Gratuitous Self
Part 10: Templar, The Boy of Total Failure
It was akin to looking into a crystal ball and seeing yourself
lying in a bloody heap, like in those old text adventures. Or a death
threat note, complete with mismatched cutout fonts and deconstructed
English.
He had printed out a copy, to give him the satisfaction of
tearing it to pieces afterwards.
Sure, the whole list KNEW he didn't write the thing himself,
heavens no, but he had the experience of opening his mailer and
finding his fic mutilated by someone else before. It's the principle
of the thing, he kept telling himself as he began to read.
=====
An Excerpt from 'Turning Road 9: Vengeance is Mine'
By Jubei Yagyu
"Feel the power of my Daisho Technique!" said the eye-patched
stranger as he leapt into the air, drawing both of his swords with
impeccable precision.
"Never!" screamed Takezo as he held his katana up to block the
impending blow. His sight was clouded by the blood, trickling from his
forehead down over his eyes. He blinked, trying to clear them.
That was all the stranger needed.
Takezo clutched his stomach where the two deep cuts were. He
felt his life ebbing. His right hand was holding the splintered
remnants of his carved wooden sword. He turned, attempting to get a
glimpse of the stranger, who was shaking his blades as he sheathed
them, to clean the blood. "Why?"
"I might as well tell you," the stranger said. "You have
attempted to best our Goddess. For that you must pay." He chuckled.
"And you have."
As Takezo collapsed, growing colder with each heartbeat, pumping
blood out of the gaping wounds, he heard the stranger say, "Oh yes.
The name is Jubei Yagyu. But may call me Templar."
=====
Takezo let out a grunt and forced himself to keep reading.
=====
"Step away from him," Jubei said.
Nabiki did so, standing instead behind Jubei.
Kojiro could only watch helplessly as all this transpired. "Damn
you!" he cried. "Who are you, and what power do you have over my
goddess?"
"On the contrary, Kojiro. It is she who has power over me."
Jubei then took Nabiki's hand and kissed it, much to Nabiki's delight.
Enraged, Kojiro raised his Enchanted Blade of Drying Pole in an
attempt to smite Jubei, but Jubei deftly blocked with his wakizashi.
"My sensei taught me to dance the Daisho well, much too well for
you." Jubei then slashed Kojiro's side. "For the honor of the Daisho
School of Ni-To-Kenjutsu, and the Goddess, you have been punished."
Kojiro watched through the haze as Jubei led Nabiki away by the
hand.
=====
Takezo never rooted for Kojiro before, but now...
=====
Jubei knelt before Nabiki.
"Why are you kneeling?"
"Because," Jubei said, head bowed, "as a Goddess, you deserve
it. I am but your humble servant."
Nabiki smiled. "Then rise, noble servant." As Jubei rose, Nabiki
stared into his eyes. "Let me give you the reward you deserve."
"Milady, I am unworthy..."
The rest of his sentence trailed off as Nabiki's lips drew
closer...
=====
With extreme disgust, Takezo crumpled the copy and tossed it
over his shoulder. He rested his cheek on the palm of his hand,
leaning on his desk. He was waiting for his professor to arrive, but
the crusty old hag hadn't arrived yet.
The tapping of keys behind him drew his attention, and he saw a
dark-haired young man using a laptop, the only other guy in the room
(all the others having given up already). It was connected to a modem
with an antenna! Wow, Takezo thought. A cellular modem! If only I had
one of those!
Takezo suddenly recognized him as one of the guys he always saw
at those conventions who seemed to attract a large crowd to himself
without trying. Popular guy, he thought.
Suddenly the young man let loose a roar of such utter rage that
Takezo cringed in his seat, instinctively reaching for his bag and
starting to stand.
"DAMN YOU TO HELL, TEMPLAR!" the young man cried.
"T...Templar? You know Templar?" Takezo asked cautiously.
"Why?! Why do you ask?! You're one of his cronies, aren't you?!"
The guy reached back to a long, wrapped, suspicious-looking bundle.
"No no no! Far from it! I'm Takezo Musashi!"
"You?" The young man blinked. "You're...Takezo? As in, 'Turning
Road' Takezo?"
"Yes, that's me!" Naturally, Takezo was flattered. Someone
actually remembered him! Even amid all these old-timers who snapped at
every single perceived mistake he made, just because they were there
first, amid all these attention-seekers making up new awards just so
they'd have one under their belts, here was one guy who appreciated
him for what was important -- his work!
"You! I don't know whether to strangle you for blaspheming or
kissing your feet for putting me where I am!" The guy then shook his
hand!
"What are you talking about?!"
"I'm Kojiro Sasaki!"
"YOU'RE Kojiro Sasaki?! If history is any gauge, we should be
tearing each other's throats out!"
"Yes," Kojiro said, as he withdrew his hand, "but we have a
common enemy to deal with."
"True. There's this Templar idiot. Your boss, as I recall."
"My OLD boss, you mean. I replaced him as High Commander."
"Oh, really? Was this the time you sent me that great piece of
C&C?"
Kojiro nodded. "He totally botched that supposed insidious C&C
to you that was supposed to destroy your credibility."
"I knew there was something fishy about that piece of e-mail the
moment it told me to make my character an exchange student."
"Yeah, well... Say, Takezo."
"Yes?"
"I'm willing to step aside for you to deal with this your own
way. However, you may want to use this little info."
"Shoot."
"Jubei Yagyu was, according to some stories, Miyamoto Musashi's
student."
And so, Takezo wrote, this time ignoring the written part.9
Templar so graciously posted.
=====
Turning Road Part 9: The One-Eyed Stranger
By Takezo Musashi
It was so uncomfortable for some reason, cleaning Ukyo's hot
plate like this. His throat dried up every time he started to say
something to her, washing her spatulas at the sink. What could he
possibly say? What did she mean by what she said that night?
"You know," Ukyo finally said, "you don't really have to do
this. I was just kidding when I said you had to help me out here."
"No, no," Takezo said. "I want to."
Long moments passed after that, not a word exchanged between the
two of them.
Suddenly, they both blurted out, "Can I say something?"
They both chuckled nervously, then they both said, "You go
first."
"No, you go first," Takezo said, at the exact moment Ukyo said,
"I'll go first."
Ukyo cleared her throat. "Okay. I... Never mind. What was it you
were going to say?"
"It's nothing important," Takezo said, quietly.
Both of them went back to whatever it was they were doing.
"You know," Ukyo said, "Kunoichi's back in town, and I can just
have him do the dishes for me."
"No, no," Takezo said, "I insist on doing this myself. I owe
you."
"I don't want you to feel that you owe this to me."
"But I do."
"Well... I... Never mind."
Takezo simply smiled and continued with his work.
-----
Why can't I say it? Why can't I say that the reason I don't want
him to feel he owes it to me is...
Why did I tell her I owed it to her? It's only partly true. I do
this for her because...
...Because I want him to do it because he wants to.
...Because I want to.
-----
The silence was thankfully alleviated by the arrival of Nabiki
and Kojiro. Or maybe not so thankfully.
There she was again, looking so happy with Kojiro. Takezo wasn't
so sure anymore whether she was faking the whole thing just to spite
him or if she really liked Kojiro. Takezo shook his head. Why? What
did she make me do those things for? Helping her out and stuff? Just
to torture me? She must know how I feel for her. Is she doing this to
spite me?
She sat herself down at the hot plate, next to Kojiro. She
smiled at Kojiro, laughing at some joke probably told on the way to
Ucchan's.
Damn it! Takezo thought. Why does she grow more and more
infuriatingly beautiful every time I see her?
"Hey, Takezo." Nabiki said, interrupting his reverie.
"Huh? Oh, hi, Nabiki."
She smirked. "I've got our... profits from our little operation
ready. I'll give you your cut later."
He grinned at her. He couldn't help but feel a grudging respect
for this woman. How she kept personal grudges separate from business.
How she could make herself deal with a guy who so blatantly tried to
humiliate her. "Thanks. I see that the Kuno picture business venture
is working well."
"Of course it is. You took the pictures, remember?"
"Of course." Takezo took boy's locker room pictures of Kuno,
which made him a traitor of sorts, but a filthy rich traitor. "how
much is the take. The REAL amount."
"What? You don't trust me?" Nabiki said in all innocence. "The
take is thirty thousand yen."
"That's amazing!" Kojiro exclaimed, wide-eyed. "I've never even
seen that much money!"
"Yep," Nabiki said. "Here's your share, Takezo. Fifteen thousand
yen."
It was Ukyo's turn to stare. "You're giving him fifty percent?
What is wrong with you, Nabiki?"
"Why?" Nabiki said. "It's his fair share. He deserves it."
"Lemme guess," Takezo said, "the take is actually much higher,
but you're giving me fifty percent of a figure you think I'll
believe."
"You should learn to be more trusting, Takezo."
"I think the word you meant to use, Tendo, was 'gullible'."
Nabiki grinned widely, much to Takezo's surprise. "That's why I
work with you, Takezo. You're such a sneaky bastard. Here you go," she
said as she pulled out another wad of bills, "five thousand for your
bonus, for being so shrewd."
"Thanks for the fool's share. Go spend your forty thousand on
acting lessons or something."
Nabiki took on the innocent look again. "Why, Takezo! Are you
insinuating that I only gave you one-third of the profits? After we
made a deal for fifty-fifty?"
"Yes," Takezo said as flatly as he could, "and the only reason I
let you handle the money was because I knew you'd make a killing
anyway."
Nabiki chuckled. "Sharp, Musashi. Very sharp. Let's do business
again sometime." She slapped down some cash on the wood portion around
the hot plate. "Okonomiyaki for four, please! My treat!"
=====
"Okay," Kojiro said as he read the manuscript in the classroom
the next day, empty except for himself and Takezo, "so where does
Jubei come in? Have you ignored him altogether? And isn't my character
supposed to be mad at your character?"
"Yes, yes, read on."
=====
Humph, Kojiro thought to himself. If Nabiki-san wasn't here, I'd
beat the crap out of you. If Nabiki didn't think you were so great I'd
snap your neck in half with my bare hands. But, for the sake of my
goddess, I will put up with you. I will be civil. But the day you hurt
her I will be there to slice you in half.
He reached into his pocket, fingering the wrapped tanto inside.
=====
"Sounds about right," Kojiro said. "Except that I wouldn't
suffer in silence. I'm too arrogant for that."
"I know, I know," Takezo said. "You can always retort with
Turning Road 10."
"You mean you're letting me write it."
"Yes, I am."
"Aren't you worried about internal consistency?"
"What's to worry about? You did fine the last time," Takezo
said.
"Yes, but that's because of my prereader. I told him to meet me
here after class. Ah, there he is now," Kojiro said as someone entered
the doorway of the classroom.
The glare from outside obscured the newcomer's face from Takezo,
but he could make it out somewhat...
"What the...? I never thought I'd ever see the two of you
together!"
What the hell?! "BOB!? You're Kojiro's prereader?" exclaimed
Takezo in disbelief.
Bob scratched his head and grinned sheepishly. "Oh, you know,
huh?"
"Why?" asked Kojiro. "What's the matter?"
"The matter?!" Takezo shouted. "I'll tell you what the matter
is! This... idiot," he said while grabbing Bob by the collar, "is MY
prereader!"
"Ha ha, so I am..." Bob said weakly.
"Oh. Well, in that case..." Kojiro said, calmly walking towards
Bob. Suddenly he LUNGED at Bob, preparing to give him an impromptu
tracheotomy with his ballpoint pen. "You damn bastard! You were
playing us off each other the whole damn time!"
"Help!" Bob screamed. "He's gone nuts!"
"I don't blame him," Takezo said, leaning against the wall, arms
crossed. "I'm going to enjoy watching this."
"Wait!" Bob pleaded. "If you kill me now, who'll be your
prereader?"
"We'll think of something," Takezo said flatly. "Finish him,
Kojiro."
"No, no, wait," Bob choked as he tried to pry Kojiro's hands off
his neck, "what about internal consistency in the story?"
"We'll figure something out ourselves," Kojiro said, continuing
to strangle Bob.
Bob emitted a sound that sounded like "Glllkkk..."
"Huh?" Takezo said mockingly. "What was that you said?"
"I think he said, 'Glllkkk'," Kojiro replied.
Bob stopped trying to pry Kojiro's hands off and was now
reaching into his bag. He pulled out what appeared to be...
"Ohmigod!" Takezo exclaimed. "A 12'' PVC Ayanami doll! In her
plugsuit!"
"And she's STRETCHING!!!" added Kojiro, letting go of Bob in
shock.
"Now," Bob said, clearing his throat, "what was all that
business about killing me?"
"Killing? You? What are you talking about, Bob ol'buddy ol'pal!"
Takezo said, grinning sheepishly. "Isn't that right, Kojiro?"
"Huh? Oh, right, yeah!" Kojiro said, snapping out of the daze he
had while staring at the PVC Ayanami. "We'd never hurt our good buddy
Bob!"
"That's Lord Bob to you two jerks."
"Yes, Lord Bob!" the two said in unison. "We're not worthy!"
"Now, then," Lord Bob said to the two kowtowing writers, "what's
this about Templar?"
=====
Suddenly, a pony-tailed young man, wearing an eyepatch over his
left eye, entered the restaurant. He stood in the doorway for a
moment, apparently surveying the scene before him. Then, with a shrug,
he took a seat at the counter close to Takezo and company, idly
pitching his schoolbag onto an adjacent seat.
"One seafood okonomiyaki for me, thanks," he said to Ukyo, who
promptly got to work.
As did Takezo, who watched all the hard work he did scrubbing
the hot plate go to waste. He sighed, getting back to washing the
drinking glasses.
"Hey," Nabiki called out to Takezo, who had his back turned to
her, "why are you still working? You've got enough money to pay your
tab ten times over!"
"For your information, Tendo," Takezo said without turning, "I
don't have a tab here."
"Whatever," she said. "You still haven't answered my question.
Are you trying to earn extra cash, free food, brownie points, what?"
Takezo sputtered. "I don't know what you're talking about."
"Oh, I'm so sorry! I'll make you a new one!" Takezo turned
around to see Ukyo pick up a half-cooked okonomiyaki off the floor,
all the while apologizing to the newcomer, who was not really paying
attention.
"Oh, sure," Nabiki continued, pressing the advantage. "Go ahead.
Play innocent with me, Musashi. Like I don't know you better than
that."
Musashi? He's the Musashi who beat Konoichi up?
"Like I said, Tendo," Takezo maintained, "I have no idea what
you're talking about."
"What ARE you talking about, Nabiki?" asked Kojiro.
"Oh, nothing," Nabiki said, turning away.
=====
"I'm going to get you for this, Takezo."
"Get me for what?"
"This. This blatant, self-glorifying, wonderful banter you and
Nabiki are having. That and making my character completely clueless."
"You're not 'completely clueless'. Remember that part where you
nearly caught Ukyo off-guard?"
"Oh. Right. I thought that was kind of out-of-place."
"And besides, Kojiro," Takezo continued, "you're writing the
next part, remember? You get to get even."
"I suppose..." Kojiro said. "Say, Takezo..."
"What is it?"
"I've been meaning to ask you..."
"Out with it, man!"
"Did Bob want a large order of fries and a regular soft drink,
or was it the other way around?"
"Hey, that was your order, man, you figure it out. I've still
got to get him that stupid Italian sausage in olive oil and garlic."
=====
"Excuse me."
Takezo gave a start. He turned to the newcomer. "Yes...?" He
asked tentatively, instinctively inching towards the sword under the
counter.
"Are you Takezo Musashi? The one who beat Konoichi and his gang
up?"
"Yes, I am," Takezo answered. "Who wants to know?"
The newcomer suddenly cried out, "I am Jubei Yagyu!" And with
one fluid motion, he drew two hidden swords and rushed at Takezo!
=====
"You're as... theatrical... as Templar, aren't you?"
"Kojiro," Takezo said as he fanned Bob, "quit it with the
euphemisms. I think you meant to say, as cheesy as Templar."
Kojiro winced. "Ugh. Do you have to be so blunt?"
"What's wrong with blunt? I like blunt. I write blunt, for
crying out loud."
"Gentlemen," Bob said, standing up, throwing the remains of the
meal into the trash can, "you've groveled enough. Dismissed."
"Thank you, sir!" both writers shouted, saluting.
"Carry on. Say, is that the response to Templar's 'Turning Road'
you're reading there?"
"Yep. Care to preread it?" Takezo said, handing it to Bob.
"Bob, I have a question for you," Kojiro said.
"Yes, Kojiro?"
"I've been meaning to ask you... Do you preread for Templar, as
well? You know, just so that we're clear on that."
"Yeah, do you?" piped Takezo.
"Absolutely not," Bob replied, indignantly. "Why do you think
all continuity was shot to hell in his part nine?"
"Come to think of it, taking into account my part three into the
grand scheme of the story," Kojiro said, "the whole story has good
continuity."
"Makes perfect sense," Takezo said, seething, "considering that
we had only one prereader."
"Now, now, Takezo," Bob said, "calm down. What's past is past.
What's more important to you, a good story, or getting even with me?"
After long moments, Bob said, "Well?"
"Give me a sec, okay?! It's a tough choice!"
=====
Takezo raised his sword in defense, and awaited the impending
blow...
For an impending blow, it sure was taking its glorious time at
it.
Takezo opened his eyes, and saw Jubei laying his swords at his
feet. "Wha... What?
"Oh, teach me, Great One! I'm eternally in your debt, for you
have defeated my persecutors! Not only that, I've heard so much about
from Mitsuru-sempai and Shinobu-sempai!"
"I don't care what you've done for him, Musashi," Nabiki said,
"I don't think anything's worth him licking your boots for."
"Get up man," Takezo said. "Kowtowing went out of style with the
eunuchs."
"So... So you'll take me as a student? Honest and truly?
Yubikiri?"
Yubikiri? "Yes, yes, yes! Just get up! And wipe the drool off my
shoes, would you?"
"Yes!" Jubei said, leaping to his feet! "Just you wait,
Konoichi! You'll be begging me for mercy in no time!" And with that he
slapped down his payment and ran out of Ucchan's.
"What was that about, Takezo?" Ukyo asked, pocketing the money.
"I... I have no idea, actually."
=====
John Smith was a free man.
He'd managed to finish his thesis just under the deadline, much
to his, and his adviser's, relief. The defense wasn't due until two
weeks from then, and he had a lot of free time on his hands, which,
like any other otaku, he wasted on anime, mange, and sorting out his
mail from the FFML.
Like any intrepid subscriber to that wonderful mess we all know
as the FFML, he would download a couple hundred messages a day, only
around a third of them fanfics, and even then he'd have to read them
all to determine which were actually worth keeping. After all, you
can't really determine which fics are good from the title, now, can
you?
For example, there was this excellent Sailor Moon fanfic with
strange formatting and a lousy title. John wondered how many people
overlooked this particular one, just because the title made the fic
seem like some rabid Sailor Moon hater with no literary sense
whatsoever did it.
Or this... Gratuitous Something-Or-The-Other satire fic that,
from the title, sounded like some author-otaku-god-being-fic being
written like some kind of wish fulfillment for some depraved hack.
Of course, one couldn't help but run into the really strange
fics at times, like one that was entitled, "Urusei Yakumo - That
Obnoxious Zombie". Or "Kimagure Orange Marmalade".
John placed those in his 'fanfics' folder, vowing silently to
read them someday. He idly wondered when the Scriviner was going to
come out with 'Aa! Mega-Playboy'.
Scroll down, scroll down.
The FFML was buzzing with mixed reactions about the release of
'Vengeance is Mine'. Okay, not so mixed. Most were appalled that
someone would actually stoop so low as to kill of the main protagonist
and the antagonist, and run off with the anime babe, all in a claimed
continuation of the current story. A few had the foresight to keep
silent, and so were spared by the chastising Tybalt later gave
everyone who had contributed to the glut, as well as those who sent
tests to the list checking if it was working.
"Hmph," said John as he read on. "'Vengeance is Mine' was stupid
to begin with, anyway."
Templar, or Jubei, wasn't in the room at the time. He was
probably off to one of those stupid 'otaku' viewings, anyway.
"Although," John said, aloud, to no one in particular, "I really
would call the umpteenth viewing of the first ten episodes of Ranma �
'otaku'. How about an all-night Gundam Wing showing? Or Captain
Tsubasa? How about Saint Seiya? Heck, if you really want obscure, how
about Dameo, The Boy of Total Failure? Or Bakabon? Or Sasuke the
Ninja?"
Feeling smug in his own knowledge of anime, he continued
reading, and found Takezo's own 'Turning Road 9."
Templar entered, looking fresh as a daisy. "Ah, once more, mine
eyes have seen the glory of the goddess!" He noticed John's reading.
"Say, John, do tell what it is you are perusing."
Prissy little bastard. "Why, this? Oh, it's nothing, but..."
"But what?"
"Nothing," John continued, "but Part 9 of Turning Road."
"Ah, yes, my masterpiece. How do you like it? On a literary
standpoint? How about from the gut? Do you like the action sequences?"
"Not your piece of trash, Temp. I meant Takezo's 'Turning
Road'."
Templar's smile seemed pasted on his face. "Ahah, you must be
mistaken. I wrote Turning Road 9, the repercussions of which must
still be reverberating throughout the mailing list."
"No, you idiot, I mean the REAL Turning Road 9. The one where
you kowtow to Takezo."
Templar's face contorted in rage. "I?! The Great Templar? Kowtow
to that... that... Heretic?! NEVER!"
"It says so right here."
"Well, I'm sure no one prefers that version over mine, which was
so much more well-written, speaking from a literary standpoint, of
course. And the strength of plot... Why, there's no contest."
"Actually, everyone likes his better."
"NOOOO!!! Is there no justice in this world?!"
Actually, John thought, there is.
"Go easy on me on part ten, okay, Kojiro?"
"Why on earth should I do that? You barely gave me any quarter
when you wrote this part."
"Oh, really?" Takezo said, crossing his arms. "Did I actively
humiliate you in this one?"
"No," Kojiro said, "but you hinted at it. It was implied."
"Well, of course it was implied."
"And all that witty dialogue you gave yourself didn't help any,
either."
"Then give yourself some witty dialogue."
"Fine. I'll do just that."
"Fine."
And with that, Kojiro stormed off with his laptop and his
cellular modem.
"What did you have to do that for, Takezo?" Bob said.
"Look at it this way, Bob," Takezo said. "Remember the last time
he wrote a part for Turning Road?"
"Yeah, why?"
"What made him write in the first place?"
"Er, you were getting in time with his girl?"
"I mean, his motivation."
"That was his motivation."
Takezo sighed. "You don't get it, do you?"
"Get what?"
"That the last time he wrote he was driven to do so because he
was angry."
"And?"
"And that he was driven by this need to humiliate me and punish
me. How can he write like that if he isn't mad at me?"
Bob thought for a moment, then said, "Tell me, were any of your
ancestors Renaissance-period Venetians?"
--- ^^; ---
I apologize for the long delay. For those of you who were
wondering, I was trying to save my academic career during the hiatus.
Anyway, I hope you enjoy this part.
Gratuitous Scorecard:
12" Ayanami PVC model
10 style points for anyone who owns one. (I sure don't.)
'Yubikiri'
10 pts. for what it means.
Urusei Yakumo
Name both series, 10 pts.
Kimagure Orange Marmalade
I have dibs on writing this one. 5 pts
for naming both series.
Aa! Mega-Playboy
10 pts. for both series, and 25 pts. to the
Scriviner if he can actually finish writing this one.
And for watching the following series I give the corresponding points:
Gundam Wing
- 10 pts. (Not because it's obscure, but because it's so cool.)
Captain Tsubasa
- 10 pts. (and 10 more for whoever rooted for Matsuyama.)
Saint Seiya
- 10 pts. (and 10 more for whoever rooted for Cygnus.)
Dameo
- 25 pts.
Bakabon
- 25 pts.
Sasuke the Ninja
- 25 pts. (and no, he's not the Sasuke in Ranma. At least, I don't think so.)
Until Part 11, then, ja matta.
=====
TimeRunner's Page:
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Towers/7482
icq: 7153134 (Keiichi)
=====
"The story grew in the most convoluted way, as many people will be
surprised to learn. Writing episodically meant that when I finished one
episode I had no idea about what the next one would contain. When, in the
twists and turns of the plot, some event suddenly seemed to illuminate
things that had gone before, I was as surprised as anyone else."
--- Douglas Adams, "A Guide to the Guide"
"Mos people who want to be writers don't really want to be writers. They
want to HAVE BEEN writers."
--- James A. Michener