OK... on the bad side, the plot of this story followed exactly the
standard cheesy neo-self-insert model, right down to the "Kuno attacks
new character for no real reason other than to prove the NC's combat
credentials" cliche. The new character shows no real personality, and
his being a psychiatrist was used as a cheap device to give him an
understanding of Ukyo that he had no basis for in the story. Ukyo fell
for the NC without any believable motivation for doing so. The dialog
felt generally unnatural and wooden -- and in script format, if you
haven't got good dialog, what have you got?

On the good side... um... there weren't too many typos, punctuation
errors, and such. Compared to what you sometimes see, anyway. Actually,
there were a fair number. Do please correct the spelling of "Kuonji," at
least.

I don't think I've ever said this about a story, but... there's nothing
salvagable here. My honest suggestion is that you burn this turkey and
go and write us something good.

All this is IMO only, and no offense is intended.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics