So I lied about waiting for tomorrow.

Disclaimers: Ranma 1/2, the spoofed commercial, and the products referred to
are copyrights of their respective creators and all distributors of their
work.

Camera directions... ah, you know.

*****

[Open on a shot of a familiar orange-diffusing-to-brown placard, with bright
yellow letters which should also be familiar.]

CAPTION (and announcer v.o., whispered): How champion kendoist Kuno Tatewaki
eats a Reese's peanut butter cup.

[Cut to a shot of Kuno, with a spotlight illuminating his figure. The rest
is blackness, and all we can see in the shot is his torso. His head shifts
right, as if he is talking to someone.]

Kuno: Oh, my ruffled-edged goddess. Thy creamy and delectable exterior hides
within a core of equal sweetness, and the two call unto me as the Sirens
beckoned Odysseus... I cannot resist thy allure...

[Kuno's head then swivels to the left, and he again appears to talking to
someone.]

Kuno: But thou, my temptress. Thou art that and more, for within thy sweet
exterior hides a brittle but rewarding mystery which my lips cannot wait to
plumb...

[Kuno's head moves back and forth rapidly as he says the next few lines.]

Kuno: But shall I relish thy mysteries... {head shift} ... or shall I stick
with thy sweet simplicity? Thy comfortable familiarity... {head shift}... or
thy welcome novelty?

[Kuno looks pained for a moment, head shifting back and forth ever more
rapidly... until it stops, staring straight ahead.]

Kuno: I cannot decide! I SHALL EAT THEE BOTH!

[The camera pans back to reveal that Kuno has been holding two peanut butter
cups in his hands, a la Hamlet holding Yorick's skull. He tries to shove
both in his mouth at the same time, and, with a few gagging and choking
noises, manages to do so. The spotlight clicks off to reveal the Furinkan
High cafeteria, with everyone in the background, just... staring.]

[Cut to the orange-diffusing-to-brown background, with packages for both
Reese's Peanut Butter and Reese's Crunchy Cookie Cups posed on it.]

Announcer (v.o.): There's no wrong way...

Kuno (o.s.): da-da-da-da-da-Da-Da-Da-Da-Da-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA!

[In a blur of motion, the packages are reduced to confetti. The cups within
drop to the placard unscathed.]

Announcer (v.o.): ...to eat a Reese's.

*****

But that sure comes close, doesn't it, folks?

--G. Falconar