Interesting storyline; I'd like to see it continued. It seems a little
reminiscent of parts of my story "Lost." Not that there's a problem with
that -- but it *does* mean that I'm entitled to make a free plug. :)

I think the treatment of Akane needs a little work; her behavior seemed
kind of haphazard and random. While she certainly *does* get angry the
way you show her, there's generally (at least in her mind) an
identifiable cause, and it didn't always seem so in this story. In the
scene where she makes the wish especially, you need to show something
more to make her blow up the way she did.

As for the writing, it's generally good, but you need work on some of
the technical aspects, especially sentence structure; you use a fair
amount of fragments and run-ons.

A couple other technical notes:

- When a speaker addresses the person they're talking to, set the name
(or description or whatever) off by a comma

WRONG: "Come back with my underwear old pervert!"
RIGHT: "Come back with my underwear, old pervert!"

- Stick to a consistent tense. Don't slip into present when you're
writing in past tense.

- "It's" with the apostrophe ONLY means the contraction "it is." The
possessive "belonging to it" is written as "its."

- Try to make it clear who's talking. For example, from your story:

	"Why can't I just tell her how I feel?" He asked himself.  Akane
couldn't help but answer him.
	"I give, why not?" Keichii jumped almost a five foot in the air,
impressive, for a non martial-artist.
	"Who are you?"

This is confusing, because Keiichi is mentioned right next to the second
line of dialog, making us think that it's his line, until we figure out
from the context that it's Akane's. This stuff would be better reordered
as something like:

	"Why can't I just tell her how I feel?" he asked himself.
	Akane couldn't help but answer him. "I give, why not?"
	Keichii jumped almost five feet in the air, impressive, for a
non martial-artist. "Who are you?"

Finally, if you feel the need to write author's notes and explanations,
please put them at the end. They really distract from the story when
found in the middle.


I'm being over-critical here, but that's only because I think your story
has potential and I want it to be the best it can be. Keep writing!


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics