Why me? Why always me?

Disclaimers: Urusei Yatsura and the spoofed commercial are copyrights of
their respective creators and all distributors of their work.

Camera directions are in [], *tcha*!

*****

[Open on a shot of a normal street in Tomobiki. Ataru sprints around the
intersection and flattens himself against a nearby building, gasping for
air.]

Lum (o.s., menacingly): Darling...

Benten (o.s.): Get back here, you little...

[Ataru peeks around the corner, yelps, and dashes down the street. Lum and
Benten swing around the corner (Lum flying, Benten on her air-bike) and
begin alternately launching lightning blasts and energy shells at Ataru.
Both are wearing bathrobes instead of their customary bikinis... and, of
course, the robes are cinched tight. They chase Ataru toward the camera and
off-screen, and a few people peer curiously out of their windows at the
passing trio, shrug, and lean back inside.]

[Cut to a shot of the Mendo mansion. Lum and Benten chase Ataru across the
front lawn, putting holes in the landscape all the way.]

[Cut to a shot of Tomobiki Park. Ataru races into the scene and actually
manages to run across the surface of the pond. Lum and Benten follow,
blasting away with a vengeance and turning the stone path through the park
into a cratered mess.]

[Cut to a wide-angle shot of Tomobiki High. Ataru... well, he's not racing
anymore. He staggers into the scene, and gets blown into the sky by one of
Benten's shells and summarily electrocuted by Lum. He collapses to the
ground a smoking mess, in front of the last blast crater. Suddenly, the
craters all flare with light.]

[Cut to a shot of the interior of Ran's spaceship, with alarms flashing
wildly. Ran dashes over to her main viewscreen and activates it... we can
see that the blast craters have formed a rough "S" shape on the landscape of
Tomobiki. Ran cackles, and presses a large red button with a similar "S" on
it.]

[Cut to the outside of Ran's spaceship. The ship produces a really huge
prism shaped like a pyramid and holds it out, as the "S" below erupts with
energy. A huge column of energy shoots into the base of the prism, which
glows for a few seconds before emitting a giant fan-shaped rainbow from its
apex.]

[Cut to a shot of Tomobiki High. Lum and Benten are unusually relaxed,
considering the source of their indignation is currently staggering to his
feet... and then we hear a faint pitter-patter... sort of like raindrops. Of
course, as the strange rain moves into camera range, we actually see that it
is composed of some very familiar rainbow-colored candies. Lum and Benten
exchange high-fives. In the background, Cherry races by, holding about four
of the hats he usually wears, all turned brim-up.]

[Cut to an aerial shot of Tomobiki. The S-shaped line of blast craters is
visible, and still glowing. A caption appears at the bottom of the screen.]

Benten (v.o.): Skittles.

Lum (v.o.): Taste the rainbow, *tcha*!

Ataru (v.o., weakly): Ben...ten...sa...ma...

[*Zak zak zak*. Fade to black.]

*****

Heaven help me...

--G. Falconar