"Jusenkyo Guide" <jusenkyoguide@mailcity.com> wrote:

	I had heard, but didn�t believe it. Shampoo was gone; he had fought with Mousse and had lost. He actually lost.

Um... Shampoo's a she, not a he.

BTW, please word-wrap at 70-80 characters per line, and use only
non-directional "straight quote" marks. If you're not sure whether your
formatting is correct, test-mailing to yourself is a good way to check.

That old ghoul had no choice but to accept and take her back to China. Then he fought with Kodachi, she ended up being committed.

Both of which are awfully convenient, but no big deal....

	I�ve known, I�ve always known I suppose. I guess I just kept on hopping for some reason.

Because one of her feet was broken? :-) You mean "hoping."

	I had finally made it back to Nerima, in human form for once.

You've slipped into past tense here, whereas everything before this was
in present. Try to be consistent.

I went to the dojo and she let me in. She actually took me up to her room. My heart beet faster could my dreams be coming true?

Change "beet" to "beat" (or "beats" for present tense) and start a new
sentence at "Could."

	Then I saw her eyes and my heart bleed. 

"Bled" in past tense, or "bleeds" in present.

	It ain't like I like hurting people. Never did, I have to admit, on that pop was right. He always said that a martial artist is one who helps people, not hurt them. I guess that's what took me so long. I didn't want to hurt people, certain people. Shampoo loved me 'cuse of that law, and Kodachi, I don't even want to think about her. Saying good-bye to them didn't hurt.

Except for all those club blows to the head... :)

	Now I feel like something ya'd scrape off your shoes. 

	Ucchan's been my best friend, hell, my only friend for a long time. There's been times when she was the only one who would listen to me. Actually listen to me.

The Ukyo/Ranma best friendship is a fanfiction myth. Even the most rabid
Ukyo fanboys can't come up with a single example from the series where
Akane wouldn't listen to Ranma and Ukyo did.

	I'm sorry Ukyo.

sorry, Ukyo.

	He's friend that's all he'll ever be.

He's a friend, that's

	Ryoga is one of the strongest, toughest people I know. But I crush him with a look, just a single look and I know I just caused him more pain than 1,000 of Ranma's punches. 

Best to write out "a thousand" instead of using the numerals.

	I bring him up to my room. Kasumi saw me, she knows just what I'm about to do. I'm hopping

Her too? What's with all these broken feet in Nerima? :-)

	I'm sorry Ryoga.

sorry, Ryoga.

	"Hey you jackass wait up!"

"Hey, you jackass, wait

	Ryoga flashed a grin that included a fang, "Well I'm the right guide for that, want a traveling companion?"

for that. Want

What about Akari, BTW? Why isn't he trying to get to her place?

	"Sure sugar, I would like that."

"Sure, sugar, I

Overall, very nice emotional drama story. The feeling came through quite
well. Just fix up all the technical problems (and pleeeeeeeeeze take out
the "Ukyo is Ranma's best friend" BS ^_^) and you'll have a winner.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics