he'll get through all of this with the help of
his ANIME FRIENDS!
AN-I-ME ROLL-CALL!
Nene!
(Cute hacker!)
Kyosuke!
(Psychic dude!)
Are you sick yet? (You bet!)
Oooooohhhhh!
If you're wondering how they can stand this crap,
with that tiny little server space, (la la la)
just repeat to yourself "it's just a 'fic,
now shut-up and keep your place!"
For Bad Anime Fanfic Theater 3000!
----------------------<cut here!>------------------------------
[Kyosuke & Nene are playing Ani-Mayhem]
Kyosuke: [lays down his cards on the table] Ok, I'm scavenging the
Stadium...
[puts arms behind head] So, what did Priss say then?
Nene: [picks up a card, and puts it in her pile] Well, THEN...she
went on to say that I could stand to lose a few pounds...the
NERVE! I then proceeded to beat her senseless with my computer
terminal. Sylia suggested I take the day off.
Kyosuke: [sarcastic] Wow. Tough. [changes topic] Are you done
beating ME senseless with your stories, or can I go do
something else?
Nene: [sticks out her tongue; notices the camera] Oh, hi everyone!
Welcome to the Cellulite of Load! I'm the beautiful, extremely
intelligent, genius wunderkind, Nene Romanova!
[Remembers; motions toward Kyosuke] Oh, and this bonehead
is Kyosuke Kasuga...sort of.
Kyosuke: [eyes narrow] Watch it, "chubby".
Nene: [eyes widen; fang shows in corner of mouth] Grrr...
Kyosuke: [gives an 'oops' look] Ahh...just kiddin'!
Josh: [Enters Stage Right] Hey, guys. Who's winning?
Kyosuke: [sighs] Need you ask, fan-boy?
Josh: Anyway, how'd you guys ever figure out how the hell
to play this game? I've always thought that, no matter how
one tries, you'll never understand the rules even if they
bit you on the butt and gave you a deadly fungus.
Nene: [Brightens her mood] Ah-ha! Glad you asked, my friend!
You see, after careful analysis of the original rule
system, I devised my own simple, yet fun paradigm for play.
Josh: Really? How does your version play out?
Nene: Well, here's the rule sheet. [hands it to Josh] I've
guaranteed that even a child of 5 can easily understand
them!
Josh: [studies the sheet] Wait a minute...this looks like you
just slightly modified and slapped together "Old Maid",
"Go Fish", and "Mummy Yum Yum"! [continues to study it]
With a slight dash of "Magic: The Gathering"!
Nene: Well, I never said they would be completely ORIGINAL, now did I?
I just guaranteed--
Josh: [completing her sentence] --that even a child of 5 can easily
understand them. Of course...
(Commercial Sign flashes)
Josh: [looks up from the rules] We'll be right back. [slaps the
light; looks back to rules] ...and you proclaimed RYOUGA
the Ace of Hearts?!
Nene: [gets 'hearts' in eyes] Yeah, so? He's so KAWAII!!
Kyosuke: Nene, you got a five of Jinnai?
Nene: [looks through cards] Nope. Go Otaku!
(Commercial Break; Burger King; Anime Friends Psychic Network commercials
that obviously have to insult you to get you to call; other miscellaneous
spewball ads that are getting real old)
[The bridge is cleaned up now; everyone is standing at the desk.
Josh is looking over the rest of the rules.]
Nene: [explaining]....AND, if you connect 4 P-chans' in a row, you
get to pass Go-ku, and collect 200 Galaxy Destroyers!
Josh: Nene, these rules are more complicated than the original!
[The lights on the bridge start to fade in and out with an electrical
humming sound]
All: Huh? [looks up]
Josh: --the hell?
Nene: Brownouts?
Kyosuke: Did we forget to pay the bills again?
[The Manga Mads light flashes]
Josh: I don't know, but let's see if Lawson & Trotter have something
to do with this. [taps the light]
(Creep 13)
[The lab has...well, it's undergone a change...It looks much highly
advanced than Dr. Macek's equipment and the design is sleeker, more
streamlined]
[Out of nowhere, a familar crab/red haired little girl appears on
the screen; It's Washu from Tenchi Muyo!. She wears a pair of those
rectangular spectacles.]
Washu: [waves] Hi there, kiddos!
(C.O.L.)
All: YAAAAH!!!
Kyosuke: Who--?!
Nene: What--?!
Josh: Where--?!!
Nene: When--?!!
Kyosuke: And sometimes, Why--?!
Josh: Umm, excuse me..little girl...What are YOU doing there?!
Where's Dr. M?
Kyosuke: ...and Frank?!
(Creep 13)
Washu: [backs up from the screen; she's wearing a white lab coat]
Yes, well...Carl had to attend a FFML convention in Las Vegas. He
asked me to take over his experiments until then! [writes something
down on a clipboard] I thought it would be interesting to see the
effects of mental pain rather than physical....and that Masaki kid
managed to outrun me, so...
(C.O.L.)
[Everyone is dressed like school kids in neat little uniforms;
Kyosuke has a beanie on; Nene places a big red apple on the desk]
Nene: [cute face & voice] Hello, sensei! Us good little kids won't do
you any harm! Please don't send us any mean ol' fanfic! We'll be
EXTRA GOOD! ^_^
Kyosuke: [spinning the propeller; quietly] Wish we kept our 'begging
wardrobe' more in fashion.
Josh: [looks humilated; hand over face] Who's idea was this again?
(Creep 13)
Washu: [smiles] Sorry, kiddies. You can't fool THIS substitute teacher.
BWAAHAHAHAHAAHAHA----[ad nauseum]
????: Oh, my! Where am I NOW?
Washu: [pauses; looks over to her left...] --hahah--huh?
[Camera pans over Washu's shoulder; a blonde beach-babe-type
young woman with long ears, khaki pants and a pink tanktop is
looking all around in confusion.]
Mihoshi: [biting fingernail] Ohh! This doesn't look like the kitchen!
Washu: How'd YOU get in here?!
Mihoshi: Umm, I used the door?
Washu: [facefaults] Well, at least I could use some help. [points
to a spot on the floor] Stand there. Don't move from that spot.
Mihoshi: [complies] Yes, ma'am!
Washu: [faces the camera] Well, my three little goblins, your
assignment today was actually donated by an aspiring writer who's
trying to start their own series! It's a Ranma 1/2 'fic called,
"Here's Uma!" [cute face] ENJOY! [to Mihoshi] Pull the lever,
Mihoshi!
Mihoshi: [panicky] How am I supposed to reach it when you told me not
to move?!!
Washu: [sweatdrop] ....
[C.O.L.]
[sirens & klaxons & lights...oh my!]
ALL: FANFIC SIGN!!
(T, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1)
-------------<clip here>---------------------------------------------
Josh: NO, Nene, I will NOT carry you into the theater.
Nene: But, that robot on TV--
Josh [cuts her off]: Yeah, but this is real life. You can WALK.
Nene: Hmmph!
[they all sit]
___________________________________________________
Here's Uma: The Interview (promo).
Nene: [Lisa Marie] For the last time, Michael and I DO have a sex life!
Josh: 'Must Shriek TV'.
by Stanley "Quartzite" Teriaca.
Nene: And 'reviewed' by: Nene "Uranium" Romanova
Kyosuke: Kasuga "Plagioclaste" Kyosuke!
Josh: ...and Josh "Shaddup, we get the joke already!" Seames!
All characters involved are either copyrighted Rumiko Takahashi, or
are created by myself. No profit has been made, so do not sue me.
All: Lawsuit! Lawsuit!
Comments? E-Mail to (teriaca@omnifest.uwm.edu) or through the Fanfic
Mailing List (fanfic@fanfic.com)
Josh: In short, if you want to flame him privately, E-mail him. If you
want to flame him publically, go for the ML!
Nene: Hush. We haven't even read it yet.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(We enter a room where a nice looking older man is seated. Next to him is
a young girl with straight black hair, a red blouse, and a black skirt.
Next to her is a boy in a yellow shirt with the kanji for "Hibiki Pig
Farm" on it, and black pants. The boy looks uneasy.)
Kyosuke: Stomach cramps? Indigestion? Try Tums.
Interviewer: Welcome. We are proud to present an interview with the stars
of the new fanfic series called Here's Uma. So, without further ado,
here's Saotome Uma...
Josh: "Much Ado about Uma".
Kyosuke: [quietly, as David Letterman] Uma, Oprah, Uma...
Nene: [as Uma] My name is Uma and...I'm...I'm a Sake-holic!
All: Hi Uma!
Uma (the girl in the red blouse): Hello.
Interviewer: And Hibiki Butaga.
Josh: [dryly; singing] BU-taga. BUH-taga. Let's call the whole thing
off...
Butaga (obviously the boy)
Kyosuke: Obviously...
(*taps the mike pinned to him*): Um, is this thing on?
Uma: Don't worry, koibito, we are only going to be talked to by one
person. [1]
Josh: Yet scorned by many.
Butaga: But we will be read by everyone. Do you know how many people
read the Fanfiction Mailing List?
Nene: You mean besides the ones who don't read all the spam?
Kyosuke: So, that narrows it down to what? Six people?
Josh: Nuh-uh. Anyone doing spam gets drawn and quartered by
Tybalt.
Uma: Don't forget rec.arts.anime.creative also.
Nene: Not to mention...<ahem>..us.
All: [maniacal evil laughter] Bwahahahahahahaha!!!!
(Butaga faints)
Josh: Oops, we scared him.
Interviewer: Will he be fine?
Uma: Don't worry. Since he is a country boy, he is not used to being in
front of so many people. He will be fine.
Josh: [interviewer] That's what I asked! Geez...a simple YES would have
been fine!
Interviewer: Let us begin. So, Uma-chan (is it ok to call you Uma-chan?),
it says in my notes that your parents are Saotome Ranma and Saotome Akane,
right?
Uma: Yep.
Interviewer: So, who is this girl in the photo with your mother?
Nene: [Uma whispering; pissed] "Hey! I thought we had a deal! The
negatives for one great night!!"
Uma: My father.
Interviewer: Is it? If it is, he must be a professional transvestite,
for I was convinced that he was a woman.
Josh: Strange enough for a man, but made for a woman.
Uma: Um, my father IS a woman, sometimes...
Interviewer: Sometimes?
Nene: [Uma] Go read a "Oscar". It'll change you life.
Uma: The Jusenkyo Curse. It is a long story. Much too long for the
interview time.
Kyosuke: Oh, I dunno. Short ver: Cold water = Girl Hot water = Boy
Interviewer: So, is there anything else we should know about you?
Uma: They say I inherited my father's stubbornness, my mother's anger, and
my grandfather's love for food.
Josh: Your grandfather also had a habit of screwing people over...did
you inherit THAT too?
But, if there's one trait I would love people to remember me by, I would
pick my romantic heart.
Kyosuke: [as Uma]...but never my nose.
Josh: Is she filling out a dating service form?
Nene: [as Uma] ...I like long walks along the beach, and live-weasel
wrestling...
Interviewer: It says here that your father knows martial arts. Do you know
martial arts as well?
Kyosuke: Never met him! Ha! [comedy rim-shot]
J&N: Groan...
Uma: No. But I do know bugei. Saotome Rei Nandemo Bugei. [2]
Nene: Ok, now everyone RUN to the glossary at the end...
Kyosuke: [runs to the glossary] Huf*puf Huf*puf...ok, got it. [runs back]
Interviewer: I thought it was the Saotome School of Indiscriminate
Grappling?
Uma (sweat drops): Um, yeah, well, it still is. But it is just too much
to say.
Josh: Oh, and "Saotome Rei Nandemo Bugei" isn't?
Why did pop choose that name in the first place?
Nene: Could have been worse. Happosai could have named it,
"The Saotome School of Inappropiate Glomping."
(Butaga wakes up, and starts to leave)
Kyosuke: Good idea! [looks at N&K] Guys?
Josh: Stay put, Nostradamus.
Interviewer: Where are YOU going?
Butaga: Well, since you're busy interviewing Uma-chan, I thought I could
wait outside.
Interviewer: I have to talk to you also. You ARE her boyfriend.
Kyosuke: [as Butaga] Am not! Am not!
Butaga: Not by my choice.
Uma (angrily): Your choice? Ha! I picked you, and you are stuck with me,
lover.
Josh: Women's lib is really going too far.
Butaga: Well, it didn't help that your old man and my old man got
together and decided to get us engaged when we were born.
Uma: You can't fight fate.
Josh: Yeah, Fate has a hell of a right swing.
Butaga: Your father brought the sake. Not mine.
Interviewer: Amazing how salmon can make people forget.
Kyosuke: Especially when you smell dead fish. No one wants to
remember that.
Uma: Especially when followed by rice wine. [3]
Butaga: I'm leaving.
Kyosuke: [gets up] Good id--
Josh: [forces K back down]
Interviewer: But won't you get lost?
Butaga: I'm not my father.
Josh: [Darth] "Luke, I'm NOT your father!"
Besides, he cured the Hibiki Bloodline Curse before I was born. (looks
at Uma) I just wish he would have hitched me up with a cute girl instead
of you.
Kyosuke: And which point, Akane pulled out her mallet and screamed,
"Ranma No Ba--"...oh, wait a minute. Wrong people.
(Uma picks up a table, and clobbers Butaga)
Kyosuke: Dryly, Genma said, "Now THAT he had com--"
Nene: [hits Kyosuke] Stop that!
Interviewer (recovering from that display of violence): Well, we are
out of time. Tune in tomorrow when we will have on Takahashi Rumiko,
and The Brothers Brothers.
Josh: "The Brothers Brothers! A wacky new comedy on the WB!"
Thank you, and keep safe.
Kyosuke: G'nite, and God Bless..
Josh: Music crescendos, fade to black, fire the writers.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[1]: koibito = lover, darling, or boy/girlfriend.
[2]: Bugai is Japanese for Martial Arts, if you did not know.
Kyosuke: Wow. This 'fic educates as WELL as entertains!
Josh: I've studied Japanese for a year, and I've never learned these!
Now I know the true Japanese is learned in semi-bad fanfics!
[3]: Salmon and Rice Wine is both known as Sake (although with different
kanji, they're both romanized the same). Coincidence? I think not.
Nene: "YOU be the judge!"
Suddenly, a shape appears and taps Stan on the shoulder. Stan looks,
and Uma appears.
Nene: Wow! Magic!
Uma: Um, Stan-kun, you better get busy and start writing the first Here's
Uma fanfic, or else.
Stan: Right away.
Josh: Oh, wow. He's talking to a fictional character, just like on my
late night writing binges...man...those were fun nights...but then
I ran out of Coke, and...why, why, WHY, wHy?!!!!
Kyosuke: Uhh...Josh? Are you ok?
Nene: I think he's spaced out again. Nothing major.
Josh: [eyes swirling] Gurgle...
______________________________________________________________
Here's Uma, Episode 1.
By Stanley "Quartzite" Teriaca.
Special Thanks to Gary Kleppe for spell-checking, and the FFML for
giving me some info.
Kyosuke: Thank you Gary Kleppe and the FFML for teaching us to to love
and laugh and spell check life again.
Domo Aragoto.
Note: Saotome Uma and Hibiki Butaga copyrighted, me, 1996. All other
characters copyrighted Takahashi Rumiko, used without permission. I am not
making money off this, so don't sue.
Kyosuke: Wait...didn't we already do this?
Josh: I have the strangest feeling Ted Hsu is going to jump out of the
screen and tackle me.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Any comments? EMail them to teriaca@omnifest.com .)
Opening Theme: Mugamuchu No Kokoro, by Shin-Doko.
Josh: [gets up, takes Nene's hand and they dance in front of the screen]
Kyosuke: Hey! I can't see! Not that that's necessarily a BAD thing...
J&N: [sit back down]
Nene: Sorry, something about the music, I guess...
Butaga (Voice Over): Enter Uma: The Romantic, Disobedient Girl.
Josh: As opposed to Uma, the booger-picking, acne infested, gang member,
chopper chick.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(We open to a country road in Japan. It is currently raining lightly.
Kyosuke: To your left you see a house. There is a mailbox here.
Nene: Eat sword.
Josh: Run into wall.
A young girl with shoulder length black hair, green blouse, black pants,
and soft-soled shoes, carrying a green duffel bag and a black umbrella,
is being chased by two females.
Josh: The Benny Hill Show!
Kyosuke: [hums theme]
They are both in their 30's.
One has shoulder length red hair, tied in a braid, and is wearing a
red blouse and black pants. The other has short black hair, a yellow blouse, and matching
pants.)
Red Haired Woman (angrily): Umasora! Come back here! We said no! [1]
Josh: Bad girl! Baaaaad!
Black Haired Woman: Your father is right. You are too young to be engaged.
Uma: You should have thought of that before you engaged me.
Nene: [as BHW] Oh, THAT again?! Are you going to throw that back into our
faces for the rest of our lives??
(Ranma (let's face it, you know who they are by now, in spite of the age)
Josh: Well, I was guessing since this is a "Ranma" fic, that they were
Bill Gates and Phoebe Cates, but now I'm not so sure...
suddenly rockets towards Uma. It looks like she will overtake
Uma, when Uma jumps over her. She slides down the road, and
crashes into a...
Josh: A bus?
Nene: A building?
Kyosuke: A cart full of Haggis?! A dead parrot? A dead CAT?
N&K: WHAT?
Kyosuke: Sorry, too many @baps in the mid 90's.
panda.
Josh: DOH!
Nene: Way to break the tension.
Akane starts to run towards Ranma, and Uma does some more jumps, and
is out of sight.)
Josh: [announcer] SHE'S AT THE 40, THE 30, THE 20! NO ONE CAN STOP
HER!
Uma (leaving): Bye-bye.
Ranma-chan (while picking herself up, and addressing the panda): Was I
ever that difficult, pop?
Genma-panda (via sign): Yes you were, Ranma my boy.
Kyosuke: [Genma] I was in labor with you for over 20 hours!
Josh: Eep.
Akane: What now?
Nene: Brown Cow?
Ranma-chan: Well, we both know where she is going, so we might as well
head towards there. (to Genma) Want to come along?
Kyosuke: C'mon, let's have an adventure, just like the Goonies!
Genma-panda: She is YOUR daughter. You discipline her. Besides (finally
getting up) your mother and I have, um, plans for tonight.
Josh: Uhhh....
Kyosuke: [laughs] Genma & Nodoka?! Haha! C'mon!
Nene: I don't think I want to know what they have [makes quotes with
hands] "planned".
Akane: Plans? That means that my father will have to visit Kasumi and
Tofu for a while.
Nene: I'm guessing this means that Soun is the jobless, slacking,
overburdening houseguest now?
Josh: He gets his revenge! YES!
Kyosuke: Wait...Soun never had a job, and pretty much let Kasumi
run the house. The only thing that's changed is the
houseguest part.
Josh: Oh, right...
(Genma-panda nods his head, then skips away.)
Ranma-chan: Lets go then.
(Ranma and Akane leave down the road. The scene changes to a farm. A
young boy with short black hair just finished something
Kyosuke: Well, OBVIOUSLY something. I mean, anything you do is
SOMETHING, so technically, picking your nose is considered
to be of the 'Something' vernacular. Furthermore--
Josh: Err, thank you, "Webster".
and enters a farm house. He is greeted by Ryouga, and a dog with half of
its fur white, and the other half black.
Of course, as is the custom, the boy removes his shoes.)
Boy: Hi pop.
Ryouga: Butaga, you're home?
Nene: No, I'm telepathically communicating with you across the great
beyond...OF COURSE I'M HOME!
Butaga: I'm not like you, you know. I don't get lost so easily.
Ryouga: Are all the chores done?
Butaga: Yes. The pigs are all fed, the fence is mended, and the wallow is
full.
Josh: So, Ryouga relocated to Hooterville?
So, pop, where are you going?
Ryouga: The bathing room.
Butaga (to the dog): Jogen, go find the bathing area for pop.
(Jogen barks, then takes off. Ryouga follows.)
Butaga (to himself): Sometimes, the way I am with animals is scary.
Nene: Forget Eddie Murphy, we've got Butaga Hibiki as Doolittle!
(Butaga walks into another room, and is greeted by Akari. She is
currently wearing a whitish dress (perhaps off white), and an apron with
little black pigs all about it, and black lettering saying "Ernk Ernk".)
Nene: Awww!! How kawaii! ^_^
Josh: [makes retching sounds]
Nene: [baps Josh] Baka...
Akari: So, are your chores done?
Butaga: Yes, mom.
Akari: Good. Now do the problems on page 250 of your math book.
Butaga: But I did that page yesterday. And it is the last page of the book.
Akari: Show me.
(Butaga runs off and shows his mom the book, and the fact that, yes, page
250 is done.)
Josh: Thank goodness they told us that. I was wondering how they were
going to advance the scene.
Akari: Darn.
Nene: Whoa! Language, Akari, language!
That means I have to order another home schooling math book
>from TN Enterprises. What was this one called?
Butaga: Algebra.
Akari: Algebra. I wish I knew a lot about that subject. It would make
grading you easier.
Josh: [Butaga] Uhh, mom, you could always try sending me to the
public school down the road--
Nene: [Akari] Nonsense! I insist on teaching you with my homespun
wisdom and knowledge! Now, go clean out the stalls!
Consider today a free day.
Josh: "Butaga Bueller's Day Off!"
K&N: (cheering) Whoooo!
Butaga: Ill be in my room. inform me when pop is out of the bathing room
(Butaga walks off).
(A knock is herd on the door, and Akari answers it. Uma steps in.)
Josh: Them's the natural order of things. Someone knocks on the
door, and someone answers it.
Nene: [as Stan] Cause and effect...cause and effect...I think I've
got it!
Uma (bowing): Is this the Hibiki Pig Farm?
Akari: Yes it is. Who are you?
Uma: Saotome Uma.
Akari (surprised): Is it that time already? Oh, forgive me. Enter and
have some tea.
Kyosuke: [speaking in monosyllables] Sit-down. Rest-your-feet.
Make-yourself-at-home.
Uma (while removing her shoes): Aragoto.
Josh: Line 500.
Nene: QBasic for Fanfic authors!
(Uma and Akari move to the kitchen, and Akari makes Uma some tea.)
Uma (sipping her tea): Um, good tea.
Josh: [makes spitting noise; as Uma] "What is this crap?!!"
Akari: I'm glade you like it.
(Jogen wanders in, followed by Ryouga. His hair shines like it was
freshly washed.)
Josh: Or freshly waxed. You can never tell with Ryouga.
Ryouga: Would you tell Butaga that his bath is ready?
Akari: Of course, dear. (to Uma) Please excuse me. (to Ryouga) This is
Uma, Ranma and Akane's daughter. (steps off screen) Butaga, your bath
is ready!
Ryouga: I could've done that. (to Uma) So, what brings you here?
Uma: My engagement to your son.
Ryouga (confused): Your (pause) Engagement (pause) To (pause) My (pause)
Son? (facefaults. After he recovers...) Who said that?
Nene: [Uma] Umm, *I* did. You heard me, didn't you?
Uma: My parents.
Ryouga (finally taking control of himself): Are you sure? I thought Ranma
wouldn't let his kids suffer like he did under all those fiances.
Nene: Err, perhaps "under" isn't the best choice of words, heh heh.
Akane: [pops up from behind the seats] I KNEW that hentai was up to
something!!! RANMA NO BAKA!! [runs out with mallet in hand]
[silence ensues for a few seconds]
Kyosuke: [sweatdrop] We really need to put a better lock on the pod
bay door.
Uma: It was my choice to come here. In fact, they tried to stop me.
Ryouga: And what will you say when they arrive for you?
Uma: I don't know. (changing the subject) Um, Hibiki-san? Can I take
a bath? I am all sweaty from running over here.
Ryouga (forgetting about Butaga):
Josh: [deadpan; eyes slit] How convenient.
Nene: Looks like that Kasumi/Bathtime virus from the first episode has
spread.
Of course. It is the first door on the right. Or is it the
second door on the left? (to Jogen) You will take Uma to the bathing room,
won't you? (Jogen barks) Just follow Jogen.
Uma (getting up): Aragoto. (follows Jogen out.)
Ryouga: Now, how do I get out of this room?
Kyosuke: Y'know, I think that bandanna has cut off so much blood to his
brain by now, I'm surprised he can find himself.
(Next we see Uma enter the bathroom, take off her clothing, and enter the
bathing room, JUST as Butaga is climbing out of the bath. Butaga looks at
Uma with surprise, while Uma returns the look with a 'come hither' look.
Butaga starts nose bleeding, and runs out of the room. Uma enters the
bath water.)
Josh: [deadpan again] Gosh. THAT seemed familiar. I wonder where I
remember it from.
Uma (addressing the 4th wall): OK. Now what? We just better go to a
commercial. I hope lover will recover by then. And I didn't even catch
his name. (sighs)
Nene: That was cute. ^_^
Josh: Well, you know my opinion. ~>P
Kyosuke: -_- zzzzZZ
Nene: You two have no taste for boyish innocence, do you?
Josh: Maybe if you described what that means?
Nene: *sigh* Morons.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Eyecatch: SD Uma, with hearts in her eyes, chases a terrified SD Butaga.
Uma trips over the logo, and cries.
Josh: Audience cheers.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Announcer:
Introducing the Tendo 640. The Ultimate gaming machine.
Where else can you play games like...
...Tic-Tac-Toe Combat...
...Aquatranssexual...
...Grimm's Combat Fairy Tails 2: Humpty Dumpty's Revenge...
...Dragon Sticks A...
...And tons of more games we have no time for. So, for the ultimate in
gaming, bug your parents for the Tendo 640.
Fine Print: Joystick, games, mouse, light gun, cartridge port, VCR tape
port, CD rom player, keyboard, cables, Ultimate Nullifier, batteries, and
power jack not included. For a full list of Tendo 640 accessories, send
10,000 yen to the address inside the Tendo 640 Starter Box. Void where
prohibited.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kyosuke: What? No 'Super Pluckyio Brothers'?
Nene: My, but that's a vague reference.
Eyecatch: SD Butaga helps SD Uma up, then Uma glomps Butaga, and a giant
heart falls onto Butaga's head
Josh: Crushing him instantly into a bloody pulp.
with the kanji saying "We've Returned".
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Uma is all dressed, and steps out of the bathroom. Butaga is also all
dressed, and is holding a cloth to his nose. Finally, his nose stops
bleeding.)
Josh: Jill, I'm going to study this for awhile...I hope this is
not CHRIS' blood...
Uma: So, what is your name?
Butaga: What is your name?
Uma: Saotome Umasora, but everyone calls me Uma.
Butaga: Hibiki Butaga.
Uma: "Pig fang". Cute.
Butaga: "Sky horse". Cute.
Kyosuke: "Butt munch." Cute.
Uma: So, why did you leave the bath?
Butaga: Because I am a gentleman, and you are a girl.
Uma: Gentlemen do not get a nosebleed over the slightest sight of flesh.
Butaga: What was that?
Uma: Oh, nothing.
Josh: Hehe.
Butaga: So, now what?
Uma: Do you agree?
Butaga: On what?
Uma: Just answer the question.
Butaga: What was the question?
All: THIRD BASE!
Uma: I will tell you later. Do you agree?
Butaga (to himself): If I say no, I will never know the question.
If I say yes, she may not let me out of it. Oh well, what do I got to
lose.
Nene: Your chastity?
Kyosuke: Your self-respect?
Josh: All that you hold dear and true to your heart?
(to Uma) Yes.
Nene: What an intelligent boy.
Josh: Hey, think about it: Ryouga and Akari.
Nene: Hmmm...
Uma (glomping Butaga): I'm so happy!
Butaga (surprised): What was that for?
Uma: You just agreed to be my future husband.
Butaga: What?!
Kyosuke: [muted trumpet sound] Waaah waaaah waawawawawawawa.
Uma (picking Butaga up and starts running): I got to tell your parents you
said yes! I got to tell my parents you said yes! I got to tell the world
you said yes!
Nene: I gotta sing!
Butaga: NO!!!
(The scene changes. Akari is cleaning a room when a knock is heard on the
door. She answers it and, enter Saotome Ranma and Akane.)
Ranma-chan: Is my daughter here?
Akari: Yes she is. Come on in. There's a tea kettle sitting on the stove.
Help yourself.
Kyosuke: [Ranma] That's nice. Somewhere a tea kettle exists. NOW
WHERE'S MY DAUGHTER?!!
(Ranma and Akane enter the kitchen, and Ranma uses the kettle to change.
Then he realizes that Ryouga is in the room, opening every door-type
thing in order to leave.)
Nene: Hope he doesn't stick his head in the oven.
Ryouga (to himself): Perhaps it is this door? (opens a cabinet door) No.
This one? (opens a pantry door) Food storage. This way? (opens the fridge)
No. (grabs an apple) Might as well. (closes the fridge door, THEN notices
Ranma and Akane) So, Saotome Ranma, what brings you to this neck of the
woods?
Kyosuke: More like, 'neck of the pigpen.'
Ranma: My daughter. She got it in her head that she is engaged to your son.
Ryouga: And who placed this thought in her head.
Ranma (angrily): It was a joke. I didn't think you would take it seriously.
Ryouga (angrily): I don't even remember saying yes, but then again, YOU were
the one who brought the sake when Butaga was born.
Josh: A drunk that can't remember what he said? No way!
Akane: So, how is P-Chan?
(Ryouga stammers. Then Akari enters the room.)
Akari: Oh. P-Chan is dead. He died a few years ago. But he did father a few
litters. In fact, one of his piglets looks exactly like him.
Akane: Fine. I am glad I entrusted P-Chan to you and Ryouga when I married.
Nene: Gee, she seemed real concerned.
Josh: That IS a bit OOC.
Ryouga (whispering to Akari): I'm dead? Since when?
Kyosuke: [Akari] Since I found out about that little side of bacon
you have in the CITY!
Akari (whispering back): Well, do you want to be dead for real when Akane
finds out you were P-Chan all these years?
Josh: Well, considering how she reacted to P-chan's death, I suspect
she'd be pretty mellow about it.
Ryouga (whispering in reply): Good choice.
(Just then, the door opens, and Uma runs in and places Butaga in front of
Ranma and Akane.)
Uma: Isn't he cute?
Nene: [Uma] Can I keep him, daddy, can I keep him?!!
Ranma: So, this is Butaga.
Butaga: I am.
Josh: IRONMAN!
(Ranma takes a glass of cold water, and pores it over Butaga. Butaga is wet,
angry, but otherwise normal.)
Kyosuke: This is Ranma's version of the turing test?
Nene: [eyebrow raised] The TURNING test, then?
Kyosuke: How'd you guess?
Nene: (groan)
Ranma: Well, no change.
Nene: [as Ryouga] Gotta stop off at the bank! I'll be right back!
Butaga: Why did you do that for?!
Josh: Why for did you do that, George?
Ranma: I have my reasons.
Uma: He said yes.
Nene: Oh, good. The boy can speak. Next.
Butaga: You never told me the question. Besides, if I knew that I was going
to get engaged to such an uncute girl, I would've said no.
(Uma throws a punch at Butaga, but Ranma grabs her fist.)
Ranma: Watch it. Uma takes after her mother.
Nene: Shouldn't that be a stage direction?...oh, sorry.
(Akane lightly jabs Ranma in the stomach.)
Josh: Ripping out his intestines!
Nene: Eww.
Ryouga: She is your child all right. Runs into my house like a wild horse
and basically makes a mess.
Nene: Hehe.
Josh: That was actually quite clever.
Ranma: Are you saying that my Uma is too good for your Butaga?
Ryouga: Are you saying that my Butaga is too good for your Uma?
Kyosuke: You got your Butaga in my Uma!
Nene: You got your Uma in my Butaga!
Josh: Guys, that sounded...just sounded SO wrong.
Both: That does it! They will be engaged, even if it kills me!
(After a small pause, Ranma and Ryouga realize that they said the same
thing, and shake on it.)
Josh: Oh, for fun!
Ryouga: Please take him to your dojo. I have tried to teach Butaga my
fighting style, but he is more interested in books than fighting. And my
skills have faded a bit since marriage.
Ranma: The married life made you soft? Can't get depressed enough for a
full Shi Shi Houkoudan?
Josh: Or a little hanky panky? Wink, wink. Know what I mean? Nudge,
nudge.
Ryouga: You got it.
Ranma (to Butaga): Pack your things. You're going to be living with us.
Ryouga (to Butaga): Don't worry, son. I will visit from time to time.
Josh: Yeah, that's what my dad said...oh, wait. He did. Never mind.
Nene: Josh, every moment with you paints an ever darkening picture for
the two of US.
Butaga (Voice Over): So, that is how it all began. I was on a wild ride from
here on in. Maybe someday me and Uma will wed happily. And maybe someday my
mom will breed pigs with bird wings.
Kyosuke: Well, I always though Akari was kind of flighty...And Ryouga IS
quite a pig. I guess she did breed one.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Butaga (Voice Over): What do you mean I have to go to public school?
What? You know the principal? Why is he spouting bad Shakespeare? Next time
on Hear's Uma: First Day Of School.
Nene: Hear's Uma! The wacky new radio drama!
If This Is School, I Hate To See Junkin.
Until next time.
Closing Theme: Hikizuru Koto Keru No Sakebigoe by Aragontie Kalmon.
Josh: Ok, it's TRANSLATE THAT UNKNOWN SONG time!
Nene: Something about dragging someone screaming and kicking to an
event...
Kyosuke: My guess would be the altar. Hehe.
Josh: Uhh, you guys are Japanese. Shouldn't you KNOW the language?!
Nene: We only know as much as the author, dear.
Josh: DOH!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[1] Umasora. Uma=horse. Sora=sky. Keeps the pun of both the Tendo and the
Saotome names. And, yes, the full first name is usually reserved when the
parents are angry at her.
NoContest time: Anyone tell me the pun behind the new Hibiki dog?
Those who answer first and correctly will get a NoPrize.
Josh: But, wait...I thought there was no contest!
Kyosuke: A NoPrize. I--WAIT A MINNIT! Stan "LEE" wrote this!
Josh: Anyway, I think a Jogen is advice or counsel. Since he's LEADING
Ryouga to the bath, he's giving a hint or something on how to get
there. There, now where's my loot?
Nene: Oh, quite a 'pun' that was.
Stan: Boy, that was long. Maybe I should take a week before doing
episode 2.
(Uma appears and mallets Stan.)
Stan (weakly): ...or maybe not...
Josh: Quick! Finish the job!
Stanley "Quartzite" Teriaca, who will, eventually do episode 2.
Josh: Hopefully in a slightly improved formula.
Kyosuke: Didn't work for Coke, but it could work for you!
Nene: I guess he was the teacher's pet in geology class.
Josh: Let's get outta here, girls and boys.
Kyosuke: Now, was that Ranma 1/2 or Urusei Yatsura? I couldn't tell...
[they leave]
-------------------------<Back to the Bridge>------------------
(1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, K)
[Josh & Kyosuke are standing at the desk]
Josh: Well, K, what did ya think?
Kyosuke: Well, I guess it was ok. Definitely not Pulitzer material, but nothing
living up to Ratliff.
Josh: (goes into lecture mode) I thought a few things were cute, but most of it
simply played on the old "Ranma 1/2"/"Urusei Yatsura" fiancee theme.
I think a little more effort could be put into bringing the two (Butaga &
Uma) together. It did have a few things to put it into fresh perspective, but
otherwise...
Kyosuke: (itches his nose) More of the same?
Josh: (nods) Hai, hai. Don't misunderstand me though. It DOES have some promise.
Kyosuke: Ah, good. Perhaps we can avoid seeing his works up here in the future
then.
Nene: [offscreen] DARLING! (she rushes on-screen and tackles Kyosuke to the
floor behind the desk)
Josh: [sweatdrops] I think she snapped.
Kyosuke: [out of sight] Umm, Nene-san...you can get offa me now...HEY! Don't touch there!
Nene: [ditto] Ahh, Butaga-kun...we can finally be together...
Josh: ^-^; Ahh...whaddya think, si--uh, ladies?
[Creep 13]
Washu: [taking down notes] Heh heh. I knew if I upped the polarity on the brain washing
intensity I'd make ONE of you snap! Carl would be proud!
[C.O.L.]
Josh: [sweatdrops] Ano...WOULD be proud?
[Creep 13]
Washu: [somber] Yep. Dr. Macek and his assistant died of wounds afflicted by
conventioners at the FFML con. [face brightens up] Looks like we're stuck
together! BWAHAHAHAAHA!
Mihoshi: [off-screen] I've finished sweeping up the stuff from the broken machine, Washu.
Washu: That's Washu-CHAN! And next time, listen to me when I tell you to STAND still!
[back to the camera] Until next time, kiddos! [winks]
[an explosion occurs off-screen]
KRAKA-TOOM!!!!!
Washu: [turns toward the sound] AAAA!! YOU IDIOT! [slams the button
before running toward the debris]
<Zap!> <blink!>
Mihoshi: [crying] I--I'm SOORRRRYYY!!!! WAAAAHHH!!!
-------------------<cut here!>-------------------------------------
Well, that's that. My thanks go out to the original MST3K and the
Hou Bang for inspiring me. Thanks also go out to Michael Surbrook
for inspiration. May the '5' live on!
To Reader> And that's it.
If you enjoyed this title, you can find these related groups who C&C
anime fanfics at your local library...err, Anime C&C Web site:
1. Anything MiSTed by Mike Surbrook.
2. "Magical Girl Fanfic Theater" by Peter L. Ward (I think they C&C each
other more than anything, but still good. Poor, hopeless Natsumi!)
3. "Mystery Fanfic Commentary Theatre 3000" by John Walter Biles (latest
ones have been hilarious)
4. "The Institut Rats" by Mike Loader and Mad Wombat Ent. Fnord. (These
are pretty good, but so few! Love the accents built into the text!)
5. "Sebastian" by Sebastian (Not too bad. They show promise. Need to see
more.)
6. "Windir, Frito, and Lyra" by Travis Butler (The characters work so well
together! It's pretty damn funny, too.)
------------------------------------------------
Leave all comments, suggestions, or complaints at E-Mail address:
j_kun@lni.net
LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO: RANMA 1/2 and all characters
involved in the said series were created by Takahashi Rumiko.
"Umasora Saotome" is the intellectual property of Stanley Teriaca.
Nene is from Bubblegum Crisis & Crash and is (c) Copyright of
Artmic/Youmex Productions. Kyosuke is from Kimagure Orange
Road and I have NO idea where he belongs, perhaps Animeigo?
Copyright Notice and such crap:
This work is 50% original, and 50% satire. Any
references to persons, ghosts, spirits or animes, is
totally intended, (except when we're talking real
people. In that case it isn't intended except in
cases of satire.) Thanks go to Takahashi Rumiko,
Hou Bang, and all the fun-loving Anime's of the
world. Oh, and you, the reader! Thank you most of all!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
To Nene's & Kyosuke's kin and friends: They won't be home
for dinner tonight. Trust me on this.
About the author and character Josh-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
In his spare time, Josh like to watch anime, read manga,
eat ramen, eat pepper steak, eat, write, draw, and
make snappy comments about people's obvious fashion
fau paux. Give him crap and he'll sue you for all you're worth.
(Well, maybe 50% of what you're worth, he's not greedy.)
A nerdy otaku, but, hey! What ya gonna do? [shrug]
About the Character Nene Romanova-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-
Retired from the Knight Sabers and AD police business, she
spends all her time with Josh and Kyosuke (hell, she has no
choice!) reading to them at bedtime, tucking in their covers,
eating all the food in Cellulite of Load, while keeping Josh
& Kyosuke in line. She a good computer hacker, and
manages to bring a sparkle of Kawaii-ness to the group.
Cute red-head.
About the Character Kyosuke Kasuga-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=
Kyosuke spends his time reading his friends' minds, annoying
Nene, writing letters to Earth and getting them returned because
he has no stamps, annoying the Manga-Mads, acting totally
unlike his character, annoying Josh, constantly yelling out the
name 'Ayukawa' at the most inappropriate times (like at the
dinner table or on the crapper), did I mention annoying
someone? Loves to read GOOD FANFIC.
About the Manga-Mads- Who Cares? They're evil and that's it.
PHASE OUT!
-----------------------------------------------
Copyright (c)1998 Josh-desu Productions
UKYOU: "So now...(Slightly Yiddish tone)..eat, eat, you're a
growing boy!"