I know, the title kinda sucks (read the fic, tell me, does it fit?  Any
suggestions?) but it was the only one I could think of.  I don't think I
blinked once during the time I wrote this.  I think it was an obsession that
had to be vented.  Maybe I can sleep after I send this out.
Azusa-chan


Azusa-chan
mimzy@ix.netcom.com
http://geocities.com/Tokyo/Island/8158/
A Final Fantasy VII fanfiction =)

Final Fantasy VII is the property of its creators, whom I do not know.  But
anyway, the characters aren't mine, and neither is the situation.  All
rights reserved.

*****I Didn't Mean To Let You Down...*****
Every time I hear Aerith's theme, I relieve the guilt of her death.  No
matter how many times Cloud tells me different, I feel that it is my fault
she died, my fault I couldn't save her.  I shouldn't have been as afraid as
everyone else, paralyzed and unable to help her.  I should have been able to
do something.
   Each one of us thinks that harshly at ourselves, I know.  Especially
Cloud, dear Cloud.  But I feel that she was truly my responsibility, mine to
look after.  I saw her almost as a younger sister.
   And the guilt is made worse by the fact that, somewhere in my heart, I
grew to hate her more and more along our journey.
   At the start, when I was reunited with Cloud, it seemed like at last it
would be him and me, together forever.  Little did I know, that the silly
flower girl he met, the girl from whom he bought the flower he gave me,
would earn his love.  For years, I had yearned for him.  Then he went away
and I was left all alone, surrounded by friends.  All alone in a crowded
room.
   My first impression of Aerith was that she was the very image of
goodness.  Even though I grew jealous of her, I loved her and was genuinely
sad when she died.  I can honestly say that I would go back and trade my
life for hers if I could.
   They made a video game of our adventure.  You might have heard of it.
It's called Final Fantasy VII.  What?  It's popular, you say?  I personally
didn't care for it.  They left out a lot of personal and important dialog.
They made it just seem like your average 'lets jump in the car and visit
grandma' thing.
   They changed the scene when Aerith died.
   If you've played the game up to the end of the first disc, you see her
die, right?  It wasn't quite like that.  Here, I'll tell you how it all
really happened.  Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't introduce myself.  I'm Tifa
Lockhart.  And this is what really happened, the story that was retold in
Final Fantasy VII, however inaccurately.

It was late at night, and we had wandered through out the ruins all day
looking for Aerith.  Cloud was particularly worried, and it annoyed me.  I
wondered just how affected he would be if it were me that had disappeared.
Selfish thought, and I would have taken it back instantly if I knew that I
would never exchange another word with Aerith again, that none of us would.
   The way I word everything...I dig into myself with guilt.  It wouldn't
have bothered me so much if, in the end, her hadn't come as a relief to me.
I was almost happy for ten seconds, then I had seen how it affected Cloud...
   Gomen, I'm getting ahead of myself.  I found a place for us to rest, as
Cloud was practically dragging his feet, so tired was he.  Barret may as
well have not been there.  He was silent the whole time, just looking
cautiously from side to side.  For me, all there ever was, ever had been,
was Cloud.
   Always and forever, Cloud.  He woke us up when he got a feeling of
Aerith.  It disgusted me, how it seemed the almost had a psychic bond.  She
always noticed when he was bothered by something, and he always knew when
she was upset.  I supposed I played the part of the scorned lover well,
though Cloud never noticed how upset I was.  That�s why I liked Aerith, she
always knew.  She was good to everyone.  She didn't rub her joy in my face.
   Cloud all but dragged us all out of bed, telling us to hurry and put our
equipment on and get ready.  He stood there pacing, impatient.  I still
wonder if he had ever gone to sleep that night.
   Barret and I feel a little behind Cloud as he ran, nearly sprinted, to
where he 'felt' Aerith.  The people who made the game based off our
adventure didn't do justice to their relationship.  They were together a lot
more than anyone knew.  I think they had actually been making plans to
marry, when this was all over.  If it ever ended.
   When we got to the room where we found Aerith, she was singing.  The
words were in another language or something.  It was beautiful; you didn't
have to understand it to love it.  Aerith had a beautiful singing voice.
That was one thing that wasn't mentioned in the game.  When Cloud first met
her, she was singing.
   Aerith was on her knees, singing and praying.  We could all actually feel
the power that her praying generated.  Her eyes were closed, her face tilted
to the heavens.  If the kami ever actually stop and listen to prayers, they
would listen to this one.  I made a move to go to her, but Cloud stopped me.
He told me she was praying for the earth, that he would go to her.
   I felt a tingle go down my spine, a foreboding feeling.  I was scared,
and suddenly I didn't want Cloud to go up there.  Call it woman�s intuition,
but I was seriously terrified.  He must have seen it in my eyes, because he
gave me a comforting smile.  He mouthed 'Don't worry,' so I tried to calm
down.  For him.
   He made his way up the cylinders to Aerith.  She looked over at him,
still singing, still praying.  They made eye contact, and Cloud smiled at
her, his eyes bright with love.  He looked peaceful, totally at ease.  The
power flow wasn't disturbed at all.  If anything, it got stronger.  A soft
breeze picked up, and I could smell her on the wind.  Then I could smell
him, his scent mingling with hers.
   He made it up to the top of the makeshift stairs, and the look in his
eyes was swallowed by something foreign, something totally evil.  In the
game, he was holding and shaking his head, but that wasn't the way it was.
It was much more subtle.  And a million times more frightening.
   Aerith held eye contact with him and stood.  He walked toward her,
holding his sword.  His movements were jerky, as if he wasn't quite in
control.  There was no fear in Aerith's face.  She walked over and hugged
him tightly.  This is the first time I had ever seen her hold him, much less
him hold her.  Aerith had been very careful about that for my sake.
   The spell over Cloud was broken.  He dropped his sword and enveloped her
in a gentle, loving hug.  So much was said in that embrace, I almost
couldn't watch.  But I couldn�t look away either.
   There was a subtle shift in the air.  I think, at the time, only Aerith
registered it for what it was.  She was always perceptive like that.  She
pushed Cloud away, hard, and he fell back into the water with a splash.
Barely a second later, Sephiroth�s sword was impaling her stomach from
behind.
   I think I screamed.  I might have yelled 'no!'  All I remember for sure,
was a moment later, she was in my arms.  I realized this when I was warm
with her blood, her life, spilling onto me.  I had run all the way up there
to hold her in her dying moment.  It was me, and not Cloud, who yelled at
Sephiroth.
   Aerith's dying words were, 'Thank you, Tifa.  Please, take care of him
for me.'  I had thought at the moment that she meant to avenge her, to kill
Sephiroth, but that was my own thought.  I took care of him, in either
respect.  I take care of Cloud, now and forever, and we all had a part in
distroying Sephiroth in the end.
   What I said to Sephiroth could not be repeated in a video game.  The cry
of anguish that escaped Cloud's lips could not be translated, as he felt her
die.  I felt her die, too.  Even Barret, the one farthest from her, felt her
presence depart.
   There was no battle here.  No words were spoken.  None of us could speak
past the individual lumps in our throats.  I wept into Aerith's hair, yet
untouched by blood.  Barret had to pull me away.  I couldn't walk, so he
carried me.  Cloud kissed her gently on the forehead and backed away.  He
removed her materia, the one she always wore in her hair.  It was fitted
into a necklace later, in the next town.  He gave it to me to wear.  I still
wear it.
   He lifted her gently and slowly made his way down the columns.  He set
her afloat in the water.  She didn't sink right away.  She floated, and I
swear I heard her whisper goodbye.

In the weeks that followed, Cloud changed.  He was as antisocial as Barret.
I had to work hard to make him eat.  I think my love was all that kept him
alive, though I don't know if he realized.
   I think love was what won the final battle for us in the first place.  If
Aerith had lived, Cloud may not have had the initiative it had taken in the
end to distroy Sephiroth.  If Aerith had lived, he might not have had the
angry to channel into his goal.  It pushed him forward, helping him every
step of the way.
   Aerith's death was probably the only reason we all stayed on to fight.
We were angry and needed our revenge.  The fate of the planet didn't seem to
matter.  Aerith's memory did.  We fought to preserve her memory, so she
could live on in our hearts.

Authors notes:
You can probably guess which midi file I downloaded today.  Naw, it couldn't
be Aerith's theme, now could it?  I realized while listening to it, I felt
guilty that I couldn't save her.  I put that into Tifa's perspective, and
wondered how she felt.  This is the result.  Please don't hit me =)