Brent Neef <bneef@ice.net> wrote:

                                 Can't Win

by Bryan Neef
(version 1.2)

Genma fell into a spring.  When he emerged, he had the body of a panda.
Stunned by the change, Ranma was knocked into another spring.  When he
emerged, he was a she.  Thinking that the change was permanent, Ranma attac-
ked his father.

If you split words up like this, be sure to split entire syllables, e.g.
at- tacked. (Look for this throughout the story.) Unless the word is
really long, it's probably not worth bothering to split at all.

It was later, after he had calmed down, that he found out warm water returned
him to male, but that cold water turned him to female.  After a few months,
Ranma's mother came to the Tendou Dojo, looking for her husband and son.  It
was then that he learned of his father's promise:  to make Ranma a man amoung

among

men or else they would commit seppuku.  Thus forcing Ranma to hide in his fe-
male form, becoming his fiancee's cousin, Ranko, in order to hide from his
mother.  The mother he had nearly forgotten in the ten years of training.

These explanations are probably quite unnecessary. I think just about
everyone knows this by now. If you do keep them, I suggest concentrating
less on the actual events and more on Ranma'a feelings toward them.

"Good morning, Auntie," cheered Onna-Ranma, she was fortunate that she and
her father landed in the koi pond.

Run-on sentence. Start a new one after Onna-Ranma.

"Have a good time, Ranko.  We'll need to get packed this after noon," replied

Afternoon is one word.

Nodoka.

Onna-Ranma left the house, heading for park.  She liked to go there in both

for a park, or for the park

"Sure there are.  There are broaches that can mask or enhance one's feelings.
There are earrings that help you hear better.  There are even rings that let
you fly.  But these are wish rings."

"Wish rings?"

"In a manner of speaking.  Actually, some are wish rings, others are anti-
curse rings."

That's awfully convenient, but that's the Ranmaverse for ya...

"Tell me about the anti-curse rings."

"Well, if someone is somhow cursed, as long as the ring is worn, the curse

somehow

"There is far more cold water in the world.  And magic is a part of nature.
Jusenkyo's magic works with natural water.  Yes, water heated by man works,
but the anti-curse rings work with nature.  And water is cold, by nature."

Huh? That depends on where in nature you look.

The vendor moved on, leaving Onna-Ranma to think about her next move.  Nor-
mally, she would have jumped at the chance to be cured, but all of her at-
tempts had ended in failure.  She needed a way to be herslf and stay safe

herself

Ranko stepped off the train with her mother.  She held the umbrella above
them.  She didn't want her kimono to get wet.  Her mother smiled at her
daughter, the simple grace she had refined in the last three months worked

daughter. The

"I'm sorry.  Well, first thing's first, we need someplace for you to sleep.

things

Since you get along with Ranma so well, and you share his room at the dojo,

Shouldn't she be a little suspicious about that?

		There are times when I want to leave the dojo and visit 
	you, especially after fighting with Akane.  I like her a lot, but 
	she can be so uncute.  Anyway, I thought you should have this 
	picture of me so that when we do meet, you'll really know who I 
       am.  I already have a picture of you.  Nabiki actually gave it to 
	me for free.

		I love you, Mom.  I miss you so much.  I wish we could be
	together again.  There's so much I want to tell you, but I can't, 
	yet.

                                                                  Ranma



A single tear rolled down her face as she clutched the picture and letter to
her heart. 

*sniff* "Nabiki actually... gave something away for free! WAAAAAH!!"

"I guess.  The only things he tries to ignore are his engagements.  It's
amazing he can do it at all with Uncle Soun and Uncle Saotome.  Not to men-
tion all of his fiancees except Akane."

"Do it all?" Um... I suggest finding a better way to phrase that.

"Then there's our friend Ryoga.  He's had a grudge against Ranma since junior
high.  He blames Ranma for everything:  walking out on a duel that Ryoga was
four days late to; stealing food that was up for grabs by the entire student
body; and getting lost in China.  He's always coming in, yelling 'Die,
Saotome!' or 'I've had enough sufferring at your hands!'  The worst thing is,

suffering

Kasumi regained her compossure, putting on her cheerful smile.  Ranko held

composure

"Ranko-chan has suggested that I might be able to see my husband if we ar-
rived a couple of days ahead of schedule.  She said Ranma might show up at
the same time, but she couldn't guarentee it.  Is Genma around?"

guarantee

Nodoka looked at her daughter before resuming the cleaning.  When Ranko had
finished her portion, Nodoka sent her to draw their bath.  She had not wanted
to impose on that until tomorrow, but her sloppy husband inadvertantly left

inadvertently; and I'm not sure what "impose on that" refers to here.

"The lastest on Ranma and Akane, of course," replied Kasumi hesitantly.

latest

"And how are they gtting along?"

getting

"No, Mother, let me.  It'd seem like you're pushing the engagement.  From me,
it'll be friendly advice.  She'll be suspiscious, but it'll be easier to

suspicious

"Well, I was warned something like this might happen.  Of course, I could
leave it off for a while.  But Mom would get suspiscious.  Until Mom leaves,

suspicious

Onna-Ranma looked at herself in the mirror.  What she saw stunned her.  She
saw a beautiful young woman, not the pervertion she usually thought of.  A

perversion

Onna-Ranma frowned.  "It's the lack of comments.  The clothes are confortable

comfortable

Onna-Ranma and Nodoka went to pay for the items.  They happily chatted about
things.  Nodoka focused on boys and the family.  Onna-Ranma tried, in vain,
to change subjects.  Her lesson in the art of conversation had begun with the
lessons of fashion and the realization she was becoming comfprtable with her

comfortable

Kasumi rushed to Ranko's side, embracing the young woman.  She fought her
tears, trying to find the words to ease her own pain.  To her surprise, Ranko
was trying to sooth her.

Soothe. "Sooth" means "truth."

"Hai.  Ukyou's my best friend,

Don't get me started on THIS one... :p

"Are there more reason's you want to be a woman?"

reasons

"The harder they fight, the sooner they lose themselves.  Also, the more time
they spend as their cursed form, outside of their homeland, the faster the
change."

Cologne's likely to know that that ain't so... but of course, Ranma
might not think of that.

Ranko smiled as the front door opend.  They heard boistrous laughter from

opened; boisterous

Ranko smiled, "Father, Ranma's not here.  He's away with his friends."

smiled. (Period, not comma.)

Akane sniffed, "Don't worry about it.  Let me get take care of P-Chan, okay?"

Take out either "get" or "take care of"

Ryoga, startled at the answer, fell into the pond.  With a heavy sigh, Ranko
picked up the struggling piglet.  She moved slowly to the patio.  She held
P-Chan before Akane.

"I'm sorry, Akane.  I really didn't want to do that.  He should have been the
one to tell you, long ago."

Akane stared at the struggling pig.  She looked at Ranko's sad face.  "You
knew?"

Actually, Akane's seen obvious clues like this before and not figured it
out....

Ranko nodded.  "Since the night you adopted him as your pet.  Because I
knocked him into the Spring, he made me promise not to tell you.  After I
promised, he went straight for your room.  I tried to stop him, but you
wouldn't let me.  I couldn't break my promise.

That's actually not quite how it happened, but Ranma might well remember
it this way.

Akane quickly caught up to Ranko.  She embraced the smaller woman, tears
rolling down her cheecks.  She whispered desperately in Ranko's ears, "I'm

cheeks

"I-I see.  All right, Ranma, I'll take the time to listen to the woman I
love.  After all, for you, I'm bisexual.

If she's telling the truth, then this is way, WAY too convenient.
Wouldn't it make a more dramatic story to see Akane's love for Ranma in
conflict with her sexual needs?

Ranko and Akane walked into the cafe.  A samll crowd had formed, keeping

small

Ukyou busy.  She glanced up from her grill, wecoming them.  "Hey, Ranchan,

welcoming

Ranko looked at the okonmiyaki being prepared.  "Several things, actually.

okonomiyaki

"I just never knew how to stop it, until now.  Ukyou, as my best friend,

AAAAAAARRRGGG!!!!

please understand that I love Akane.  I never meant to string you on, I just
didn't want to hurt your feelings.  I'm sorry."

"Sorry?  SORRY?  Is that all you can say?  After everything I've done for
you?  I built this place for you.  I gave up ten years of my life for you.  I
did everything I could to prove myself better than her.  And this is how you
repay me?  GET OUT!  I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU TWO AGAIN!"

A believable reaction, IMO.

Ukyou collapsed to the floor, sobbing.  Her entire world shattered before
her.  Her perfect marriage to Ranma was never to be.  Her dreams of the per-
fect romance ended.  The lies she told herself crumbled.  She never noticed
the resturaunt emptying of people.

restaurant

Akane held her fiancee, sootheing the pain with her presence.  She looked

soothing

Ranko took a beep breath.  "Well, with Shampoo, I was going to pretend I
didn't know her.  I was going to have you explain to her that the curse would
eventually affect the mind to the point the victim would believe she was
someone else.  The longer she was from home and the greater the stress, the
sooner the victim would succomb.

succumb

"Since Shampoo knows about Mom, she should figure out that I was under a lot
of stress.  And since the dojo is my home, I would have succombed while away.

succumbed

Akane waited for Ranko to enter the house before directing the Amazon to the
training hall.  "There is a simple explantaion, Shampoo.  The Ranma we knew,

explanation

"You know, Shampoo, if I didn't know any better, I'd say you've learned the
Nekoken," commented Akane with as much concern as she could muster.

Huh? Me not get it.

Ranko sighed as she sat down.  Pouring the tea, she looked at Akane.  "Akane,
when we first met, you promised to be my friend.  When you discovered I was a
boy, you hated me.  I-I'm having trouble dealing with how you're treating me.
This morning, you blamed me for an arguement you had with a friend.  Now,

argument

"Unfortunately, I found away to keep from changing around you.  Because of

a way

Ranko remaind prostrated before her mother.  She dared not look up.  She

remained

Ukyou stared at the graves.  Her emotions were unreadable.  Her pale complec-
tion matched the dreariness of the rainy day.  She had cried herself to sleep

complexion

since she had heard about the ceremony.  She had also closed her restraunt,

restaurant

"Hai.  It was better than Dearest deserved, but I will let him rest in peace.
I hope the others forgive us, in time," replied the elder woman.

I have real trouble seeing Ranma and Akane being this cold about killing
Genma. Sure, he's a jerk, but he's family, and I think deep down Ranma
doesn't hate him.

Overall impressions: One big problem I see with this story that it's too
talky. A lot of the dialog seems rather flat because it's not
interspersed with enough narrative stuff to tell us what the characters
are feeling.

This, I think, leads to some related problems in Ranma's
characterization. His new personality seems dull and lifeless, and it's
hard to accept the change. It's not really a matter of whether the shift
is believable; the problem, I think, is that you don't make a good
enough case for it. We need to be shown enough of Ranma's internal
feelings so that we can understand what he's going through.

So, I'd say that this needs work, but it has the potential to be quite
good.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics