I hope I'm not being too forward by posting (part one of) a story right
away.
I thought I'd posted this to r.a.a.c. but apparently not.  My server's
acting
wonky lately when it comes to the newsgroups.  I was going to lurk a while,
but decided instead to send my story here.  I'll post part 2 tomorrow, and
part 3 should be ready to post the day after.

Monkey Head Butting!
m a davis/miko  belldandy@angelic.com
http://www.fortunecity.com/tatooine/pratchett/199/

This story will be 4-6 parts total. I have everything plotted and the first
2 and
1/2 parts written.

This is a Ranma 1/2 fan fiction story.

This will not be dark or serious or waffy or lemon or revisionist or
alternate
universe or anything.  It's set near the end of the series, because Mrs.
Tendo knows about Ranma and Genma... other than that, I haven't thought
about continuity too much.  Don't expect a very original tale... although I
hope
it's at least well written.

Sorry for the goofy title.

C&C appreciated.  And other letters of the alphabet too.

Characters are copyright Takahashi Rumiko, no infringement intended.
This is a fan work only, not for profit.

Monkey Head Butting
Part One

 "Oh!  What's this?"
 Kasumi set her laundry basket down on the grass and picked up the
strange object lying at the edge of the stone path.  She turned it over.  It
was a metal broach of some sort, of a dull grey metal, perhaps pewter.  It
was covered in dirt, but from what she could see of it, the front depicted a
rather amuzing little monkey's face.
 "How cute!" she exclaimed.  "I wonder who's it is, and how it got
here?  I'll have to wash it off and see if I can't find out who it belongs
to."
 Slipping the broach into her apron pocket, she picked up the
laundry and continued on her way, humming to herself.

***

 "Ranma, hurry up!  We're going to be late!"
 Akane Tendo's voice carried up the stairwell.  Ranma Saotome
shoved his legs into loose pants of black silk and fumbled with the
drawstring.  *Damn her!  Would it hurt her to wake me earlier?* he thought
furiously.  *It's not like I can help being a heavy sleeper!  If she had to
deal
with pop's snoring, she'd be one too!*
 Ranma grabbed his shoes and book bag and ducked into the
hallway, legs pumping.  He tugged his top into place as he nearly flew
down the stairs.  At the last second, he saw Kasumi come around the
corner, a bundle of neatly folded clothes in hand.
 "Look out!" Ranma yelled, too late.  He saw her  face coming at
him, he felt a sharp crack against his head like a blow from Akane's mallet,
and then there was darkness.

***

 When Kasumi opened her eyes, Akane was towering over her like
sumo wrestler Akebono over a fallen opponent.  Akane's face was flushed
with anger, and Kasumi's head was pounding.
 "You idiot!"  Akane yelled.  "How many times do you have to be told
to be careful coming down those stairs?  My sister could have been killed!"
 "I'm all right," Kasumi said woozily, placing a hand to her forehead.
There was going to be a knot there, she could tell.  "It was just an
accident, Akane.  It's okay, really."
 In the background father was crying in anguish, carrying on as if
she were mortally injured.  "Kasumi!  My daughter!  Poor Kasumi!  Speak
to your father!"
 "I'm all right, father," Kasumi said.  Her voice did seem a little odd...
 "Let's put her on the couch," she heard Genma say.  "Don't worry,
Soun.  She'll be alright in a minute or two."
 "I'm all right, really..." she said again.
 "Baka!  You won't be if my father gets ahold of you," Akane said.
She grabbed Kasumi's wrist and hauled her up to her feet.  *Oh, she's so
strong!* Kasumi thought, and then Akane was dragging her through the
house, .  "What's wrong with you?  We don't have time for this!  Honestly,
you're so dense sometimes!  If we don't hurry, we're going to be late!
Now, come on, Ranma!"
 "Akane?" Kasumi asked, confused.
 "Don't worry, I've got your books and your lunch.  Hurry up!  We
don't have all day you know!"
 "Akane, wait!"
 "Baka!" Akane shouted, and then she lunged out the door, yanking
Kasumi off her feet, and flew through the front gate...

***

 Ranma woke to the sound of cicadas and a gentle spring breeze
blowing in from the yard.  He heard the tinkle of the chimes and the splash
of a koi in the pond.  Slowly he opened his eyes.
 He was lying in the living room, a towel on his forehead.  There was
a futon under him, and a blanket pulled up over him.  Soun Tendo was
kneeling beside him, holding his hand.
 "Thank the heavens you're awake!" Soun said.  "Are you all right?
How do you feel?"
 "Mr. Tendo?" Ranma asked.
 Soun's  face fell as tears came to his eyes.  "Wah!  My own
daughter doesn't remember me!  Kasumi!"  Ranma watched as the strange
man got up and staggered about the room, wailing.  Now what?
 He remembered getting dressed, and running down the stairs... *Oh
no!  Is Kasumi all right?  I hope I didn't kill her or nothing!*
 Ranma's father was eating breakfast at the table nearby.  Ranma
sat up.  "Pop?" Ranma asked.  "What's up with Mr. Tendo?  Is Kasumi
okay?"
 Slowly, his father stopped eating.  His rice bowl hit the table with a
clink.
 "Ranma?"
 "Yeah?"  Ranma put his had to his head.  "Oh man, my head hurts."
 "Ranma?  Is that really you, boy?"
 "Of course it's me!  Who the hell do you think it is?"  Ranma pulled
the blanket back, then looked down.  He froze, and his eyes went wide.
 "Pop?  I'll probably regret asking this, but... why am I wearing a
dress?"

***

 Buildings and fences flashed by in a blur.  Telephone poles and
traffic signs appeared out of nowhere, then disappeared into the distance.
As if she were on a carnival ride, Kasumi spun and twisted about, never
actually colliding with any of the numerous objects that momentarily lept
out at her.  "Oh, my!" she exclaimed, flinching.  "Oh my!  Oh!..."
 People stared as she flew past, and she was unable to do so much
as greet them in her usual friendly manner.  There, hadn't that blur been
Mrs. Ishigawa, on her way to open up her store?  And surely that blur was
Mr. Ito, out for his morning jog.  She'd been meaning to ask him if his poor
dog had recovered after that trip to the vet... but she sped on, like a
bullet
train that could not stop or deviate from it's course.
 Her feet never touched the ground.  That was a good thing,
because Kasumi didn't have shoes on.  She knew that Akane was strong,
but to carry Ranma like this... it really amazed her.   Ranma was powerfully
built; Kasumi would have trouble lifting the boy, let alone carrying him
anywhere.  But Akane flew along like it was nothing.  And really, Kasumi
reflected, it was actually kind of fun.  This might be her only chance to
experience it, since nobody in the household would ever dare drag Kasumi
along behind them like this.  Father would kill them if they so much as
tried.
 She was in Ranma's body, that much was self evident.  Oblivious
Kasumi might be, but blind she was not.  She had no idea how or why, but
she accepted it as one of the many weird occurances in her life.  Ususally
they happened to the others around her, but she was bound to get raked
by the claws of fate once in a while.  It came with being a martial artist,
and
while Kasumi had put her martial arts training behind her years ago, she
was still surrounded by martial artists.  She lived in a dojo, and was well
aware of the weirdness that came with the territory (and if she wasn't, then
there was always Mrs. Ishigawa and Mrs. Chino and others to remind her...
constantly).
 Yes, Kasumi was the daughter of a martial artist.  She'd seen
weirdness before, and was prepared to deal with it.  Father, and Ranma,
and the rest would fix everything eventually.  They always did.  In the
mean time, she would just have to suffer the inconvenience.
 Her biggest concern was that she was being dragged to school,
when there was so much to be done at home.  Who was going to do the
laundry?  Who was going to make the beds, and dust, and vacuum?  She
hadn't even decided yet what they'd be having for dinner, or planned her
trip to the market.  And poor Ranma!  What a horrible shock this must be
for him!
 As for being a boy, well... Kasumi wasn't sure how she felt about
that.  What did it entail, exactly?  She wasn't sure she wanted to find out.
And Ranma, of all people... if she were going to be a man, then why not
father?  Now she was engaged to her own sister, and then there were all
those other girls to think about!
 An old woman flashed by, tossing water onto the ground.  Kasumi
felt a cold splash on her face and side, soaking into her sleeve and the
front of her shirt.  There was a strange tingling all over, but especially
centered in the chest and groin.  It lasted for just a few seconds, then it
was over.
 Well, Kasumi thought, there's one thing I won't have to worry about
immediately...

***

 Ranma was a girl.  That was nothing new, of course; although born
male, she was often a girl.  This time, however, it was different.  Not only
was she not just a female version of her male self, she was, in fact,
someone else entirely.  She was Kasumi Tendo, the oldest of the three
Tendo sisters.  At least, she was in Kasumi's body.
 She was having a hard time wrapping her mind around the concept.
Kasumi was nearly like a mother to her.  She cooked, cleaned, and cared
for the entire household, and never once complained about it.  She
seemed to enjoy it, in fact.  She was sweet and innocent, a thousand times
less devious than her sister Nabiki and a thousand times more feminine
than her sister Akane.  She was the last person Ranma would want this
sort of thing to happen to, and the last person Ranma could imagine
herself becoming.
 One thing was for sure.  A kettle of hot water wasn't going to get her
out of this one.  But on the bright side, she was apparently going to
completely avoid that big economics test that she'd been dreading.
 She looked up at her father and Mr. Tendo.  They were, she
supposed, both her father at the moment.  Genma was her actual father --
the one who had raised her, at least as far as her mind was concerned.
But at the moment, Soun was her physical father.  Strange.
 Her head still hurt.
 "What have you done to my poor Kasumi?!?" Mr. Tendo wailed.
 "I didn't do nothin'!" Ranma exclaimed, holding her head.  Even to
her, the phrase sounded weird, coming as it did in Kasumi's voice.  "I
mean... I really don't really know, Mr. Tendo," she said.  "All I did was
bump heads with her..."
 "Kasumi!!!  My Kasumi!!!!"
 *Great,* Ranma thought to herself.  Mr. Tendo had completely lost
it.
 Genma Saotome nodded gravely.  "Of course!  It all makes sense
now!"
 Ranma glanced up.  "You got something to say, pop?"
 "It's an ancient martial-arts technique," he said, "spoken of only in
legend, and passed down from master to student since the dawn of
China's first dynasty.  It allows for the transmigration of souls from one
body to another... the secret "Monkey Head-Butting" technique, a
devestating attack for which there is no counter defense."  He rubbed his
chin thoughtfully.  "I can't tell you how many times I've seen that used to
nuetralize an enemy..."
 With practiced ease, Ranma careened a rice bowl off of her father's
head.  "Give me a break!" she yelled, and that, too, sounded strange in
Kasumi's voice.  "What kind of a stupid martial arts technique allows you to
switch bodies with your enemy?"
 "Only the most deadly technique ever developed," Genma said
darkly, rubbing his head.  "True, it's a move borne of desperation, but what
better way to defeat an opponent of superior strength and speed, but to
trade places with him?"
 Soun stepped forward, and in his most serious voice, said,
"Saotome, my friend, is this true?  Do you know how to restore my
daughter to her rightful body?"
 "Don't listen to him, Mr. Tendo!  He ain't never heard of no 'Monkey
Head-Butting' technique!  He's making it up!"
 "Am I, boy?" Genma countered.  "Perhaps you'd like a
demonstration."  He advanced on the woman who looked like Kasumi but
spoke like his son.  "After I bang heads with you, you'll see exactly what
I'm talking about."
 "Saotome, don't be foolish!"  Soun grasped Genma's shoulder
firmly.  "That's my daughter's body you're talking about!"
 "Ah man, I ain't butting heads with no one's body but my own,"
Ranma said.
 Without warning a giant demonic head that bore a passing
resemblance to Soun Tendo lunged at Ranma.  It's long tongue flicked in
and out, the veins on it's red face bulged, and it's eyes burned like fires
of
hell.  "YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BASH HEADS WITH MY KASUMI!!"
the demon roared.  "DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!!"
 "Okay!  Okay!" Ranma exclaimed, backing away and holding up her
hands.  "I'm not going to hurt her!  Honest!"
 As quickly has it had appeared, the demon head was gone, leaving
Mr. Tendo in it's place.  He took one look at Ranma and burst into tears.
 "Wah!  Look what you've made me do!  I'm yelling at my own
daughter!  Kasumi!  Oh, Kasumi!!!!"
 "Jeez," Ranma said under her breath.  She put her head in her
hands and looked at her father.  "Okay, pop.  How'm I supposed to get
back to my own body without hurting Kasumi?"

***

 "You're what?  You want to run that by me again?"
 "I told you," the redheaded girl said patiently.  "I'm not Ranma, I'm
Kasumi.  Somehow, we've switched places."
 Akane scowled.  Ranma was being an especially big pain today.
First he'd made them late, then he'd nearly killed her sister, and now this.
"Jeez, Ranma, I know you hit your head a little hard this morning, but snap
out of it!"
 "Akane, I know it's a little hard to believe..."
 "Hard to believe?  Try impossible!"
 "...but I'm telling you the truth.  Why would I lie to you?"
 "As if you need a reason to lie to me, Ranma!  Of all the weird
stories you've come up with..."
 "Do you remember what mother was wearing the day she died?" the
girl asked.  Akane opened her mouth, but no sound came out.  "It was her
favorite dress, remember?  The one with the blue trim?  The... the one she
was buried in?"
 Akane's eyes went wide.  "K... Kasumi?"
 The girl, who looked every bit like Ranma, nodded solemnly.
 "Oh my!" Akane said, "Kasumi, what are we going to do?  We'd
better head back home..."
 "But you and Ranma are late for school," Kasumi said.
 "Kasumi, school can wait!  This is serious!"
 "I don't want you missing any more school if you can help it.  You've
both already missed so much..."
 Akane gritted her teeth.  Hearing that tone of voice coming from
Ranma was weird... but she knew her sister was right.  "That's true...
anyway, that stupid principal is only looking for another excuse to nail
Ranma..."
 "Akane!  Pig-Tailed Girl!"  A tall boy in a blue and black samurai
outfit was running across the lawn.  In one hand he clutched a bokken; in
the other was a boquet of red roses wrapped in a ribbon.
 Kasumi's face brightened.  "Oh, look!  It's one of Ranma's friends!"
 Akane sighed, slipping into a defensive stance.  "Kasumi, Ranma
doesn't have any friends," she said.
 Kuno headed for the red-haired pig-tailed girl first.  Too late, Akane
realized the implications of that... it wasn't Ranma by her side, but her
sister Kasumi.  She growled to herself and stepped forward, but Kuno had
already glomped onto Kasumi, one hand placed prominently on her left
breast.  "Oh my pig-tailed goddess!  Say that you'll date with me!"
 There was a movement too fast for the eye to follow, and Kuno was
flying through the air away from them.  Akane blinked, staring at her
sister.
"Kasumi?" she asked.
 Kasumi was staring at her fist in confusion.  "Did I do that?  I hurt
Ranma's friend!  Oh my!"
 Akane rolled her eyes.  It looked like it was going to be an
especially long day...

***

 With a resounding crack, the heads of the two martial artists came
together.
 Genma Saotome and Soun Tendo slumped to the floor,
unconscious.  Kasumi -- or at least, Ranma, in Kasumi's body -- sat nearby
with a disgusted look on her face.
 Several minutes passed, during which the only sounds were the tick
of the clock, the soft tinkle of the wind chimes, and the occasional plop as
a fish cleared the surface of the pond, then succombed to gravity again.
 Finally Soun groaned, and then Genma sat up.  He looked about,
blinking, and shoved his glasses back onto his nose.  "Did it work?" he
asked.  He jumped up and assumed a triumphant pose.  "Do you see,
boy?  Here I am in Soun Tendo's body..." he glanced down.  "Strange, I
didn't think we'd exchange clothing as well..."
 "Aw, man, for a moment I almost believed you..."
 Ranma landed a punch that sent her father flying out into the yard.
There was a loud splash, sending droplets of water raining down on the
deck like hail.  When the air cleared, a panda lay floating in the water.
 Pain shot up Ranma's right arm, and she winced in pain and
clutched her right arm to her chest.  "Ow!  That hurt, damn it!"
 In and instant Soun was by his side, his arms around him, concern
in his eyes.  "Are you okay?  Did you hurt yourself?"
 "I'm fine, I'm fine," Ranma said, pushing Soun away.  "Geez, Mr.
Tendo, don't be grabbing at me like that..."
 Fountains of water gushed from Soun's eyes.  "Wah!  My own
daughter has rejected me!"
 "I'm not your daughter!  Jeez, Mr. Tendo, get a grip!"
 Like a dragonfly, Soun darted from overwhelming sorrow to
complete seriousness with little warning.  "This isn't your body, Ranma," he
said in a steady voice. "You need to be careful with it.  I don't want you
causing damage to my daughter's body while you're in it."
 "Well maybe we should think of a way to get me out of it," Ranma
replied.
 The panda lumbered out of the kitchen with a steaming kettle.  He
poured it over himself, and began to shrink.
 "That's what we're working on, boy," Genma said.  "After all, you
can't marry Akane and take over the Tendo Dojo if you're Akane's own
sister!  Perhaps Tofu-Sensei will be able to help, or perhaps the master
knows a way.  Unfortunately the master's gone for the day, and we can't
have you appearing before Tofu-Sensei in that body."
 "What about the ghoul?  She knows lots of stuff."
 Soun's face darkened.  "Son, you know I don't approve of that
strange Chinese woman and her granddaughter coming around.   We will
consult with her only as a last resort."
 "For all we know," Genma said, "the cure could take days or even
weeks to discover."
 "Weeks?!?"
 "Best to wait until this evening, when Akane and Kasumi return from
school, and discuss it then."
 "What?  What am I supposed to do in the meantime?" Ranma
asked.  "I can't go to school like this!"
 "No, I'm afraid you can't," Genma said.  "The solution is obvious."
 Soun nodded in agreement.  "Until we figure a way to switch you
two back, you'll just have to pretend to be each other.  Kasumi will take
your place, and you will take hers."
 "What do you mean?  Are you nuts?  I can't be Kasumi!"
 "That's true," Soun responded, "you can't.  Nobody can be Kasumi,
not really.  Nobody could duplicate her perfection, her supreme serenity,
her beauty and openness, her careful tending of the household, and her
remarkable, upbeat personality.  No one, and especially not you.  No,
Ranma, you can only hope to imitate her, in your own, crude way..."
 "Okay, okay, I get the point!" Ranma yelled.  "Sheesh!  So how am I
supposed to do that, exactly?"
 "Well," Genma said, rubbing his chin thoughtfully.  "You can start by
washing the breakfast dishes, then going upstairs and making the beds.
Then there's laundry to do, dusting, sweeping, vacuuming, scrubbing,
moping, shopping, and cooking..."
 "That's girl's work!"
 "Have you looked in a mirror lately, boy?" Genma asked.
 "No way, pop!  I am not going to be your maid!"
 "Is that how you think of our Kasumi?" Soun growled in warning.
 "No, of course not!"  Ranma suddenly grew silent.  She held up her
hands.  "Look... I don't want to be... I'm not..."
 Soun place a hand on his shoulder.  "Don't worry son, it's not
permenant.  Just until we find a way to reverse this situation."
 "But... but... what about school?"
 "Kasumi will take your place," Soun said.
 "Look on the bright side, boy," Genma boomed out.  "Your grades
will be getting a huge boost!"
 "Hey!"
 "Face facts, boy!  You're hardly another Einstein.  The only thing
you've ever had going for you was the skill that I taught you, but with
Kasumi's help, you might actually be able to graduate!  She'll be doing you
a favor!"
 "Why you...!" Ranma lept to her feet, but just as quickly Soun was
at her side, with his hands on her shoulders.
 "Ranma, no!  I forbid you to place our Kasumi's body in danger!  As
long as you are in this form, you will refrain from fighting!"
 "I..." Ranma said, and then bowed her head.  "Okay, Mr. Tendo.  I
promise.  But," she said, looking up again, "I can't do all of that
housewife
stuff!  I don't even know how.  It's too much work, I'll mess it all up!"
 "Kasumi does it every day," Soun said.  "How difficult can it be?"
 Genma nodded.  "It may seem like a lot of work, boy, but compared
to martial arts it's really quite easy.  I've watched Kasumi do it every day
for the last year, and there's really nothing to it."
 "While you just sit there and eat and play shoji?  Did you ever offer
to help?"
 "What?  Foolish boy!  That's woman's work!"
 Ranma lept forward again, then stopped herself, remembering
Soun's admonitions.  Her face contorted in agony.  A growling, gurgling
sound emerged from her throat:  "Aaaaaaaaarghghghgh."
 Tears sprang to Soun Tendo's eyes.  "Ranma, please!  I can't bear
to hear such noises coming from my daughter!  Kasumi never sounds
anything like that!"
 "Kasumi doesn't have to put up with such abuse from my lame
excuse for a father either!" Ranma growled.
 "Never-the-less, you must school yourself.  Think as Kasumi would
think, act as Kasumi would act.  How else can you expect others to believe
that you are Kasumi, if you think and act like Ranma Saotome?"
 "Oh man... you mean I not only gotta do all the woman's work
around here, and do it without punching anyone out, but I gotta be nice to
everyone?  I gotta smile and act like nothing's wrong, that I don't really
want to pound my father into a bloody pulp?"
 Soun nodded gravely.  "It wouldn't hurt if you sang to yourself too.
Kasumi has a pleasant voice, you know."
 Ranma slumped back to the floor, her head in her hands.  "There's
no way, Mr. Tendo.  There's no way I can do all of that.  Even if I manage
to swallow my pride and anger and act like Kasumi, there's still no way I
can do all of her work.  I don't know what I'm doing... I'll need help."
 "Don't fight us on this one, boy," Genma warned.  "This situation is
all your fault, after all."
 "The boy does have a point, Genma," Soun said.  "He's never done
this before; he could use some help."
 "Soun, are you suggesting that we..."
 "I'm afraid so," Soun said.  He breathed in deeply, and Ranma
tensed.  Could it actually be that his father and Mr. Tendo were going to
prove useful for once?
 "We..." Soun said, "that is, you and I, Genma, will have to swallow
our pride..."
 "...to put aside our manly, macho ways..." Genma added.
 "...to bow to the inevitable," Soun said, "and... and... call Nadoka."
 Ranma fell to the floor, stunned.  Genma beamed.  "My thoughts
exactly, Tendo!" he exclaimed.  "An excellent suggestion!  If we do it right
now, we may still have time to get in our usual games of shogi!"

***

 "My, now wasn't that fun?"
 Akane stared open-mouthed at her sister.  "Kasumi?  Hello?  That
was a mid-term test in Economics!  I've been studying for it all week, and
while I'm sure I did pretty good, nobody in this room would describe it as
'fun'!  Are you feeling all right?"
 Kasumi smiled sweetly.  "Don't be silly, Akane!  Those questions
were really quite easy!  It was hardly as difficult as trying to plan meals
for
seven on as limited a budget as I normally have!  Are you sure you're not
exaggerating just a little?"
 A huge sweatdrop appeared at Akane's brow.  "Uh... nevermind
then, sis.  You're really something else, you know that?"  She looked her
sister over... her sister, who, at the moment, was in Ranma's body.  "You
know, sis, Ranma doesn't usually attend class as a girl.  Don't you think
you should find hot water and change back?  People might start thinking
weird things about Ranma..."  *As if they don't already,* she thought to
herself.
 Kasumi placed her hand to her cheek.  "Oh, I thought about that,
Akane, but I really don't think I'd feel comfortable... you don't really
think
Ranma will mind, do you?  If I'm going to be in his body, I'd just as soon
remain a girl for now..."
 Akane nodded in sympathy.  "That's okay, Kasumi," she said.  "I
guess Ranma would understand... I hope he'd understand.  I can't really
blame you."
 "Oh good!" Kasumi smiled again.  Akane was really having a hard
time seeing that sweet, innocent, friendly smile on the face of her stupid,
arrogant fiance.  It just wasn't natural.
 Kasumi stood up.  "Oh, look!" she said.  "Nabiki is talking to that
poor boy I hit this morning!  I should probably go over and apologize!"
 "I don't think that's necessary..." Akane began, but by that point she
was talking to empty air.  "Well," she said to herself, "this day ought to
be
interesting, if nothing else..."

 Kasumi was in the middle of her daily bargaining session with Kuno,
and had just produced her latest selection of wares when the photos were
yanked from her hand.  She glanced over her shoulder to see Ranma
staring at the photos, eyes wide.
 "Ranma," Nabiki said, "this is a private transaction that doesn't
concern you.  So if you'd be so kind, please butt out."
 "Oh, my!" Ranma exclaimed, putting her hand to her mouth.  She
glanced up, her eyes burning furiously.  "Nabiki Tendo!  If your mother
knew you were selling photos of your own sister like this... why, I don't
know what she'd do!  She's probably turning over in her grave right now!
Have you no shame?"
 Nabiki opened her mouth to reply, then closed it again, speechless.
That... that was absolutely the last thing she'd expected to hear Ranma
say.  What's more, it struck home.  Ranma was absolutely right; her
mother would almost certainly not approve.  More than that, though, was
the tone of voice, which sounded nothing like Ranma Saotome, and
everything like another person in Nabiki's life...
 "Pig-Tailed Girl!  At last you've come to accept my offerings of
love!"
 Kuno started to get up.  Nabiki slammed a book down over his
head, and he slumped back into his chair.  "Sorry, Kuno-baby," she said.
"This is important."
 "Nabiki?  Are you listening to me?"
 Nabiki's eyes narrowed as she turned back to the person who
looked for all the world like Ranma Saotome.  She'd been wondering all
morning why he was still in his girl form, but now...
 "Yes, Kasumi?" she asked.
 "I want you to apologize to Akane right now!"
 Nabiki nodded meekly, got up, and headed towards Akane, all
under the watchful eyes of Ranma.  But it wasn't Ranma after all, was it?
Nabiki laughed softly to herself.  This, she sensed, was a huge opportunity
in the making.

***

 "Man, I never knew cleaning a house could be so much work!"
Ranma sat back, studying the newly-scrubbed floor.  "What do I gotta do
next?"
 Nodoka smiled at her son... her son, who sometimes was her
daughter, her son, who was currently in the body of Kasumi.  It was a little
hard to imagine, but since she'd been reunited with her husband and her
son she'd begun to learn that being a martial artist meant all sorts of
things
she'd never initially considered.  There were ancient curses, powerful
spells and pressure-point lore, rivals and enemies, and all sorts of odd
things to consider.  Things like a spell or curse or technique that had
somehow swapped Ranma and Kasumi's minds and souls.
 There was a way to reverse it, she was certain, and it would be
discovered, she would make sure of that.  But, for the moment, her son
had become the temporary caretaker of the Tendo household, and he
needed her help.  And, strange as the situation was, she was actually
enjoying the chance to get a little closer to her son.  She was even a
little
hopeful that it would last more than a day or two; there were many things
that Ranma had yet to learn about being a man, things that his father had
been unable to teach him, and she had been waiting for opportunities to fill
in the gaps in her son's teaching.  One such opportunity was now at hand,
and with any luck, Ranma would come out of this situation a little wiser.
 "Well," Nodoka said, "we've managed most of the morning chores.
Now's a good time to plan lunch and dinner and then make a trip to the
market for supplies.  Lunch will have to be a little late, since we're a bit
behind schedule; I came as soon as I could, but we got a late start and
we've gone rather slow... then, in the afternoon, we can get to the laundry
and the dusting, before we start preparing dinner..."
 Ranma nodded tiredly.  "Okay, mom.  I'll be with you in just a
minute."  She headed down the hallway towards the toilet.

 Soun rose up before Ranma, blocking his path.   "Son, where
do you think you're going?" he said.
 "Mr. Tendo?  I just need to use the toilet..."
 Soun shook his head.  "I'm sorry, son, but I can't let you go in there.
I must protect my daughter's body from those hands of yours."
 "What the hell are you talking about, Mr. Tendo?" Ranma yelled.
"These are Kasumi's hands!  I'm in Kasumi's body, remember?  Besides,
I've been a girl before, right?  And no matter what body I'm in, this is not
something that I can simply put off!  Now step aside!"
 Soun's face fell.  "I... I'm sorry, Ranma, I just... this is so hard for me
to get used to..."
 "Well that makes two of us.  Maybe you could stop playing shogi
long enough to figure a way to switch us back..."
 Ranma shoved past Soun and into the restroom, slamming the door
behind her.

***

 At Furinkan High School, piercing screams were emanating from a
very different restroom.  This one was public, and was intended for women
only.
 "Get out of here, you pervert!"
 "KIYAAAA!  Hentai!  Get out!"
 Kasumi ran out of the restroom.  Bars of soap followed her,
bouncing off of her head.  She winced, then spun about, realizing that a
crowd had gathered, and that they were all staring at her.
 Akane stepped out of the crowd, grabbed her by the elbow, and
drug her around the corner.  "Kasumi?  Are you okay?"
 "Akane, what did I do?  I just wanted to use the facilities..."
 "You're Ranma, remember?  Even if you're in his girl-form, everyone
here at school knows he's a guy!  You can't just walk into the girl's toilet
or
the girl's locker!"
 A troubled look passed over Kasumi's face.  "I... I see.  But Akane, I
don't think I can face entering the boy's restroom!  I'll die of
embarassment!"
 Akane sighed.  "It's okay, sis.  Look, remember when Ranma was
trapped as a girl by Cologne and her cat-tongue pressure point?  That
lasted for more than a month, right?  He couldn't use the guy's or the
girl's
toilets, and he couldn't change in either the guy's or the girl's locker
rooms.
He had to use the toilet in the nurse's station; it's private and there's a
lock
on the inside.  I'll show you where it is.  Okay?"
 Kasumi nodded.  "Thank goodness!" she exclaimed.  "Thanks very
much, Akane, I appreciate it.  I guess I just never realized quite how
complicated poor Ranma's life was."
 "You have no idea," Akane muttered under her breath.

***

 Passing by the stairwell, Nodoka bent down to pick up the object
that had caught her eye.  It was a metal broach of some sort, depicting a
strange, comical monkey's head.  It was very dirty.
 *Where did this come from?* she wondered.  *Who could have
dropped such an odd piece of jewelry?*
 She carried it into the kitchen, where Kasumi -- no, that was
Ranma, she reminded herself -- was busy chopping vegetables.  She went
to the sink and washed the strange broach with soap and water.  When
she was satisfied that most of the dirt had been removed, she set it on the
windowsill to dry.
 *Eventually someone will come looking for it,* she thought.  *Until
then, it can rest here, out of the way.*

***

 Doctor Tofu finished bandaging the cut on Kasumi's forehead, then
sat back and eyed the results critically.
 "You really ought to be more careful, Ranma," he said sternly.  "Just
because you're a highly trained martial artist is no reason to be careless.
You can't be expected to dodge everything that comes your way, can
you?"
 "I... I guess not," Kasumi said.  She glanced over to Akane, who
was waiting patiently in the corner.
 "Now, then," Doctor Tofu said.  "I notice you're not yourself at the
moment.  Would you like me to heat up some water for you?"
 "No, thank you," Kasumi said.  "I think I'll be fine as a girl for now."
 "Actually, Tofu-Sensei," Akane said, "we had a question for you."
 "Yes, Akane?"
 "Have you ever heard of two people being able to switch bodies,
either on accident or on purpose?"
 Doctor Tofu frowned.  "Why do you want to know?" he asked.
 "Um... no reason in particular... we were just wondering about it,
and thought you might know the answer."
 Doctor Tofu nodded thoughtfully.  "Well, there are several different
legends that involve mind or soul transferance.  I'd have to consult my
books before I could give you any definate answers, but yes, I've read
about such things before."
 "Really?  Do you... do you think you could look into it for us?  We'd
really like to know how it's done, and how to reverse it."
 Doctor Tofu nodded.  "Certainly, Akane, I can do that.  But is there
something you want to tell me?  Someone who's in trouble, perhaps?"
 "Perhaps," Akane said, "but it's best if we don't tell you the specific
details just yet. okay?"

 As Kasumi and Akane stepped out of the Doctor's office and
headed up the street, Kasumi frowned.  "Akane, what do you think is
wrong with Tofu-Sensei?  He's usually so funny, always clowning around.
I've never seen him so serious before!  I'm worried!"
 Akane rolled her eyes.  "Kasumi, sometimes I think you're the most
dense person I've ever met."
 "What do you mean by that, exactly?"
 "I've told you before, Tofu-Sensei can be a very different person
when you're not around."
 Kasumi nodded.  "I remember you saying that, although I was never
sure I believed it.  But I was right there!"
 "No, you weren't.  Ranma was right there.  You're Ranma,
remember?"
 "Oh.  I'd forgotten already."
 "Tofu-Sensei doesn't 'clown around', as you put it, for Ranma or I.
He only does that for you."
 "How... how very odd," Kasumi said thoughtfully.  "I wonder why
that is?  He must see something in me that he doesn't see in you or
Ranma..."
 "I'd certainly say so," Akane agreed.  They walked on for a moment
in silence.
 "Maybe he thinks I need cheering up," Kasumi finally said.  "Do you
suppose that's it, Akane?  Maybe I'm too serious around him.  Maybe I
don't smile enough."
 Akane sighed as a huge sweatdrop appeared on her head.  "I don't
know, Kasumi, I... I guess that's one possibility..."

***

 Ranma and Kasumi stood facing each other, with the entire
household gathered around them.  Dinner had not yet been set, but the
two had decided that now was as good a time as any to try and end this
strange turn of events.
 "Father," Kasumi said, "I know you're trying to protect me, but really,
it's all right.  If bumping heads is the only way for Ranma and I to get
back
to our own bodies, then I'm quite willing to endure a lump on the head."
 "But Kasumi!" her father pleaded, "Saotome and I have already tried
it, and it didn't work!  Please wait until we can consult with the master or
see what Tofu-Sensei discovers!"
 Kasumi shook her head.  "Father, there's probably a reason why it
didn't work with you and Mr. Saotome.  Both of you are older, and both of
you are male.  Although young, Ranma is able to direct his ki in ways that
neither of you can.  On the other hand, I'm really not a martial artist at
all,
unlike the two of you.  Don't you see?  We don't know why, but it's already
happened to Ranma and I once, so there's a chance it will work again.  I'd
just as soon go to sleep tonight back in my own body, if that's possible, so
please don't argue with me, or scold Ranma.  It's our decision to do this."
 Ranma nodded in agreement.  It was creeping her out, watching her
body move and talk from a few feet away.  She wanted to be back in her
own body as quickly as possible, and out of Kasumi's body permenantly.
Not that there was anything wrong with her body particularly... but after
all,
it belonged to Kasumi.  People shouldn't be allowed to trade bodies like
this -- it wasn't natural.
 "I'm ready anytime you are, Kasumi," she said.
 Kasumi nodded.  "I'm ready too, Ranma.  The sooner this is over,
the better."
 "Okay, then.  Brace yourself."
 "Wah!  I can't bear to watch!" Soun cried as he fled from the room.
The rest of the household... Akane, Nabiki, Genma, and also Nodoka --
held their breath.
 Ranma stood with her feet apart, poised to attack.  Kasumi stood
with her feet together, eyes closed, hands folded in front of her.  Ranma
breathed in and out slowly, centering her ki.  It wasn't easy to
purposefully
smash one's head into another's... your instinct was to flinch, or to pull
back.  But they'd hit each other pretty hard this morning, and Ranma was
assuming that an equal force was needed to switch them back.
 Finally, without warning, she lunged.  Their heads came together
with a resounding crack, and then there were stars, and darkness.
 When Ranma opened her eyes, Soun and Akane were leaning over
her with concern on their faces.
 "Did it work?" she asked.
 "Kasumi?" Soun said, grabbing her hand, and Ranma's heart sank.
"Is that you, Kasumi?"
 "No, Mr. Tendo..." Ranma said, "I'm not Kasumi..."

***
End Part One


Sorry again for the stupid title.  This is not the first story I've written
with
"Monkey" in the title, but the other one really was about a monkey.
Remember, if the world hands you lemons, fight back!  Write something
different!
Not that I really want to drag others down with me since this is pretty much
my own mess, but if anybody else is to be blamed for the creation of this
story,  it would be KaraOhki, who got me to read her well-written fanfiction
and answered my e-mail, Joseph Palmer, for writing really really well and
answering my e-mail, and especially Ukyo Kunoji, for answering my
backhanded-complimentary e-mail, and for giving me the idea for this story
with her "Floating Soul".  Or maybe I got the idea from Kimagure Orange
Road, or Gilligan's Island, or...?
Enjoy!  And if you don't, write me anyway!

M.A. Davis  aka "Miko"
belldandy@angelic.com
http://www.fortunecity.com/tatooine/pratchett/199/