At 01:29 AM 5/7/98 -0500, Richard Lawson wrote:

Okay, be harsh.

Be careful what you wish for, Richard... 

As for me, I decided to find out just how bad Dirty Pair Flash is.
Compared to the original, these two really *are* the Dirty Pair.  

This draft is very rough.  There's some parts I'm not happy with, and
would like your opinions on.  I've already had one *very* good analysis of
parts of this, but would like to hear other opinions before proceeding.
So anything you want to comment on, please do.

Oh, and a reminder:  This is based on the KOR manga, *not* the anime,
which includes both movies.  I also consider the novels to be part of the
anime continuity, too, since they are clearly based on the anime ending
rather than the manga ending.  Also, this part of my story references
manga stories not seen in the anime.  Let me know if you need summaries of
the stories referenced here.

I'm doing some radical things again.  ^_^  Let me know what you think.

(looks at Richard critically)  Radical?  YOU?  BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!

"Your will breaks easily, Kasuga."  The shape bent over him spoke in a
mocking, cruel tone.  

A little awkward, I think.  Recommend getting rid of the 'bent'.  

He had to *think*.  If he could think, he could do something.  But he
couldn't, his mind was clouded and the pain was overwhelming and he
couldn't think.  

Recommend you do *something* to emphasize the last "think", there.  


This was a nightmare, but he should be waking up, oh God

please let me wake up.

I dunno... it doesn't quite work right when connected like that...

Hikaru eeped and looked hastily down, her face burning, all rationality
leaving her in a rush of embarrassment.  Oh God, he'd seen her, he'd seen
her *here*.  He'd think she'd come here to try and win him away one last
time, and he'd be friendly and nice like he always was but underneath
she'd feel the pity, the sincere regret that Hikaru had grown infatuated
with him, and she couldn't stand that, not then and not now.  Oh God, he'd
seen her and she'd never live this down.  She waited, waited for him to
come up to her and call her "Hikaru-chan", for her humiliation to begin.

Nothing happened.

She slowly raised her head.  Kyosuke was now looking off somewhere else,
the champagne glass still in front of his mouth.  He was ignoring her.

Hikaru's fear subsided, replaced by her original certainty - something was
very wrong with Kyosuke.

An example of a blessing in disguise, I see...

"Kurumi!" Hikaru hissed.  She began to move after Kurumi.

And couldn't.

She looked down at herself.  Something was pushing against her torso,
keeping her from going forward.  A pillow covering a steel plate.  But
nothing was there.

heeheehee... Telekinesis is your friend.

When they were outside and a reasonable distance from the door, Manami
whirled on Kurumi.  "All right, what were you doing?"

Kurumi smiled mischievously.  "Protecting Madoka-san."

After reading that scene... remind me never to get the twins angry at me.  

His whole world was pain.  His hands were on fire.  Every beat of his
heart caused the pain to flare up.  Agony was his companion.

Lovely descriptions for this work, BTW.

Something, however, was better.  This was good, and he couldn't exactly
say why.  

Seems a little *too* vague, don't it?

Something pulled his finger, and the pain climbed to new levels.  He
screamed but did his best to freeze his arm in place.  Tears streamed from
his eyes.  He managed to choke off the scream and bite his tongue instead.

Wha... no metallic taste of blood?  ^_^


  He was going to lift one of his hands

so he could look at it, but his muscles gave him a warning twitch of pain
as he began to move his hand.  

REcommend 'it' rather than the last 'his hand'.  

She was kneeling with her hands on her thighs, staring at him impassively.
She appeared to be wearing her old high school uniform for some reason.
And that wasn't the only thing odd about her.  A thousand little things
were wrong.  Her hair wasn't the right length and was cut a little
unevenly.  Her nails were cut to the quick, her face was a little rougher,
she was wearing no jewelry or makeup... it was all out of sorts.  Most of
all, her eyes were... cold.  Hard emerald rocks that contained none of the
life Kyosuke expected in them.

Nice.  Very nice.  

Her eyes focused on him again.  "He never gave me his name.  When... when
I tried to be friendly to him, he... left."  Her brow lowered slightly and
her voice could freeze lava.  "He teleported away without saying a word
and left me behind.  I looked for him for a long time.  He obviously found
the idea of being with me repugnant, and fled."

Kyosuke shivered.  Now he remembered.  "Th-that *was* me."

"Really?"

Recommend a different response, for two reasons.

1. He's in Kazuya's body
2. "Really?" sounds a little too cheery.  Try a very skeptical 'What?',
then have Kyosuke give the response without the 'Yes'.

"Y-yes.  I met you at the Abcb.  You hid me in your coat when Komatsu-
when the police were after me."

Ayukawa leaned forward so that her face was inches away from him.  "Where
do you come from?  Why did you leave?  Why did you come back?"  She barked
the questions at him.  "Answer me!"

Another recommendation.  Instead of the angry 'Answer me', try a simple,
questioning 'Why?'

"Okay," Kurumi said hesitantly.  "Then who's hypnotized Kyosuke, and why?"

Manami's eyes widened.  "Kazuya!"

Recommend more reaction time, and more contemplation before answering.


  Crude

but effective splints had been applied to all four fingers and his thumb,
and his whole hand wrapped heavily in bandages.  

'was wrapped'

"Yes, thanks."  He looked down at his hands.  "I really should see a
doctor, I think."

"Hmm."  She turned back to the pot, stirring its contents.  "Tell me about
your world, Kasuga-kun."

The type of 'hmm' isn't indicated in any way, though it sounds more like a
'humph'.  Recommend changing to "'Hmm,' Ayukawa snorted."

She nodded towards the cases of food.  "They died in a raid we made on a
warehouse, just before the last of the barricades went up.  Twenty-five of
us went in.  Twelve came out, but with a whole trailer full of food."  She
set her bowl on the ground.  "Enough to last each surviving member for two
or three years, depending on how many mouths they had to feed."

"Do you hear the people sing, singing a song of angry men?
It is the music of a people who..."

(notices the others staring at him)

What?

Where the hole lead, Kyosuke had no idea.  He nodded his thanks

and made his way there.

Is it 'lead' or 'led'?  

Cutting off that train of thought, he turned back towards what passed for
the bathroom.

Oh, come on!  I wanted to see Kyosuke aim with one thumb!  ^_^

(Sorry.  Private joke due to scatological complaints in 'Far and Away')

Akane looked around the table.  "No."

"Yes," Kurumi answered right back.

"No!"  To Hikaru's eyes, Akane was looking more and more frantic.  "It's
not possible!"

How about 'Maybe'?  ^_^

Akane shook her head.  "No.  No."  She closed her eyes as tears began to
come flow from them.  "No no no no..."

"come flow'?

Grandpa's eyes were shining.  "My, you all look so pretty!   Akane-chan,
heavens, you've grown so beautiful since the last time I saw you!"

Akane smiled wanly.  "That was an hour ago, Grandpa."

This scene is *painful*.  

Grandma continued unheeding.  "But he left with Madoka-chan.  She's going
to be a wonderful granddaughter, don't you think, dear?"

Oh, dear... Kazuya's doing?  Oh fuckyfucky...

Anger began to build in him.  In leaps and bounds it grew, causing his
heart to pound and his vision to turn red.  He jumped to his feet, banging
one of his hands against the wall and sending spasms of pain through his
arm.  He shouted in pain, turning it into a name.

"KAZUYA!"

*giggle*  This is gonna be fun...

"She is very beautiful," the tall man said calmly.

Amano nodded.  "Very well.  Take her.  I very much have the feeling that
if we threaten her, the boy will quickly show himself."

Oh dear... and they kidnap Madoka before the girls confront Kazuya, leaving
the ladies *this close* to killing him on the spot.

The light from underneath the bathroom door went out.  The door open, and
the shape of Madoka moved towards the bed.  In the darkness Kazuya
couldn't make out what she was wearing, but he felt certain it was going
to be very... interesting.  The leer began again.

He doesn't know *how* interesting...

Kazuya moved violently away from her in disgust.  What kind of perverted
arrangement did these two have?  

(Giggle)  BEAUTIFUL comment, Richard.  Just beautiful.

TO BE CONTINUED....

And again you frustrate us...

Excellent job.

-- Nick