Azusa Can't Think?
A Ranma 1/2 fanfic
Written by VHD (cudden@escape.ca)
Idea By Rev. John Felix (stubbles@gwar.net)
There was something in the air that made people pause today. Something
that made them shudder in the knowledge that somewhere, somehow, something
was seriourly wrong and disturbibng. (other than the authors) At home, in a
dress that gave a new, horrible meaning to pink and frilly, Azusa was
sitting quietly.
Now, anyone who was familiar with Azusa in the least would know,
this is not something that happened very often. As it were, Azusa had
discovered something that seemed amazing to her. She had figured out how to
work her remote, (Gabriella) and was in the process of learning how to
channel surf like a pro.
*CLICK*
<... and next on AMA, the All Martial Arts Channel, a Jackie Ch...>
"Boring."
*CLICK*
<... DOWN BEFORE THE ONE YOU SERVE, YOU'RE GONNA G...>
"Too loud."
*CLICK*
<... *KAPOW* Oh my god! They've killed Kenny! You bas...>
"Too juvenile."
*CLICK*
<... That fella's got a face like an arse...>
"EWW! Gross!"
*CLICK*
<... Coming up on the shopping network, this teddy bear is a...>
"HOW CUTE! I want it! I want it! Jennette! Jennette!" Azusa ran to
hug the teddy bear with her typical enthesueasm. Unfortunatly for Azusa the
television got in the way.
As most people can tell you, trying to hug something on T.V. is never
a good idea. Unfortunatly for Azusa, no-one had bothered to tell her before,
and if someone had, the thought had probably dissapered the first time she
had spotted something even remotly cute. By some stroke of luck, Azusa had
managed to leave the tube undamaged, while knocking herself unconcious.
A few hours later, as Azusa drifted awake, something tugged at her
mind. It could of been something important, but knowing Azusa, it probably
wasn't. As she opened her eyes, she remembered Jennette, and looked into the
television.
"Oh no! Jennette! Jennette! Where did she go?"
<... call 1-800-555-8437 to order now! Have your credit card...>
"Ah! It must be Jennette's number! Jennette! Jennette!"
Azusa rushed to her Mickey Mouse phone, (incidently named Michelle)
and dialed up the Home Shopping Network.
--------------------====At the Home Shopping Network====--------------------
Noa was having one of those days. You know, one of those days that
seem to drag on forever, where Murphy's Law is taking on a new meaning of
horror and annoyance, and where you simply can't get a decent cup of
coffee. The fact that she had a horrible hangover didn't really help
either. You know, one of THOSE days. Unfortunatly for Noa, it was just
about to get even worse.
*RIIINNG* *RIIINNG*
"Why can't they make these things quieter," thought Noa as she
reluctantly picked up the reciver. "AHEM... Welcome to the Home Shopping
Network, Noa speaking. How may I help you today?"
/"JENNETTE! I want my JENNETTE!!!!"/
'Oh no,' thought Noa, 'why the hell do I get all the weirdos?'
"Err.. well you must mean the current special of the day..."
/"Give me my JENNETTE! JENNETTE!!!!"/
'Yeah, she's a psyco, she definatly wants the ugly Ginsu Knife set'
"Okay, if I can just get your credit card number and address, we can send
it to you in 6-8 weeks."
/"Credit card? Oh... Mikado has a credit card! I'll be right back!"/
"Err... hello?"
------------------------====Somewhere in Nerima====-------------------------
Mikado walked down the street, head hung low. He was depressed,
nervous and strangley silent. He could barely beleive it, that he, THE
Mikado Sanzanin, actually had women problems. "I've kissed almost every
pair of kissable lips in Nerima, " he murmured to himself "I'm unsatisfied,
unfufilled.... Maybe I should try something else.." Mikado then spied `the
Pig-Tailed one` walking down the street, "I've kissed her before, maybe I
should try something different...." Before Mikado could continue, his train
of thought was derailed by something pink and annoying that was squeasing
the breath out of him, Azusa.
"MikadoMikadoMikadoIwantyourcreditcardAnnettesoIcangetJennettewhoisso-
cuteyouwouldnotbelieveitsogimmegimmegimme!" Azusa paused to take a breath.
"Mikado? Are you alright?"
"*GASP*... can't.... *wheeze*... breathe..."
"Oops! Sorry Mikado. Now, gimmegimmeyourcreditcardAnnette! Annette!"
"Fine you witch!" Mikado dug out his credit card out of his wallet
and handed it to Azusa before she could cause him anymore unwanted harm.
"Take it and go! I have other matters to attend to." As Azusa skated away
hugging her new credit card, Mikado chased down the street after
Ranma-chan. "I shall give the Pig-Tailed one a kiss more passionate than
before."
"Mikado? HEY! What do ya think you're doing you perv-MMMMPPPHHH!!"
---------------------------==== 6 weeks later ====--------------------------
Azusa was getting impatient. And when Azusa gets impatient, Azusa
gets annoying. Azusa was getting VERY impatient. She grabed her phone and
quickly dialed a number.
*RIINNG* *CLICK* /"..bethebitchdon'tbethebitch... AHEM. Welcome to
the Home Shopping Network, Noa speaking. How may I help you today?"/
"JENNETTE! Where is my Jennette!"
/"@#@$!! Don't you get enough you witch! We told you 6 to 8 weeks!
6 to 8 #$%^ing weeks! CAN'T YOU WAIT THAT LONG! We're sick and
@#($@#$*)@ tired of you calling EVERY #@%&in HOUR!"/
Azusa was distracted from the spout of profanity by the doorbell
ringing. Hanging up the phone, with the operator still in the process of a
mental breakdown, she ran to the impossibly cute and fuzzy front door
(named Phillipe, as if you cared) and flung it open. Standing there on the
front porch was a delivery man who was in the running for worst personal
hygene in a fanfic ever. His breath was peeling the paint, he hadn't combed
his hair or his scraggly beard in who knows how long, 5 different colours
stained his once white t-shirt that was too tight and showed his flabby
man-breasts to all, and to top it all off, his fly was down, and a somewhat
fishy smell emmenated from that area. Azusa looked at him and could simply
blink. The man with no concept of hygene tucked a package under his arm and
looked at his clipboard while scratching himself.
"Uhh.. dulivery fer miss Azusa, Shera... er.. Shira..."
"That's ME!" yelled Azusa as she grabbed the package. She then
skipped back inside and slammed the door behind her.
"Uh.. sign here.. aw nevermind.."
Azusa slammed the package down onto the table and ripped off the
brown, slightly stained paper packaging. "Oh? What's this?" thought Azusa
out loud as she examined the contents, "Ginsu 3 piece set? Special frilly
pink edition? HOW CUTE! Danyell! Cecil! Rochelle!" Azusa grabbed the 3
and ran up to her room. "Let me introduce you! This is Jenvier, this is
Rossetta, this is Charlotte. Charlotte why are you raking a tin cup across
the bars of your cage? Nevermind. Meet Danyell, Cecil and Rochelle!"
Charlotte, better know as P-Chan backed away as far as he could
while looking as nervous as a pig would be when their captor shows them how
shiny and sharp their new knives look.
"Well, goodnight Danyell!" *HUG* *SLICE*
"Goodnight Cecil!" *HUG* *SLICE*
"And goodnight Rochelle!" *HUG* *STAB*
As most people could tell you, hugging Ginsu knives is not a good
idea. For someone with a deadly grip like Azusa, it was even worse.
Unwittingly she had cut yourself along the wrists and stomach, although the
pain had yet to hit her brain. Azusa was not feeling well, Maybe it was the
massive blood loss. Even if she didn't realise what she had done to
herself, she knew that something was not right. She crawled her way to her
phone and with her last bit of strenght, painfully dialed a number.
*RIIINNG* *CLICK* /*sigh* "Welcome, Home Shopping Network. Noa
speaking. How may I help you today?"/
"Where's... my... Jennette..."
----------------------------==== Epilouge ====------------------------------
<...body of champion martial-arts figure skater, Azusa Shiratori,
was found in her home today after an anonymous phone call. Suicide is
suspected, yet foul play has not been ruled out. In releated news,
investigations are continuing into the assult of her skating partner,
Mikado Sanzanin, who was violently beaten by a group of feminists, six
weeks ago... >
Ryoga sat in the Tendo Dojo watching T.V. with Ranma while waiting
for Akane to finish cooking. Everyone else had been smart enough to of made
excuses beforehand, and so were thankfully absent. Still feeling a bit
nervous about the "incident" with Mikado six weeks ago, Ranma glanced over
at Ryoga. Wondering why Ryoga looked so pale and disturbed, Ranma decided
to tease him a bit.
"Hey, Ryoga, you sad about Azusa getting killed likt that? Betcha
miss being her little pet piggy."
"Shut up Ranma"
"Aww... did I hurt your feelings Charlotte?"
"I'm P-CHAN you idiot, not Charlotte!"
Just then Akane walked in bearing a charred, (and still moving) dish
filled with unidentifiable bits. "Who's P-Chan?"
------------------------------------END-------------------------------------
There you go, my first fanfic. Probably plenty of spelling mistakes still
in there, so just ignore them. Any comments? Send them to cudden@escape.ca,
feel free to C&C, MST3K or whatever. Flames will be thrown on the fire for
heat. Of course all character property of their respective owners, I don't
own any of these characters.
Special thanks to Rev. John Felix, this is his twisted idea in the first
place. :)
- Damien a.k.a. VHD
-------
Reverend John Felix
Gwar-Subgenius-Fanfics-IRC-Mstings
stubbles@gwar.net
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