My latest experiment in mixing script and prose styles in varying amounts.
Any and all comments welcomed.




Disclaimer:  Neither the characters from Ranma .5 nor Leave It to Beaver
are mine.  They are used without permission.

Remember the sitcoms of the 50's?   When innocence, sibling love, and
fatherly advice were supreme? A time of mothers who baked cookies, fathers
who were successful at nameless jobs, and children who always were in
trouble, but with some good old American parental guidence, they always
came through in the end. 

+++
	It was -not- a sunny day in Nerima.  Birds were -not- chirping.
Kasumi had -not- once again multiplied her recommended dosage of Prozac by
fifty.

	It was a rainy day in Nerima, which is why instead of practicing
outside, Akane was watching television.   "Ranma no baka."  she muttered
under her breath.  "I know my cooking may not be great, but you didn't
have to leave a week early to escape it..."  She continued her grumbling
as she walked into the kitchen for a snack.

	Kasumi had anticipated her, and had prepared milk and cookies for
both herself and Akane.  Together, they walked back into the family room,
where the television was blaring some dubbed old gaijin show.  They had
just sat down, when Kasumi exclamed  "Oh my!"
+++

[Cleaver Kitchen]
Beaver:	Mom!  This breakfast is great!

June:	Thank you, Beaver.  I made your favorite pancakes...what was that?

OS(Offscreen):  Bakusai-Tenketsu!

[Cleaver front lawn]
Ranma:  Damn it.  Where the hell are we now, P-chan?  This is the last
	time I follow you around!

Ryouga:	Ranma!  Don't call me P-chan!

A flurry of blows are exchanged, and once or twice, Ryouga attempts to
blast the ground beneath Ranma via the Breaking-Point Technique.  Both
stop when Ward Cleaver opens the front door.

Ward:	Why, hello there!  What are you two boys doing here?

Ryouga:	Um...well...heh heh...

Ranma:	-This- baka got us lost.

Ryouga: RAN-MA!  I am not a baka!

Ranma:	Yeah, sure P-chan.  [turns back to Ward]  Anyway, do you know how
	to get to Nerima?

Ward:	Nerima?  No, I don't even know where Nerima is.  (heh heh) Well,
	please come inside and have some breakfast.

+++
*KLONK*
"Akane?  Please wake up, Akane.  Oh my!"
+++

[Cleaver kitchen, at the table]

Beaver:	Hi!  I'm Beaver.  Who are you two?

Most of the people at the table are eating normally, and Ranma...well,
he's eating like he normally does as well.

Ranma:	I'm Ranma.  He's P-chan.

Ryouga:	What did you call me?

Ryouga is visably restraining himself from bashing in Ranma's head, while
Ranma seems to pile away the food with little concern.  He finally
finishes what's on his plate.

Ranma:	Thanks!  That was a great okonomiyaki.  Tasted a little funny
	though.

June:	Why, thank you!  (to herself)  Okonomiyaki?

Ward:	Well, I guess I'll be getting off to work, now.   Beaver, why
	don't you take Ranma and Ryouga to school, while I go to work.

Ranma and Ryouga's protests are cut off by the youngest sibling of the
Cleaver family.

Beaver:	But dad, I'm feeling sick today.  I don't want to go to school.

June:	Don't argue with your father, Beaver.  (to Ward) Goodbye, dear.

[School]

Teacher:Class, it looks like we have two new students today.
	Ranma and Ryouga.

R&R stand in front of the classroom and wave.

Teacher:Well, let's test you on your knowledge.

[Acting class]

Ryouga:	Umino!  Umino!  Wherefore art thou, Umino!

Director: No, no, no...  Use genuine emotions.  You're a ham.

Ryouga smashes his fist through a wall.  Turning towards the director with
murder in his eyes, he asks a simple question.

Ryouga:	And just who are you calling a ham?

Director: <sweatdrop>  No one, no one, heh heh heh...

[History class]

Teacher:...and who wrote about modes on analysis?  Ryouga?

Ryouga:	Um...John Locke?

Teacher:No, it was Thomas Bacon!  Bacon!  Bacon!

Ryouga:	ARRRGGGHHH!

[Chemistry]

*BOOM*

Ranma:	Damn it, P-chan...

Teacher:I will not tolerate such language, young man!  Now, I'll
	have to feed you this bar of soap.

*CRUNCH* *MUNCH* *BURP*

Teacher:...

Ranma:	What?  It's not the best, but it's a hellu'va lot better than
Akane's cooking.
 
+++ 
	"Why isn't Ranma doing well in school, Akane?  I know that Ryouga
doesn't go to school, but Ranma..."
 	"I don't know, Kasumi.  I mean, he may be a baka, but even he's
not -this- bad."
	"And they seem to speak English so well, too..."
	"Oh, no!  Kasumi, do you think...?"  The two sisters looked at
each other, and gasped in horror. 

"THEY'VE BEEN DUBBED!"
+++

[Recess, in the shaded lot behind the school playground]

Four bullies in their mid twenties walk up to Beaver.

Bully #1:Lunch money.  Now.

Beaver:	But I already gave you my money yesterday.  A-and I already ate
	lunch...

About twenty minutes later, Beaver staggers towards the school building.
He is almost at the front enterance, when an explosion is heard.  Turning
around, he sees two enraged Martial Artists

Ryouga:	Die, Ranma!  SHI SHI HOKOUDAN!

Ranma:	MOUKO TAKABISHA!  What's the matter, P-chan?  Are ya...hey!
	What's with Beaver?

Beaver quickly ducks into the building to escape notice.  However, he does
not count on the tracking skills that Martial Artists have.  After
steering Ryouga in the correct direction for several minutes, they hide
behind a corner while evesdropping on a conversation between Beaver and
his father. Getting the gist of the conversation (Beaver was beat up),
they look at each other other and nod.

[Split Screen.  On the left is Ward Cleaver's office, while the right
shows Ranma and Ryouga walking torwards the abandoned lot]

Secretaty:  Here's the Trichner file, sir.

Ward is about to open it, but the phone rings instead.

Ward: 	Hello, Beaver.  What?  You've been beat up?  Well, don't worry
	about it.  Let me tell you a story...

(R&R are surrounded by the bullies)

Ward:	Once, when I was a boy in school, I was attacked by a bully too.

(R&R parlay with the leader, who makes threatening gestures.  The two
laugh like crazy)

Ward:	However, I spoke with him, and found out why he tried to beat me
	up all the time.  It turned out that he wasn't all that different
	than me. 

(Ranma contemptuously puts his hands behind his back, and starts to snap
kicks at the gang.  Meanwhile, Ryouga rips out a telephone pole, and
starts to swing it around)

Ward: 	In the end, son, I didn't have to resort to violence at all. 
	You know my good friend Mr. Jinnai?  You do?  Well, he's the one. 
	Yeah, kind of something, isn't it?

(Gang Leader is backed against the wall, with bruses over his face, his
hands put up is a futile warding motion.  R&R crack their knuckles)

Ward:	So, remember son. Anyone can use violence, but it takes a real man
not to use violence.  Okay?  Love you too.  Bye bye.

+++
*SNIFF*
Kasumi beamed at the screen, then turned towards Akane.
"You see, Akane?  You don't need to use violence to succeed.  After all,
Mr. Cleaver didn't, and he runs a successful protection racket."
"Actually Kasumi, they usually send conflicting signals as to what he does
for his work. "
+++

Secretary: Here's the Liao file, sir.

Ward:	Hmmm...looks like he's behind on his protection payments.  Ice 
	him.

Beaver walks towards the lot.  Ranma has already chased after Ryouga, who
has gotten lost again.  He approaches the Gang leader, who is screaming in
pain.

Beaver:  Um...excuse me.  I'd like to talk to you.

Seeing no response, he pokes the leader a couple of times.

Beaver:	I'd like to *poke* (ow!) talk to you *poke* (ow! quit it, ya
	stupid kid!) about how similar we really are *pokepokepoke*
	(arrrggghhh!) and how we can all get along...

[At the Cleaver home]

June:	Well, Beaver.  You seem a lot happier today.

Beaver:	Yeah, mom.  I made some new friends today.  By the way, where are
	Ranma and Ryouga? And where's Wally?

June:	I don't know, dear.  I guess they left.  And Wally said that he
found a new girlfriend...

[Mayfield commercial district]

Ranma-chan, sitting in the passanger seat of a car, fends off Wally's
hands, while P-chan is gnawing at his pigtail.

Wally: 	(in a suave voice) C'mon.  I know you're tired, so why don't we
	stop off at that
	motel and take a rest.

Ranma-chan: Get away from me, hentai!

END
(whew!)

I'm stopping this here.  I originally intended this just to be a culture
clash fic between the 50's and the Ranma cast.  I have no clue where I
gained the inspiration to screw up the basic premise of Leave It to
Beaver.

Anyone have some stock dialouge for LITB?  I've been running off of what I
remember (which isn't much), so I'm sure that the characters sound all
wrong.

C&C welcomed.  So are flames.  Actually, that's not quite true.
Nondescriptive flames are not welcome.  So, "You f***ing dumbass!"  is not
wanted.  "You f***ing dumbass, the third verb in sentance 14 is a dangling
participle!" is much better.


-Natsume Ranma Ranma
-------
The sardines weren't worth the trouble.  A few more shots, then 
Ryoga-san would overheat and explode.  Ducking around a corner, 
I managed to lose him as I entered the ramshackle residence of 
my Anime supplier.

One look at his face and I knew that I was betrayed.  "Tell me."
I insisted.  He refused, so I slammed him against the wall.
"Last chance.  Where can Ranma-Ranma find good fanfics?"
"Try Jason Liao." he whispered, before he slumped to the floor.
I heard the sounds of a door splintering as I left through the 
window, one step ahead of Tendo Heavy Industries...