David Johnston wrote:

Incidentally, you might give Nabiki the position of Indexer.

Done. Thanks.

*****

        Soun, patriarch of the Tendo clan, was a tall noble looking sprite.
Green skinned like his daughters he habitually wore a gi. He sat at his

desk

in the Principal Office.

Aloha keiki!  Say, I guess Soun's predecessor must have been Kouchou 
Kuno before he succumbed to the wiles of a certain female virus.  

Kodachi? She's the only female virus I know of.

        The vid window closed and he immediately accessed another one. It
popped into existence before her, but instead of a sprite or binome, the
words "unable to complete procedure call, please try again later"

"procedure call" is awkward.  How about "Unable to establish link" 
instead?

Right. How about "access denied, file in use"? Doesn't sound right, I'll
have to think about it.

comma after quiet.   I suggest that Kasumi's job title be "Assembler".
The interesting thing about Kasumi is that this one will have all 
technobabble functions of Dot, since she's the one who actually does 
things like maintaining the Core and keeping it stable.

After Soun leaves. Its his title, even if Kasumi's doing the work. Thanks
for the suggestion.

        "Oh, she's in a game cube in sector 100101," the girl sprite
informed him. "She shouldn't take much longer."

Considering the risks involved in games, I'd expect Soun to be rather 
agitated by this news.  

Probably, but I decided to that was a good cue to change scenes. No wait a
sec, I will add his response.

*****

        The arena was well lit, the audience little more than a filled in
blur. In the centre a pair of one binomes, dressed as referees, pushed a
massive set of weights into position.
        In the announcer's box a zero and a one binome sat staring at

the down

at the stage.
        "Well Jim, the user really stuffed up that one, didn't he?" the one
asked in an excited whisper.
        "Yes Al, he did. That leaves the game open to the Mainframer team,"
the zero replied.
        A sprite stepped out onto the stage. She was greened skinned,

like her

sisters and father. The game had outfitted her in a gi, which was fine by
her, she'd been wearing one anyway. Her Icon hung on a chain around her

neck.

Her black hair was cut into a boyish trim.
        "Folks, it looks like Akane, Mainframe's best gamer, is stepping

up to

do the snatch and jerk," Jim whispered excitedly.

Oh come on.  Who would play a weight-lifting videogame?  Incidentally, I 
suggest Akane's job title be "Compiler".

Sad as it may be, I have seen them. Old ones admittedly, but they do exist.
I don't now about using Compiler, after all Compile Up means to grow up so
compile could mean "to have children."

        "Hi, ah, I'm Ranma Saotome, sorry about this," the strange girl
sprite commented.

Or would that be RAMma?

Hehe. Good joke, but no, I'm not changing the names.

        'Well, I suppose I'd better go and face the MIDI,' he thought,

Oh...good pun.  

Thank you.

        "Ah, Akane, what's that for?" Nabiki asked, eying the bomb warily.

"eyeing"

My spell checker says eying and the dictionary doesn't have a special note
on adding -ing. 

        "I'll go over this one more time," Soun told them. "This is my old
friend Genma Saotome," he indicates the large man, "and his son..."

<Sigh>  Do you really need Genma?  You could just have Ranma arrive on 
his own.  

Yeah, maybe. Seeing as he has approximately two lines and two actions in
the entire story. However he may reappear in the long term so he stays.

        "And now he's a girl," Kasumi stated, for it was so.
        "Whenever we're hit by any form of uncontrolled energy, we shift, a
controlled source changes us back."

So this Ranma shifts any time he gets hit by energy weapons and attacks? 

Explosions, tears, protals, rebooting. Lots of things.

I think it would sound better if you deleted "up".  Also, Akane would 
probably mention his little...defect as well if only to call him 
"defective" or say he obviously needs debugging.  

Genma:  It's not a bug, it's a feature!  

That would gloss better, I'm thinking of changing Akane's objections to him
being corrupted rather than a pervert.

I've been hoping someone would do this.  One thing I hope you will do is 
concentrate more on Reboot storylines than the manga.  

That's my plan, but the first couple of parts are going to character set up
for Ranma, Akane, Nabiki, Kasumi, Shampoo, Mousse, Kuno and Kodachi.


-----------
Rarstarr,
David Farr
http://homepages.ihug.co.nz/~djfarr/
djfarr@ihug.co.nz