From: Scott Schimmel
Date: Friday, May 08, 1998 1:38 AM

His entire left hand was agony, a constant sharp and throbbing pain.

Yuu:  His right hand was Earl, a friendly but reserved librarian.

<chortle>

I am... disappointed."

Scott:  "You may remember my brother, Certain."

Hehehehehehe.

The tall man was staring blankly at the empty table, shock on his
face.  His hands blurred, and a knife stabbed at the center of the
table, deeply imbedding itself in the wood.

Akane:  Good thought on the bad guy's part.  A telepath could probably
go invisible, using something like Akane's disguises.

Heh, somebody caught that.  That's what I was thinking.

the pain of her two best friends in the world
betraying the absolute trust she had put in them.

Scott:  Absolute trust?  I suppose she remembers it that way, but...

But?  She sure seemed like the trusting type in the manga.  After all, she
believed the most outrageous excuses Kyosuke came up with to explain his
behavior at times.

Scott:  I don't like this.  I think I'd get rid of that one-sentence
paragraph, and move the part about the wedding:

 Watching the wedding was supposed to have been a catharsis, and
 instead it had fed a fear. [...] all the pain and sacrifice she had
 endured seven years ago had been for nothing.

 Her friends were in trouble.  Something was wrong, and she needed to
 figure out what it was.  Gathering...

Hmm.  Good thought.  Let me consider.

"You didn't?"  Kurumi peered at her.  "Hikaru, why *are* you here?"

Scott:  (Hikaru) I've come for revenge against Madoka-san.  Where do
you keep the knives?

Hehehehehehehe.

They'd been friends, although not particularly close
friends.  Kurumi's biggest charm had been her unwavering support for
Hikaru's relationship with Kyosuke.

Ruri:  How shallow.

Yuu:  I thought they were pretty close friends at the time.  Not that
Hikaru had many... maybe she's just looking back on it from her
current perspective.

I dunno... I looked throughout the manga, and found no evidence of any
kind
of relationship between Hikaru and either of the twins other than simple
classmates.  The discussion Hikaru and Kurumi have during the lipstick
incident is the most intimate these two ever get.

To say that Kurumi reacted calmly to this statement would have been
like saying Kyosuke was a decisive man.

Akane:  I don't think this works.  It breaks the mood of the scene too
clumsily.

Hmm.  Probably true.  I wasn't very happy with it when I wrote it.  Will
rethink.

Kurumi blushed.  "Um... why would you bring this up all of a
sudden?"

Yuu:  (Hikaru) You're next, after Madoka-san.  Do you prefer
strangulation or defenestration?

Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe.

Hikaru finally raised her head.  A woman wearing another
bridesmaid's gown stood next to Kurumi.  She had long hair flowing
down her shoulders.  Intelligent brown eyes looked out from a very
attractive face.

Scott:  So, roughly, she looks the way she did during her "day out."

<nod>  That's where I got it from.

Hikaru felt a preternatural need to say something verbal.  "That
isn't Sempai.  At least, not the Sempai I knew five years ago."

Akane:  Hikaru felt a preternatural need to state the obvious.

Heh.  That too.  :)

Manami seemed to consider that.  "Hmm.  What do you think, Kurumi?"

Scott:  I think Manami would be a bit more certain.  She and Madoka
were friends, and unlike Kurumi and Hikaru, they haven't been
separated for years.  If anything, they'd be closer, since Madoka
would be around so often.

Hmm.  Point.

Hikaru gaped after Manami.  She was striding directly towards
Kyosuke.  Kyosuke saw her coming, and his face grew wary.

Yuu:  Hikaru's lost the ability to tell the twins apart.  It's Kurumi
who was moving.

D'oh!

Hikaru spoke in a small, quiet voice.  "What's she trying to say?"

Akane:  After being held in place with the Power, the first thing
Hikaru says is, "What's she trying to say?"  I think she'd have to be
a lot more shocked than she seems here, to do that.

Point again.

Something, however, was better.  This was good, and he couldn't
exactly say why.

Yuu:  Because "better" is, well, better?  This could use rephrasing.

Maybe.  :)

He managed to choke off the scream and bite his
tongue instead.

Akane:  And was lucky enough not to bite through it, apparently.
Getting that done -hurts-.

This was mentioned elsewhere, too.  I may add a stick in the mouth or
something.

His vision was a little blurred, possibly the result of how
tightly clenched he'd kept his eyes shut.

Yuu:  That last part doesn't sound quite right.  Maybe "possibly
because he'd clenched his eyes so tightly shut?"

That does flow better, yes.

He was going to lift one of his hands
so he could look at it, but his muscles gave him a warning twitch of
pain as he began to move his hand.

Yuu:  I'd just say "it" instead of repeating "his hand."

Hrm.  Yes, quite right.

Scott:  Aren't we getting a little more picky than usual?

Hey, I *like* picky.  ^_^

"He teleported away
without saying a word and left me behind.  I looked for him for a
long time.  He obviously found the idea of being with me repugnant,
and fled."

Scott:  I've got to say, I much prefer the anime version of that
storyline.

Well, one thing I should mention:  he *did* fall off the bike in the manga
version, and thus teleported away in a panic to save himself.  However,
Ayukawa doesn't know that - from her point of view, the teleportation was
completely voluntary.

"Kyosuke."  She said his name slowly and thoughtfully.  "I wondered."

Scott:  Nice touch.

I had to read the translations carefully to make sure:  he never *does*
tell
anyone what his name is.

"But you didn't.  You fixed me up.  Thanks."

Yuu:  (Kyousuke as politician) I appreciate your not killing me, and
hope that you will continue to not kill me in the future.

Hehehe.

Ayukawa shook her head.  "They're dead."

Scott:  That's it, break it to him gently.

:)

"You don't
know what a relief it is to... to *know*."

Ruri:  My.  She accepted that well.

That was actually kind of the point of the thing.  ^_^  I was kind of
tired of the cliche of the person told the outrageous-but-true secret who
then refuses to believe it until it's forcibly demonstrated to them.  I
wanted to show someone who, when told the unbelievable, actually
*believes* it.  :)

Hikaru digested that.  Madoka hadn't known during high school
either.  For some reason, that made Hikaru feel a little better.

Yuu:  Except that she must have, after that time travel bit.  Good
thing Kurumi and Manami don't seem to know about that.

No, the time travel story is different in the manga.  In the manga, Madoka
never does know that it was Kyosuke she kissed under the tree when she was
twelve.

We've heard rumors that... that's he been mixed up with
some bad people."

Yuu:  "that he's been"

D'oh!

Hikaru leaned in closely towards the twins, trying to get herself
heard.  "And what does that mean?  What did he do to Sempai?"

Ruri:  To "make" herself heard, or to "be" heard.

<nod>

Madoka stopped, turned, and waved excitedly.
Kyosuke almost yanked her into the limo with him.

Yuu:  You'd think her doubts would be getting strong enough
by now to resist the easier manipulation... "Kyousuke" has
been acting extremely suspiciously all day, and she's been
with him for most of it.

Depends on how strong you think Kazuya is.  More on this in later parts.

"Trust me."  Kurumi's eyes twinkled mischievously.

Akane:  (Manami) What is this strange sense of impending doom...?

:D   :D   :D

Realization washed over him, of where he remembered being and what
had apparently happened to him.

Akane:  "Realization" doesn't go with "remembered" and "apparently" in
this sentence.  It scans awkwardly.  Maybe "Realization washed over
him as he remembered where he was and what had happened to him," or
something like that?

Good suggestion.

Kyosuke blinked at the cool, detached tone of her voice.  Despite
all the pain he'd felt in the past few hours, this managed to make
him feel a bit of horror.  "Is that what your world is like, Ma-
Ayukawa?"

Scott:  Whoa.  I hope we're going to get an explanation for this in
the next chapter, because the last time he visited, it hadn't gotten
nearly that bad.  It's kind of hard to believe that that world could
have gone completely to hell within ten years.

I dunno.  In the manga, gangs run rampant, businesses are either closed or
being closed, everything in general looks run down... it doesn't seem a
far step to the world I describe.

Kyosuke had to blink back tears.  All too vividly his imagination
called up images of Kurumi and Manami fighting and dying just so
they could have food.  And yesterday - had it been only yesterday? -
the talk had been of ice cream.

Scott:  I'd either drop the last sentence, or, preferably, rewrite
this whole paragraph so it's not beating the readers over the head
quite as much.

You think?

Beneath the ice and granite
loomed the women *he* knew as Madoka.

Yuu:  All three of them.

Akane:  (reaches over to whack Yuu)  "Woman."

<nod>  This was pointed out to me earlier.  Still...

D'oh!

Akane looked around the table.  "No."

"Yes," Kurumi answered right back.

"No!"  To Hikaru's eyes, Akane was looking more and more
frantic. "It's not possible!"

Akane:  (Kurumi) Look, we know you liked Sailor Moon, but face
it, the show's over.

Hehehehehehehehehehe... I've actually seen people like this on the
newsgroups.  ^_^

Akane shook her head.  "No.  No."  She closed her eyes as
tears began to come flow from them.  "No no no no..."

Yuu:  (Kurumi) I'm getting mixed signals here, Akane.  Are you
saying "no?"

:D

Manami spoke with a hint of irritation.  "Subtlety has never
been one of your strong points, sister."

"And talking too much has always been one of yours."

Akane:  That doesn't sound quite as insulting as it should, I think.

Ruri:  It works.

Actually, I agree with Akane.  Gotta work on it.

That there's
going to be a lot more pain before it's all over?"

Scott:  That's twice.  Think the author might be trying to
tell us something?

No, this is the author writing the second half of this chapter a few weeks
after writing the first half, and subsequently forgetting what he's
written before.  :)

"Kazuya?"  Grandpa frowned.  "Kazuya?"

"You know, dear."  Grandma smiled.  "Our grandson."

Ruri:  Grandson?

Scott:  I was never entirely sure, but I thought Kazuya was
removed from Kyousuke more than that.

In the manga, they're first cousins.

Grandma continued unheeding.  "But he left with Madoka-chan.  She's
going to be a wonderful granddaughter, don't you think, dear?"

Yuu:  I thought Grandma was the one who favored Hikaru.  (shrugs)

People have said this a couple of times.  In the manga, she shows no
favoritism towards Hikaru.  In fact, in one of the later stories she puts
Kyosuke and Madoka through a gauntlet in an attempt to force Kysouke to
admit he loves Madoka.

Ayukawa was sitting opposite, reading a book.  She didn't seem to be
doing a good job of it; she hadn't turned the page in ten minutes.

Ruri:  One wonders where she got a book.

Well, I'm sure she has her own personal collection that she kept with her
when she set up this hidey-hole for herself.

This raises the famous H. G. Wells question of which books she would
choose to keep with her.  :)

Kyosuke swore silently.  She was so cold and closed.

Ruri:  Earlier, he thought about how she was opening to him again.

Hmm.  Good point, I should have him comment on her mood swing here.

She reached into a box and pulled out a shiny piece of metal.

Scott:  The description of the room in the first alternate-world
scene said there was a mirror on top of one of the furniture-crates.
Why doesn't she just use that?

D'oh!  Several-week gap again.  Will fix.

Amano grimaced, considered, and nodded.  "Very well.  Just
don't miss."

Ruri:  Amano already ordered Kazuya's death, in the earlier
scene.  He doesn't seem the type to reconsider, especially
when he was so definite about it.

D'oh!  D'oh!

A leer spread his lips, and he didn't feel like stopping it.  After
all the pain and terror he'd gone through in the past few days, he
*deserved* a night like tonight.

Akane:  This passage brought to you just in case you still felt any
sympathy whatsoever for Kazuya...

Heh.  I've always hated Kazuya.  Does it show?

Yuu:  Run for their lives... get kidnapped... dodge bullets... deal
with several very angry Espers and several slightly less angry
mobsters... you know, the usual newlywed thing.

Hehehe.  Seems that way in most sitcom weddings, neh?

Scott Schimmel

Thanks a lot for the great commentary, Scott.  I love reading these
things.  :)

-Richard