Gratuitous Self
Part 3: Retaliation
Takezo was feeling good today.
Some people had written to tell him about how they felt about
his fanfic, 'Turning Road'. Aside from pointing out a few typos here
and there, the response was...pretty good.
That is, if you discount the 100 or so flame messages.
So, then, why WAS Takezo feeling good?
"You know," Bob had told Takezo the day after he had posted part
2 (which was a little more than a week ago), "These people are just
jealous."
"Yeah?", said Takezo, looking up from the homemade okonomiyaki
he and Bob made which he was now finishing off. "What makes you say
that, and not, 'These people hate gratuitous self-insertion fics?'"
"I KNOW these people," answered Bob. "They write self-insertion
fics themselves. I think they're all from a group called, 'The Holy
Crusaders of Nabiki Tendo' or something like that."
"And?", Takezo asked between gulps of water (which he needed to
cool down that lump of wasabi that didn't quite spread on the
okonomiyaki right)
"And.....your fanfic was...um...for lack of a better word,
blasphemous to their order."
"Yeah? So THAT'S why one of them called me the 'Salman Rushdie'
of Fanficdom."
"Don't let it get to you..."
"I know that. I expected this kind of reaction. It IS, after
all, a self-insertion fic."
"No, I meant...Look at it this way. NONE of the self-insertion
bashers have written a flame about your fic. Sure, they're not saying
anything GOOD about it, either, but hey, no gnus is good gnus."
"You mean, they liked it?"
"No. I mean they tolerate it. And that's for those guys who HATE
GSIF's. Think about those who don't."
"Yeah, I know what you mean. A lot of good comments sandwiched
between those flames."
"Well, then, keep it up, then." And with that, Bob finished the
last of the okonomiyaki.
"Hey, no fair! I was saving the part with the shrimp for last!"
"Tough."
And so, Takezo was actually looking forward to checking his e-
mail.
"Hmm, let's see now..." He peered into the view message window
of his mail reader. "'Blasphemous scum'..." He pressed his delete key,
which resounded with a satisfying *paku*. "'You are hereby marked as
the Lesser Akuma'...Hmm, who's the Greater Akuma? Kasha-Oh Kinnosuke?"
*paku*
Some of Takezo's friends were at his house for an anime
marathon, and were silently watching this blonde guy chasing after a
glowing bird and shouting, "Marie!" He could hear sniffles from the
background. Ignoring this (he had watched the video several times
already), he continued reading.
"Oh, what's this? 'I liked the way you wove together established
fact and your own fiction...' Domo." He moved that message to his C&C
folder.
"'Could you give a larger part of the story to that kawaii pink-
haired waitress! I loved her!' Rabid fanboy..." *paku*
"'Who's the girl who shouted 'Divine Retribution'?' Newbie."
*paku*
"'The Goddess will punish you for such heresy...' Suuuuuure."
*paku*
"'Heretic.'" *paku* "'Filibuster'. Filibuster? Huh?" *paku*
"'Love the way Nabiki doesn't break character.' Me too, pal.
Another one for the C&C folder."
"Oh, look, a fanfic. 'Senshi Muyou'. Hmm." -click- Moved to
'Fanfics'.
"'Stop putting in those damned obscure in-jokes! I didn't get a
single one! You're ruining it for me!' No way, man. That's like asking
me to stop breathing." Apparently, Takezo had grown a taste for in-
jokes. *paku*
"'How dare you....'" He instinctively reached for the delete
key, but read on anyway..."'...make such a well-written yet so
flagrantly self-gratifying fanfic! I was torn between deleting and
reading the damn thing!'" Takezo raised his eyebrows. "Sorta like
wanting to 'puke and shake my hand at the same time', huh?"
-click- Moved to C&C.
"Another fanfic...'Tuxedo Kamen Rider'. Weird." -click-
"Fanfic...Kikkoman Blade. What's this? A armored cooks anime?" -
click-
"'You are hereby excommunicated by the Holy Crusaders.' Notice
the look of total concern and worry lacking from my face." *paku*
"Fanfic...'Samurai Shogirls'. Must be a lemon." -click-
"A DBZ Fanfic starring Goku (Kakarotto), Gohan, Tenshinhan,
Vegita, Broly, Piccolo...all of a sudden, I feel hungry." -click-
"Hey! This guy got all the in-jokes! He's THE man! I kneel in
respect to...eh? Oh, great, it's just Bob. Whatta joker." After some
thought, he decided to place the message in the Miscellaneous folder.
He selected the next message and...
"NANI YO?!"
---
Turning Road Part 3: Defending the Faith
By Kojiro Sasaki
---
"WHO IS THIS JERK?!", Takezo fumed. "AND HOW DARE HE USE MY
FANFIC!"
---
Kojiro was not expecting his first day at Furinkan High to have
much incident.....but then, this WAS Nerima. Already he had run into a
red-haired pig-tailed girl (kinda cute, he thought) chasing down an
shriveled old man lugging a huge bag full of gym shorts, the ukelele-
playing Hawaiian(?) principal, and a rather cute-looking spatula-
wielding girl being chased by a vending machine, of all things, so
this incident occuring in front of him did not come as much of a
surprise, since successive shocks have a decreasing effect.
---
Hmph, thought Takezo. I could have come up with those
references.
---
They were fighting. Not physically, mind you, they were simply
exchanging words. But the way these two were verbally fencing (and so
subtly, too, he thought. You can hardly tell that they're directly
disagreeing with each other, although the hostility was apparent) was
possibly as engaging as your usual Musabetsu Kakuto (Anything Goes
Martial Arts Style) fight in the school courtyard.
---
Musabetsu Kakuto? thought Takezo. I didn't know that...
---
"Good morning, Takezo." Nabiki was cool, composed, didn't miss a
step while greeting the man who had every right to be mad at her.
"Well. Good morning, Nabiki. I see your conscience let you sleep
well last night." Cold. That was the word to describe the way Takezo
responded.
---
HE'S MAKING ME ARGUE WITH NABIKI?! He's making me argue with
Nabiki. I see. Takezo was...well, he didn't really know how he felt
about this. It was all conflicting inside his head.
---
"Yes, it did, didn't it." If Nabiki was lying, she showed no
outward signs of it. "By the way, my friends just LOVED your letter."
"I'm glad to hear it. Say, I was wondering...How much do people
pay for your friendship?"
---
Ow, I'm so cold! thought Takezo. I can't believe I'm being so
blunt with Nabiki. This...it's incredible...
---
Nabiki grinned sardonically, which was never a good sign. "It
depends. Friends get in for free."
"Makes sense. I mean, it shows how many friends you have."
"Meaning?"
"The people who don't owe you anything."
---
Takezo could do nothing but continue reading...and flinch.
---
"Anyway, the whole school's talking about the sweet and literate
way you write. Talk about having too much time on your hands." Nabiki
folded her arms, as if to say 'beat that'.
"Yes, well, unlike yourself, I don't have any loan-sharking
operations to take care of.
"Is that so?", said Nabiki flatly. "By the way, like the way you
use flowery language. You almost can't tell it was stolen material."
"Stolen material? Is that what you call your 'earnings' these
days?"
---
For five minutes, Takezo cringed like his fists and jaw were
never going to unclench again, and not because of anger.
---
The short-haired girl and the guy were going at it like rabid
dogs with telekinesis. Every so often, noticed Kojiro, one of them
would give the other the 'dagger look', usually when the other's back
is turned. This was the only sign that those rapier-sharp words were
drawing blood.
Kojiro looked...no, actually, he stared at the short haired
girl...Nabiki, if he heard correctly. She was amazing. Not just the
looks, although that was amazing in itself. Her entire manner was so
cool that even as she blurred in his vision (that's what you get for
not blinking), he still watched her, he could still tell it was her
somehow, by the way she moved, by her air...
---
God, listen to this guy, thought Takezo. He's even more smitten
than me! Although he's got a point...
---
Masanori passed by Nabiki and Takezo, trying not to draw
Nabiki's attention for fear of further extortion. Takezo called him,
asking, "Hey, Masanori, have you seen Takeshi around?"
"Um...The last time I saw him, he was chasing this little kid
with a Goku-like hairdo around with a bokken."
---
Now THERE'S an obscure reference if I ever saw one, thought
Takezo. He's pretty good at this, after all.
---
After Masanori had left, Nabiki noticed the guy standing in
front of them. She got this wicked gleam in her eye that passed
quickly. We'll see how tough you really are, Takezo, she thought.
She smiled at the boy and said, "Oh hi! Are you a new student?
What's your name?" She showed just enough interest in him to fluster
him...and infuriate Takezo, she thought.
The boy could do nothing but stammer for a few moments, then
said, "Um...y-yes. I'm...Kojiro."
"Kojiro? What a nice name! I'm Nabiki! Please to meet you!" At
which she took his hand and shook it.
Nabiki thought she saw a fleeting hint of displeasure in
Takezo's eyes as Kojiro embarassedly held Nabiki's hand, which Takezo
immediately covered up. She got this strange pleasure from making him
squirm.
---
"Errrrrrrrg! Arrrg! Grrraaah!"
Takezo had lost all coherent thought, although not all because
of anger.
---
"Really?", said Nabiki happily, "That's my class! We'll be
classmates then!"
"I..I'm glad..." Kojiro was not the epitome of engaging
conversation just now.
"Isn't that great, Takezo?", said Nabiki, with what Takezo
grudgingly admitted to himself was just the right mixture of
enthusiasm and edge.
Damn it! thought Takezo. She's got the upper hand now. Damn me
for revealing my weakness for her!
This line of thought did not show on Takezo's face. Instead, he
said, with matching enthusiasm and a touch of sarcasm, "Really?
That'd be great!"
---
Takezo blinked, his face blank. He quietly turned away from the
screen for a moment, then looked back, moved the fanfic over to his
''Fanfic' folder, and went over to Bob's place.
The Grand Hall of the Goddess was packed. Everyone was talking
about the Initiate's ambitious crusade against the heretic, Takezo
Musashi.
"Sire," Kojiro reported to the High Commander, "Project:
Retaliation Fic is a success."
"Yes, I particularly liked the way you made our goddess hostile
against the heretic, as well as your humility in the presence of the
goddess. For this great accomplishment, I grant you that which you
desire...Knighthood!"
The Hall was in an uproar. The older Knights were protesting the
breach of policy, while the Initiates (particularly Kojiro's batch)
applauded.
"Silence!", commanded the High Commander. "I am not yet
finished. Never has there been a greater threat to us. Never has the
Mailing List been so united in endorsing a heretic. "Therefore, I call
a Crusade! A Crusade against the heretic!" He raised his hand to
prevent another outburst from the gathering. "And I name Kojiro
Sasaki...Lord Crusader!"
Not even the High Commander's calls for order could stop the
uproar that rose from that statement. Amid the congratulations and the
applause and the protests, Lord Crusader Kojiro Sasaki smiled to
himself in satisfaction.
You're mine, Takezo.....
"YOU'RE WHAT?!" Bob was incredulous.
"Yeah, you heard right."
"BUT...BUT...BUT...Someone else wrote it! An upstart in the
Crusaders, yet!"
"Which makes it so ironic that I am not refuting Kojiro's part
3. In fact, I'm writing Part 4 following it, and not part 3."
"But...you didn't write it!"
"I know, and I could never write something like that. Well, not
before, anyway. I want you to read it again. Well."
"It...it...it...." Silence. Then..."You're right. This is not
half-bad!"
"See? It's even better than what I had in mind, although I
always cringe when I read it."
"What DID you have in mind?"
"Um...Nabiki and I'd make up, and we'd..."
"Nevermind. Keep Kojiro's Part 3."
Part 4: The Challenge is Accepted! Who will prevail? Who writes a
better story? Will the FFML stand the stress of all the letters? Will
somebody finally get all the references?
And here's part three. I hope you guys like it. I would
appreciate C&C, not just for my fanfic, but for Takezo's and Kojiro's
fics, too. (Source material, you see.) Also, your guesses for the
references. Will someone guess them all, please? (Not you,
Scriviner...although you could try.)
Here it is, people, the Scorecard (pretty tough this time):
Kasha-Oh Kinnosuke (Hold-over question from last time): 10 pts.
Guy chasing bird and crying, "MARIE!": 20 pts.
Gettiing hungry after reading DBZ names: 20 pts.
The Name 'Kojiro Sasaki': 20 pts.
His relation with Takezo: 20 pts.
Takeshi chasing little kid with a bokken: 50 pts.!!!
I deign to give scores for the red-head, old man, ukelele man,
spatula girl, vending machine references. Oh, okay, fine. One point
each.
Until Part 4 then.
Timerunner 1/16/97
=====
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http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Towers/7482
icq: 7153134 (Keiichi)
=====
"The story grew in the most convoluted way, as many people will be
surprised to learn. Writing episodically meant that when I finished one
episode I had no idea about what the next one would contain. When, in the
twists and turns of the plot, some event suddenly seemed to illuminate
things that had gone before, I was as surprised as anyone else."
--- Douglas Adams, "A Guide to the Guide"
"Mos people who want to be writers don't really want to be writers. They
want to HAVE BEEN writers."
--- James A. Michener