Gratuitous Self
Part 4: The FFML At War
Takezo decided to check his mail for new messages before posting
his...revenge on the FFML.
"Hey," he said to himself. "The flame mail seems to have abated.
Heh, it's probably because they think they've landed the coup d'grace
on me with that 'Retaliation Fic'. Little do they know..."
"Hmm....'Area 8801, TTS Airbats'. What is this, a crossover?"
"'Don't just sit there, do something about this Retaliation Fic
business!' I am, I am, okay?"
"'Magical Knight Reigun'. Huh?"
"'I loved your work on part 3...' I didn't DO part three, okay?"
"'The Goddess will...' *sigh*" *paku*
By this point, Takezo had already developed a reflex against
such flame messages, which enabled him to press the 'delete' button
without even thinking. Still, he couldn't help but repress a sigh...
"'Area 88th Man After.' Huh? Is Area 88 experiencing a
resurgence of popularity?"
"Short Green Tea.'" After deciding that 'yaoi' just wasn't his
bag of tea, and struggling with his conscience, he decided NOT to
flame the author, because it appeared other people seemed to like it,
and he figured everybody was entitled to his or her own opinion.
"'That's 1/2 My Goddess, Part 6.' FINALLY!" Takezo decided to
take break to read the 'fic for a while.
Afterwards, he sent a very nasty letter to the Scriviner
concerning the cliffhanger end to the
'fic, knowing that it'd be several weeks before the Scriviner'd get
around to writing the next part.
"'I have deleted the mailing list. You have 48 hours to resub.'"
Quickly, Takezo checked the date of posting, looked at his watch,
looked in Control Panel to find the difference in timezones, did some
quick calculations in his head, and decided it wasn't worth the
trouble and immediately resubbed anyway.
"The Goddess..." Takezo immediately deleted that particular
piece of mail, which was really too bad, since it was this really cool
spoof of a song by 'The Goddess Family Club'; consequently, he was in
the dark several hours later when everyone was raving about it.
"'Confessions of a Full-time Moocher'. Oh, look, a story about
Kinnosuke."
"'Read this, it's really funny.....blahblabblah, a man who
didn't pass on this letter fell in cursed spring months later, this is
no joke....AAAARGH! DAMN CHAIN LETTERS!!!"
Having finally sifted though his entire mailbox for the day, he
immediately posted his 'revenge', and left for class, thinking little
of it for the rest of the day.
For some other people, however, it was an entirely different
matter.
"How goes the campaign against the heretic, Takezo Musashi?"
"The reactions on the mailing list have been mixed, High
Commander," Kojiro said to his liege, as well as a packed Grand Hall
of the Goddess. The ranks of the Holy Crusaders of Nabiki Tendo were
swelling with new Initiates, who were joining because of the fervor
stirred up by the Heretic Crusade. Consequently, the server hosting
KowaiMUCK (for that was what the Hall of the Goddess was, a room in
KowaiMUCK) was groaning under the strain, or rather, it would be, if
it were only made of wood. Or if it were a person. Or a mule.
Whatever.
"How so?"
"Some lauded our efforts in smiting the heretic. In which
thereafter I invited them to join the Crusaders, an invitation which
they heartily accepted." This drew a smattering of applause from the
largely Initiate audience, which died under the ' : disapprovingly
glares at you' poses of the veteran Knights.
"And I congratulate you, in aiding the cause by recruiting more
willing souls to our cause. However, you did mention something about
mixed reaction...?"
"Yes, my liege. Others have declared outrage concerning our
tactics."
"No matter. There will always those sentimental fools in war who
cry foul at what we call mere superior tactics. And what of the
heretic himself?"
"Sire, he has not posted since..."
"SIRE!"
Both the High Commander and Lord Crusader Kojiro Sasaki turned
to look at the rude interruption with disgust. The rest of the
assembly emitted a gasp at the blatant breach of etiquette.
The Initiate, noticing all the eyes on him, immediately started
stammering while typing. This seems strange, until one realizes that
if one's fingers are shaking while typing, one's output would most
probably look like this...
"SSSorry, miilord, buut I havve immporttannt newws forr thhe
asssembly."
"Well?" said Kojiro. "Out with it, before I impeach you for
interrupting me."
"YYes, miilord! I amm on tthe FFFML riight noww, miilord,, and I
jjust reccieved a lettter fromm thhe herretic!!"
The High Commander simply smiled.
Kojiro, however, was all impatience. "What does it say? Tell
us!"
"I can''t miilord! I can''t briing myselff to uttter suchh
blassphemy!"
"He has a point, Lord Crusader," said the High Commander.
"Methinks we should see this for ourselves."
Kojiro nodded, and opened his mail reader program in another
window. He was totally unaware of the collective gasp taking place in
his MUD Client, as he was caught up in his own...
---
"Turning Road, Part 4"
By Takezo Musashi
---
Part four?! PART FOUR?! thought Kojiro in a blind fury. He dares
to play MY GAME?!
---
In class, Nabiki and Takezo sat one chair apart from each other,
which was, strangely enough, now occupied by Kojiro. They were both
now speaking to Kojiro, although not each other, which made for a
pretty confused new transfer student.
---
And he uses MY CONTINUITY!? What.....what utter gall!
Somewhere, in the nether reaches of probability, an omnipotent
being, known as The Reader, chuckled to himself because of the
complete irony of it all.
---
"So, Kojiro, where you from?" Nabiki asked in that voice that
set Takezo's teeth on edge.
"Oh...um, me? I'm an exchange student..."
---
NOOOO! He's degrading me into the gratuitous self-insertion
cliche rut! He's...this...what....I....
Losing all ability for coherent speech, Kojiro nonetheless
continued reading...like a deer caught in the headlights of an 18-
wheeler...
---
"Oh, that's really interesting..."
Oh, that's really interesting, thought Takezo in a mocking tone
of...er...thought. What's she being nice to this guy for, anyway?
But, oblivious to the 'look that kills' from Takezo, Kojiro was
in seventh heaven.
"I-I-I..."
Later, after classes, Nabiki, Takezo and Kojiro were enjoying
their okonomiyakis at 'Ucchan's'.
"Here you go..." said Ukyo, handing okonomiyakis to the three,
as well as a very familiar looking dishelved-haired guy in a green
shirt, who said, "Wow, great!" The guy started to eat, but then his
okonomiyaki disappeared in a blur. Ukyo ran out shouting, 'Stop
thief!'
Oblivious to all this, Kojiro was certainly enjoying himself.
Here he was, first day in Nerima and already he had this pretty girl
talking to him, smiling at him...
"Oh!" said Nabiki as she noticed Kojiro's bandaged hand.
"Where'd you get these?"
"I'm....I'm...I'm a martial artist. Those bruises are from my
sensei. He'd always hit my hand with a bokken if he thought I wasn't
trying hard enough."
"Awww...." said Nabiki. "Poor Kojiro...." And with that, she
took his hand and held in in both of hers, rubbing the bruises...
Kojiro's free hand fumbled for tissue to wipe his bleeding nose.
Somewhere on the hot plate, Kojiro's poor burning okonomiyaki
lay, forgotten....
----
Oh my god I'm so pathetic what I'm making a fool out of myself in
front of our goddess my god this can't be happening hey look it's a
'So Many Memories' reference my god please tell me I'm dreaming my
god...
---
Actually, 'enjoying' was a loose term, because Takezo was NOT
having a good time. He did not show this, though, and instead started
complimenting Ukyo, who had returned from outside empty-handed and had
started to cook another for the guy in the green shirt, who looked
very familiar to Takezo. "This stuff is great! You're a great cook,
Ukyo-san!"
Ukyo scratched the back of her head and grinned sheepishly.
"Heheh. Thanks. I never get tired of hearing that."
"Well, I'm telling it to you again. You're a great cook!"
'Enjoying' DID apply to Nabiki though, as she watched Takezo's
'feeble attempts' at hiding his jealousy. Look at him, she thought.
Trying to change the topic by talking to Ukyo...
"No, I really think you'd make a good wife."
EH?!
Ukyo blushed slightly at Takezo's remark.
"Huh? Oh, no! I meant you'd make a good wife for Ranma!"
"Oh. OH. Okay."
Nabiki emitted what she thought was an inaudible grunt of
displeasure.
---
Blasphemy! Oh blasphemy! She'd never be jealous of anybody! Never!
Wait! I know! She's simply annoyed that her techniques don't seem to
be working all that well on Takezo! Yeah! That's it!
Actually, Kojiro was correct to a certain extent.
---
Takezo stole a glance at Nabiki, and saw her cool exterior drop
for a moment...He heard her grunt...What's wrong with her, he thought.
What did I do this time? I...
For a moment he stared in surprise. No, he thought. It...it
can't be! It just can't be! But the look on her face! Can this be
true?
Takezo's mouth curled into a sinister grin. Which he stifled by
stuffing it with some okonomiyaki. "I'll say it again! This is great!"
---
No! He can't be doing this! He can't! He just can't!!!
---
This calls for some serious action, thought Nabiki as she
continued talking and smiling at Kojiro. "Um, Kojiro..."
"Ye..yes?
"Don't you have something to ask me?"
"I...Actually, I do..."
It was now Takezo's turn to grunt, which he did through a smile
at Ukyo.
"Yes, Kojiro? What is it?", said Nabiki in that sickeningly
sweet voice.
"Would you....um....would you like to go out on a date with me?"
"I'd love to! I'm happy to know that you like me too!"
I've heard that line before, thought Takezo..."You hear that,
Ukyo?"
"Uh-huh. So?"
"That's great! That means we can....DOUBLE DATE!"
Nabiki looked at Takezo in shock, which did not show on her
face. "Double date?"
Ukyo also looked at Takezo, although her look was questioning.
Takezo turned to her, which meant he'd turned his back to Nabiki. He
winked at her and mouthed the words 'I'll explain later say yes
already'.
"Yes!" said Ukyo. "I'd love to go out with you!"
---
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
---
A while later, after Kojiro and Nabiki had gone, Ukyo confronted
Takezo. "Alright, mister, what's this about a double date?"
"Call me Takezo."
"Alright, Takezo. You have some explaining to do."
"Okay, listen here, Ukyo....may I call you Ukyo?"
"Go on."
"Ukyo, I'm taking you out on a date 'cause..."
"You realize that I have a fiance."
Takezo blinked at the interruption. "Yes....Anyway, I asked you
out because..."
"Because you want to keep an eye on those two, yeah, I know.
I've heard of your date with Ms. Moneybags. What's in it for me?"
"What do you want?"
"Hmm..." Ukyo held her chin and started thinking..."I know. You
can wash my dishes and help me clean up this place for the next two
weeks."
"No prob. It's a deal." Takezo and Ukyo shook hands. "Wait a
sec. Don't you have that ninja-girl to do your dishes?"
"He's a guy, okay?"
"A guy? Could've fooled me. Where is he by the way?"
"He's gone on vacation in Hokkaido."
"Hokkaido? How could he afford to go to Hokkaido? I hear you
don't pay him much. If at all."
"Simple. He just up and walked."
---
Back in the Hall of the Goddess, the Crusaders' Assembly was in
total chaos. Several Initiates (and quite a number of the Knights, as
well) had taken into spouting gibberish into the dying server. The
elder Knights attempted to restore order by 'sweeping' some of the
more panicky Initiates from the Hall, to no avail, since they kept
coming back to spout more gibberish.
The Lord High Commander simply kept silent, and grimly continued
on reading, thinking up fitting ways to punish the errant Knight,
Kojiro Sasaki.
Somewhere in the heart of madness, Kojiro Sasaki could not help
but repress a sneeze as he continued reading the fourth part of
'Turning Road'...
---
"Okay then, Ukyo. It's a deal!"
And with that, the date was set. Takezo bid Ukyo farewell and
started off on the long walk to his all-boy dormitory, slinging his
bag over his shoulder.
Heheh, I couldn't have planned it better myself, though Takezo.
This way, I get revenge on Nabiki, AND I get to go on a date with that
kawaii Ucchan!
Since Takezo didn't have any moustaches to twirl, he simply
smiled to himself, and sung a song that, oddly enough, had just popped
into his head as he saw his dorm in the distance.
"WE ARE THE NO-BRAND HEROES!!!"
---
Kojiro was abruptly shaken out of his stupor by this reference.
"Wh-wha....He's good!"
---
"Oi, Takezo!"
"Hey, Mitsuru! What's up!"
"Your replacement roommate just got here."
Takezo blinked. "Why? What happened to the old one that was
supposed to get here yesterday?"
"Apparently, he had some sort of accident involving some guy
with a katana."
"Oh." Takezo suddenly breathed in, in realization.
"Oh......boy......"
"Anyway, the new one's waiting up in your room."
"Thanks."
Takezo hurried up the stairs and threw the door open to find....
---
"Me," said Kojiro.
---
...Kojiro Sasaki.
"Na...NANI?!"
"Oh, hi, Takezo! You're my roommate?"
---
Kojiro quietly saved the file, shut off his mail reader, and
went to the Hall to face the music...
A few days later, Takezo got the following message...
---
Takezo:
I may come across to you as bitter about this entire fiasco, having
resigned my post as Lord Crusader.
I am.
I must admit, though, that you handled the situation perfectly, and I
know that I have been bested by a better man. Therefore, I extend my
congratulations to you.
However, our business is not finished. If you think for a moment that
this temporary setback will keep me down for long, you are sorely
mistaken.
Until Part 5, then.
The Honorable Kojiro Sasaki
---
"Hmph," thought Takezo. "I'll be waiting."
---
"What do you mean, 'You'll be waiting'? Have you gone completely
bonkers, Takezo?"
"Bob," said Takezo, "I know what I'm doing."
"Uh-huh. Sure. What about that time when someone gave you your
first negative C&C, huh? Remember how you felt what someone told you
he didn't like pseudo-otaku fics? Remember? You totally lost it for a
few days."
"Well, the fact that it's still my ONLY negative C&C to this day
might be a factor..."
"ONLY?? Hah! 'Feh comes to mind, and feh isn't even a word!'
Remember that?"
"But..."
" ''The whole damn fanfic's out of character!' "
"Okay, okay, you've made your point!"
---
"I think," said the High Commander to the disgraced Crusader
after the crowds in the Hall melted away, "That it is time for me to
take matters into my own hands. Do you think he would appreciate me
giving him...C&C?"
The figure of the fallen leader was silent.
Somewhere, someone was staring into his monitor, laughing...
Somewhere, another church was forming a crusade against the
heretic....
"Gentlemen, it has come to our attention that a blasphemous
document has been written involving our Goddess of Spatulas...."
PART 5: Don't let this C&C throw you out of whack, Takezo! Get to it!
What do you mean you've lost the will to write? You have to carry on!
And what's this about ANOTHER Crusade?
Actually, this would have been out sooner if I hadn't pulled a
'Skuld' on my PC and turned it off without saving. But anyway, here it
is, totally revised and totally different from its previous
incarnation (which lasted all of 10 minutes).
As usual, C&C is welcome. However, any and all C&C that reads
all of 'This Sucks' will be completely ignored. If you want to bash
me, fine. Just be specific.
What installment of Gratuitous Self would be complete without...
The Scorecard:
'Short Green Tea' - a hearty 10 pts to all those who've actually
been paying attention to the FFML these days.
'That's 1/2 My Goddess' - no pts, really. This advertisment was
paid for (or will be paid for) by the Scriviner.
'DAMN CHAIN LETTERS' - also no pts, just a sympathetic patpat to
all those who've been plagued by these for the past few weeks.
'Reigun' - 10 pts. C'mon. This is it. Your ticket to 10 free
pts.
'KowaiMUCK' - 5 pts. Where a lot of the FFML guys hang
out...sorta.
'familiar-looking guy in green at Ucchan's' - 15 pts. For those
of you who don't have a clue of what I'm talking about, check out the
first scene in 'Akane and Her Sisters', then ask me if you think you
know who it is.
'ninja-girl (guy?)' - 10 pts.
'WE ARE THE NO-BRAND HEROES!' - 20 pts!
Until Part 5 then,
TimeRunner, February 13, 1997
=====
TimeRunner's Page:
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Towers/7482
icq: 7153134 (Keiichi)
=====
"The story grew in the most convoluted way, as many people will be
surprised to learn. Writing episodically meant that when I finished one
episode I had no idea about what the next one would contain. When, in the
twists and turns of the plot, some event suddenly seemed to illuminate
things that had gone before, I was as surprised as anyone else."
--- Douglas Adams, "A Guide to the Guide"
"Mos people who want to be writers don't really want to be writers. They
want to HAVE BEEN writers."
--- James A. Michener