I have two questions/requests, and I thought I'd tag them here since I
didn't want to spam the list.  They relate to the later chapters of the
story.  Please reply by private e-mail, don't spam the list.  ^_^

1.  Do Nabiki's friends (the girls who aid in her plots) have names?  If
so, what are they, and if not, do you have any suggestions?

2.  Cologne has always seemed civil enough to Kasumi.  If Kasumi
asked her a favor, what, if anything, do you suppose Cologne might
want from Kasumi in return?  ^_^

Expect Part Four by Sunday or Monday!

On to part three!

Monkey Head Butting!
m a davis/miko  belldandy@angelic.com
http://www.fortunecity.com/tatooine/pratchett/199/

This story will be at least 6 parts total. I have everything plotted but the
plot occasionally twists and changes on me.  the first three parts are
written (Hey!  Here's part three now!) and the rest exists in half-scenes
and notes like "in this scene, Ranma makes love to a duck".
(Special note:  Ranma does not make love to a duck in any story I have
written, am writing, or intend to write.  Although he nearly married one
once, as we all know.  Anyone want to write a story hinging on a "what if
that marriage had actually gone through"?)  ^_^;;;;
This will be a rather traditional story, not dark or serious or waffy or
lemon or revisionist or alternate universe or anything.  It's set near the
end of the series, because Mrs. Tendo knows about Ranma and
Genma... other than that, I haven't thought about continuity too much.

Sorry for the goofy title.

Characters are copyright Takahashi Rumiko, no infringement intended.
This is a fan work only, not for profit.

Monkey Head Butting
Part Three

 When Kasumi awoke, she lay in her bed, hugging her pillow,
recalling Kuno's kiss from the evening before.  It had surprised her, but
it had also been warm, and intimate, and electrifying.  It made her dizzy
to think about it.  Was that what love was like?  Kasumi had never been
in love, had never had the time to even consider it.
` But no, when she thought of Kuno, she thought mostly of his
pompous attitudes, his boasting, and his flat refusal to see or hear
anything which contradicted his chosen view of the world.  She wasn't in
love with Kuno.  *Which is a good thing,* she thought, giggling.  *Ranma
doesn't need any more fiancees... especially male ones!*
 She got dressed, and headed for the kitchen.  She was surprised
to find Ranma and Nodoka already there, hard at work on breakfast.
 "Kasumi, dear," Nodoka said, "you just let us take care of things
for now.  Remember, until this situation is resolved, you're a high school
student again.  No need for you to be cooking and cleaning."
 Kasumi smiled weakly.  It was awfully nice of Mrs. Saotome and
Ranma, but... Kasumi had been getting up early and cooking breakfast
for everyone since long before she'd graduated from high school.  Being
a student had little to do with it.  She backed out of the kitchen and
looked around.
 *Now what?*  The kitchen was Kasumi's center of operation.  To
not be allowed to enter and start breakfast threw her off balance.  What
was she supposed to do with herself now?
 She could hear Genma and father outside, sparring.  *Poor
father!  I suppose Mr. Saotome needs a partner, but father's not as fond
of early morning workouts as the Saotomes are!*
 Akane would be out running soon, if she wasn't already, and
Nabiki... well, Nabiki wasn't an early riser.
 If she were Ranma, she'd be out sparring with his father, not
standing here in a yellow dress.  Well, at least she could practice some
of the simple katas she'd learned from father as a child.  It would be a
good idea to try and keep Ranma's body in shape, at any rate.  But
she'd need to wear something besides the dress...

 A half-hour later, Kasumi left the dojo, having worked up a sweat.
*My, but Ranma-kun is a healthy girl!* she thought.  It had been so very
long since Kasumi had practiced, but the katas had come to her quite
readily.  She'd even found herself going through some of Ranma's
moves, ones she'd seen him do many times but which Kasumi had
never been taught.  They felt absolutely natural, and the movement of
her body, with it's strength, speed, and flexibility, was exhilarating,
almost hypnotic.
 She took a quick bath, being very careful that the water was only
lukewarm, then she headed back to her room.  She thought again about
attending school as a boy, but knew she wasn't ready to do it.  She
studied Ranma's clothing critically -- the red silk top, the black pants --
and again she wondered, *If I'm going to be a girl, then what could be
wrong with dressing like a girl?  Certainly that's more natural than a girl
who dresses like a boy!*
 With her mind made up, Kasumi headed for the attic.

***

 "Ranma!  I mean, Kasumi!  Hurry up!  We're going to be late!"
 Akane stood at the foot of the stairs, fuming.  *You'd think that for
once, with my sister taking Ranma's place, we could actually arrive on
time, but nooo!  What's gotten into her anyway?  Is Ranma's body
affecting her mind somehow?*
 Akane's anger vanished and her mouth fell open when she saw
Kasumi descending the stairs.  Kasumi wore her old Furinkan High
School girl's dress uniform, and her red hair was tied back with a large
white ribbon.  It wasn't much, but... no, that's not true, there was
something else as well.  There was the way Kasumi walked, the way
she moved, the way she smiled so sweetly when she greeted Akane.
Ranma had never looked like this.  Ranma could never look like this...
he could never be as sweet and innocent, as graceful and feminine, as
Kasumi.  Everything that was Kasumi showed through in her every look,
her every movement, her every spoken word.  Combined with Ranma's
looks, which were admittedly considerable, she was absolutely stunning.
 *My god,* Akane thought.  *Every boy in school's going to be on
her in an instant.  It won't even matter that they know she's really
Ranma...*
 Was this really her sister?  Why hadn't she looked like this
yesterday, or last night?  What was going on here?
 "Akane?" Kasumi said, waving a hand in front of Akane's face.
"Shouldn't we be going?  I thought you said we were late."
 "Kasumi?" Akane said, snapping out of her dazed state.  "Do
you... do you really think it's a good idea to go to school like that?"
 Kasumi smiled ruefully.  "To be honest, Akane, I know it might
cause Ranma problems later, but I can't bring myself to act like him or...
or to be him.  If you don't mind, I'd like to leave before Ranma notices..."
 "That... that sounds like a good idea," Akane said.  The two
slipped silently past the kitchen, where Ranma was washing the
morning dishes, and out the front gate.
 Nabiki was waiting at the corner, camera in hand.  Akane sighed.
Maybe Ranma was right... maybe this was worse than anything that had
yet happened to him.  And Ranma didn't even know the half of it, yet...

***

 Ranma had thought school was boring, but she was beginning to
realize how much more dull things could be.  While Mr. Tendo and her
father sat in the corner, playing their usual games of shogi, Ranma once
again tackled the household's daily tasks under the watchful gaze of her
mother.  There was nothing exciting about dusting or scrubbing the
floors or doing the laundry, and this time around there was little help
from Nodoka, who expected Ranma to be able to do all of this on her
own as soon as possible.  It was mindless work, which perhaps
explained why Kasumi seemed so mindless so much of the time.
 Worse, it wore her out and left her tired, without providing any of
the benefits of an actual workout.  Not that Ranma had ever taken
Kasumi for granted, but she was learning to respect the oldest Tendo
sister on a whole new level.
 The upside of all this mindless work was that it gave her a
chance to talk with her mother, which she rarely had the chance to do.
The downside to talking to her mother was that her mother wanted to do
more than talk.  She wanted to discuss things.  Things like relationships,
and how to treat women, and how to conduct yourself in the world.  It
was one thing, Ranma thought, to do dull, boring, and mindless actions.
In fact, she was pretty good at doing boring, mindless things; that was,
after all, essentially what practicing kata was about.  It was quite
another thing to multiply the dullness of a job by adding a boring
discussion on top of it all.
 Ranma nodded her head as she worked, and said, "I see," and "I
understand" when the moment seemed appropriate.  She was scrubbing
in the kitchen, while her mother talked, and was slowly going out of her
mind, when a familiar sound got her attention, and a movement from the
entrance caught her eye...

***

 The three Tendo sisters walked to school together for the first
time in nearly two years.  It made Akane happy.  She recalled her first
day of high school, how excited she'd been, walking along with her
sisters.  She'd listened eagerly to everything the two had told her.  After
Kasumi had graduated, Akane had still walked to school with Nabiki, but
it hadn't been the same.  Nabiki had her own friends and her own
schemes to worry about; she and Akane weren't all that close.  This last
year, after Ranma had shown up, Akane and Nabiki had rarely walked
together at all.
 In a short time Nabiki would graduate, and then it would just be
Akane and Ranma.  Time moved fast.  But, for today, all three sisters
were together.
 There was the jingle of a bicycle bell, and Shampoo rode past
them, scanning the crowd.  Akane's heart skipped a beat -- the
uninhibited, purple-haired Chinese girl was the last thing they needed --
but Shampoo barely glanced at Kasumi.
 *Maybe she won't recognize her at all,* thought Akane.  Then,
more sarcastically, she thought, *Maybe if Ranma wore a dress and a
hair-ribbon more often, he'd have less trouble with fiancees...*
 As they neared the school gate Shampoo circled around and
came back to them.  She stopped her bike, miraculously without
destroying any walls or landing on top of anyone.  "Akane Tendo, you
know where airen is?" she asked in broken Japanese.
 Akane shrugged.  "Haven't seen him," she said, but Shampoo
was neither as blind as Mousse nor as unobservant as Ryoga.  She
focused on Kasumi, and her eyes went wide.
 "Aiya!  Ranma?"
 Kasumi smiled.  "Why hello, Shampoo!  How are you today?"
 Shampoo leapt from her bike and glomped onto Kasumi.  "Airen!
You go on date with Shampoo now yes?"
 "Oh, my!" Kasumi exclaimed.  "Shampoo, I... I have school to
attend, I... could you possibly let go of me?"
 Kasumi managed, with difficulty, to separated herself from the
overly affectionate amazon.  Nearby, Akane clenched her fists and
glowed with a brilliant blue aura.  She wanted to hit someone or
something, but with Kasumi inhabiting Ranma's body, the only viable
target was Shampoo, and Akane knew better than to start another fight
with that girl.
 "Shampoo," Kasumi said, straightening her dress, "I think it's time
we had a talk about girls hugging other girls..."
 "What you talking about Ranma?  Shampoo know you is no girl!"
 "Well..." Kasumi faltered.  "That's true... I suppose... but even so,
when Ran... when I'm in my girl form, you should try to restrain yourself.
Not everyone knows that I'm not a girl, you know.  Think of how it
appears to others."
 "Why you dress like that, Ranma?" Shampoo asked, changing
the subject.  "Is violent girl hit you on head again?"
 "Violent!" Akane yelled, pounding her fist into the rock wall next
to her.  Bits of rock flew everywhere as the wall collapsed.  "Who,
exactly, are you calling violent?!?"
 "Aiya," Shampoo said, staring at the demolished wall.  Suddenly
she turned back to Kasumi.  "Shampoo come to warn you about
Mousse," she said.  "He train very hard in mountain for two weeks.  Now
he is looking for you, Ranma.  You be careful, Mousse very strong this
time, very hard to beat."
 "Mousse is looking to fight Ranma?" Akane said.  A huge
sweatdrop appeared on her head as she considered the implications.
*There's no way Kasumi can handle Mousse, even on a good day.  If
he's had two weeks of training, then Kasumi's dead meat.  Our only
chance is to avoid a confrontation completely.*
 "Ah!" Shampoo cried out.  "Shampoo understand now!  You
already hear of Mousse, yes?  Is good disguise!  Almost you fool
Shampoo!"  She hugged Kasumi again, and Kasumi's face turned very
red.  Then Shampoo stepped back, serious again.  "Still, you no hide
from Mousse forever.  Mousse very determined this time, Ranma.  You
no hurt him too bad, okay?"
 "I... I'm sure I'll manage that somehow," Kasumi said softly.

***

 P-Chan squealed in delight, recognizing the Tendo Dojo.  He'd
found it again!  Oh, the heavens smiled on him when he was able to find
his way back to Akane so often!  Grunting contentedly to himself, he
squeezed into the compound and trotted happily towards the house.
 Once inside, he proceeded with caution.  Not only did he become
lost easily in the massive house, but he wanted to avoid Ranma if he
could.  But all he saw was Kasumi, working in the kitchen as usual.  He
grunted in satisfaction, located the staircase, and trotted quickly towards
it.
 Steady footsteps followed him.  He turned, and saw a hand
reaching out.  The next thing he knew, he was being dangled by his
collar before Kasumi's frowning face.
 "Just where do you think you're going, Mr. pig?" Kasumi asked.
P-Chan squealed in confusion and alarm.  Something wasn't right!
 "As if I didn't know," Kasumi continued, carrying him through the
living room and out into the back.  "Well, sorry, Ryoga, but you're not
sleeping with my sister tonight."
 P-Chan barely felt a thing as he was drop-kicked by the older
Tendo sister.  He flew out over the houses of Nerima, his mind stunned
and confused.  *Kasumi knows?* he thought.  *But... but how?  And why
was Kasumi, of all people, acting just like Ranma?*

***

 "Who's the new girl?" Hitoshi asked.
 Daisuke shook his head.  "I can't say, my friend, but she sure is a
sight for sore eyes!"
 "What a babe!  Have you ever seen her before, Kyosuke?"
 "Never!  I wouldn't forget a beautiful sight like that!"
 The boys gathered in their homeroom at Furinkan High and
stared at the unknown red-headed girl.  As the teacher called out the
student's names in turn, the boys whispered back and forth.  When the
girl caught some of them looking her way, she gave them a warm,
radiant smile, and several boys nearly passed out on the spot.
 The girls, too, were watching the new student, comparing her
stunning beauty and grace to their own and, without exception, feeling
slightly outclassed.  Just who was this girl anyway?
 "Ranma Saotome?" the teacher called out.
 "Here!" Kasumi said.  The entire room gasped, and as one they
turned to stare.
 "Ranma?"
 "That's Ranma?"
 "That can't be Ranma, can it?"
 "What a waste if he doesn't stay that way!"
 In seconds every boy in the classroom was crowded around
Kasumi's desk, asking questions, offering her presents from their desks
or parts of their lunch.  Kasumi was bewildered and overwhelmed.
 "Oh, how nice of you!  You really shouldn't... my, how sweet!  Oh,
I don't think I should, thank you so very much for offering!  Oh, would
you look at that!  Why, thank you!  Hello again, Daisuke, Hitoshi!  Isn't
class about to start?"
 Meanwhile the girls in the classroom remained seated, but had
their own comments.
 "Would you look at them?  I can't believe it!  Mooning over a boy,
of all things!"
 "I knew Ranma was a little weird, but this..."
 "And to think for a moment I actually thought she was pretty."
 "Ranma, pretty?  Don't make me laugh."
 "Honestly, how long are they going to keep this up?"
 "Akane seems remarkably calm, don't you think?"
 "Yeah, Akane, what's up?  Why is Ranma dressed like this?  Are
you really going to ignore it all?"
 "Why should it concern me?" Akane replied.  As usual, there was
an undercurrent of anger in her voice, but a couple of the other girls
exchanged glances.  Hadn't it sounded a little hollow, as if Akane
weren't really angry at all?  What, exactly, was going on here?
 "Akane Tendo!  You must date with me tonight!"
 Kuno came charging across the room, a bouquet of flowers in his
hand, and the unusual was suddenly swept away by the all-too-familiar.
Kuno landed on one knee in front of Akane's desk and, grabbing her
hand, he planted a kiss upon it.  "Oh beauteous Akane, allow me to
grace you with an evening as splendid as that which I and the beautiful
pig-tailed goddess..."
 The soliloquy ended abruptly as satellite Kuno was once again
launched into orbit, this time via the second-story window.  Akane
watched him sailing off.  She looked suddenly perplexed.  "What was
that he was saying about an evening with the pig-tailed goddess..?" she
wondered out loud.
 Akane felt a hand on her shoulder, and turned to see Kasumi
eyeing her levelly.  "Akane," her sister said, "was that really necessary?"

***

 Akane didn't learn the whole story until lunchtime, when she and
Kasumi happened across their sister, engaged in another of her
transactions with Kuno.  Nabiki was so wrapped up in her bargaining
that she failed to notice Akane approaching her from behind.  Akane
reached out and lifted a set of photographs from Nabiki's hands.
 "Hey!" Nabiki yelled, spinning about.  "Give those back!  They're
extremely valuable merchandise!"
 "What is it this time, Nabiki?" Akane growled.  "More lewd photos
of me working out?  Maybe a shot of me getting dressed, or even a
bathroom shot?  Oh..." Akane's eyes went wide, and she looked directly
at Kasumi.  "This is you, isn't it?  Eating dinner with Kuno... holding
hands... kissing him?!?  I thought you were out with Hitoshi and
Daisuke!"
 Kasumi's face turned red.  "Oh, my... I thought I'd gotten rid of
those..."
 Nabiki smirked.  "Can I help it, sister, if you took the camera, but
not all my rolls of film?  A girl's got to make a living you know."
 "Kasumi, how could you?" Akane said, hurt.  "This isn't your body
you know, it's Ranma's!  It's his life you're messing up, and mi... and...
Of all the people I might have expected this from, I never would have
thought..."
 Kuno, ever aware of half the truth and no more than that, placed
one arm each over the shoulders of Akane and Kasumi.  "Now, girls," he
said, "there's no need to argue.  The great Tatewate Kuno is more than
enough of a man for the both of y..."
 "DO YOU MIND?!?" Akane yelled as she launched Kuno for the
second time that day.  As she stood, huffing in anger, watching Kuno's
trajectory, Kasumi spoke again.
 "I'm sorry, Akane, I know I was wrong, but... I don't know what
came over me.  I..." her voice trailed off as she looked down at her feet
in shame.
 Nabiki held out her hand.  "If you're quite finished ruining my
transaction, Akane," she said icily, "I'd appreciate having those back..."
 "Not on your life!"
 Nabiki frowned.  "Fine, if that's the way you want it, I'll just charge
your account..."
 "NABIKI!"
 "Look, sis, I have the negatives.  You'll only delay my sale by a
day, and force me to have new prints made..."
 "AS IF I CARE ABOUT YOUR PETTY INCONVENIENCES!"
Akane yelled.  She stalked off without looking back.
 Nabiki sighed, and glanced back at Kasumi.  "That's Akane for
you," she said.  "She'll calm down eventua...."
 "Nabiki," Kasumi said levelly, and Nabiki thought she saw a flash
of anger in the red-head's eyes, "what I did was wrong, but what you did
was also wrong.  And after I told you last night not to do this!  I... I
don't
even know what to say.  I am very, very disappointed in you."
 A slight frown graced Nabiki's normally calm face as she watched
her elder sister disappear behind some trees.  Nabiki was never one to
admit to any sort of deep emotion, but she had never heard her older
sister speak before in that tone of voice.  Akane's anger came and went
as swiftly as the wind, and Nabiki could weather it easily, but to hear the
anger and hurt in Kasumi's voice shook her to her core.
 It was almost enough to keep her from selling the photos.
Almost.
 *One percent each,* she thought, after a moment's reflection.
*They deserve that much, at least.  And a half-percent for Akane as
well, but that's as much as I can offer...*

***

 Growing up with his father, Ranma had learned simple cooking
out of necessity.  Later he had learned quite a bit from his mother,
mostly while disguised as "Tendo Ranko", the supposed niece.  but
even after his mother knew him as her son Ranma, she'd continued to
give him the occasional cooking lesson.  Although left unspoken, they
both sensed that Ranma, after marriage, might be forced to become the
primary cook of his family -- assuming, of course, that he married
Akane.
 Noon found Ranma in the kitchen, preparing lunch.  Nodoka was
out shopping.  She'd left the planning and preparation of lunch up to
Ranma, who'd decided on something that was not too difficult but which
she enjoyed eating.  Without even realizing it, she hummed to herself as
she worked.  She was having fun -- cooking was a great deal more
engaging than cleaning or folding laundry -- and was looking forward to
the reactions of her father and Mr. Tendo.
 "Hotcha!  My favorite! Yakisoba, made by the loving hands of
Kasumi!"
 Ranma spun around.  Happosai was standing on the table,
shoveling yakisoba noodles into his mouth as quickly as his hands could
move.  Remembering her promise to Mr. Tendo, Ranma quelled the
urge to punch her diminutive master, and instead slammed a pan down
onto the table next to him.
 "Hey!" Ranma yelled, "I'm not finished yet!  Wait until I say lunch
is ready!"
 Suddenly Happosai froze.  The chopsticks fell from his lifeless
fingers as a look of horror crawled across his face.
 "Kasumi!  Your yakisoba.... it's... it's..." his hands went to his
throat.
 "What?!?  You don't like it?  There's nothing wrong with it!  Or
maybe you'd like some of Akane's cooking for comparison?"
 "No," Happosai said, "that's not it, it's..."  He looked up, tears
coming to his eyes.  "Kasumi, this is merely good!  What could have
possibly gone wrong?  Your cooking has always been far more than just
good!"
 Ranma's eyes narrowed.  "Is that all?  Well if you don't like it, you
don't have to eat it, you know.  Nobody's forcing you."
 "But Kasumi!" the man pleaded, "to not be completely satisfied by
your food... perhaps something's wrong with me!"
 "Oh, really?" Ranma muttered under her breath, "what was your
first clue?"  She carried the dishes out to the family room, where Soun
and Genma were hunched over their game board, engaged in yet
another fierce battle of, for lack of a better word, wits.  Happosai
followed her and sat at the table dejectedly.
 "I just don't get it," he muttered to himself.  "How can I not love
Kasumi's cooking?"
 "Lunch is ready," Ranma called out.  "I hope you like it."
 In a maneuver of astonishing agility, Genma used the distraction
to switch game pieces around and still arrived at the table ahead of
Soun.  Ranma shook her head.  *He really has all the talent to be a truly
great martial artist,* she thought.  *If only he weren't such a cowardly
weasel.*
 Genma dug in quickly, then beamed at his son-cum-daughter.
"Ranma, my boy, you've outdone yourself!  And without any help from
Nodoka!  If only you'd have learned to cook this well at a younger age,
our years of training might have passed more easily!"
 Happosai looked about.  "Ranma?  Where do you see Ranma?
Are you feeling okay, Genma?"
 "Master," Soun said, "your senses do not deceive you.  Ranma
and Kasumi have, for the moment, switched places."
 Happosai's eyes narrowed.  He looked at Ranma, and then back
at Soun.
 "Do you mean," he said, "that beautiful Kasumi here is really my
ungrateful student, Ranma?"
 Soun nodded.  "We're not exactly sure how it hap..."
 "Ranchan!" Happosai exclaimed, making a leap directly for
Ranma's breasts.
 There was a loud thump, and Happosai landed face-first in
Ranma's yakisoba.  Ranma blinked.  He hadn't moved a muscle... it was
Soun who had delivered the blow.
 "Way to go, Mr. Tendo!" Ranma exclaimed.  "You're finally
standing up to the freak!"
 "Forgive me, Master," Soun said, hastily picking Happosai up and
dusting him off.  "That's still the body of our beloved Kasumi.  I beg of
you to treat it with respect, regardless of who inhabits it."
 While Soun groveled before him, the little man sat on the edge of
the table and lit his pipe.  "Okay, Soun," he said, reflectively, "I'll let
you
off easy this one time.  Still, this explains a lot.  I was afraid for a
moment that I'd lost my ability to appreciate fine cuisine, but knowing
that this mess is Ranma's work..."
 "Hey!  There's nothing wrong with my cooking!"
 "That's where you're wrong, boy!" Happosai countered.
"Kasumi's food exists on a completely different level from normal
cooking!  Her creations are spiced with her love and happiness, with her
tenderness and compassion.  It's no wonder this slop pales by
comparison!"
 "Slop!" Ranma sputtered.  "Spiced with compassion?  Give me a
break!"
 "Laugh if you want, Ranma," Happosai said, "but only a woman
with a pure heart could ever hope to equal Kasumi's culinary skills."
 "Is that so?  We'll just see about that!"
 "Son," Soun said, "the master is right.  You cook very well, but
Kasumi has had years to hone her skills."
 "You think I don't know that?  All I'm saying is I can make a meal
that anyone can enjoy, and I don't need sweetness and love to do it!
Compassion isn't something you eat!"
 "All right then!" Happosai said, jumping up on the table.  "You can
be awfully headstrong, Ranma, but this time I'm taking you down a peg
or two!  I accept your challenge!  If you can create a meal that even
comes close to Kasumi's perfection, something that even vaguely
reminds me of her wonderful meals, then you win!"
 "You got it!"
 "And I'm so certain that you'll fail, that if you win, I'll give you that
which I hold most dear!  You can have every bra and every panty that
I've ever taken from Akane!"
 "WHAT?!?  Why would I ever... what makes you think... I don't
want..."
 "Ranma," Soun said, stepping forward, "the Master rarely makes
so generous an offer.  To refuse is to risk his wrath, and none of us
want that."
 "Look, Mr. Tendo, I don't want ANY girl's underwear, and
especially not underwear from that kawaiikune tomboy!"
 "Boy!  Don't speak of your fiance that way!"
 "Please, Ranma," Soun said, tears coming to his eyes, "don't
refuse the Master's kind offer... you have no idea how much money I
spend every month, keeping Akane supplied with underwear..."
 Ranma's eyes went wide, and she glanced towards Happosai.
"Just how often does the freak steal from her anyway?"
 "You ungrateful, snot-nosed brat!  Are you gonna accept my
challenge, or not?"
 "Fine by me," Ranma said.  "But you can give the underwear to
Akane... I just want to hear you say you like my food!"
 "It's a deal," Happosai said.  "But should you lose, you'll be
wearing this!"  From within his robe he produced a bra... the same one
he'd been trying to get Ranma to wear for months.
 A sweatdrop appeared on Ranma's head.  Considering that she
was wearing a bra, along with everything else Kasumi normally wore,
the threat from Happosai seemed rather out of place.  She managed to
rally with a half-hearted growl.  "You just never give up, do you?"
 "Don't do it, son!" Genma growled.  "This isn't a battle you can
win."
 Ranma was defiant.  "I don't lose at nothing!  Not even cooking!"
 "This isn't martial arts cooking you know!"
 "Says you.  I say 'anything goes' means 'anything goes'!"  She
stomped off to the kitchen, muttering to herself about recipes and
compassion.
 Genma sighed.  "My own son, attempting to out-cook Kasumi.
Where did I go wrong, Tendo?"
 "Perhaps, Saotome, it was that trip to China..."
 Happosai sat back down.  "Ha!  The fool really thinks he can
cook like Kasumi.  That'll be the day!"
 "The boy's really lost it this time, Tendo.  We need to switch him
and Kasumi back, quick."
 "Now, how did this happen, exactly?" Happosai asked.  "It's not
every day you have people switching bodies like that."
 "It started with the Monkey Head-Butting Technique," Soun said.
 "The what?"
 Quickly Soun filled the Master in on the previous day's events.
When they were done, Happosai scowled.
 "What?" Happosai said.  "Monkey Head-Butting Technique?  A
powerful weapon of attack and defense?  Don't make me laugh!  Who
told you that load of crap?   That sounds like one of Genma's stories!"
 A sweatdrop appeared on Genma's forehead.
 "There's no such thing?" Soun said.  His body began to radiate a
red battle aura.
 "Tendo, I'm sure I can explain..."
 "Saotome, you assured me that such a technique existed..."
 With a loud splash, Genma upended a bucket of water over his
head.  A moment later Mr. Panda stood there, holding a sign that read,
"Growf?"
 "Saotome," Soun said, "don't make the mistake of thinking you
can get out of this one..."
 "No," Happosai continued, "that technique was never meant as a
weapon of attack or defense... it's only purpose was to provide the
perfect disguise for sneaking into women's locker rooms..."
 Soun paused and glanced back at his perverted Master.  "Then it
really exists?" he asked.
 "Growf?"
 "Of course it exists!" Happosai said with authority.  "I didn't spend
a good part of my youth chasing a dream you know!  I searched for
years, scouring the land, until I finally claimed the secrets of Monkey
Head-Bashing for my own!  Only  then was I satisfied!"
 "Then you know the secret!" Soun cried happily.  "You know how
to cure Kasumi!  Why didn't you say so earlier?"
 "Because," Happosai said, "I don't."

***

 Now that she looked back on it, Akane could see that Ranma's
whole "Cat Tongue Pressure Point" episode had been a blessing in
disguise.  For weeks Ranma had been forced to attend school as a girl,
to wear a girl's swimsuit or gym outfit during p.e.  He'd managed to
avoid wearing the girl's school uniform, but only barely.  Still, people
were used to seeing Ranma as a girl, and while Kasumi had caused
quite a stir this morning by the way she'd dressed and acted, it was
quickly forgotten.  People weren't shocked, and they weren't gossiping...
at least, no more than they usually did.
 As Ranma-chan had done, Kasumi wore a girl's gym outfit and
joined the other girls playing softball.  Kasumi played well.  From what
Akane could remember, her sister had never been very good at the
sport.  *There's my theory again,* she thought.  *Kasumi seems to be
reacting with Ranma-chan's instincts and reflexes.*
 "Ranma Saotome!  Prepare to die!"
 The challenge rang out across the softball field, and Akane
looked up to see Mousse, in his usual flowing white robe, hurling threats
and invectives at a nearby shrub.
 "Oh, look!  It's that strange Chinese boy!" Sayuri said.
 "What's he doing talking to that bush?" Yuka added.  "How odd!"
 As Mousse adjusted his glasses and stared closely at the bush, a
crowd of boys and girls gathered around Kasumi.  Everyone knew what
was coming; challenges to Ranma had become a weekly event at the
school, and were, in fact, quite anticipated.  The battles were often
spectacular, and there was always the outside chance that the
unthinkable would happen, that Ranma would lose... after all, pigs were
often seen flying through the Nerima skies.
 Mousse, his glasses balanced atop his head, walked straight up
to Kasumi.  For a moment Akane wondered if he'd actually done the
unthinkable and picked Ranma out of the crowd -- on a day when not
another soul in the entire school had managed to.  But then Mousse
spoke.
 "Excuse me Miss, have you seen Ranma Saotome?"
 "Not since this morning," Kasumi said.
 "Ranma's not here, Mousse," Akane chimed in, stepping forward.
There would be a way out of this yet!
 "Ranma?" Hitoshi said, not to be denied a ringside seat at
another spectacular match. "What do you mean, he's right there in front
of you!"
 Akane shot Hitoshi a withering glare, which he failed to notice.
Mousse adjusted his glasses and looked closer at Kasumi.  "Ranma?  Is
that you?  Why are you dressed like a girl?"
 "Why, because I am a girl," Kasumi replied.  "At least, for the
moment."
 The vision-impaired boy jumped back and assumed a fighting
stance.  "Never mind, you pervert!  I've come to defeat you and win
back the hand of my beloved Shampoo!"
 "Win back?" Hitoshi said.  "Doesn't that mean he had to have it in
the first place?"
 "That's the usual meaning," Daisuke replied.  The other students
nodded in agreement.
 "Shut up!" Mousse yelled.  "Ranma, prepare to die!"
 "I'm pretty sure he said that already," Yuka said.
 Mousse moved to attack Kasumi.  "NO!" Akane shouted, jumping
between the two.  From nowhere she produced a mallet, swinging it in a
wide arc that intersected with Mousse's face, seperating him from his
glasses, and his feet from the ground.
 "Akane!" Daisuke said.  "This is a fight between two men!  No fair
interrupting!"
 "Two men?" Akane fired back.  She jabbed a finger at Kasumi.
"Does that look like a man to you?"
 "Well, it's Ranma, after all..."
 Mousse leapt to his feet.  "I agree!  This fight is between Ranma
and I!  Ranma, tell your woman to stay out of it!"
 "My... woman?" Kasumi repeated doubtfully.
 There was another flash of the mallet, and Mousse was again
stretched out on the playing field.
 "Akane, stop it!  We want to see a fight!"
 "Come on, Mousse!" Akane growled.  "It's the middle of school!
At least issue a formal challenge!  Name the time and place and we'll be
there... but you can't just fight right here during school!"
 Hitoshi frowned.  "I thought they did  that all the time."
 "Me too," Daisuke added.
 "Very well," Mousse said, drawing himself up and adjusting his
glasses once more.  "Ranma Saotome, I formally challenge you for the
right to pursue Shampoo!  The fight shall be held..."
 "...next month!" Akane interjected.
 Mousse looked at her blankly.  "Next month?  Very well, Akane, if
you insist, then so it shall be.  And given that today is the twenty-ninth,
that means that our fight shall commence this Saturday!"
 "Uh..." Akane said, "Saturday?  Did I say Saturday?"
 "The date is set!  Ranma, meet me at noon here on the school
grounds.  You'd better show up!  Be prepared to die!"
 "He keeps saying that," Daisuke said, as Mousse bounded away.
 "Such a strange boy," Yuka agreed.
 "It's sad, really," Sayuri added, "talking to bushes, and always
repeating himself.  Do you think he even realizes it?"

***
End Part Three


Remember, if the world hands you lemons, fight back!  Write something
different!
Enjoy!  And if you don't, write me anyway!

M.A. Davis  aka "Miko"
belldandy@angelic.com
http://www.fortunecity.com/tatooine/pratchett/199/