"Anand Rao" <anandr@earthlink.net> wrote:

Okay, well...  Thanks to the advice  from Chris Angel and Gary Kleepe, I've

                                                                ^^^^^^
Been hanging around Keener? :-P

"I want him to be strong in the Art too!  Loving him, nurturing him, and
talking to him is not mutually exclusive to that goal!  You must realize
that.  If you had, Ranma wouldn't have any where near the number of problems

Anywhere is one word.

"What's with you today anyway Akane?  Jeez, I don't need you motherin' me

anyway, Akane?

"She's just too good for you Ranma," an amused voice said from behind.

you, Ranma,"

"Ranma, I- I don't really have too many friends," Ryoga said, turning
slightly away from Ranma.  "Who am kidding?  I don't have -any- friends.  I
just don't stay in one place long enough, you know?"  Ranma just nodded, he
understood Ryoga's feelings completely.   "I haven't even scene any of my

seen

family in years, they're all lost too," Ryoga continued.

years. They're

"Ranma, the thing with the bread feud, and even the Jusenkyo curse became
meaningless when I fell in love with Akane.  I fought you because you were
my rival.  I hated you because you took for granted what I so desperately
wanted.  Now, well, I don't love Akane anymore, and I can't find a reason to
hate you.  Believe me, I've tried!  You are and idiot and a jerk!  And

are an idiot

"I never really hated ya Ryoga.  I just got mad 'cause you were always

ya, Ryoga.

"So we both have our faults," Ryoga agreed. "But at least I've learned from
mine!  I've moved on in my life Ranma, what about you?" He asked.

life, Ranma,

"You just don't get it, do you?  You have no idea what its like to love
someone and know that they love you.  It's wonderful.  Heh, I haven't been
able to perform the Shi Shi Hokudan in months, ever since Akari agreed to
marry me.  I just can't get depressed.  Looks like I'm going to have to
learn your way of do it," Ryoga said, smiling a bit ruefully.  He wasn't

of doing it,"

"I think we may want to hold of the that idea for awhile, wouldn't you
agree, Tendo-san?"

"First I need to decide whether to make Ranma kill himself or not!"

"You're lucky that Akane was there to help you boy," Genma observed.  Ranma

you, boy,"

"It will only be for a few days Akane-chan," Nodoka assured her.

days,

"Quietly boy!  I don't want your mother to here me," Genma warned.

hear

"What are ya planning Pop?" Ranma asked wearily.

planning,

"I'm not planning anything.  I just wanted to talk to you about this trip

trip,

"Sure Akane," Ranma replied.

Sure,

"Remember what I've told you Ranma," Genma said, as the door opened and

you,

"Your mother is really looking forward to this trip Ranma," she replied.

trip,

Ranma's response was immediate.  He jumped out of the futon and landed hard,
face first onto the floor.  "I'm sorry Akane! There's no need to-" he

sorry,

"It's time for breakfast Ranma," Nodoka replied, grinning broadly.

breakfast,

 Ranma nodded his head absently and glanced at the large bag pack sitting
in one corner of his room.  "So, are we leavin' after breakfast?" He asked.

he (no caps)

The rest of the household was already present at the dining table as Ranma
sat down next to Akane.  "Are you all packed Ranma?" Akane asked as Kasumi

packed,

"It's not a big deal Akane.  I can pack for a trip really quickly when I

deal,

"Chiba?  Are you going to your parent's cottage?" Genma asked, somewhat

parents' (unless he only means one of them)

There was a single door on the left wall of the hallway and two doors on the
right.  Ranma entered the first door on the right and entered a bedroom.
Finding the light switch, he turned it on and looked around the room.
"Woah, the bedroom's got furniture in it too!" Ranma exclaimed.  He was
having trouble adjusting to the fact that he was going to relatively
comfortable during this trip.  Every time he had gone training with his
father, they had stayed out doors, sometimes without the benefit of even a

outdoors

tent.  Although not as large as the Tendo home, the cottage was luxurious in
comparison to his usual fare.

The previous occupant of the room was obviously a girl.  The bed was

room had obviously been a girl.

covered with a pink cotton blanket with floral designs.  A dresser in corner

in a corner, or in the corner

"I'm glad you liked it, Ranma-chan.  You're like your father in that regard.
He used to inhale everything in site.  I amazed he survived all those years
on the road with my cooking!" Nodoka exclaimed, laughing softly.

I think you mean "without" instead of "with"

"Why do you think she helped you study for your tests?  Why do you think she
tries so hard cook, and insist that you eat what she prepares?" Nodoka

hard to cook, and insists

"Please Ranma, if there's something bothering you, I want to know about it,"

Please,

(Tired?  Him?) Nodoka thought unbelievingly.  "Ranma, I'm not going to judge
you.  I'm not going to get angry with you.

... she said, sword in hand...

"How could you even -think- that I would kill you?" Nodoka asked.

Shall we list the reasons alphabetically? *Sigh* Noddie may well have
blocked it from her memory, but she DID act as if she were prepared to
let Ranma fulfill his promise. The reason he believed it was because she
convinced him.

Anyway, overall I liked it. It seems like you included more of Ranma's
fears and negative feelings toward his mother, which I think helps the
story.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics