Brian <brian_kun@hotmail.com> wrote:

I remove the needle from my skin.  I lie on my bed and prepare for the
familiar rush of emotion that I know will follow.  I have been taking
the drug for almost three year's now.  This will be the final time, and

years. An apostrophe always indicates either possession (meaning
"belonging to year") or a contraction ("year is").

then the effect will become permanent.  I think back over time.  The
drug has been proven to work, I have been completely irresistible to any
male who crosses my path.  There have been only a select few in recent
memory who have been able to resist my charms.  When I have completed
this treatment I will remedy that situation.  They will not find their
wills so strong as to deny me what I want, and I want every man to bow
before me.  They will, I know, eventually.  They have no choice.  They
can only last so long.  The increase in output of pheromones effects
them in ways they cannot begin to understand.

It is true, the drug has worked faster and more effectively on some than
on others, but it has worked on all of them.  If I am ever in danger,
anyone I wish will unerringly come to my defense.  If I am ever done
harm, I will be avenged in the most brutal fashion imaginable.

No man can resist me.  No woman can stop me.  If I want something, I'll
take it.  If I am ever jailed I will be set free.

I have barely enough time to gasp before the wave is upon me.  I ride
the euphoria, and I revel in it.  It lasts much longer this time. 
Usually taking only a few minutes before settling.

Sentence fragment.

 I am now well into the teens.

Robbing the cradle, eh? (You may want to re-word this.)

 Perhaps this time, the wave will not cease.  The rush begins
to decline.  Then again, perhaps it will.

This is kinda confusing, the way you put one thought sandwiched inside
another. Maybe if you rewrote it something like

Perhaps this time, the wave will not cease.  Then again, I think as I
feel the rush begin to decline, perhaps it will.

I feel more confident now, than I have ever felt.  I know the effect to
be permanent.  I know that the effect of the drug has increased almost a
hundredfold.  I know that any man I should speak to or come in contact
with will be helpless before me.  My breathing settles as the last rush
of pure ecstasy completes itself.

Getting a little repetitive here. If you feel the points still aren't
made, try describing some specific instances where the drug has affected
people, instead of just saying things over again.

I rise, somewhat uneasily as I am still recovering, and I step out of my
room.  I head towards the bottom floor.  I retrace my plan in my mind. 
Those who have resisted so far will fall.  I am now unstoppable.  No man
can do me harm, they would sooner die than allow that to happen.  I
smile inwardly to myself as I think this.  I count off in my head the
names of those who have managed to resist me so far.  There are only
four that come to mind.  They will fall easily.  One almost had before.

Let's see... Mousse, Tofu, and presumably Ranma... who's the fourth?

Overall impression: it's an intriguing idea, but it leaves a lot needing
to be explained. The character in this story is very much changed from
the one we know. How did that happen? I'm not saying that it's
impossible, but you have to do some work to convince us that it is.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics