Ronny Hedin <thark@swipnet.se> wrote:

Wonderful, Gary. I especially liked the way every scene ended with
"no-one else could keep a secret like this"...

Well, not all of them. I kept it down to about half lest it become *too*
predictable...

	"Right," Daisuke replied. "That's the thing about the people in
this neighborhood. They're predictable. You always know where they
stand."

Famous last words, eh?

Indeed.

	He had just completed an hour's kendo practice session, in which
he had demonstrated to a particularly brash young freshman the error of
underestimating one's elders. Though the Blue Thunder had yet to defeat
Ranma Saotome, he was still a force to be reckoned with.

The yet-still combination sounds slightly awkward to me.

I'll see if I can come up with something better.

	"Greetings, Upperclassman." He bowed properly, then held out the
bouquet. "I bear an offering for the Pig-Tailed Girl."

Doesn't "upperclassman" sound a bit wierd considering she doesn't
go to school?

But she did at some point, and when she did she was senior to him.

Sexist, too! Should be Upperclassperson! :)

What, you didn't know that Kasumi's really a guy? :)

	Akane closed her bedroom door. She smiled at the piglet resting
atop her bed, playfully scratching him under the chin. "Ready for
beddy-bye, P-chan?"

Tsktsktsk. Really, considering the rest of the fic, I'm disappointed
to see *this*; which is all but unusual. Heck, there's all to many
people convinced this *is* the way it is.

Sure, I'll admit to not liking pigboy (I'd jump onto the challenge
reposted the other day, were I not a slow writer with too many
projects already), but there's just no way this is original and/or
far-concieved.

You got me there, but the problem is that nothing else really works
logistically for these characters. If Akane doesn't know P-chan's
secret, then she's unlikely to be careful around him, and Ryoga would've
found out about her secret relationship by now. Furthermore, if Ryoga
were porking someone else, then why in the world would he be doing the
P-chan routine in the first place? So I was pretty much stuck with this
one. And besides, I had the scene pretty much already written.

Thanks for the comments!


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics