OK, here's the background you need.  One of the local free papers here 
in Chicago runs a column by a guy named Dan Savage, who gives advice to 
the lovelorn that you won't find in Dear Abby (he recently had a several 
issue discussion on men who like to ejaculate on their partner's faces, 
OK?)  An "out" homosexual, he insists that letter-writers use the 
salutation, "Hey, Faggot".  High journalism, it ain't, but it's a fun 
read.  Anyway, the following spamfic is the result of wondering how he 
would handle Nerima.

Diclaimer:  Ranma 1/2 Characters are the property of Rumiko Takahashi et 
al, and Savage Love is the property of Dan Savage and the Chicago 
Reader.  I make no claims of ownership of either properties.  This is 
just for fun, kiddies.


*****************************
* Savage Love               *
* as translated by Freemage *
*****************************

Hey, Yaoi!
   My fiance and his father ditched me ten years ago, and stole the
 family business, to boot.  I was so disgraced I became a
 transvestite, and then I tracked them down.  I finally caught up with
 them a few months back, and I was about to beat him to a pulp when he
 told me how cute I am.  Anyway, the engagement is back on, but now
 we've got to deal with his two other fiancees.  Anyway, my question
 is, should I wear a tux to the wedding, or do you think that'll
 throw him off too much?
             Signed,
             "As You Like It"

   Personally, I like it with barely legal boys and lots of lubricant,
 but that's not the issue, here.  OK, let's run down the facts, as
 you yourself describe them.  A) He and his father are thieves.  B) He
 is running several engagements at once.  C) He's messed up your whole
 sexual identity.
   It's quite simple, really.  Wear the tux.  Things couldn't get any
 worse for you.  Or you could just get a good shrink, a better lawyer
 and some self-esteem.  Your call, kiddo.

******

Hey, Yaoi-type!
    I very attractive girl (see picture enclose).  Several months ago,
 boy beat me while looking like girl.  I hunt down.  Then beat me when
 looking like boy, so now me love.  But he prefer violent pervert-girl
 who always hit him.  What me do?
        Sign,
         Shampoo

    First of all, let me congratulate you.  I don't think I've ever
 seen a more obscure pen-name.  Oh, and thanks for the picture-- It'll
 help me win arguments about whether or not there is such a thing as a
 "natural purple".  As for your little dilemma, well, that's actually
 pretty simple.  You like him cause he beats you.  He likes the other
 girl who beats him.  Now, far be it from me to criticize anyone's
 choice of kink, but frankly, two subs (that's "submissives" for those
 of you who have just joined this column) do not a Yin-Yang make. 
 Especially since one of them is also a transvestite. 
    Either learn to be the dominant, and beat him for a change, or
 find someone else--preferably someone with a lot of whips.  In my
 private reply, I've included a list of nightclubs in the area that
 cater to your apparent tastes.

******

Hey, Yaoi!
    Alas!  I know not what to do!  For while I am called to the subtle
 and demur beauty of my raven-haired angel, I am also torn by my
 passion for the fiery pig-tailed goddess.  I would date them both,
 and I have the financial wherewithal to manage such a feat, but they
 are as jealous of one another as night and day, and I fear that if I
 fail to decide soon, I may lose both.  Please, sir, if thou canst see
 any path by which I might free them from the foul sorcery by which
 they are bound, share thy lore with me.
    Signed,
      Blue Thunder

    Here, folks, is what happens when you don't get laid.  The Blue
 Thunder is obviously suffering from the blue balls, and it's blocking
 his thought processes.  Thunder, here's what you need to do to get
 rid of that little mental block.  Every town has a least a few girls
 who are willing to do just about anything if the number in front of
 the yen sign is large enough.  I think if you look around _really_
 hard, you can find someone like this.  Pay her well, and enjoy.  I
 bet things'll be a lot clearer in the morning.

******

Hey, Yaoi!
    I'm a breeder fem, and I've got this really weird fetish.  I like
 pigs.  Especially the cute little black ones.  Just watching them
 rut around with their cute little noses makes me so horny I need to
 change my panties at least twice a day.  My question is, are there
 likely to be any guys out there who will understand me?  And also,
 if I do meet someone nice, when should I bring this up?
   Signed,
      Swine Lover

    You know, I never get bored on this job.  To answer your last
 question first, sometime before you ask him to strap on the fake tail
 and nose.  If you've laid the groundwork (get him very horny, maybe a
 little drunk), he'll be so eager to climb in bed with you that the
 prospect of having to make some extra grunting noises won't be too
 much of an obstacle.
    And yes, I think you'll find the right kind of man out there,
 someplace.  After all, hasn't feminism taught us that _all_ men are
 pigs?  In the meantime, leave the gate to the pen open and wear
 truffle-scented panties to bed.  Good luck.

******

Hey, Yaoi!
    What's a poor old man to do?  Nobody understands my needs, my 
desires for those lacy darlings.  Why can't they just leave me in peace?  
My hobby hurts no one, and it keeps the stores with a steady supply of 
new customers.
    Signed,
        Wild Horse

    Every once in awhile, the opportunity to do a good deed comes
 along, and I like to leap at the chance when it arrives.  I've
 ordered subscriptions in your pseudonym for _Victoria's Secret_,
 _Frederick's of Hollywood_ and several more... obscure catalogues. 
 Enjoy!

*******************************************************************


Sorry about that.  Sleep depravation is a terrible thing.

--Freemage 

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