>From owner-ffml@ffml.fanfic.com Thu Jun 25 13:24:55 1998

Subject: Re: [FFML] [Fanfic][Ranma][Dark] Ranma plus Ryoga

My yearly piece of mildy grumpy, semi-helpful C&C.

Much appreciated ... helps me work out all the kinks ...

Good side: The writing's fairly tight; no terrible stylistic mistakes.

Actually I went through again, and found some stuff I corrected. (Stuff 
that doesn't make sense, and words repeated too often).

Fairly good job showing us the scene, and running through events.

Bad side:

  1. This plot (Ranma and Ryouga fight, Ryouga rapes Ranma, Ryouga 

flees,

   Ranma/Ryouga's kid shows up for revenge) has been done before. A 

lot.

   In fact, it's been done so often that Nick Liefker parodied it in
   Black Lemonade.

Hee hee, I just read it then. Pretty funny. Although I think it's 
Akane's kid that actually attacked. Where are the other stories like 
this? I want to read them. Truthfully, I didn't know that anyone did it 
before (Ranma/Ryoga's child). Actually I just made it up coz I was 
wondering how kick ass a martial artist would have come out of Ryoga and 
Ranma ... Strength and speed. That would be something .... then Ryanko 
was born ...

  2. Despite the fact that it's been done before, the premise is 

riddled

   with flaws. First: after the first few volumes, Ranma and Ryouga
   Settle down into a friendly rivalry. Second: you have Ryouga beat
   Ranma 'fairly' (no new technique, etc) which isn't terribly likely.

Seeing how this was the first draft, I haven't drilled out all the holes 
yet. I had just put the basic plot in, then I was gonna add in more 
stuff later. I usually do that. What I usually don't is post the 1st 
draft, but I wanted to see how people would react to it. There was 
actually going to be a reason why Ryoga was so worked up in the 
beginning ... I just hadn't written it yet ^_^.
About Ryoga beating Ranma, face it, he could be Ranma's equal (in a fair 
fight). But Ranma's bad luck on stepping on the loose tile, sort of 
evened it up ... anyway in subsequent drafts, I'm extending the fight 
scene ...

   Third: even assuming Ryouga is scummy enough to rape someone, he's
   repeatedly shown disgust at the thought of intimate contact with
   Ranma, to the point of fleeing screaming in disgust after she 

kisses

   him.

Ryoga is in 'berserker' mode. Also in my universe, Ryoga is attracted to 
Ranma's female form (I even wrote it down in there somewhere).

Fourth: Ranma would hunt him down himself, not wait seventeen

   years for his kid to grow up. Fifth: Sorry, but I find it hard to
   believe that a 16 year old girl is stronger than a 33 year old 

Ryouga.

There is all reasons for this will be revealed later ... you shouldn't 
really question the plot until the series has finalised and 'finished' 
... ^_^. 

  3. Why does everyone seeking to avenge their father wear a black 

cloak?

   Is it a fashion statement?

She's not seeking to avenge her father, she's seeking to kill him ^_^.
And ya gotta admit, black cloaks are cool ...

seeyas!

Ace Sanchez


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