CHAPTER FIVE

	The return trip to the dojo was blissfully uneventful, mainly because
most everyone who would bother them was currently unconscious.  They
were able to walk at a more leisurely pace without being interrupted,
and continued to chat and laugh together on their way. 
	Eventually they made it back, and Ranma pushed the door open.  "I'm
home."  He led Nuku Nuku toward the kitchen, continuing their
conversation.  "Yeah, so anyway, the first time I met him, Kuno decided
to challenge me to a duel.  Man, does that guy love to hear himself
talk." 
	"He seemed pretty quiet to me.  He just kept looking at me and made
little choking noises." 
	"Heh.  Kuno's not half as smooth around cute girls as he thinks he is. 
Usually he..." 
	Ranma came to a screeching halt, both physically and verbally, at what
was actually a common sight at the Tendo dojo - Genma and Soun, sitting
in the main room, engrossed in a game of chess.  Only it wasn't his
father, it was... 
	Bolting forward, Ranma grabbed a double handful of black and white
fur.  "Are you crazy?!" he hissed.  "Whaddaya think you're doing like
that?  Change back!" 
	The panda held up a sign.  < It's too cold.  Did you bring my rice
cakes? > 
	"Idiot."  Ranma clobbered the panda, and turned to their guest.  "Um,
uh, pay no attention to... huh?" 
	Nuku wasn't where she had been. Ranma cast about, then recoiled in
surprise - the girl was kneeling next to his father and giving him a big
hug. 
	The cat-girl giggled.  "He's so warm and fuzzy!"
	"Uhhhhhhhh...  Nuku Nuku, you probably should get away from him."  He
glared at Genma.  "No telling what a vicious animal like that might do
next." 
	Another sign was raised.  < Don't spoil it for me. >
	"Okay, Ranma-kun."  She stood up and waved.  "Bai-bai, panda-san!"  She
picked her packages back up and followed Ranma to the kitchen.  Genma
watched her leave, then turned to Soun and gestured that it was his
turn.  When no response came, he leaned forward and peered at his friend
- Soun had a glazed look in his eyes, having been boggled into a coma. 
Genma looked at him for a moment, then rearranged the pieces on the
chess board. 

	"Didn't that seem... weird to you?"

	"What?"
	"You know, having a giant panda in the living room?"
	Nuku Nuku shrugged.  "I've never been in a real dojo before.  I thought
maybe they all had pandas." 
	"Not... really."  They stepped through into the kitchen, and Ranma
waved to the aproned figure.  "Hi, Kasumi.  What's... AAAH!  A...
Akane?!" 
	She crossed her arms.  "Oh, relax.  I'm just helping Kasumi with some
of the preparations.  You'd think you didn't *like* my cooking!" 
	"Well, I'm not partial to being poisoned, if that's what you mean."  He
helped Nuku Nuku put the packages on the table. 
	"Hmph!"  Akane turned to their guest.  "So, did you have a nice time?" 
	"Mmm!  It was fun.  We would have been back faster, except for all the
people who wanted to play with Ranma." 
	Ranma winced.
	"Oh, really?"  She turned a steely glare on her fiancee, remembering
what Nuku Nuku had told her that morning about 'playing'. 
	"Hey, don't look at me like that!  It wasn't my fault!" 
	"Not your fault?  You drag her into your fights, and it's not your
fault?" 
	"I did not!  I told her to stay put while I handled things!" 
	Nuku Nuku moved next to them and listened as the argument waged back
and forth. 
	"Oh, so you left her all alone in an unfamiliar town?  How could you?" 
	"Get off my back, wouldja?  You are soooo uncute!"
	"WHAT did you call me?!"
	"You heard me!  Uncute!  Uncute!"
	"You're a big dummy!"
	"Oh, yeah?  At least I'm not some cross-dressing pervert!" 
	"Why not?  You got the build to dress up like a guy!" 
	"Oooooo!  You're just disgusting!"
	"You look like a ball of cheese!"
	"That's rich, coming from some tomboy who turns food into toxic waste!" 
	"You like to kiss rocks!"
	"You are such a..."
	"You're built like a..."
	Slowly Ranma and Akane ground to a halt, the usual flow of their
arguments disrupted.  They turned to look at Nuku Nuku, who had been
standing next to them and inserting comments with a happy grin.  "This
is fun!" she announced with a laugh. 
	The couple looked away from her and their gazes met - somehow, the
whole thing seemed too silly now to continue.  Silence reigned for a
moment, then Akane started to giggle.  Ranma joined in, and soon the
three of them were collapsed in laughter. 
	Eventually the cat-girl sat up.  "Nuku Nuku's going to go take a nap
now."  She hopped to her feet and bounded out through the cloth-covered
doorway. 
	Ranma leaned against a wall, still chuckling.  "I think I understand
what you were talkin' about before." 
	"Yeah.  Just... something about her makes her seem... harmless." 
	He stood up.  "Nothin' for you to get jealous about, anyway." 
	"*Jealous*?"  She shot to her feet.  "Why in the *world* would I be
jealous?" 
	"Oh, come on.  You can't live without me, and you know it." 
	"Why  you egotistical, chauvenistic..."
	And the eternal argument began once more.

	The bell over the Cat Cafe door jingled, indicating the arrival of a
new customer.  Cologne, the ancient amazon who owned the place,
pogo-caned out of the kitchen.  "Welcome,  welcome.  What can I do
for... why, Shampoo!  Whatever happened to you?" 
	Covered in scratches, scrapes, and twigs, Shampoo clutched the doorway
for support.  "Great-grandmother...  Ran... Ranma..."  She stumbled
forward, but managed to pull herself into a chair before she fell. 
	"Ranma?!  I never thought that my worthless son-in-law would go *this*
far!" 
	Shampoo shook her head weakly.  "Not him.  Ranma have new
g-girlfriend.  She strong... stronger than Shampoo."  Tears welled up in
her eyes.  "Shampoo no want lose Ai Len!" 
	"There, there."  Cologne jumped up on the table next to her.  "We won't
let that happen - I promise you.  Now, tell me everything." 
	By the time Shampoo had finished her story, the sun was setting and
Cologne had bandaged her wounds, including potent Chinese healing herbs
as a poultice.  The wounds weren't as bad as they looked - the amazon
would be back in fighting form in the morning. 
	"...and then she hit me with tree."
	"I see."  Cologne hopped onto her cane and "paced", lost in thought. 
"It's curious... if she's as powerful as you say she is, I'm sure I
would have sensed at least a trace of her battle aura.  It's almost as
if..." 
	The bell jingled, and they both looked up at the figure in the
doorway.  "Hey, Shampoo.  You got any spare bandages?  I'm all out." 
The young woman stopped, and took in the amazon's fresh wraps, while
Shampoo in turn looked over the visitor's bruises and scrapes. 
	They pointed at each other.  "You, too?" they asked in unison. 
	Cologne smiled.  "Well, well, if it isn't Ukyo.  I'm glad you're here -
it'll save me a trip." 
	"Huh?"
	"What you talking about, Great-Grandmother?"
	The ancient amazon peered up at Ukyo.  "You've encountered Ranma's new
friend, I take it?" 
	"Yeah.  She's pretty tough."
	"Listen up, you two."  Cologne hopped closer.  "It sounds like this one
is too strong for either of you to handle alone.  It's possible that
Ranma may already have a new fiancee." 
	"No way!" Ukyo slammed her fist down on the table, then winced.  "I'm
not gonna lose Ranma to a witch like her!" 
	"Shampoo no see what you do about it.  You no strong enough to beat
her." 
	"Oh, yeah?  And where'd those scratches come from - did a shrub try to
mug you?" 
	"I still can teach you lesson, spatula girl!"
	"I think a temporary alliance would be good for the two of you," 
Cologne said slyly.  "I've noticed a few instances in the past where
both of you had to be rescued by Ranma - not the best of impressions to
make.  If you could beat this new girl together, though..." 
	"Me?"  Ukyo glared at Shampoo.  "Work with her?"
	Shampoo looked away contemptfully.  "Shampoo no want to." 
	"That goes double for me!"
	"All right, then - I guess I should start making arrangements to cater
for Ranma's wedding.  Can I put you both down as friends of the groom?" 
	There was a brief silence.
	"Ick.  Oh... all right.  I guess we can work together for a *little*
while.  Once this girl is out of the picture, though, all bets are off!" 
	"Shampoo guess she can put up with that for now..."
	"Splendid."  Cologne pogo-caned to the door.  "You two go home and get
some sleep.  You'll need it." 
	"Where're you goin'?"
	"Me?  I'm just off to do a little reconnaissance."
	Ukyo sat down and started bandaging her wounds.  "Well, be careful -
she's a lot stronger than she looks." 
	"Great-Grandmother no scared.  She can beat anyone."
	"Well, perhaps, but I like to know who I'm fighting first.  Meet back
here first thing in the morning - I should have a plan ready by then." 
With that, Cologne slipped out the door, her cane tapping on the ground
as she hopped toward the Tendo dojo. 

	"Ch... checkmate?  How can that be?  I was winning!"
	<  Stop complaining and pay up, Tendo. >
	"I'm tellin' ya, it was weird.  Kuno, Ryoga, Mousse... they all came
outta nowhere and started a fight." 
	Nabiki thought about it.  "Each time forcing you to leave Nuku Nuku
alone so you could go deal with it, right?" 
	"Well... yeah."
	"That sounds like a diversion more than anything else."  She smiled
slightly at him from across the table.  "Sounds like you've been had,
Ranma." 
	He scratched his head.  "Okay, but why?  I mean, she was perfectly fine
when I got back to her, every time." 
	Kasumi set some food down on the table.  "Maybe you should ask her if
she saw anything." 
	"That's not a bad idea."  Nabiki looked around.  "Where is she,
anyway?" 
	"Taking a nap,"  Akane answered, and got to her feet.  "I'll go up and
get her." 
	As she reached the door, however, it slid open, and Akiko stepped in. 
"Tadaima!"  She stopped and blinked.  "Ranma-kun, why are you pouring
hot water on your father's head?" 
	"He was complaining that it's too cold,"  Ranma snarled, never letting
up. 
	"I... see."
	Kasumi smiled at her.  "I'm so glad you're here - dinner's almost
ready." 
	Akiko bowed.  "Sumimasen!  I'm sorry to put your family through so much
trouble." 
	"It's no trouble at all, really."
	"I know!"  Akiko smiled brightly.  "Why don't I treat you all to a
picnic in the park tomorrow, in appreciation of your generosity?  It
could be like a family outing!" 
	"Family... outing?"  Nabiki sounded almost suspicious. 
	"Oh, I realize we're not really family, but it seems like I already
know you all so well!  And it would be nice to bring our families closer
together.  Don't you agree, Tendo-sama?" 
	Soun blinked.  "Uh, well, ahem, yes, of course!  I agree completely!" 
	She clapped her hands together.  "It's settled, then!  And you don't
have to worry about a thing - I'll take care of all of the necessary
arragements." 
	Ranma perked up.  "Wow!  Free eats?  Cool!"
	Akiko set her briefcase down and gracefully sat at the table.  "Did you
enjoy your time with Nuku Nuku, Ranma-kun?" 
	"Uh... yeah, it was nice.  And nothing went wrong!  Honest!" 
	Genma reached over and pounded Ranma into the floor before he could say
too much - Akiko pretended not to notice.  "Well, that's nice.  Where is
she, by the way?" 
	"Upstairs taking a nap," Nabiki told her.
	"Hm!  I'm not surprised."
	The door slid back open, and Akane entered with a puzzled frown. 
"That's funny - she's not in her room." 
	"Hmm."  Genma rubbed his chin in thought.  "Where could she be?" 
	"Probably on the roof, if I know her,"  Akiko said calmly, sipping a
cup of tea provided to her by Kasumi.  "She likes high places." 
	"The... the roof?"  Ranma stared at her in shock.
	She noted his pale expression, and misinterpreted it.  "Oh, don't worry
- she won't damage anything up there."  She considered.  "Probably." 
	"Something wrong, boy?"
	Ranma whirled to face his father.  "Pop!  Isn't *someone* due to come
back from his trip today?" 
	"Let's see here..."  Genma looked up at the ceiling absently.  "No, not
that I can recall." 
	"You moron!  You know... someone who goes running around the roof all
night?  Someone who would be *very interested* in our guests?" 
	Suddenly Genma gasped, and his eyes bulged from his head; Soun sported
much the same expression as they shouted in unison:  "THE MASTER!!" 

	What a find!  Happosai didn't know why the pink-haired girl with the
long legs and the huge hooters was curled up on the dojo's roof, but he
wouldn't let that stop him.  It was obviously a sign from above - he'd
have to be crazy to pass up an opportunity like this! 
	Silently, he crept along the slates toward the slumbering vision of
loveliness.  It had to be Ranma's doing, he decided.  Not only was he
pretty sexy as a girl, but he was an absolute magnet for beautiful women
as a guy!  At least that worthless Genma had produced one good thing in
his miserable lifetime... 
	The girl stirred slightly in her sleep, and Happosai paused until she
stopped moving once more.  Deciding that he was close enough, he
leapt... 
	...and was knocked to the edge of the roof when the girl backhanded him
with surprising strength. 
	She giggled drowsily.  "Just five more minutes... zzz..." 
	Happosai clutched the roof desperately, then pulled himself to safety. 
So, wanted to play hard to get, did she?  Well, he knew all the tricks
to that game... 
	He walked up to her and crossed his arms.  "Hey, sleeping beauty! 
C'mon, wake up!" 
	"Hmm?"  She lifted her head and looked around with half-lidded eyes
until she saw the diminutive figure.  She blinked. 
	"Allow me to introduce myself.  My name's Happosai, but a looker like
you can call me Happy!  Now, it looks to me like they haven't told you
about the rules around here - any beautiful women who want to sleep on
the roof have to talk to me first.  But we'll just mark it off as a
first offense; all I need you to do is model these soft, silky
undergarments for... your... Uncle... Happy?" 
	He stuttered to a halt - something about the intense gaze the girl was
directing at him was disconcerting.  Almost... hungry. 
	Unfortunately for Happosai, his small stature, beady eyes, and wiry
frame made him, to Nuku Nuku, look extremely... 
	"Meow!"
	...mouselike.
	In a flash she had gotten up and was bounding toward him on all fours. 
Why, this had to be the big mouse that girl had been talking about! 
Happosai stared as she raced toward him... until finally his nerve
broke.  He ran screaming in the opposite direction; she followed him,
chasing him all over the dojo roof.  "Wait, nezumi-kuuuuun!" 
	Everyone rushed outside and stared up at this display, watching the
attractive young girl putting Happosai in fear for his very life.  Akiko
frowned and opened her mouth, but Genma held up a hand, silencing her
before she could call off Nuku Nuku.  He watched the pair run back and
forth on the rooftop, his face impassive. 
	He heard a faint whir behind him, and immediately knew what it would
be.  "How much?" 
	"Ten thousand yen per tape," Nabiki answered from behind the lens of
her camcorder. 
	"You're a cruel, heartless woman, Nabiki Tendo."
	Silence.
	"So, how many should I put you down for?  Two?"
	"Better make it three."