This chapter of Sailor Python must come close to having the longest
gestation period of any fanfic chapter, excluding those that are never
heard from again....
Thought I'd give people the benefit of the horror that is Sailor Python's
Flying Dead Moon Circus Part 3
----o
PLEASE GIVE TO THE "SAVE JADEITE" FUND FOR EX-SAILORMOON VILLAINS,
AND HELP THOSE UNFORTUNATES WHO HAVE APPEARED IN FEWER THAN 20
EPISODES.
Hotaru ^_^;;
"Ano... Did I make it to 20?"
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SAILOR DDFA SAYS:
If you drink and drive, you're a bloody idiot.
But if you drink, drive and make it home alive, you're a bloody
legend.
(This message was brought to you by the foundation for complete
social irresponsibility)
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And now we return to our normally-scheduled program. In which we
shall present a man with three buttocks....
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PLUTO EMERGES, IN ROYAL GUISE.
"We apologise for the late starting of chapter 3 of this
fanfic. We were hoping Queen Elizabeth would attend the ceremony,
but she was apparently run over by a leather omnibus this morning
and declined the offer. So it is up to me to perform the ceremony."
PLUTO SITS BEHIND STEERING WHEEL OF CHAPTER 3, HOLDING KEYS.
"My husband and I have great pleasure in bringing you chapter
3 of Sailor Python's Flying Dead Moon Circus."
SHE TURNS THE KEYS. THE CHAPTER MAKES CHUGGING NOISES, THEN
STOPS. SHE LOOKS AT THE CHAPTER IN SURPRISE, THEN LEANS FORWARD
WITH DETERMINATION.
"My husband and I have great pleasure in bringing you chapter
3 of Sailor Python's Flying Dead Moon Circus."
SHE TURNS THE KEYS AGAIN, WITH THE SAME RESULT.
"My husband and I are having great difficulty in bringing you
chapter 3 of Sailor Python's Flying Dead Moon Circus..."
SHE TRIES ONE LAST TIME, BUT THE CHAPTER JUST GRINDS TO A
HALT. SHE GETS OUT AND KICKS IT.
"Alright! I warned you! I've told you time and time again!
Well, don't say I didn't so! I'm gonna give you a damned good
thrashing!"
PLUTO LOOKS AROUND FOR SOMETHING TO HIT THE CHAPTER WITH. SHE
SPIES SOMETHING AND BOUNDS AWAY, RETURNING WITH A LARGE TREE BRANCH
WHICH SHE PROCEEDS TO WHAP AGAINST THE FRONT AND SIDE OF THE
CHAPTER. BEHIND HER, AN ENGLISH POLICE BOBBY MAKES AN APPEARANCE.
"Ello ello ello. What appears to be going on 'ere then?"
PLUTO TURNS TO HIM, LOOKING SHEEPISH, TRYING TO HIDE THE
BRANCH.
"Ah, officer. I appear to be having trouble starting this
chapter."
"Looks more to me like you were tryin' to give it an 'iding,
love. I must say, that's no way to treat a Sailormoon fanfic."
"It is if its this cantakerous beast. Been months since the
last chapter came out."
"Ah, I see. That'd be because of dat damned Usagi is Dead fic
the writer is workin' on. He does get so obsessed about that,
sometimes."
"Hmm... But it doesn't solve the problem with this fic."
"Oh well, lemme see under the bonnet, then."
PLUTO RAISES THE BONNET AND THE BOBBY TAKES A GOOD LOOK
INSIDE. HE NODS AND STANDS UP.
"Well then. It seems to have all the makings of a proper
idea. But I must say, the execution of that idea has been somewhat
tardy. All the same, all the componentry is in the right place. I
wonder what the fuel situation is like."
THE BOBBY OPENS UP THE FUEL CAP AND PEERS INSIDE. HE BACKS
AWAY AS A GHOSTLY FIGURE EMERGES.
"Jeez, it's about time too."
BOTH PLUTO AND THE BOBBY STARE AS ANNO HIDEAKI STEPS OUT OF
THE FUEL TANK AND STARES AROUND.
"Bloody hell.... I know I left that Prozac around here,
somewhere. Here Prozzie Prozzie.... Here boy...."
HE STOMPS OFF IN SEARCH OF A GOOD "USAGI IS DEAD" CHAPTER
(THERE MUST BE ONE, SOMEWHERE). THE BOBBY TURNS TO PLUTO.
"Well, it would seem we have found your problem. Too much
existentialist angst in your fuel tank."
^_^-----^_^-----^_^-----^_^-----^_^-----^_^-----^_^-----^_^-----^_^
Sailor Python
Chapter 3
"Spot The Loony"
or
"Where the Buffalo Roam and the Bodycount Rises"
^_^-----^_^-----^_^-----^_^-----^_^-----^_^-----^_^-----^_^-----^_^
Osaka Naru sat at her desk in the small office she would often
describe as her own, mostly as this was true. If there was anything
she had learnt on her ascent to the position of Grand Marshal of the
Guard within Crystal Tokyo, it was the power of bribery and
corruption.
"Singis, where is my daily perversion?" She stared at her
manservant.
"I am very very sorry, Madame, but it hasn't cooled down in
the fridge long enough."
"Look, I don't have all day to wait for it. Get it out and
I'll try it on." She stood impatiently, the long robes of her
position sweeping the floor as she stepped around the desk, thus
ceasing the requirement of a cleaner.
There was a knock at the door to her office, and she growled
with frustration. "Can't I get a moment to indulge in my hobbies?
Who is it now?" She stamped over to the door and opened it, to be
confronted with a hideously ugly monster named Umino Gurio. Naru
jumped about three feet at the sight of him.
"Hello, my dawling." He drooled.
"U... Umino-chan...." Naru smiled, nervously. "How can I
help you?"
"I looove you my dawling."
"Steady. Down boy." Naru winced as he leered forward.
"Here, have these. I grew them myself."
"A handful of hair...." Naru took the greasy strands
reluctantly. She turned aside. "Singis, put these in a jar of hair
oil...."
As her manservant took the hair away with disgust, Naru waved
Umino in. "Please, Umino-chan, take a seat."
"Thanks, Naru-chan." He grabbed a seat and ran like heck.
Naru cursed. She had to stop using lines like that. She lost more
furniture that way.... She stepped over to a small sink set in the
side of the office and sterilised the hand that took Umino's hair.
The phone rang on her desk and she answered it. "Listen, you
stupid phone, will you JUST stop calling me?"
"Sorry." It said. She hung up.
"Dammit, I need that perversion and I need it now! I'm
getting really stressed out, here."
"Umm, excuse me, Miss Grand Marshal of the Guard Osaka Naru
whatever your name is...." Naru spun to the newcomer, a senshi
private of her personal guard, who was standing in the doorway.
"What do you want, Private Parts?"
Parts stepped into the office. "Umm, we've had reports that
there is a dangerous person approaching the palace station on the
railcar system. She apparently has one of our agents trapped aboard
the car. On top of that, she has violently assaulted the Guardian
of the Time Gate."
"Whoo, you sound like a plot device."
"Thanks ma'am, I try."
"So who is this violent criminal?"
"We do not know that, ma'am, but she has many great and
mysterious powers that may threaten the stability of the Kingdom."
"What? She prefers butter to margarine?"
"It is a distinct possibility."
Naru paced around her office. "Damn that fiend. It'll be the
end of civilisation as we know it." They both jumped when they
heard an explosion outside the office.
"Wh... What was THAT?" Parts stared at the smoking set of
feet standing some distance from the doorway to the office.
"HOT DAMN! The anti-Mormon device is working after all."
Naru cleared her throat for a moment. "Umm, its nothing, Private.
Ignore it."
"Umm.. So, what should we do?" Parts looked at her.
"Hmm?"
"What should we do?"
"About what?"
"The criminal."
"What criminal?"
"The criminal that is on the railcar, heading towards the
palace with one of our agents as hostage."
"Oh, that criminal. Well, we have control of the railcar
system. Stop the vehicle when it reaches the Guard Post station.
We'll deal wiv da blighter when she gets here."
Suddenly, the wall to the office crumbled away, and a
Sailorsenshi in a white, purple and black fuku, carrying a large
can opener, came charging in, a psychotic gleam in her eyes.
"OH MY GOD! SATURN'S ON THE LOOSE AGAIN!" Private Parts
cowered in fear. Naru, however, remained calm.
"DINSDALE!" Saturn stared at Naru, who levelled her gaze.
"Saturn! How many times have you been told. Dinsdale is
back in your padded cell."
Saturn held the can opener towards Naru threateningly.
"DINSSSSSSDALE." She hissed.
"Return at once, Saturn. Your quarry awaits you there."
Saturn squinted her eyes, then turned back to the hole in
the wall. "DINSDALE!" She jumped through.
"Kami-sama! Ma'am, you dealt with that well." Parts looked
at Naru for a few moments. Naru shook her head sadly.
"Yes, well... One has to expect this kind of thing with
Saturn. How would you feel if you discovered your mother was also
your sister."
IMAGE - PLUTO HOLDING A PITCHFORK, DRESSED LIKE A COUNTRY HICK, CHEWING
ON A PIECE OF STRAW. SOUNDS OF BANJO MUSIC IN THE BACKGROUND.
Pluto: we don't like no strangers 'round here.
Private Parts shuddered. "Yes ma'am.... It does bring up all
kinds of strange images.
"Better be careful with what strange images you come up with,
there, Private... things could get nasty otherwise."
IMAGE - NEPTUNE, LYING IN A BATH OF CUSTARD, RECITING HAMLET.
"Yes, I see what you mean." Private Parts nodded.
"Oh, and get a name change.... You're the laughing stock of
the military...." Naru dismissed Private Parts and turned back to
Singis, whose hands needed surgical replacement after touching
Umino's oil-dripping hair. "Now, where is that perversion? I need
it NOW!"
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DDFA (The Right Dishonourable Mark A Page) ayanami@merlin.net.au
Chief Propoganda Officer, Keeper of the Tapes, Co-Founder of the
Saitou-chan Fan Club and Compulsive Rabies-san Shit-Stirrer. ^_^