Um...hello?  I'm new at this and have no idea how to start this thing.  This
is my first fanfic posting, and it's actually more of a spamfic.  Pretty
long for a spamfic, but I think it would qualify for spam.  Or maybe a
shortfic?  I've read a lot of the Ranma stories, but since I am new, I have
no idea if this idea has been done before.  I sure hope not.  It'd be scary
if there were more than one of us out there with this idea.  

I would also consider this evil.  How many of you are familiar with the
annoying Saturday Night Live sketch, Goat Boy?  (Bu-wahaha!)

Disclaimers: The characters do not belong to me.  If you wish to know who
they do belong to because you don't already, email me and I'll tell you.
(Do I need a -real- disclaimer for a spamfic?)

C&C's are very much welcomed.  You have no idea how much I would appreciate
it. And flames are expected.  Send 'em to <migley@greenapple.com>  My
stomach is in knots wondering what the heck people would think of this, even
though it IS just spam.

Did I already lose points with the tediously long intro?

----
Pig Boy
a spamfic/shortfic by mary


"Three years ago, deep in the darkest parts of China, a young man was
unfortunately knocked into a evil, cursed spring."  A picture of Jusenkyo
was shown as a narrator spoke in a solemn tone.  "Afterwards, the man
suffered the tragic fate of turning into a small, black pig whenever
splashed with cold water," the voice dramatically said.  "Then, one dark and
stormy day, this man was struck by lightning mid-transformation.  Now, he is
forever stuck with the body of half-man, half-pig."

The narrator/announcer immediately switched to a exuberant, game-show host
voice.  "Today," the voice cheerfully announced, "this freak of nature joins
our regular host, Goat Boy, as MTV looks back at some of the world's
greatest music videos of all time!"

Logos and graphics flashed on the screen for the viewers at home as the set
appeared on tv, revealing a half-man, half-goat form sitting in a chair, the
only figure onscreen.  There was a long pause before the announcer continued.  

"Just as soon as he gets here."

Then a voice off-screen exclaimed, "Where the heck AM I?!"  

Another form was shoved out in front of the camera.  A crewman followed
behind the half-man, half-pig, trying to get the umbrella and pack off the
new co-host's back.  Ryouga was reluctant to give his umbrella up to the
worker, but he decided to let go.  As soon as Ryouga's hold on the umbrella
disappeared, the umbrella crashed into the floor with a *BANG*, shortly
followed by the crewman that gripped it.  

"You're braaAA-erg-EEEE-ee-e late," Goat Boy admonished inbetween brays.  

Ryouga, aka Pig Boy, blushed.  "Sorry.  I got lost," he mumbled, taking a
seat on the couch.  Why had he taken this job in the first place?

"Well, anyways," Goat Boy began, turning to the camera.  "Hello and
we-EEEEEH-elcome to the - A-A-AGH - show, everyone.  Here today to help us
look back at some of the b-WAAA-best videos is Pig Boy."

"Bweee!"  He meant to say, "who you calling a pig?"  He cringed. "Er, hello,
I mean..." he stammered. His gaze fixed on a certain spot.  "Um, fist...no
first we'll...start off with..." Ryouga trailed off, squinting.  "Uh, I'm
having trou-bweee reading the cue cards.  It looks like chicken scratch!" he
declared.

"It's goat scratch, pi-eeeeh-ggy," Goat Boy sneered.  Ryouga glared at him.

"Well..." Ryouga began again.  "Our first video is 'Staying Alive' by the
BWEEEE-Gee's."  The video began playing on the television monitor.  "I'll
get you for this, Goat Bweeee...er, Boy," Ryouga muttered softly.  Then his
anger was almost immediately replaced with the urge to get up and start
walking. <Strutting would be the better word.>  He began swaying slightly,
imagining himself strutting down a sidewalk.

The song ended after a few minutes, and the mood was quickly dispelled.
Ryouga turned to the host for it was his turn to talk.  He face faulted.
<Why the heck is he eating the COUCH?!>  "Um...Goat Boy?"  

Goat Boy looked up from his snack.  "Oh!  Br-a-a-a-a!  Sorry 'bout that,"
Goat Boy apologized smoothly.  "Hey, Pig Boy, behhhht this is better than
the slop you would normally eat, eh?"

"Don't call me Pig Boy!" Ryouga fumed.

"Our next video is Whi-eee-tney Houston with 'And I-ee-I-ee-I will alwaaaays
love youuuuu'" Goat Boy sang.  "Be-e-e-eh."  Ryouga continued to glare at
him.  That is, until the song began playing.

Once Whitney Houston's voice ceased to fill the studio, Goat Boy waited for
Pig Boy to introduce the next song.  And waited.  "Eeeeeh?" he brayed in
question.

Ryouga had buried his face in his hoofs, weeping bitterly.  "A-A-Akane..."
he sobbed.  "It's hopeless!  I'll be half pig at all times!  Now you'll
never fall in love with m-bweee!" He wailed louder at the last syllable,
tears gushing from his eyes.

"Da-A-A-ang!" Goat Boy exclaimed.  "You're...you're glowing!"  He looked
frantically at the guys off camera who motioned to him.  "Uh, yeah, yeah
right. Next video. Um..." he shot a glance at Ryouga, whose glow seemed to
grow with every second.  Goat Boy slowly edged away.  <He must be
radioactive!>  "Our ne-eeergg-next video is Madonna with 'Like a Virgin'."
He sighed with relief as the video began playing.  Maybe this would cheer
Pig Boy up.  It always cheered himself.  Goat Boy grinned at the image of
Madonna on monitor.  "GOD!  You're a hottie!"

Then the song ended.  

A long pause.  Then, "Oh, man!  You're bl-EER-REEEee-ding!" Goat Boy cried
out, staring at Ryouga.

"He's breeding?!" the producer exclaimed off stage, horrified.  

"Um, I think he was trying to say 'bleeding'," a cameraman whispered back.

Ryouga, meanwhile, was staring blankly at the television set, blood dripping
from his nose.  He was oblivious to the towel that was thrown at his face.
"Bwee?" he squeaked.  

The credits quickly began rolling.

----


Yep, that's it.  I even managed to answer a challenge, if that even counts.  
I know it was more stupid than funny, but I just had the urge to write.  Why
I picked this short, incredably stupid idea out of the million dramatic,
action-packed, angst-ridden ideas I have floating in my head, I haven't a clue.

Do you know how hard it is to write goat sounds?