It is the world of Darkness.. In the background blade wielding teddybears
dance around a huge xmass tree to the tune of "Grandma got run over by a
raindeer".

A 15 year old girl with red eyes and short blue ponytails sits in a white
dress with red polka dots and watches a monitor bank.  Her gaze drifts
across the monitors, pausing briefly on MS-NBC's "Investigating the
President" and CNN's "Investigating Microsoft".  Apparently they do get
500 cable channels in hell.

She senses that somebody is watching her and looks up.  "Hi, I'm Mayuka
Masaki, Tenchi's daughter."

The camera shifts over to the person sitting next to her, a teenaged girl
with blue eyes and red pigtails.

"And I'm Yoiko Hibiki - no relation."

Mayuka: "And we're here to review evil fanfics!  Today, we're doing Ryan
Erik's Vengeance Prelude."

Yoiko:  Which promises to be dark.  But will it be truly evil...?

The monitor bank fades to black and then the fanfic begins to scroll up
across the bank in very large type.  Which is fortunate given the state of
pre-digital video.

From: "Ryan Erik" <magusbloodstone@hotmail.com>
Subject: [FFML] [ff] [Ranma] [Dark] Vengeance Prelude

This is going to be an extremely dark fic, so if you are of weak heart
or if your offended by violence and bad language (or if you just don't
like Ranma 1/2 in general) I would not recommend reading this.

Yoiko:  Not for the squeamish.  Gotcha.

For
those who don't fit in those categories... I suggest that you let your
emotions run wild while reading this. It may start like any normal
Ranma adventure, but things don't always work out in our heroes favor
(I wouldn't consider it a dark fic yet, but remember that this is only
the prelude).

Mayuka: "Aw!  Chicken!"

Yoiko:  It may not be dark yet, but it has such an ominous introduction...
        *evil grin*

Most of the characters within the story are from the Anime Series,
Ranma 1/2 and are property of Rumiko Takahashi, and whoever else may
own the rights. I write this without permission and do so with no
attempt to profit off of the marvelous works. Please enjoy.

A Ranma 1/2 Fanfiction: Vengeance
      Prelude: Ryouga Plots Revenge
              by Ryan Erik

Yoiko:  Revenge is good.  Now if Ryoga actually SUCCEEDS in exacting
        revenge, that'll be something to see!

       The rain poured endlessly over the near flooding

Yoiko:  near-flooding

streets of
Nerima on that Monday morning. Merchants along Nerima's streets closed
shop early due to the storm and the people's unwillingness to leave
the safety of indoors. Hitoshi Yoshida was one such merchant, owning a
flower shop which did oddly well in all seasons.

Mayuka: "Yeah, 3rd street is only two inches below flood level."

       Hitoshi gazed outside through his glass door watching the rain
wash the street clean of anything and anyone who was stupid enough to
brave it. He didn't care much for the very odd weather patterns that
Nerima had picked up in the last couple years,

Yoiko:  Couple of years

but business certainly has never been better.

Yoiko:  had never been better.

Strangely enough, his best customer hasn't been

Yoiko:  Hadn't been.

seen for days though. "I wonder what happened to that poor fool Kuno?"

Mayuka: "Which Kuno?  Just tell us what color flowers they ordered at
least."

Yoiko:  Does it really matter?

Mayuka: "Well I like both black and red."

Yoiko:  Kodachi probably grows her own.  Anyway, I'd think either of the
        Kunos would be a rich fool, not a poor one.

       He wouldn't see anyone else today so he went to flip the
'Closed' sign, but the door gave way to allow a young man enter.

Mayuka: "Hmmm...  Smashes in doors, must not be Shampoo then."

Yoiko:  You've never seen Shampoo enter a room, have you?

Mayuka: "Well, she smashes in walls, right?"

Yoiko:  D'oh!  Of course she does.  Doors are too easy to replace. ^_~
        Besides, wall is obstacle, Shampoo destroy!

Hitoshi looked at this customer closely not recognizing him to be one
of his regulars.

Yoiko:  The regulars climb in through the window.

'Only Kuno would be foolish enough to actually buy
flowers on a day like this... but maybe not.' He smiled and allowed
his customer enter and set down his umbrella, allowing the merchant to
get a good look at the young man.
       Standing quite tall, the man loomed over the short merchant,
by a good foot or more. He had short, but somewhat shaggy, black hair
that was hiding a yellow and black spotted bandanna which only showed
on the back of his head.

Yoiko:  Ryoga's not all THAT tall.  Kuno's taller.  The merchant must be a
        Munchkin.

He wore a look of confusion on his face that
pointed that he knew not where he was.

Yoiko:  And speaking of Kuno, that was a very Kuno-esque turn of phrase
        there.  It would be simpler to say the look of confusion on his
        face plainly showed that he had no idea where he was.  Or that he
        was lost.

He had the look of a boy who
lost his way from home, but this was no child.

Yoiko:  Oh, he's definitely no child... ^_~

The young man looked
Hitoshi's way giving him a good view of his face even though it was
somewhat dark in the shop.

Mayuka: "OK, the visitor is getting a good look at Hitoshi's face, right?"

Yoiko:  I think it meant Hitoshi's taking a good look at Ryoga.  And who
        wouldn't?

Mayuka: "You always look fondly at your brother?"

Yoiko:  Of course!  He's not really my brother, though...

Mayuka: (Her pupils shrink to little dots)  "Someday papa will be mine!"

Yoiko:  Er... yeah.

He had young but roughened features, as if
he had been through much weathering. Many girls would find him quite
attractive, or so Hitoshi thought.

Mayuka: "Well, what sort of guys does Hitoshi like?"

His eyes are what made the man seem

Yoiko:  His eyes were

unordinary, which was by far very ordinary here in Nerima. They seemed
to carry a great burden and hopelessness that were probably fueled by
some inner self-loathing.

Yoiko:  Hitoshi's a mind-reader in his spare time.

Hitoshi considered himself a good judge of
people who he just met, and this young man seemed undyingly troubled.

Mayuka: "Some troubles carry on past death.  I've met some zombies like
that."

       "Can I help you young man?" Hitoshi asked a few moments after
this young man had entered his shop. "Are you looking for something or
just trying to get out of the rain?"

Yoiko:  He's been looking for his TV remote for two years.

The man looked at him, with a
definite internal struggle going on within. The youth seemed very
unsure of himself at that moment.

Yoiko:  The man has a definite internal struggle going on within him as
        he's looking at Ryoga?  Just what is it he's thinking of?

       "Umm... well, I'm looking for Nerima. You wouldn't happen to
know where that is?" At least the boy knew Japanese.

Yoiko:  Well, he kind of IS Japanese...

He looked at the
merchant and the merchant beamed a warm smile at the youth.

Yoiko:  Then Scotty announced that there was no more power, and they
        couldn't beam anything else.

"You do
not have to look far, young one. You are standing in my flower shop
that lies

Yoiko:  Flower shops that tell the truth are hard to come by.

in the center of Nerima." The shock on the youth's face
turned to ecstasy after a few moments. Hitoshi thought he heard the
youth mumble something about thanking fate. "Well, you might as well
make yourself comfortable. No one with any common sense would walk
out in that downpour." The youth smiled at him showing a fang-like
tooth.

Yoiko:  Then he walked out into the downpour.

       He found some chairs in his storage room and set them down,
motioning for the youth to sit, as he took a seat himself.

Mayuka: "This action interrupts the mood.  Why not cut it?"

"Now why
don't you tell me why you are so troubled while we wait for this
storm to pass us by?" The youth took a seat and set his large pack
on the floor. "Oh, I forgot my manners. I am Hitoshi Yoshida, owner
of this fine establishment, the Flower Emporium." He stood up briefly
and bowed to the youth.
       The young man stood up bowed and said, "I'm Ryouga Hibiki." He
sat down once more and appeared to be thinking deeply.

Yoiko:  Of course, we all know appearances can be deceiving. ^_~

The merchant
relaxed in his chair and gave Ryouga his time to answer his first
question. The youth looked eager to pour out his woes just as the
heavens poured rain upon them this very day.
       "I don't know where to began,"

Yoiko:  begin.

Ryouga said honestly

Yoiko:  Need a comma after "honestly."

throwing up his hands.

Yoiko:  He threw up his hands?  What on earth made him want to swallow them
        in the first place?

The merchant reassured them

Yoiko:  The merchant had to reassure himself as well?

that the rain would take a
while to pass, so the youth began his story. "I guess it all began
years ago when I first met him..." He put his hand through his hair
pushing it aside and away from his eyes. He then told the merchant
briefly about his first encounter with another youth named Ranma
Saotome, of whom the Hitoshi was familiar.

Yoiko:  With whom Hitoshi was familiar.

He described how they first
met when Ranma kept stealing bread from him in the lunch line in
junior high school, and then about how Ranma 'skipped out' on their
duel. "...but the coward didn't have courage to show himself on the
fourth day!" Ryouga then told him how he pursued Ranma across the
ocean into China, and he described for Hitoshi, the many hardships
that he encountered.

Yoiko:  "And he described the many hardships he had encountered."  You've
        got an extra comma in there, and we already know he's talking to
        Hitoshi.  I was thining they're the only ones in the shop.

"So I followed him to this place called Jusenkyo,
but..."

Mayuka: "Long winded, isn't he?"

Yoiko:  He can be chatty. ^_~

       "You went to Jusenkyo??!" Hitoshi was shocked. He was familiar
with the accursed place.

Yoiko:  Everybody's familiar with Jusenkyo, but nobody thought to warn
        Ranma and his doofus father about it.

"Did you get cursed?" Ryouga nodded sadly
and cast his eyes upon the floor.

Yoiko:  Now there's a mental image I could've lived without...  I like
        his eyes just fine where they are.

Mayuka: (Ryouga voice)  "Damn, snake eyes!  Your throw."

Ryouga explained how the young girl
knocked him into the spring of the drowned pig, so that when the poor
youth comes into contact with cold water he turns into a small black
pig while hot water reverses the transition back into a human.

Yoiko:  The present tense really doesn't seem to fit here.  Also, we
        already know all this.  It'd be simpler to say that Ryoga
        explained about his curse.  Or, if you really want the
        explanation in there, how about "so that when the poor youth
        came into contact with cold water he would turn into a small
        black pig..."

After
that he told him of his hardships and how he once again he found Ranma

Yoiko:  One "he" too many in there.

Saotome, and how he met his love Akane Tendo. He went into detail
about how Ranma teased him to no end. "So this Ranma, who is at fault
for turning you into a pig in the first place, not only isn't sorry,
but he also pokes fun at you?" Ryouga nodded causing Hitoshi to scowl.

Mayuka: "This explanation isn't sufficient for anybody who doesn't know
    the story and is overkill for anybody who does and the mood
    development is very slight, so who's it for?"

Yoiko:  Good point.

       "So, what has happened since then?" Ryouga told him of his
wanderings and how they always took him back to Nerima. He also
explained the situation with Ranma, and how he leads

Yoiko:  There's that present tense again.

on four women at
their, and their possible other suitor's,

Yoiko:  Suitors'.  It might be better to say "at their expense" and leave
        it at that.  Or "at the expense of the women and their possible
        other suitors."

expense.

Mayuka: "Your brother wants all four of the girls?"

Yoiko:  We're not related.  Yet.

Of this he was very
certain, for Ryouga made it very clear that he hated the young Saotome
and wanted revenge on him desperately. "I see. You want revenge but
hurting him would also in turn hurt Akane, and your chances with her."
He pondered on this young mans poor luck, and wondered if anyone
could have any worse?

Yoiko:  Man's.  And you need a period after worse, not a question mark.

       "Hmm, so does this Akane Tendo return your love at all?"
       "I don't know," was all Ryouga could say. "I know her love for
Ranma, if she has any, is misplaced. He is a horrible person and
can only insult her. Why can't she see that?"

Mayuka: "Either that's all he can say and he stops there or maybe he finds
    a second wind?"

Yoiko:  Apparently, Ryoga's in quite a talky mood right now.

Hitoshi had been in the
same situation years ago when he was a youth, and felt for this young
man. "The only one who likes... well liked me, was a girl named Akari,
but our last meeting was our last." The young man that told him

Yoiko:  I think you mean the young man then told him

of the
girl named Akari whom loved him, but they were not fated to be. "She
wanted me to love her, but I couldn't for another held my heart. Akane
will always hold my heart and I would do anything for her."

Yoiko:  This sounds Ok except that it's redundant and repetitive.  ^_~
        You also have Ryoga saying the same thing twice.

He
described their last meeting, which was a very bitter one. He told her
of his love for Akane, and she expressed her undying love. He said
that he could never love her back, and she left heart broken.

Yoiko:  Heartbroken is one word, I think.  I'd look it up. ^_^

Mayuka: "So this is a midstream interruption of the series?  Does pig-boy
    still have that picture?  No offense Yoiko."

Yoiko:  *sniff*  Why should I care if he still has her picture?

       "You should tell this Akane of your love for her. That is the
only way you'll ever know if she loves you, or could love you back."
Ryouga looked like he was about to cry but didn't. "You are having
problems working up the nerve, no?" Ryouga nodded and Hitoshi spoke
again. "Remember what you said. You said that you would do anything
for her? Well, you have to tell her now, or never."

               *               *               *

       The rain stopped and Ryouga Hibiki bid the very generous
flower shop owner farewell. He looked at the beautiful bouquet of
roses that he held in his hands, of which Hitoshi-san had been very
generous and offered them for half of the cost.

Yoiko:  "Which Hitoshi had generously offered to him half-price."  You've
        got generous in there twice, btw.

He would win Akane's
heart tonight...
      He neared the Tendo dojo at dawn the next day and was
exhausted from lack of sleep. He day dreamed as he walked in the
doors...

Yoiko:  Daydreamed is either one word or hyphenated.  I'm not sure which.

       "Oh Ryouga!" Akane fell into his arms and embraced her.

Yoiko:  Akane embraced HER?  When did Ryoga get a girl-type curse? ^_~

His
fantasy was short lived

Yoiko:  short-lived

though, for he failed to watch where he was
going and walked right into the koi pond. **SPLASH**!

Mayuka: "Gate, not doors?"

Yoiko:  Gotta be.

       "Bwee!!" A small black piglet, wearing a familiar yellow
bandanna with black spots emerged from the pool instead of the young
man. The small pig squealed and barely stayed afloat until he felt
someone pick him up by his bandanna.

Yoiko:  If he emerged from the pool, why is he still in it?  Also, it
        seems to me that P-Chan is a right good swimmer.  He just had
        trouble getting out of the Jusenkyo pool that first time.

       "So Ryouga, you decided to show up after all." The black pig
glared at the young red head

Yoiko:  Redhead.

who held him and tried to bite her. "Hey
now! No need to be rude, sheesh." She dropped him away from her

Yoiko:  "Dropped him away from her" is kind of awkward phrasing.  I'd just
        say dropped him on his rear, if that's what I meant.

and
the pig fell to the floor squarely on his behind

Yoiko:  His behind isn't square, it's... why are you looking at me that way?

causing pain to
spread throughout his being.

Mayuka: "The Koi HAVE moved indoors?"

       The young woman collect Ryouga's gear from the koi pond and
also managed to grab the flowers before they became ruined. "Are these
for me Ryouga?" she teased. "You shouldn't have." Anger flooded the
mind of the small black pig. The flowers that he got for Akane would
now be stolen by Ranma, the bastard. 'You are so dead!' the small
black pig thought.

Yoiko:  It would be better to have the two quotes in different paragraphs,
        even though one is silent thought.

       The girl named Ranma managed to pick up Ryouga by the bandanna
and carry him into the dojo. "You stay right her now,

Yoiko:  She wants P-Chan to stay HER?  You gave him a girl-type pig
        curse?  Hey, this IS an evil fic! ^_~

I'll get us some
hot water." She left him alone in the now gigantic dojo.

Yoiko:  The dojo grew?

He thought
of all the horrible ways he wanted to kill Ranma.

Yoiko:  He needs to come up with a really good way. ^_~

       A handsome young man returned in her place, his hair soaking
wet. "So, did you get our invitation? We knew we'd have to send one
out to you earlier then everyone else's so that you'd arrive on time."

Yoiko:  I don't think Ranma would say "so that..."  Just "So."

Ryouga looked at him in confusion as he changed back into a human when
the young man poured hot water over him.

Yoiko:  That's an awkward sentence.  I'd rework it.

       Ryouga quickly dressed himself and picked up the floors.

Mayuka: "Hey Ryouga!  You leave those floors right there, OK?"

"I don't know what your talking

Yoiko:  You're

about Ranma, but I won't fall for any of
your tricks today!" He brushed passed Ranma angrily. Ryouga turned to
look at him and glared. "Invitations for what?" His face was wrought
with confusion.

Yoiko:  Might be better to say "Ryoga paused a moment, then turned to
        glare at him.

       "Well, the wedding of course! So you didn't get it?"
       "Who's getting married? Did Dr. Tofu finally ask Kasumi to
marry him?" Ranma laughed out loud. 'He will pay for mocking me.'

Yoiko:  Again, you've got thought and spoken word in the same 'graph,
        and it can be confusing.  For a second, it sounded like Ranma was
        saying "He will pay..."

Ryouga attacked him with a fierce punch to the face, which Ranma
dodged with ease.
       "Cool down man!" Ranma tripped Ryouga and sent him sprawling
onto the floor. "Akane and my wedding, you dolt!"

Mayuka: "So the author either thinks that Ranma is an illiterate or..."

       Ryouga stopped dead.

Yoiko:  Waah!  I don't want him to be dead!

He started to pull himself off of the
floor but his legs were unwilling. His whole world seemed to be
crashing down on top of him at that moment, and he hoped it would
crush him. There was nothing left. Nothing. He felt nauseous

Yoiko:  Actually, "nauseated" would be the correct word.  "Nauseous" is
        the way you describe whatever made you feel all icky in the first
        place.  So unless Ryoga makes other people want to vomit, he's not
        nauseous.

and fell
back to the floor unconscious.

Mayuka: "Now wouldn't that have been easier if you'd left the floor alone
    in the first place?"

Yoiko:  *snicker*

               *               *               *

       Ryouga opened eyes and stared into the eyes of his goddess.

Mayuka: "Hey Ryouga, just open your own eyes!  She needs to use those."

He
gazed into those brown orbs and drowned himself in them.

Yoiko:  Oh, that's how he died then.

His head
flooded with pain and he moaned softly. "Oh I think he's awake!" came

Yoiko:  Actually, sugar, it usually doesn't hurt your head if you faint,
        unless you fall face first. ^_^


Stay tuned for more evil review!