Gratuitous Self
Part 9: Smile When You Say That
"Stop it!!!" screamed Bob. "Do I have to douse you with water to
make you stop writing?!"
"Nuhhhh..." was all Takezo said as his fingers flew across the
keyboard.
"Nuhhhh? NUHHH?! Stop it, Takezo! You'll write your way to a
nervous breakdown this way!!!" Bob frantically shook Takezo. "I don't
want to wait 10 years for the next part of Turning Road!"
"Hey." Takezo stopped typing for a moment to glare at Bob. "I'm
not Robert Jordan, you know. I'm just trying to get part 8 out before
Kojiro or Templar get their version out."
"But you have to rest! You must be tired after writing Part 6
and 7 in two consecutive days! C'mon, just relax and let yourself
relax..."
"Bob."
"Yes?"
Takezo gave Bob a hooded look. "If you wanna play X-Com 3 on my
PC now, why don't you just ask?"
Bob's eyes widened, then he shrugged. "Fine. Can I --"
"No. I'm busy."
"AAAGH!!! I'm going to throttle the life outta you!!!"
-----
He had fled.
Ranma could just hear Kuno now. That fool Saotome had fled like
the coward he is.
Damn it. What made him run to the school rooftop, exactly? Was
it the way Kuno grinned smugly at him as the challenge was thrown? Was
it the challenge itself?
"All you have to do is tell Akane you love and I'll never bother
her again."
Was it the challenge at all? Was it even Kuno at all?
Or was it something else?
That look on Akane's face... Not hate, not anger, not even
sadness.
Uncertainty.
Damn it.
Takezo watched impatiently as Kuno paid the bill, stood up,
chivalrously helped Akane up to her feet, opened the door for her,
watch her exit, and exited himself. With an audible 'tsk' Takezo got
up, walked over to the table where the waitress was carrying away the
remnants of the food and drink Kuno and Akane had, and took the napkin
holder-cum-tape recorder. Walking back to where Nabiki was seated, and
settling down in his own seat, he irritably flipped the tape recorder
on the table, nearly toppling over his half-empty cup of coffee.
"Well," he finally said, "now what?"
Nabiki took her glorious time with the last of her own coffee,
obscuring Takezo's view of her face with the bottom of the white
porcelain cup.
She wasn't answering him.
Takezo's lips curled in impatience. "Now what?" he repeated.
Nabiki finally put the cup down on the saucer with an audible
clink. "You know," she said, "this is all your fault."
Takezo scowled. "And where do you base that fancy piece of
logic, pray tell?"
"Simple," Nabiki replied. "My scams, er, plans, always work. But
I usually work alone on them. Since this is my first failure, I can
blame it on the fact that I'm unaccustomed with working with an
idiot."
Takezo snorted, so strongly that some of the paper napkins that
had scattered on the table fluttered for a moment. Damn this woman, he
thought. "Yeah, well, whatever. You still haven't answered how we'll
salvage this little operation of ours."
"Well," she said, "for one thing, there's that little piece of
evidence over there." She motioned to the tape recorder. "Another
thing we can count on is Akane's love for Ranma, and vice versa."
The simple raise of an eyebrow expressed Takezo's disbelief.
"Come again?"
Nabiki lifted the cup to finish off the last of her coffee,
which had remarkably survived the last thirty second outing. "Akane's
love for Ranma and vice versa. Are you deaf or something?"
Takezo couldn't find any other way to express any more
disbelief, so he used his voice. "Are you nuts? What love are you
talking about? Those two are always chewing each other out like they
hate each other! And you expect me to believe that those two are in
love?"
Nabiki put the cup back down. "Yep."
Takezo threw up his hands. "That's the stupidest thing I have
ever heard. What kind of guy would express his love for a girl by
snapping at her all the time? Ditto the girl."
Nabiki smirked. "They're not expressing his love, they're hiding
it. Overcompensating, if you will."
Takezo shrugged. "Whatever. You still haven't answered the
question. What kind of person would overcompensate for his or her own
love by masking it in anger?"
Nabiki stared at him silently.
Takezo flushed in realization.
-----
Still pretty sore from not being able to play, Bob looked up
from the manuscript and glanced at Takezo, who was taking a little
respite from writing since posting the fanfic to warm up his Super
Famicom. He had put in his favorite 16-bit fighting game and was now
using Heavy Arms to pummel a poor defenseless Deathscythe.
More parallelism in his writing, Bob thought. Is he doing this
on purpose?
Bob's mind snapped back to the unplayed X-Com 3 CD lying on top
of the PC's mini tower. He stared at it in a gnawing feeling of
wastefulness.
Nah, he thought. It's probably another fluke.
-----
Kojiro watched two figures in trench coats leave the caf�.
"There goes Takezo with my girl," he commented to Ukyo.
"Ask me if I care," Ukyo said between sips of her milk shake.
Her THIRD milkshake.
Kojiro was starting to get annoyed. "Fine, then. I will."
"Go ahead," Ukyo replied without looking up.
"Do you care?" he asked defiantly.
"No."
Where is Kuno leading me? Akane thought.
The park was rather peaceful at this time. Sunset. Several
couples milled through the pathways, some happy, some not so. Signs of
activity from the vegetation a little off the path did little to allay
Akane's fears.
Not that she minded Kuno's company right now, though. He was a
lot better this way. He still had that air of supreme self-confidence
about him, same as before. It was just that it was so much more...
charming, without that mask of utter pretentiousness about him.
"Is there something on my face?" Kuno asked her.
She gave a start, and she realized she was staring at him. "Um,
no, it's nothing."
"Okay," he said. He smiled at her, that amazing, wonderful,
simple smile, and they continued walking.
It was a thing to behold, that smile. She would probably never
get over how he was, smiling that way. It gladdened her in a way she
never thought possible. She saw its kind so rarely, the kind of smile
that would not only show on a person's mouth, but also in a person's
eyes.
It gladdened her, and yet it saddened her, somehow.
Ranma almost never smiled this way.
-----
Bob felt a sudden pang of sadness. How very... odd, he thought.
That this feeling could be evoked by a self-insertion fic.
Bob stared at Takezo. The screen flashed as Lavos fell to a
well-timed Delta Attack.
You're wasting your talents, Takezo.
Or are you?
-----
Ukyo stood on the school rooftop, silently watching the lonely
figure near the edge of the building. She looked on as Ranma stared
sullenly at the setting sun.
I could go over to him now and comfort him, like I usually do,
she thought. Then he'd be all mine, at least for a while...
Thoughts of Ranma's smile filled Ukyo's head. He would smile at
her every time she tried to cheer him up, and she would smile back,
but there would be something there, some nagging feeling she would
push aside to one corner of her mind. She was content to be there, to
console him when he needed consoling. That... nagging thing didn't
matter for now, she always thought to herself, as she listened to him
speak.
But now it did, and now she knew what it was.
The smile would be happier if it were for someone else.
Ukyo shook her head. Not this way, she thought. I won't have you
this way, Ranma. I'm sorry, but I can't console you. Not right now.
Not this way.
She turned to leave, with an odd mixture of relief and regret
that he wouldn't ever know she was there.
Kojiro tailed the trench-coated pair back to the Tendo Dojo. He
nimbly leapt over the fence and hid atop a tree as he watched the
light in Nabiki's room go on.
It can't be, he thought. She can't be taking him over to...
GASP! Her room!
Sure enough, the two of them were in there. Takezo, the stinking
rat-bastard, placed a napkin holder on her desk. That creep! Not only
did he steal my girl, Kojiro thought, he stole a napkin holder, too!
Someone must stop his evil before it's too late! Like when he might do
worse things, like rip the tabs off pillows!
What were they talking about? Kojiro couldn't quite make it out.
There seemed to be someone else talking in the room, since Nabiki and
Takezo's mouths weren't moving.
Omigod! The napkin holder was talking! It must be a disguised
oni Takezo is using to corrupt my sweet innocent Nabiki!
Whatever it was that had failed to connect in Kojiro's mind
finally got the chance to after some of the trunk lines of his brain
decongested.
Get a grip, genius, it's probably a tape recorder disguised as a
napkin holder, Kojiro thought wryly. This is obviously some scam
Takezo cooked up. Oh, my Nabiki, never fear. I'll save you from that
heathen somehow, just you wait... I'll prove myself more worthy of
your love than that creep...
"All you have to do is tell Akane you love her and I'll never
bother her again."
In disgust Takezo switched off the recorder and flung it on the
bed, where it landed next to where Nabiki was seated. "So what the
heck do we do about this, Nabiki?"
"I'm thinking, okay?" Nabiki snapped. "This is tougher than I
thought."
"Tougher, nothing!" Takezo said in disgust. "There is absolutely
nothing on this tape that we can use for anything! No blackmail, no
selling to fanboys, nothing!"
"No selling to fanboys? Are you sure?" asked Nabiki. "You know,
some people make a good living that way."
What were they talking about? What was Nabiki thinking, letting
that stinking rat-bastard into her room like that? What if he jumped
her? What if he took advantage of what appeared like momentary
weakness on her part?
Did I just think weakness of my goddess? thought Kojiro. My
goddess! Blasphemy!
Kojiro, perched atop a branch, began the Ritual of Purification
in order to cleanse himself of his sin of free thought. This involved
several complicated steps, one of them the bath of 5000 yen.
"Well," Nabiki finished, "if we can't beat him..."
"Join him?" Takezo tried to finish.
"Nope. Work around him," Nabiki said with what looked like a
smug grin.
Takezo looked at Nabiki. "What do you mean?"
"Simple," Nabiki said. "If we can't sell the tape to fanboys, we
sell something else to fangirls."
"Fangirls?" Takezo said, puzzled.
"Yes. We simply..." Nabiki turned to the window, behind Takezo.
"What IS that sound?"
"Oh, that," Takezo said. "It's Kojiro. He's bathing himself in
100-yen coins on top of the tree by your window."
Nabiki raised an eyebrow. "You mean, you knew he was out there
all the time and you didn't tell me?"
Takezo shrugged. "I figured you'd sent him to make sure I don't
do anything untoward to you."
Nabiki chuckled. "No, I didn't. He looks pathetic, doesn't he?"
"You mean the way he tags along with you like a lost puppy?
Whether you want him to or not?" Takezo smirked. "He sure does." He
suddenly stopped, and gave Nabiki a concerned look. "Do I do that?"
"Huh? Oh, no," Nabiki said.
Takezo crossed his arms. "I thought you liked men who grovel."
Nabiki didn't answer.
"Let's go this way. It's shorter."
And with that Kuno pulled Akane off the path and into the woods.
NOW Akane was getting scared. Where WAS Kuno leading her?
"C'mon! This way!"
Ukyo, walking through the park, saw everything.
-----
John Smith took a break from writing his thesis, 'Effects of N2
on the Attack Patterns of Sachiel' and warmed up his mailer. He
immediately spotted 'Turning Road 8' and began to read idly.
Templar was fast asleep on his bed, snoring loudly. He had been
up all night, finishing off his version of Turning Road 8. He had
decided to post it in the morning, and then he promptly went to sleep.
Boy, is he going to be ticked, John thought.
Pretty soon, he had forgotten about Sachiel and N2 and Crusaders
and knew only the fanfic before him.
-----
Now, Kojiro thought. On the count of three, I'm going to leap
over to the window, smash through, and rescue Nabiki from the heathen.
Yeah, that's it.
He steeled himself, took a deep breath and began to count.
"One..."
"Ranma," Ukyo called out.
Ranma gave a start. "Ucchan," he called back down from the top
of the school building. "What is it?"
"Kuno is leading Akane into the woods. You'd better do
something." Ukyo called out, keeping her voice as even as possible.
"He is?! Why that stinking..." He stood up to go, but then he
turned to Ukyo. "Hey, thanks, Ucchan!" With that he leaped off.
After a while, Ukyo finally said, "You're welcome." She turned
to go herself. "I'm just too proud to take him like this, I guess..."
"Two..."
Nabiki watched Takezo walk up to the side of the window.
"Takezo, what are you doing?"
Takezo faced Nabiki. "Huh? Oh, this."
"Three! Banzai!!!"
Takezo opened the window, and in fell Kojiro.
"Hey hey, Kojiro!" Takezo smirked. "Nice of you to drop by! Did
you need anything?"
Nabiki stifled a laugh. Oh, these two...
"Onore!" Kojiro began to lunge at Takezo, but stopped when he
looked at Nabiki. He then flushed beet red and grinned sheepishly.
"Uh, uh, Nabiki-san! I, I... eheh, I was in the neighborhood, and I
thought I'd just, you know..."
"Drop by," Takezo finished.
"Yeah, yeah, that's it!" Kojiro got up, brushed himself off, and
climbed back out the window. "Well, been nice seeing you, Nabiki! You
too, Takezo!" He waved. "Bye now!"
With that, Kojiro leaped out backwards.
"Well," Takezo said as he started to leave, "I guess I'd better
get going too."
"Okay," Nabiki said. "Take---"
A loud splash erupted from outside.
Nabiki turned to look and saw Kojiro floating in the koi pond in
Takahashi fashion. That Kojiro...
She turned back to look at Takezo, but he had already gone.
"...care," she finished.
Damn it, who knows what Kuno might be doing to Akane right now,
Ranma thought frantically as he ran through the park.
"Shorthaired girl and a guy, right? Sure I seen 'em. Just went
through the woods thataway."
Ranma didn't even stop to thank the guy. Ranma just blazed
through the thick vegetation, and ran, and ran, and ran, and...
In after what seemed to be an eternity, the underbrush started
to thin out, and Ranma leaped over what appeared to be a wall. He
landed on a strangely familiar street. He followed it down, mind
partly on Akane and Kuno, and partly trying to figure out what this
street was...
Suddenly it dawned on him. "Hey! This is..."
"Thanks for today, Kuno," he heard Akane say, in front of the
Tendo dojo gate. "I enjoyed it very much."
"Well, I'm glad you did. Let's do it again, sometime." Kuno said
with that disgusting smile of his.
"Sure!" Akane then noticed Ranma, standing there. "Ra... Ranma."
She fell silent.
"Ah, Ranma, there you are," Kuno said. "Well, what do you say?
The offer still stands."
-----
"Now!" cried John Smith. "Tell her now!"
A "Nuhhhhhhh..." came from the direction of Templar, or 'J'.
Whatever. "Whuz' goin' on?"
"Shaddup!" snapped John. "I'm trying to read here!"
"Read?" 'J' said, sitting up. "Read what?"
"Turning Road 8."
"But I thought I already let you pre-read the thing? Why read it
again?" 'J' asked.
"Not your TR 8," John replied, "Takezo's TR 8."
"Takezo's? What do you mean, Takezo's?" 'J' demanded.
"This one," John answered. "The one he just posted."
"What?!" 'J' exclaimed. "He beat me to it again?!"
"Yep."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"
"And now," High Commander Sasaki Kojiro said to another full
audience of the Crusaders of Nabiki Tendo, "it gives me great pleasure
to present to you my installment of Turning Road."
"Uh, High Commnder, sir," said an older Knight, "is it Turning
Road 9?"
"No, of course not," said Kojiro irritably. "It's Turning Road
8."
"Well, um, that's bad, sir."
"And why is that?" asked Kojiro.
"Well," said the Knight, fidgeting, "the Heretic has beaten you
to it again, sir."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"
-----
He ran.
Ranma could just hear Kuno now. That fool Saotome ran like the
coward he is.
Damn it. What made him run to the dojo rooftop, again? Was it
the way Kuno grinned smugly at him as the offer was given? Was it the
offer itself?
"Well, what do you say? The offer still stands."
Was it the offer at all? Was it even Kuno at all?
Or was it something else?
That look on Akane's face...
Disappointment.
Damn it.
Takezo stared at the ceiling as he lay in his bunk. What was
that woman's game? Why did she act the way she did? What did she mean,
'fangirls'? What were they going to do about Kuno?
He sighed. Ah, well, he thought. At least my room's peaceful. At
least I can lie in peace. I wonder why that is, though. Just as well.
He heard a knock on the door. "Yo, Takezo, can I come in?"
"Sure," he said.
The door opened, and a tall, brown-haired guy came in. "Hey,
Musashi, how's it goin'?"
Takezo sat up and climbed down the bunk. "Oi, Mitsuru! Ah, well,
same old."
The guy, the disgustingly handsome dorm head Ikeda Mitsuru sat
down at the table in the center of the room, putting down two cans of
orange juice. "Oh, really now? My informants have told me of your
little expedition in a trench coat."
How he find that out? "Oh, you know, huh?"
"Yeah, well..." Mitsuru opened his can and took a swig. "How is
that Nabiki? Still the sneaky little devil, huh?"
"She sure is." Takezo opened his can and started to lift it up
to his mouth when... "Hey, wait a minute. What do you mean, 'still'?"
Mitsuru put his can down. "'Still' as in, as before. Why?"
Takezo leaned over from his side of the table. "You know her?"
Mitsuru smirked. "You might say that. She and I go waaaaaaay
back."
Takezo was surprised. "How? How'd you know her? You go to a
different high school! An all-boys one, no less!"
"How? As in literally, figuratively, or biblically?" joked
Mitsuru.
"You know what I mean."
"Okay, okay," said Mitsuru. "Well, it was summer, we met at the
beach and the summer festival, and I didn't know she was how she is."
In the foreground, a super-deformed Kisaragi Shun popped up.
"For more information, see the video for DoCo's 'Owaranai Natsu
Yasumi'."
-----
John Smith slapped his forehead. "That's who the silhouetted guy
was in that video? That's incredible!"
"Heathen! Heathen! Heathen!" 'J' was jumping around, raving like
a madman.
John smacked him with a boot. "Aw, shaddup!"
Bob grinned slightly after reading this part. He once again
glanced over at Takezo, who was presently making Locke cast Ultima in
an attempt to beat Kefka.
This guy is completely nuts. Then Bob thought for a moment. It
makes perfect sense, though...
-----
"And?" asked Takezo.
"And," continued Mitsuru, "it was amid a field of sunflowers..."
"Oh, no," said Shinobu as he entered the room, "not the Nabiki
story again."
"Yes, the Nabiki story," Mitsuru said. "Have a seat. Anyway, to
make a long story short, I kind of, well, we..."
"Never met again, partly because you had to part ways at the end
of summer vacation," interrupted Shinobu, opening his own can of
juice, "partly because she doesn't know you're around, since you told
her you had to return to Ikeda Temple, and partly because you're too
insecure to meet her again, because of her little reputation. Frankly,
I don't understand what your problem is, Mitsuru. So she's cold,
insensitive, and selfish. Personally, I find that very attractive in a
woman."
"That's not it!" exclaimed Mitsuru.
"Insecure? Mitsuru? In the same sentence?" Takezo asked,
incredulously. "That's completely unheard of!"
"Oh, don't let his self-confident demeanor fool you," Shinobu
said between pulls of his juice. "Underneath that utterly
disconcerting air of charm and cheerfulness and self-confidence lies a
mass of worry and indecision. Why, just this morning he was having
trouble with one of his life's toughest questions --- What strength
hair spray to use."
"Aw, put a sock in it, Shinobu," Mitsuru snapped, gulping down
his own orange juice and smacking Shinobu on his lavender-colored
hair.
Should... Should I ask him? thought Takezo, gripping his own can
of juice between his hands. I don't know if it'd be appropriate...
"What's the matter, Takezo?" asked Mitsuru, slamming down his
can on the tabletop. "Speak up."
"Well, I don't know it I should..." said Takezo, hesitating.
"Takezo, where's your best friend, Kojiro?" asked Shinobu
suddenly.
"I dunno..." answered Takezo to the unexpected question. "Hey!
No wonder my room was so peaceful!"
"You had something to say, Takezo?" Mitsuru said.
"Oh, right..." Takezo paused for a moment, then... "I have
something to ask you, Mitsuru..."
"Yes? What is it?" asked Mitsuru.
"Well..."
"Yes?" Mitsuru leaned forward.
"Well... When are we going to wise up and get beer? I'm getting
tired of orange juice."
-----
"My Lord Commander! Please say something!"
"Uh..." Kojiro's head felt like it was filled with Bavarian
cream. Bad Bavarian cream. "What... what happened?"
"You kinda zoned out for a while, milord."
"Ah, yes, well, where was I?" Kojiro could sort of make it
out... "Ah yes. As I was saying, it gives me great honor to present to
you my installment of Turning Road 8!"
"But sir, I already told you, the Heretic has posted his own
installment already. Sir? Sir? Are you alright?"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"
"Sometimes," Bob said, "I think you'll never finish writing this
fic."
"I may just yet," Takezo replied between Rocket Punches on Dr.
Wily's UFO. "But, since I'm enjoying myself, why rush it?"
"True," Bob said. "By the way, have you heard from either Kojiro
or Templar lately?"
"As a matter of fact, no," replied Takezo. "They've been very
quiet lately. I wonder why?"
In Part 10: What is Nabiki up to? What does she mean by 'working
around'? Where does Takezo stand with her? Where is Kojiro hiding out?
And where does Mitsuru fit in all of this? Will anyone finally figure
out what 'J' stands for? Who knows?
Finally, after much wait, Part 9 is finished. My thanks and
apologies to all those who waited, and waited for it. I hope that this
installment is up to your expectations. Or maybe not. Anyway, I hope
you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoy writing it.
Gratuitous Scorecard:
Nervous breakdown: 5 pts. And the hope that it doesn't happen,
otherwise, when the heck are we getting Book 8 of the Wheel of time?
Heavy Arms/Deathscythe: 5 pts. for the series, 10 pts. for the
Super Famicom game name.
Lavos/Delta Attack: 5 pts. for the game, and a 'Please tell me
where she is!' for all those who found Schala.
N2/Sachiel: 5 pts. for the series.
The name of Takezo's dorm: 10 pts. for the English name, 15 more
for the Japanese one.
Owaranai Natsu Yasumi: The song itself: 5 pts. Title in English:
10 pts. OAV it can be found: 5 pts.
Locke/Ultima/Kefka: 5 pts.
Rocket Punch/Wily: Game series: 5 pts. Exact game: 5 more pts.
And the thirty point bonus question always asked: What does 'J'
stand for?
Until Part 10, ja matta!
TimeRunner, August 17, 1997
=====
TimeRunner's Page:
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Towers/7482
icq: 7153134 (Keiichi)
=====
"The story grew in the most convoluted way, as many people will be
surprised to learn. Writing episodically meant that when I finished one
episode I had no idea about what the next one would contain. When, in the
twists and turns of the plot, some event suddenly seemed to illuminate
things that had gone before, I was as surprised as anyone else."
--- Douglas Adams, "A Guide to the Guide"
"Mos people who want to be writers don't really want to be writers. They
want to HAVE BEEN writers."
--- James A. Michener