ShortYes@aol.com wrote:

After seeing the success of Mistaken identity, I went back and revised another
of my story I wrote around that time.  Hope you all like it.

This is an alternate universe.  Most of my writings are alternate universe.

Looks like a promising beginning. One thing, though:

     "Why don't you give up Akane.

The way this is written, Ranma isn't asking Akane to give up. He's
asking someone else to give HER up. "Why don't you give up Akane, Ryoga,
and marry Akari?"

You make this mistake many times throughout this chapter. When a speaker
addresses a listener by name, ALWAYS set the name off with a comma (or
two, as appropriate): "Why don't you give up, Akane."

This may seem like a nitpicky thing, but as you can see, it can
completely change the meaning of a sentence if you don't get it right.
Genma is very, very unlikely to say "I volunteer, Ranma!" but he might
well say "I volunteer Ranma!"


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics