RING OF TOLTIIR V: THE BIG CHILI
by Greggsharp@aol.com all char (c) someone else

A woman with dark green hair entered the compound
through the gate, consulted a device the size of a
pocketwatch, and walked to near the section of
compound wall where Zen was  standing.
	"You all left rather quickly," she said.
	"Zen sorry about that. Got carried away, also
not sure you were coming, after all. Shades going to
win that bet, I guess."
	"I _said_ I would catch up with you. Helping
stranded travellers is part of my job, and finding some
way to upgrade my own skills is a definite plus."
	"Shades said as much, only question from him
was whether your bosses would give permission."
	"I explained all the various official reasons."
The woman put the device back into a pocket and leaned
against the wall, not even looking at Zen. "That I felt
you needed assistance, that this was a chance to meet
similar agencies in other universes and compare notes
and techniques, to upgrade my own skills so that I 
could possibly make it to Special Agent."
	Zen nodded. "And if you made Special Agent,
then _they_ typically work alone. No partner."
	The woman nodded. "It's an unofficial reason,
but the chance to get away from my nightmare...you
understand? It also took a little while, even with
the tracker Wasshu gave you for her to locate you
across the dimensional lines."
	"Zen understand. Shades say he definitely
understand, he stuck with man called Potato in many
situations as well."
	The woman smiled now, for the first time. It
was the sort of smile that said a burden had been
lifted from her soul. "Away from the nightmare named
Mihoshi... So what's the situation here?"
	Zen paused. "We always seem to come on the
heels of some disaster, but this time not intradimen-
sional alien invaders, time-travelling dinosaurs, or
ancient evil sorcerers raiding genetic labs. This time
is just cursed wishing ring messing up group of people
with curses."
	"Magic? Real magic, not just something like
Wasshu's technology?"
	"Hai. Zen not understand mechanics, just effect.
Ranma, that him there in red shirt, found ring where it
had been dropped by old hentai named Happosai. Happosai
steal ring from old sorceress who planned to figure out
way past usual word twisting nature of ring, then use
ring to get Ranma to marry great-granddaughter."
	"He's a she, and why is she running from that
young man with all those other women?"
	"That nature of curse in two cases. Curses 
are shapechanging transformations, trigger is cold
water, cure hot water. Zen say he not understand the
mechanics. Anyway, Ranma getting clobbered by Akane
for being pervert. Akane thinks Ranma's a pervert 
because of curse, so Ranma wish that everyone have
Juusenkyo curse too. He find out at that point what
Ring Of Toltiir do, grant wishes but do so in twisted
manner.
	"Anyway, Ring recharge by the time everybody
else came back, then Ryouga (he not here, Zen thinks
he's lost somewhere) hear women say that they be one
to marry Ranma. Ryouga then use wish to make it so
all girls marry Ranma, as Amazons of Chinese Village.
This make Ranma a second class citizen at least, though
Zen not big on Chinese Amazon law. If like Greek 
version, males are considered of less value than pig or
goat in eyes of their law."
	"Ouch, I can just picture what would happen if
that ring got back to Tenchi's compound." She sighed.
"So what are we doing here?"
	"Keeping evil martial arts master lech from
getting ring, once situation resolve, we use cards go
on to next universe."
	"So it's true that you can't use the cards to
intradimensionally travel until the probability lines
clear."
	"Situation look way too complicated right now.
Everything in flux." Zen cracked his knuckles. "Besides
Zen always want to beat little hentai panty thief 
Happosai into little read heap."
	"He's a thief?" Kiyone checked her blaster.
Sounded like her territory.
-------------------------
Akane-kun grinned an evil lecherous grin and gave chase.
Shampoo (in her newly acquired cat-girl cursed form),
Ukyou (in her cursed Akane form), Nabiki (with a blood
alcohol level far above legally drunk- her own Juusenkyo
curse) were all running. Kasumi had started out as prey,
but had become predator as her _own_ Juusenkyo curse 
unlocked a little door in her mind and let a Beast out.
Finally Akane, in her cursed male form, lumbering along
and making various tasteless comments.
     Oh yeah, at the head of this procession, screaming
in abject terror, was Ranma in his cursed female form.
	Cologne merely watched from the sidelines, and
started debating whether or not to intervene in this
madness.
	Finally, after the third pass, her staff flicked
out twice. Kasumi and Akane hit the floor as inertia
exerted its force on paralyzed bodies.
	A few minutes later everyone was back in the
room and hot water was being passed out.
	"Son-in-law, daughters-in-law, I need to
explain a few things to you about those Cursed Rings
you all now wear." Cologne sent a smoke ring to the
ceiling. "If pleasure or pain is given to the wearer
of the Husband Ring, then that is shared by the wearer
of the Wife Ring. 'As if one flesh' it is said. Of
course, as further control over impulsive males, the
effect is far greater if the wearer of the Husband 
Ring inflicts either upon the wearer of the Wife Ring."
	There was a flush on several faces as various
ideas suddenly occurred involving pleasure.
	"Get your minds off that!" Cologne paused. "Well
at least for now." Visions of many great-grandchildren
rose unbidden in Cologne's mind. "Definitely think 
about that later.
	"These rings also serve to convey various of
the ancient cultural attitudes of the Amazons to the
wearers. After all, these are PUNISHMENT items for those
who have failed to live up to our rules. This is why
Ranma (a male) is now afraid of his superiors (his 
wives) and why all of you have become more aggressive
especially where Ranma is concerned.
	"It is made a little more confusing in that
Ranma is wearing the Wife Ring, and that all of you
have Husband Rings, but this much is certainly
foreseeable."
	Ranma glanced over at Akane, who had an icepack
on her head and was looking thoroughly zarked off.
	"Oh my son, you are so manly to have so many
wives," said Ranma's mother Nadoka as she exchanged a
glance and a nod with Cologne. Both thought of the mass
of grandchildren that this should produce and were
already planning how to split the group- some to grow
up as proper amazons, and some as proper Japanese.
Probably let the girl children be raised as amazons
while the boys were raised in Japan, both realized
that they had an ally in the other if an arrangement
could be reached.
	Ranma watched Nadoka Saotome's quiet little
smile and Cologne's smirk and was feeling quite 
creeped out.
	"To honor and obey," said Nabiki with her own
cattish smirk on her face. "Hmmm. So we can do anything
we want with Ranma-kun and he can't help himself..."
	"He can't lie to us or abandon us..." Ukyou 
said thoughtfully.
	"Ranma be good man of Amazon Village," nodded
Shampoo. "Life good. Shampoo knew sooner or later,
somebody give Shampoo break and Shampoo then have
husband."
	"So Ranma, why don't you tell me something
I've been wondering about for a long time," Akane
said, smiling sweetly as she edged near a thoroughly
weirded out Ranma.
	Ranma sweated. He knew he was going to be
asked something embarrassing like who did he love
the best or did he truly love her or did he really
think she was uncute. Unfortunately his mother was
watching now and fleeing the country would not be
considered very manly.
	"Uhm, yeah, Akane, maybe I should go check
the stove, ah heh."
	"Why are you so jealous over P-chan?"
	Ranma began to sweat, there was a compulsion
to speak, to tell all, that she _was_ his wife and
under the laws of the Amazons he couldn't avoid
telling her.
	"Damn, Ranchan, that looks painful."
	"Ranma you no look so good."
	"Urk. P-p-p-"
	Akane smiled, a cruel little smile.
	"P-chan is..."
	"Just say it, Ranchan. It can't be that bad."
	"It not. Ranma no say, Shampoo know."
	"He could tell you but he couldn't tell me?"
	"Pervert-girl shut mouth and listen to 
Shampoo. If Pervert-girl not stubborn low-grade moron,
Pervert-girl would have figured it out by now."
	Ranma blinked. Shampoo knew?
	Akane snarled and started to emit the familiar
blue glow.
	"P-chan is Ryouga, fall in Juusenkyo when
pursue Husband to China, stupid P-chan stand next to
cliff over Juusenkyo, get knocked down as Husband run
by. Fall in cursed spring, turn into piglet, come back
to barbaric island of arrogant people, get Ranma to
promise not to reveal secret, then P-chan start sleeping
with Akane. Ranma try to hint, so Violent-pervert-girl
start beating on him. Shampoo leave out anything?"
	"No, Shampoo, I think you got it."
	"UKYOU KNEW TOO?"
	"Hmmm," Kasumi looked into her tea. "Well, now
that everyone knows I don't have to leave him extra
copies of clothes around for when he changes back."
	"KASUMI!?!"
	"Which means those little perverted things you
were doing with P-chan at night..."
	"NABIKI?! DID EVERYONE BUT ME KNOW?" Akane's
skin had turned an interesting shade of scarlet. "Ranma
YOU should have told me at least."
	"Well, I uh..."
	To everyone's shock, the hammer came out. It
was already well on its way when suddenly a tiny voice
could be heard in Akane's head as reason suddenly caught
up with ingrained habit. "what the hell am I doing?!"
	"Oh dear!"
	<WHAM!>
	<WHAM x5>
	Ranma got up, looked around, and rubbed where
the latest mallet strike had caught him in the side of
the head. That one had hurt.
	He checked and Kasumi was breathing, but was
clearly out cold. She'd slammed forward into the table
and was going to have some swelling where her nose had
impacted the wood.
	Nabiki had been in mid-jump, trying to catch
Akane's arm before the blow struck. She was out cold
too, as was apparent when Ranma got around to the other
side of the wall and could check.
	Akane was concious, but just staring off into
space, mumbling something about "stop it P-chan that
tickles." Ranma resisted the temptation to say anything
and went to check on the others.
	Ukyou swept past him into the room. Glaring at
Akane, she checked Kasumi and started prying Nabiki out
of the wall.
	Shampoo muttering what sounded like a series of
Chinese curses, walked in and used the teapot to change
back. "Shampoo very not happy at you, Pervert-girl.
If laws not keep Amazons from killing each other, then
might give you..."
	"It was Ryouga...." Akane muttered, eyes wide.
"Then that time with the peanut butter and the...urk."
	Ukyou and Shampoo exchanged a glance. Ukyou
started writing this down, but was stopped by Nabiki.
	"5000 yen, and I get you a copy of the videotape
suitable for framing." Nabiki stopped to check her jaw.
It felt like a few teeth were a little loose. "For the
complete series I might consider a special deal."
	Akane was still in shock, shaking her head as
things began to click together. The little pig had...
and then..."Ryooooouuuuugggaaaa."
	Ranma was very glad he wasn't Ryouga, and was
rather hoping that Akane would remember that fact.
***************
	Happosai was pissed. He was angrier at the 
moment then the time Ranma had stopped his first panty 
raid at Furinkan, more thoroughly zarked off then when
Ranma had deserved his special vengeance.
	"Enough!" The little man screamed, using his
demon-dragon chi attack. It was enough to knock the
offending Brad out of the air and into a large black
fullsize sedan.
	Yakuza members immediately began pouring out,
looking for something that was still moving to take
their vengeance out on. One flipped the dragon off
the hood, then their gazes came down to Happosai.
	"Beat it, boys, I ain't in the mood."
	Flashing knives and other weapons common to
the "Japanese mafia"- the Yakuza moved towards the
old man who had something to do with the wreck of
their car. Happosai was all too glad to show them
what a rotten day he was having.
****************
	Somewhere over Tibet, Kodachi, the Black Duck,
wondered where the heck Japan was. Not realizing her
sense of direction in duck form was nearly as bad as
Ryouga's, she flew on into the mountains.
****************
	Nodoka was talking about how manly her son
was to not only have one wife, but apparently able
to satisfy that many women.
	Ranma, quite truthfully, denied he'd done any
such thing. He also flinched as he heard something
being smashed in the background.
	"Well, we can certainly tell where Akane is,
can't we?" 
	"Where are they, you thieves?"
	Everyone turned to look at the group of young
women standing in the back yard.
	Shampoo gave a cheerful shout. "Bui Ling! 
Po Em, Chi Ki, Mai Li, Li Na, Sofa, Rin Su! You all
come visit Shampoo!"
	"Not quite! We're looking for those men that
came into the village. They managed an escape." Bui
Ling shrugged. "Last minute break before the ceremony."
	Shampoo nodded sympathetically. "These things
happen." Her eyes widened slightly as she saw something
behind her Amazon sisters.
	Akane charged, seeing these women with drawn
weapons, well he had a lot of anger to work out. The
rain was just another thing that had gone wrong lately
and there was something to be said for a purely 
physical resolution.
	His first blow struck the woman with the chain
weapon and knocked her back into the horse-sword 
wielder. The next punch was blocked by the woman with
the staff. Akane started a snap kick, and saw his 
punch was blocked again by the staff.
	Akane watched the little birdies for a moment,
wondering exactly how he'd gotten dazed.
	<GLOMP!>
	"Wo da airen! Wo ai ne!"
	Akane-kun looked down at the amazon with the
chain weapons and was trying to make the connection,
even as sounds of disgust (from some) and laughter
(from others) could be heard coming from within the
house. "What?"
	The woman gently kissed one of Akane-kun's
cheeks. "Aiya."
	Certain concepts suddenly clicked together as
the dizziness from that last staff blow wore off.
        "Get away from me, you pervert! I'm not like
that! Really! I'm a girl!"
	"Ah," Shampoo nodded wisely and winked at 
her great-grandmother. "Akane and Rin Su make good
couple, yes."
	Ukyou nodded and wiped away imaginary tears.
"Akane, it's perfect. We understand that you have
someone else now, and have to leave our little group.
We can only wish you the most happiness."
	"What?!"
	"She's still wearing the Wedding Ring," said
Cologne with a tone of great regret. "Unfortunately,
she cannot go and marry Rin Su at this time."
	"What do you mean _at this time_!?"
	"Don't worry, child, there's a way to divorce
you from Ranma so that you'll be free to marry Rin Su."
	"Akane..." Ranma looked on in shock.
	"Wow, sis, I had no idea you were this way."
	"I AM NOT THIS WAY, NABIKI!"
	"My little girl is getting married!"
	"Oh, hello father."
	"WELL, Ranma," Akane glared over at Ranma who
seemed to be paralyzed by what was going on. "Aren't
you going to say SOMETHING!"
	Ranma glanced around, looked at how Akane-kun
was being glomped in an identical way to how he himself
had repeatedly been glomped by Shampoo. The temptation
was almost overwhelming to respond to the situation
the same way that Akane had always responded to his
situations.
	"Fine, be that way, Akane, I hope you and
Rinse are happy together..."
	"RANMA!"
	"Put the mallet down, Akane!"
	"You no want to do that, Hammer girl, I mean
Hammer boy!"
	"Sis, you do that again, I _will_ get ticked.
You know what kind of trouble I can stir up if you do
that."
	"Oh dear, not again..."
----------------------
	<TELEPORT>
	A panda crashed into the koi pond, managing
to bounce off a rock before a monstrous bellyflop.
Kasumi, with her usual presence of mind, grabbed the
koi flopping around on the ground and put it back in
the water. "Oh my."
	Floating overhead, Kitchiri pointed at the
panda. "For crimes you have committed, I call upon
the justice of the heavens upon you, Genma Saotome."
	Nadoka had started forward when she saw her
husband, but stopped on hearing these words. With a
small smile, she sat back to watch this.
	A flaring red nimbus appeared around Genma
as Kitchiri pointed some odd crystalline rod at him.
"From now on, every time you tell a lie, you shall
grow fatter. Goodbye for now." <TELEPORT>
	"That's it? That's the Divine Retribution?"
Nadoka glared at her husband.
	"I've met her before, she's new at this job."
Ranma shrugged. "I guess their training program leaves
a bit to be desired."
	Genma-P held up a sign. [It's not my fault.]
	<FLUMPH!>
	Genma looked like he'd gained another thirty
pounds, all of it fat.
	The sign flipped. [It has to be a mistake!]
	<FLUMPH!>
	Another sign. [I didn't do it.]
	<FLUMPH!>
	Sign flipped. [Everything I did, it was for
the Boy's sake!]
	<FLUMPH!>
	"Geez, he's getting pretty disgusting looking."
	[Appearances can be deceiving.] A pause, then
the sign flipped when nothing happened. [It's not really
what it looks like.]
	<FLUMPH!>
	Having gained another 150 pounds, Genma-P was
looking a little overweight, even for a panda.
	Nodoka, with a little smile, moved to get some
hot water. Genma was going to have a hard time running
away or lying to her, and she could see having to put
him through a very strict diet to get rid of the extra
weight. This could be interesting, after all.
------------------
	Kiyone noticed the rattling of rocks as Zen
began to summon his ki. Familiar with it from when
Zen and the others had come to the Masaki Shrine in
the middle of that incident involving dimension-hopping
giant alien cockroaches, Kiyone immediately started
looking for whatever the target must be. Going out
into the street, she noticed Shades some distance away
apparently in pursuit of a little man in a brown gi.
	"Happosai," said Zen as way of explanation.
	Kiyone could hardly believe it, the little
man didn't look like he could be THAT much of a threat.
	<GLOMP!>
	"Ah, just what I needed to recharge," the little
lech said, nestling in between Kiyone's breasts and
fondling her.
	"AHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!" Kiyone was so
upset by this development that she almost hit herself
with her own taser to get this barnacle off her prow.
	Hopping off, he savored her with a leer. "Don't
worry my dear, as soon as I find that Ring, you'll be
able to appreciate my charms in full."
	"EARTH DRAGON STRIKE!"
	Happosai dodged. "Don't you know better than
that, boy? You're not even a challenge..." A tap of
the old man's pipe sent Shades flying backwards.
	All martial artists develop a certain danger
sense, part of the awareness of one's environment that
allows for multiple opponent combat. Happosai's alarms
went off, immediately moving to DefCon 5. He turned to
see what was going on.
	"RAISHU KEN!" Zen's major attack, learned from
King Kai a few weeks ago, suffered from a major charge
time and damage to everything within three yards of him
as side effects from the punch. Panting in the center of
a circle of smouldering pavement, Zen watched as Happi
shrank to a speck in the distance.
	Shades climbed out of the wall he'd gone
through. "Did we...?"
	Zen helped Shades up. "Yes! He should be in
low earth orbit now."
	Shades and Zen smiled. There were times when
being intradimensionally homeless had its perks, and 
both felt as if this experience had been one of those
times.
	"I need a drink," Shades managed finally.
	Happosai, however, having nearly escaped from
Earth's gravity, was a little less enthusiastic about
all this. He just didn't understand why so many people
got upset at him when he was just having a little fun.
Maybe it was his clothes, he thought. No, he changed
his gi a couple of months ago and it had just gotten to
his favorite color of dirt brown...
--------------------
	A week passed. (AUTHOR'S NOTE: yes, i know
it's a cop-out, but i wanted to end here. Anybody
who wants to write the side stories or details of
the Week Of Five Wives can do so. Please.)

	Kasumi touched the ring, hanging from a 
chain around her neck. It had been a beautiful
wedding and no one would notice Kasumi talking 
apparently to herself.
	*THEY MAKE A CUTE COUPLE, DON'T THEY?*
	Shampoo kissed Ranma. Shampoo then kissed
Nabiki. Nabiki and Ranma finally kissed.
	"Which one?" Kasumi whispered to the Ring.
	Akane kissed Rin Su, who obviously had much
better luck using a love potion than Shampoo had.
	Ukyou passed Kasumi, a caged and squawking
duck, and an equally caged and very unhappy pig.
Ukyou picked up the pig's cage and looked at P-chan.
	"You know, she's only partly kidding about
taking you to a vet and having you fixed."
	The pig nodded.
	"Well, you got your choice, you can come with
me, or you can go home to Akari. Just don't let her
catch you again or you're gonna be squealing in a 
higher pitch."
	"Bweeeee. Bweeeee." P-chan looked quite happy
to be let out of the cage and was scampering off to
join the small group.
	"You know, THAT never happened in any of Zen's
fanfics."
	"I always did like Shampoo," Shades chuckled.
"Nabiki'll OWN that Amazon Village before the year's
out."
	"Why do you think she's going along with it,
even after the Rings were removed? Family honor? No,
this way she gets love, attention, and a broad financial
base. She's marrying into the family of the Elders, and
Shampoo will eventually be one of the Elder Council 
herself." Dan watched Tofu Ono, who was walking rather
unsteadily over to Kasumi's location. "So she 
ACCIDENTLY puts the ring back on..."
	"You sure about this, Ukyou?"
	Ukyou nodded, tears streaming from her eyes. "I
only had the restraunt to be near Ranchan. No family,
no fiancee, and maybe there'll be Somebody out there
for me who isn't a transvetite or total nutcase. Oh,
JUST DRAW THE DAMN CARD!"
	Dan had the honors this time, and a moment later
a single card fluttered to the ground.
	Kasumi inspected it, wondering exactly where
"Juuban High School" was....END