(Now back to Rob Bob's Last Call, and "Her"...)
Is anybody else getting annoyed with the horrible paragraph
formatting in this thing yet? We'd have fixed it for the purpose of
this viewing, but then we figured, this is the way everyone who's
ever read it has seen it, why bother changing it?
And now, we're dealing with an Akane who really wants to hit
somebody, a Ryouga who actually thinks, and Lord-knows what else is
wrong with these people. And Ranma's about to have another one of
those crazy psycho wet dreams as we return to "Her".
This part in particular is my favorite, because it contains what
some people still consider to be one of the most oddball Akane rant
lines ever written. You'll see it for yourself as we get back to the
story...
********
Ranma saw fog everywhere. He also saw Kunou.
"Oh my beautiful pigtailed goddess! Come to me and express your
love!"
Ranma looked down at himself. Yep. Female. She sighed. "Come on
Kunou,
give it a rest already willya?"
"Never, my love! We shall be joined by the bonds of devotion to one
another!"
"You're sick, jerk. How many times do I gotta tell you I'm a guy you
moron?"
Suddenly Kunou's face became serious for a minute. "Perhaps thou may
have at one time indeed been male. Perhaps indeed thee are still
clinging
to the last vestiges of that masculinity. But know this, Saotome
Ranma,
you are no man. You are not a man! You are the pigtailed goddess!
Come to
me now, my love! We are fated to be together!" Ranma stood frozen in
shock.
From somewhere off to the side, somebody Ranma could not see
attacked
Kunou. The blow was fatal. As Kunou died he whispered,
"Pigtailed...Venus.
.we're fated....to be....together..."
*fated to be together....*
*fated to be together....*
*fated to be together....*
*fated...fated...fated...fated...fated...*
"BWEEEEE!!"
Ranma snapped awake at the sound of something squealing in his ear.
"Ow!
Hey! Cut it out already! I'm up!"
Ryouga stopped squealing, beamed up at Ranma, and kweed softly.
Ranma
chuckled. "The kinder, gentler alarm clock, eh?" Standing and
stretching,
he picked the little pig up and carried him into the bathroom with
him.
Ryouga had decided that in order to be less trouble on the Tendous,
he'd
sleep in Genma and Ranma's room as a pig and turn back to normal in
the
morning after waking Ranma up early enough to avoid the rude
awakenings
Akane loved to dish out. Nobody had a problem with it, but Akane
warned
him if she ever caught him in her room she'd be having bacon. He
promised
her that he wouldn't even think of sleeping in her room anymore.
They'd
been getting along better over the last week, and Akane had stopped
glaring at him after only four days. Of course, Kasumi had
chi-blasted
her at least twice a day over those four days, but it did the trick.
Everyone was treading a lot more softly around Kasumi these days.
Genma
and Soun had even stopped sneaking snacks from the kitchen and
cheating
at shogi.
Ranma and Ryouga washed up and brushed their teeth, took care of
their
other bathroom business, got dressed, and went down for breakfast. So
far
only Genma and Nabiki were seated at the table. Soun always slept a
little later than everyone else. Akane, on the other hand... Ranma
grinned evilly as Kasumi greeted him and Ryouga. She glanced curiosly
at
him. "What's on your mind this morning Ranma-kun?"
"Akane's not awake yet." Ranma was almost laughing.
Kasumi frowned for a second, then as understanding hit, she giggled.
"Thinking about a little revenge?" Ranma nodded. Kasumi smiled.
"Allow me.
"She closed her eyes for a second, her hair rising slightly as though
from a breeze. Very softly, she said, "Flash."
Suddenly a startled shout came from upstairs. Kasumi grinned. "I
think I
put a little more into that than I needed to." She winked at Ranma
and
Ryouga, then turned back to the kitchen. "Breakfast will be ready in
a
few minutes, boys. Have a seat."
Ranma and Ryouga sat down just as a very angry and still pajama-clad
Akane stormed downstairs. "KASUMI!" Akane yelled, headed for the
kitchen.
Suddenly there was a bright flash and a scream. Ranma and Ryouga
stood up,
ready to charge in there. Then Akane burst out through the kitchen
doors,
screaming, and being chased by a ghostly, glowing image of Kasumi's
face
smiling. The image disappeared. Kasumi leaned out of the kitchen. "Go
get
ready for breakfast, Akane. It'll be ready in a few minutes." Akane
scowled and stomped sullenly upstairs, muttering. Ranma and Ryouga
snickered.
A few minutes later, Kasumi came out with serving plates, and
everyone
helped themselves to the delicious breakfast. Kasumi served herself
last,
even though Soun and Akane still had not come down. Soun emerged
first,
followed by a grumpy Akane, dressed in a sweater and jeans since this
wasn't a school day.
A few minutes into the meal, Ranma asked, "Kasumi, how did you learn
all
those techniques anyway? I've never seen you practicing any form of
martial arts."
Kasumi finished chewing and swallowing the bite of food in her
mouth,
then spoke. "They're not martial arts techniques, Ranma. They're
healing
techniques."
"Oh yeah, some healing," Akane grumbled.
"Well, some of those do have their uses in the clinic. Like the
Silent
Stun technique. If you need a patient to be unconscious to administer
a
treatment, you can Silent Stun them painlessly, and without putting
any
sedatives in their body."
"Okay then how about when you blasted me into the pond?"
"I used a technique that's normally used to do tricky broken bone
resetting. You use chi to charge the bone you intend to move, and
then
guide it into place."
"Okay but what about the thing you did this morning? I was asleep
and
then something bright and flashing woke me up."
"That's called Flash. It locks onto another person's chi and causes
it
to flicker in and out of sight in front of the eyes like a strobe.
It's
used to wake patients up."
"Well, then, explain that...that...THING from the kitchen."
"Oh, that. That's just a fun little trick I figured out. It doesn't
actually do anything at all." Akane facefaulted.
Soun said, "So Kasumi, is that what's in all those books you borrow
from
Tofu-sensei?"
Kasumi shook her head. "No, those are usually books on herbs,
medicines,
first aid, meditation techniques, and such."
"So where did you learn the chi techniques?"
Kasumi smiled. "Tofu-sensei hasn't ALWAYS been helpless around me
you
know. I saw him use some chi one time when he was working on an old
man's
back, and I asked him if he could show me how he did that. It took me
about a month to learn all those techniques, and I've been practicing
them whenever I could get the chance."
Nabiki said, "That's odd...I've never seen you use that stun thing
on
anyone until last week."
"Oh, I get a lot of practice with that one. In fact, almost every
time
Akane cooks I have to use it."
"HEY!"
"I'm afraid to even ask," Ryouga said. Ranma nodded.
Akane was scowling and turning red. "It's not like it's my fault
that
sometimes what I cook is a little too spicy..."
Kasumi sighed. "Akane-chan, chicken curry is spicy. One time you
made a
beefbowl that tried to molest me." Everyone facefaulted. Akane's chi
had
begun to flare around her in a blue aura. "IT WAS NOT TRYING TO
MOLEST
YOU! IT WAS JUST BEING FRIENDLY OKAY!?" Then realizing what she'd
said,
she blushed, her chi flicking out, and giggled embarrassedly.
"Uh...heh
heh..." Everyone fell over. Kasumi just smiled and resumed eating her
breakfast.
Ryouga and Ranma spent half the morning playing mah-jongg with Genma
and
Soun. The men had agreed to play with them readily enough, sure that
this
would be an easy cleaning. It was definitely that; around an hour
before
lunchtime, the boys walked away from the table having taken the old
men
for over 2000 yen between them. "Kasumi! Me and Ryouga are goin' to
the
movies! We'll be back this afternoon!"
"Have a good time you two!"
Soun sat crying at the table. Genma was just looking at what was
left of
his money. "Who knew?" he said. Soun bawled. Kasumi called out,
"Father!
Saotome-san! Lunch is ready!" The prospect of food caused them to
forget
about their woes, and they sat at the table. Akane was breaking
bricks in
the dojo, and Nabiki was out collecting some debts. It promised to be
a
rather peaceful day.
"Hey Ryouga, ever think about fate?"
Ryouga looked at Ranma. "You didn't have another dream did you?"
"Well, yeah, kinda. I dreamed that Kunou was chasing after me again
when
I was Ranma-chan, and he started his usual nonsense. But then
somebody I
couldn't see struck him down. His last words were "We're fated to be
together" and then he died. But I kept hearing that word "fate" over
and
over again until I woke up.
Ryouga frowned. "Sounds like you had a nightmare and a pleasant
dream
all in one." Ranma chuckled. He had forgotten the part of the dream
where
Kunou knew who he really was and had said that he wasn't a man
anymore.
All he remembered was the last part of the dream. "Wonder what it
means?"
he said.
Ryouga shrugged. "Probably just means that it was fate for you to
fall
in Nyanniichuan and release Ranko's soul from the spring. Same with
me
and Ryokuroi."
"You're probably right. Hey, let's go grab some okonomiyaki."
Ryouga smiled. "Great idea! I'm starving!" They headed off to
Ucchan's.
Akane just had to face facts. She was going to have to start
controlling
her violent nature a lot better. She'd never had any idea Kasumi even
knew what chi was. She certainly never expected her to be that
powerful.
And Mallet-sama wouldn't do her any good against Kasumi. Nobody had
ever
withstood a whack from her mallet before, but Kasumi didn't even feel
it.
And even if she tried to whack Kasumi, it wouldn't do any good. It'd
just
get her blasted again. She sighed. She sat down and started to
meditate,
focusing on...ugh, how disgusting....being calm.
Nabiki was very angry. She'd been cheated out of a cool 10000 yen,
and
she had absolutely no dirt on the person who did it.
She'd been waiting for Kunou about three blocks from Ucchan's, with
a
set of ten great shots of Akane and Ranma-chan, some of her best work
yet
if she did say so herself. Kunou had arrived, and Nabiki was about to
show him the photos, when suddenly something whizzed through the air
between them. The photos were sliced to ribbons. Nabiki stared at
them in
disbelief. Kunou said he'd return when she obtained some more
pictures,
and departed.
Nabiki walked over to a nearby trash bin to dispose of the ruined
pictures. As she dropped them in, she noticed something dropping to
the
ground about a half a block away. She ran over, and just as she got
there
a yellow and black spotted bandana touched down on the sidewalk and
skidded to a halt. She picked it up, thought about it for a minute,
then
realized what had just happened. She angrily crushed the bandana in
her
fist and growled, "Ryouga...." Hibiki would roast for this. You don't
interfere in Tendou Nabiki's business dealings and get away with it.
One
way or another, Nabiki would be avenged.
Ranma and Ryouga were laughing like hyenas when they walked into
Ucchan's, which wasn't too crowded now, the lunch rush being over.
They
had decided to hang out in a bookstore for a little while and look at
some new manga before they went to eat, so they'd get a chance to
talk to
Ukyou. Now, the okonomiyaki cook extraordinaire noticed them, and
waved.
"Hey guys!"
"Hi Ukyou!"
"Heya Ucchan!"
Ukyou skipped around the counter and led them to one of the vacant
tables in the back of the restaurant. "Two specials comin' up!" she
said
cheerily as she made her way back over to the grill. After about a
minute,
she came back and placed a plate of okonomiyaki and a glass of soda
in
front of each of them, then set down a third plate and glass and
seated
herself with them. "Thanks Ucchan!" Ranma said. He dug in. Ryouga
smiled
and took a few bites of his. "It's great Ukyou!"
"Why thank you! You seem a lot happier these days Ryouga, someone
new in
your life?" She nudged him on the shoulder playfully. He laughed.
"Nah, I just started seeing life a lot differently. There's just no
need
to walk around depressed and angry all the time. It's like asking for
the
h-bomb to drop on your head." Then he smiled and said, "By the way,
are
you doing something different with your hair Ukyou?"
She absently touched her white hair ribbon. "No, why?"
"Hmm. I dunno, I just wondered if maybe you were trying a new look
or
something, cause you look prettier than usual today."
Ukyou blushed fiercely. "Th...thank you, Ryouga!" Ranma blinked, and
stared at Ryouga. Ryouga caught it, and flashed a grin and a wink at
Ranma, who couldn't help but smile now.
They ate and talked for a while, Ryouga occassionally flirting a
little
with Ukyou (much to her delight and embarrassment.) They finished
eating,
wrapped up their conversation (with Ryouga even kissing Ukyou's hand
as
they stood to leave), and left the restaurant. Once outside, Ranma
clapped one hand on Ryouga's shoulder. "You sly little pig you! I
never
knew you had it in you!" Ryouga grinned. Then he snapped his fingers.
"Oh! Hang on a sec okay?" He turned and quickly dashed back inside
the
restaurant. A little bit later, he came back out, grinning even
wider.
Ranma gave him a curious look. "What was that about?"
Ryouga grinned and started twirling his umbrella. "Oh, nothing. Come
on,
let's go see what's playing at the movies."
"Yeah, let's get going!"
With a mischevious little smile, Ryouga added, "Then you can help me
get
ready for my date."
Ranma fell over. Ryouga grinned.
A few hours after lunch, Akane was whistling a merry tune as she
made
her way to Ucchan's. She'd come to enjoy having gossip sessions with
Ukyou, and despite being competitors for Ranma, the girls had become
best
friends, and almost always had a good time together. "Hmm...wonder if
they ate there today?" Akane said quietly to herself. She got to the
door
and was surprised to see a sign in the window that said "Closed For
Business For The Afternoon." She tried the door and was relieved it
wasn't locked. Entering and closing the door behind her, she called
out,
"Ukyou-chan? You home?"
"Come on up, I'm in my apartment," Ukyou called. Akane went
upstairs,
slipped off her shoes on the landing, and walked into Ukyou's modest
little studio apartment. Ukyou rushed over and hugged her friend.
"Hey
sugar how's it going?"
Akane returned the hug and smiled. "Pretty good. You seem awful
excited
about something."
Ukyou giggled, and grabbed Akane's hand, pulling her over to the
closet.
Akane giggled. "What's with you today Ukyou? The last time you were
this
hyper was that time you were playing around with some new sauce
recipes
and..."
Ukyou clamped a hand over her mouth. "Don't remind me. I'm never
going
near corn syrup again." Akane cracked up. Ukyou tapped her playfully
on
the back of the head. "Come on girl, help me pick out something to
wear."
Akane looked in the closet as she said, "Where you going?" She snuck
a
glance back at Ukyou and grinned mischeviously at her. "Hot date
tonight?"
Ukyou giggled. "Hai!"
Akane's eyes widened, and she giggled too. "Wow, go Ukyou! So who's
the
guy?" Mischevious grin again. "Maybe Tsubasa? Hmm?"
Ukyou whapped her one upside the head. "No, ya jackass!" Akane
giggled.
"Seriously, who're you going out with?"
Ukyou smiled and blushed a little. "Ryouga."
Akane's eyes widened. "Nani?"
Ukyou giggled. "Yep! Ranchan and Ryouga came by for lunch today, and
Ryouga..." She blushed hard. Akane prodded. "What?"
Ukyou got an almost dreamy look on her face, and smiled.
"Akane-chan, I
swear, he could probably even make Shampoo smile." Akane blinked.
"Wow,
someone's in love!" Ukyou blushed. "I am NOT! But he is cute. Anyway,
we're going out tonight to see a movie and to eat someplace that
isn't
all okonomiyaki all the time...hey, even I get a little hungry for
something else once in a while," she said at Akane's curious glance.
"Come on, help me decide what to wear already!" The girls dove into
the
closet, gossiping and giggling as they worked.
Ranma was certain that Ryouga's date was going to be perfect. They'd
worked hard on dressing him up, the end result of their efforts was
an
outfit that impressed everyone. He wore a yellow turtleneck with a
black
blazer Ranma had found in Soun's closet, and a pair of black slacks
Ranma
owned. Even Shampoo, who had stopped in to deliver some ramen Kasumi
ordered for dinner for the group that was staying at home, had done a
double-take when Ryouga came downstairs.
"Aiyah! Ryouga?"
"Oh hi there Shampoo!"
"Ryouga dressed very nice tonight. You taking someone to date?"
"Yep. I'm going out with Ukyou tonight."
"Aiyah! Shampoo hope spatula girl no dress like boy tonight then!"
Akane giggled. "Trust me, Shampoo, Ukyou's gonna look good tonight
too."
After Shampoo left, Ryouga checked himself one more time, working on
his
hair just a little more (of course the bandana stayed put), then
checking
his wallet again just to make sure he hadn't blown too much money
today
to pay for this date. Ranma nudged him, and handed him a wad of
money.
"Here, just in case."
Ryouga smiled. "Thanks Ranma. I'll pay ya back." He stuffed the
bills
into his wallet and pocketed it. Akane looked at her watch. "Ooh, you
better hurry up and get going. It's just twenty minutes till seven."
Ryouga nodded. "Okay, see you all later!"
Ranma waved as Ryouga walked out the door. "Have a good time!"
"You bet!"
Akane frowned. "Shouldn't...someone go with him? He's only got
twenty
minutes to get there."
Ranma grinned. "Don't worry. That's something else that's changed
about
him. He doesn't get lost anymore."
Akane blinked. "Ryouga with a good sense of direction?" Ranma
nodded.
Akane just shook her head in disbelief.
Three hours later, Ryouga walked in the door. Ranma was watching TV
while Genma and Soun played shogi and Nabiki balanced her books. "Hey
Ryouga!" he waved. "How'd the date go?"
Nabiki looked up. "Yes, however did it go?" An evil smile was
plastered
on her face.
"Why hello Nabiki!" Ryouga said, gritting his teeth. Ranma turned
his
full attention to Ryouga now. He looked a bit pissed.
"Aww, what's a matter piggy boy? Things didn't go too well with
Ukyou?"
Ryouga smiled. "Actually, Nabiki..." he said her name through
clenched
teeth "...everything went great. We saw a great movie, ate at a great
little Italian restaurant, and oh, by the way..." He now reached out
and
grabbed Nabiki by the throat. "Your little traps didn't work. Next
time
you might want to set something up that has a little thought behind
it.
Even an idiot could have figured out the ice cream vendor that kept
following us, and the watermelon that rolled out of the alleyway when
we
left the restaurant was a dead giveaway. Oh, and next time...DON'T
use
Kunou and Tsubasa. At least make it more interesting for me, like
maybe
Mousse or maybe even Kodachi. Really, you disappoint me, I thought
the
great Tendou Nabiki could do a better job of wrecking a date than
that."
He released her throat, and walked away, then suddenly he stopped and
turned. "Oh, by the way..." He reached into his pocket and pulled out
an
envelope. "Kunou and Tsubasa are probably going to be a little mad at
you
seeing as how neither one of them got paid off." He headed upstairs,
pausing to toss the envelope to Ranma, who opened it, saw what was
inside,
and tore it to shreds.
Nabiki was having a new experience. For the first time in her life,
she
was actually generating a battle aura. Ranma fell over laughing at
her
expression. Nabiki was smoldering with rage. She glowed bright blue,
almost as bright as Akane usually glowed. "I'll GET you for this you
swine."
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"Try to control yourself..."
"Hey, I'm 20. I'm male. I'm single. I'm not
getting any. What do you expect?"
"...I stand corrected. And you...just...stand."
-Conversation between Lurker and an
anonymous AOL user
---
The Eternal Lost Lurker
...gettin' ficcy wit' it...
EternalLostLurker@worldnet.att.net
http://www.geocities.com/~etlostlurker
"Heeere leezard, leezard, leezard..."
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