I can't take it anymore. The ideas are stuck in my head and they won't come
out until I write them down... Why? WHYYYYYYYYY? *sob* I'll get you for
this, Lurker... *sob* I'll get you...

Disclaimers: Ranma 1/2 and the spoofed commercial are copyrights of their
respective creators and all distributors of their work, and are used without
permission.

Camera directions... if you don't know what they're in by now, I pity you.
And you'll find them in [].

*****

[Open on a shot of Jackie Chan (yes, the *real* Jackie Chan. My mind knows
no budget) on a clifftop, overlooking a labyrinth. Some vaguely operatic and
very percussive music is playing in the background.]

[Cut to a shot of Jackie entering the labyrinth and almost immediately
having to dodge out of the way of a spear protruding from the wall. He races
through the halls, flattening himself to avoid a swinging blade, leaping
over a low volley of darts, and pulling himself up from a trapdoor. He steps
on a stone in the labyrinth floor, and it sinks under his weight.]

Announcer (v.o.): To survive...

[Jackie looks up to see a stone slab descending. His feet are caught in some
kind of muck and he can't move. He steels himself.]

Announcer (v.o.): ...you've got to be strong.

[Cut to a shot of the stone slab smashing down and crumbling away... to
reveal Jackie standing amidst the rubble, one fist extended into the air. He
pulls himself free and rushes on.]

[Cut to a shot of the room at the center of the labyrinth. There's a glowing
purple energy sphere at the center of it, with a sword hilt sticking out.
Jackie leaps through a curtain of flame on one side of the room, flings his
now-charred shirt to the floor, and grabs the sword. A suit of samurai armor
in one corner of the room comes to life and starts edging toward Jackie.]

Announcer (v.o.): To win...

[Jackie pulls out the sword and cringes when he sees it's wooden. He whirls
around to see the armor advancing on him, swords drawn. He blocks one sword
with the hilt of the bokken and kicks the other out of the samurai's hand as
it descends for a blow. The samurai grips its remaining sword with two hands
and begins bearing down on Jackie.]

Announcer (v.o.): ...you've got to be smart.

[Just as the bokken begins to strain and splinter from the force, Jackie
falls to his back, catching the samurai off-guard and launching it across
the room with a two-footed kick that puts him on his feet again. The samurai
slams into the wall, and its armor begins to crack.]

Announcer (v.o.): And once you've joined us...

[Jackie lifts the bokken to the clouds in triumph, and a bolt of lightning
strikes it. Lightning streaks down the bokken, transforming it into an
expertly forged katana.]

Announcer (v.o.): ...your life will never be the same.

[The lightning streaks over Jackie's body as well, and he looks down in
shock as he is slowly converted... to anime. (The animation up until now has
been CG.)]

Announcer (v.o.): Call us today to see if you have what it takes...

[A figure rises from the now-shattered samurai armor. An hourglass figure,
to be precise, belonging to an anime girl with a yellow silk Chinese dress,
green eyes, and a mane of flowing green hair, expertly styled. She shakes
her head a few times, looks at Jackie, and glomps him. Eagerly. Jackie
looks... pleasantly surprised.]

Announcer (v.o.): ...to be one of the few...

[The girl mouths "Wo da airen" and pulls Jackie down into a passionate kiss.
He doesn't even put up a token resistance.]

Announcer (v.o.): ...the proud...

[The labyrinth sort of dissolves away, leaving a glowing purple sphere in
the main square of the Joketsuzoku village.]

Announcer (v.o.): ...the Amazons.

[Cologne pogoes over to the couple and looks the new arrival over.]

[Fade to black.]

Cologne: He's not Son-in-Law... but he'll do.

*****

I know it's been done. But it hasn't been done well enough to suit me.

And now to sleep. I hope.

--G. Falconar