A long time ago I read a fic in which the Ranma crew played different roles in
TV progams (Can't remember the name of the fic or who wrote it.) Anyway I 
got the idea today to try doing it with the characters from NGE. I you want to
tell me what you think of this mail me at JLee100441@aol.com

TV Land Evangelion Style

By: James Lee

Disclaimer: None of the characters in this fic belong to me. They are 
the product of their respected owners. I have no money, so suing me
would be pretty useless.

*Spoiler warning*

(Click)

Sappy morning music starts playing as the sun rises over a beautiful
country side. We next see Asuka stalking around in her plug suit 
carrying a rather large shot gun.

Asuka: Shhhh! Be vary vary quite. I'm hunting Angles ehehehehehe.

(Click)

We see Shinji sitting in the cockpit of unit 01.

Shinji: I like to crush em!

[CRUNCH!!] Unit 01 squeezes it's hand crushing the small boy.

Stan:Oh my god! They killed Kenny! (Shaking his fist at unit 01) You
        bastard!

VO:There's no wrong way [CRUNCH!] to kill a Kenny.

(Click)

We see Misato, Ritsuko, and Kaji in US uniforms facing off with a 
PzKw VE Tiger tank. The moment is very tense. Suddenly one of the
tiger's hatches open and Asuka in a black SS tanker's uniform crawls
out. Asuka walks up to them.

Ritsuko (offering Asuka a cigarette):Smoke?

Asuka:Don't Smoke! The fuel system on that thing suck's! There's 
fuel all over the place!

Ritsuko:Sorry.

Asuka:So what do you want? Have you decided to surrender?

Misato:Ahh no. (points over to the bank) We just need to get into 
that bank over there.

Asuka:Well that's to bad! I've got orders to defend that bank at all 
cost!

Kaji:Do you even know what's in that bank?

Asuka:Huh?

Kaji:There's over a million dollars in gold in that bank.

Asuka eyes widen.

Ritsuko:That's over fifteen million marks.

Asuka's eyes widen even more.

Misato:And all you have to do to get an equal share of this money is
turn that turret around and blow a hole in that door.

Asuka look's over at the bank's door.

Asuka:Umm I need to talk it over with my crew.

Asuka run back to her tank and jumps in. Suddenly the huge panzer
opens fire, blowing Misato, Ritsuko, and Kaji to bloody bits. A short
while later Asuka pops back out of the tank as do Shinji, Rei, and
Hikari.

Shinji:Umm Asuka? I thought we were going to go ahead and steal 
the gold?

Asuka (bopping Shinji on the head):Of coarse we're going to steal the
gold Dummkopf! Doesn't mean we have to share it with anyone!

(Click)

VO:Now back to RITSUKO'S WORLD

We see Ritsuko in her white Lab coat standing in a laboratory. Standing
next to her is Maya dressed like a giant cat.

Ritsuko:Welcome back children. Today we're going to learn how to
make a 400 foot tall biomechanical killing machine with simple house
hold parts.

(Click)

TOJI'S 30 MINUTE WORKOUT
We see Toji standing in the middle of the gym.

Toji:All right! It's time for you to get off your lazy beer drinking butt
and get in shape...

(Click)

Annoncer:Welcome back to Celebrity Death Match! Next up the 
fight you been waiting for! NERV's Gendo Ikari vs. Genom's Brian
J. Mason for the title of GREATEST BASTARD IN THE UNIVERSE!!

Gendo and Mason face off in the middle of the ring. The referee 
walks up.

Referee:OK I want to see a good dirty fight. Now let's GET IT ON!

The bell rings and the two bastards charge each other. Mason kicks 
Gendo in the sheen while Gendo throws salt in his eyes. Mason is blind
and Gendo pounds him even after the bell rings.

Annocer:Not a good first round for Mason.

The bell rings again and Mason pulls out a small box.

Annoncer:Looks like Mason's pulling out the heavy orbital artillery.

Mason smiles as he hits the button that causes the orbital particle
beam cannon to fire at Gendo. He then frowns as the beam is stopped
by an AT field. Looking up we can see Rei III in the rafters. Mason
then snaps his figures and three boomers enter the ring. Gendo just
smirks as unit 00 crashes into the arena and steps on Mason and the
boomers. Unit 00 then blows Gendo away. Rei III jumps down from
the rafters.

Rei III:Now I'm the GREATEST BITCH IN THE UNIVERSE!
AHahahahahahahahahaha!!!

Suddenly the doors of the arena burst open and Akane Tendo steppes
out.

Akane:Oh no you don't! Your not taking MY title you little slut! I 
challenge you to an electric cage match to the DEATH!

Rei III:Your on!

(Click)

We see Hikari standing behind a kitchen counter.

Hikari:Welcome to cooking with Hikari. Today we're going to make
roast hot spring penguin with Hawaiian sauce.

(Click)

We see Misato standing behind a kitchen counter.

Misato:HI YA! Welcome to cooking with MISATO!

(Click! Click! Click!)

The theme to Gone with the Wind is playing.

Ritsuko:But Gendo! What am I to do!?

Gendo:Frankly my dear Ritsuko? I don't give a damn!

(Click)

We see Asuka and Shinji walking through the aftermath of third Impact.
Asuka then stumbles onto something.

Asuka:A Twix bar!

Asuka opens it.

Asuka:Two of them...

Shinji:Two of us!

Asuka and Shinji start laughing and hugging each other. Then Asuka
stops.

Asuka:Wait! I hear people! Over that rise!

Shinji quickly runs up to the rise and starts searching frantically.

Shinji:I don't see anyone.

Cut back to Asuka stuffing her face.

Asuka:Keep looking! (crunch, crunch, crunch)

VO:TWIX! Two for me! NONE for you.

(Click)

VO:Welcome back to The Angel! We've hidden the angel inside this local video
rental store. Now let's see what happens.

We see Kensuke enter the store and place his videos on the counter.
Suddenly the third angel burst out of the ground in front of him.

Kensuke:Ahhh! It's the Angel! Ha ha! Am I on TV?

The third angel crushes him.

(Click)

Misato:This the story...

Shinji:of three people...

(Click)

We see a very upset Asuka enter the apartment. Misato looks at
her.

Misato:Hey Asuka. Something wrong?

Asuka:Everythings wrong! I just found out Kaji dead. Shinji's outperforming
me in the EVAs. My sync rate is down. Their talking about taking 
away my pilot status, which is all I got. And I just heard on the radio
that third impact is happening and we're all going to die.

Misato puts her arm around Asuka's shoulders.

Misato:Don't feel bad Asuka. Here. (hands Asuka a beer) have a 
cold one.

Asuka takes a drink and smiles.

Asuka:Gee thanks Misato. You always know how to make everything
better.

Misato looks at the camera.

Misato:Life sucks! Drink Beer!

(Click)

VO:Next up on Playboy; Misato Katsuragi, Ritsuko Akagi, and Kaji
Ryoji in "What Pen Pen Saw".

(Click, click, click!)

VO:This is Megapervert TV. Now back to Misato Katsuragi, Kaji
Ryoji, and Pen Pen in "What Ritsuko saw".

Sick lemon scene CENSORED.

"YEEEAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!" Misato shot out of bed in a cold
sweat. Looking around, she saw Pen Pen lying on the floor next to her
bed. Grabbing the confused bird, Misato threw him into the hall and 
slammed the door. She then went back to bed. "God! What a nightmare!
Maybe I should cut back on the beer intake........NAH!"
	Misato then went back to sleep.

The End

(Click)

That's all Folks!