Richard Lawson wrote:

Kyosuke had cried in pain before in his life.  Several times,
actually.
Dressers had been known to fall on him for no readily apparent reason.

But never had he traveled beyond screaming, to a place where each new
flare of pain only caused him to whimper and sob.

You know, for true pain, you (that is, the crime guys) might consider
sticking Kyosuke inside a deep-pressurization chamber, play hob-nob with
the pressure for a few hours and teach Kyosuke the meaning of the word
"bends"...

"Ma... Madoka."

Would this be "Ayukawa" or "Madoka"?  He called her the former for
nearly 8 years, and the latter at best for 6 months (if I'm getting this
timeline correct.  In cases like this, one tends to fall back on habits.

"You'll answer all my questions in time.  You'll feel pain as you've
never
felt it before.  Days of it maybe, although I don't think you're that
strong.  We'll see what we can do."  The dark shape grabbed Kyosuke's
thumb firmly.

What questions?  Not that it's that important considering he disappears.

She shook her head to clear it of extraneous thought.  Right now,
Kurumi
was the person Hikaru trusted the most.  "Um... do you remember
when...
when I went around seducing men?"

To say that Kurumi reacted calmly to this statement would have been
like
saying Kyosuke was a decisive man.  Kurumi's jaw dropped open and her
eyes
grew wide.  "What?"

"Don't you remember?"  Hikaru pointed to her mouth.  "I went around
late
at night and attacked them all with lipstick."

This I don't get.  I'm gathering that Hikaru is trying to use
inconsistent recollections to goad Kurumi to speak with her privately,
but I'm not seeing the string of logic that goes through Hikaru's mind
at this moment.

Or is this a manga story that didn't make it to anime?

"Silly."  Kurumi released Hikaru's wrist and jumped up into the air.
"Manami!"

Why jump?  Waving I can see.

And then his eyes met hers.

Hikaru eeped and looked hastily down, her face burning, all
rationality
leaving her in a rush of embarrassment.  Oh God, he'd seen her, he'd
seen
her *here*.  He'd think she'd come here to try and win him away one
last
time, and he'd be friendly and nice like he always was but underneath
she'd feel the pity, the sincere regret that Hikaru had grown
infatuated
with him, and she couldn't stand that, not then and not now.  Oh God,
he'd
seen her and she'd never live this down.  She waited, waited for him
to
come up to her and call her "Hikaru-chan", for her humiliation to
begin.

Nothing happened.

Is Kazuya reading people's minds as he "scans the crowd" or is he
relying on facial expression?  If the former, surely Kazuya would sense
all this unbridled emotion.

She looked at the twins.  They were both staring at Kyosuke, various
degrees of incredulity on their faces.  Then they looked at each for a

moment, and Hikaru could almost feel a silent communication taking
place.

This isn't telepathy right?  They're just "communicating" like family
members (esp twins) sometimes do because they know each other so well.

Kurumi appeared to be getting angry.  "I say that *isn't* Kyosuke.
And
whoever it is..."  She scowled.  "He won't get away with it."  She
began
to stalk towards the couple.

"Kurumi!" Hikaru hissed.  She began to move after Kurumi.

And couldn't.

Why would Kurumi do this (I'm assuming it's her)?  Especially doing it
to Manami as well?  Manami could push back if she wanted to.

Hikaru gaped after Manami.  She was striding directly towards Kyosuke.

Kyosuke saw her coming, and his face grew wary.

"Kurumi, what are you doing?"  Manami seemed utterly shocked.  She,
too,
appeared to be trying to move forward but not succeeding.

Just as it seemed Manami would run into Kyosuke, she swerved and
greeted
Madoka.  Madoka responded gaily, and they were soon chatting.

Just as Manami would run into?  Don't you mean Kurumi?  Manami's being
held by TK.

Madoka's face went slack.  Kurumi said something into her ear.  After
a
few seconds, Kurumi whirled and walked off, leaving Madoka staring
blankly
into space.

Between Kazuya's brainwashing and Kurumi's hypnosis, it's a wonder
Madoka's brain doesn't flow out of her ears...  Even if all this is
resolved in the end, Madoka's going to need some serious and expensive
sessions with several psychiatrists.  Even after that, there's a chance
that this trauma might turn her off of associating with *any* ESPers
ever again.

Kurumi and Manami looked at each other once again.  Kurumi nodded.
Manami
grimaced, turned, and took Hikaru's hands.  "Hikaru... I think it's
time
you knew about our family."

Where's Takashi in all this?  No, he's not an ESPer, but he knows the
family and their respective personalities as good as anyone.  What's
more, at least in the anime, he (along with Manami) was always the calm
and rational influence in the family.

Hands gripped his finger in a way that called to mind all sorts of
horrible memories he was trying desperately to suppress.  He cried out
in
fear, then clenched his jaw.

Might help if she put a stick or something between his jaw so he can
brace himself better.

Something pulled his finger, and the pain climbed to new levels.  He
screamed but did his best to freeze his arm in place.  Tears streamed
from
his eyes.  He managed to choke off the scream and bite his tongue
instead.

Like I said...a stick would be better than biting off your own tongue.

The room was cramped and dingy.  There were no windows, and the only
light
source was a lantern hung on the ceiling.  He was lying on a futon in
the
middle of the room.  Several crates evidently substituted for
furniture;
they were being used not only to store clothes and other items, but
the
tops were used to put other objects like a mirror or a vase of
artificial
flowers.  One wall of the room was practically covered by stacks of
tin
cans.  Food, he realized.

I'm not as familiar with the manga as the anime.  The anime used this
alternate universe in KOR TV #48.  A couple of questions:1) If society
has broken down to the point that even food is a challenge, then where
is the power coming from for the light and cooking (later)?  Did they
steal propane along with the food and medicine?  It would seem a tad
wasteful in a survival situation.

2) Is there anyone else here?  Surely she didn't carry out that raide by
herself.  She mentions the Kasuga twins, but that they died.  What about
the others?

Now all four fingers were raised.  "You don't want to know what
happens on
the fifth occurrence."

Madoka's open hand facing him probably brings back more painful memories
of junior high...:-)

Her gaze turned inward.  "Eight years ago.  When Akane's gang
attacked.
They saw me as a threat to their control of the school, so they
captured
me and planned to make an example of me.  Then he came.  He had ESP.
He
spoke to me telepathically.  Along with Hikaru and the Kasuga twins,
he
came and rescued me."

In the anime, it was Yukari's gang...Did this Akane have her powers?

Tears of a different nature streamed from his eyes.  He was more alone

than he could possibly have imagined, and an awful feeling hovered
over
him.  A feeling that the worse was yet to come.

What about Hikaru (in this universe)?

"Tomorrow?!"  The panic grew.  "We can't wait that long!  He have to
keep
him from... from..."

We have to keep him...

A strange smile covered Kurumi's face.  "Don't worry.  We're safe for
tonight."

How about "She's safe for..."?

Manami did the finger on the nose thing again.  "I'd say we need to
bring
Akane in on this.  We don't *know* that Kazuya's taken over Kyosuke's
body.  We need to find Kazuya *now*."

"finger to the nose thing" sounds too much like you're talking to the
audience.  If she's doing what I think you have her doing, then just say
"Manami put her finger by her nose again as she thought things through."
or something like this.

"Grandma and Grandpa have the strongest Power in the family."  Kurumi
grimaced.  "Or do have when they're... here."

Alzheimer's knows no prejudices, eh?

He turned his head.  Ayukawa was heating a pot over what looked like a

Bunsen burner.  The smell was emanating from the pot - some kind of
stew,
Kyosuke guessed.  His mouth drooled involuntarily.  He was famished.

A Bunsen burner assumes a ready supply of natural gas.  If things are so
far gone, where is it coming from?

She nodded towards the cases of food.  "They died in a raid we made on
a
warehouse, just before the last of the barricades went up.
Twenty-five of
us went in.  Twelve came out, but with a whole trailer full of food."
She
set her bowl on the ground.  "Enough to last each surviving member for
two
or three years, depending on how many mouths they had to feed."

So did the twelve break up into their own little warehouses after the
raid?  Was Hikaru among them?  Enquiring minds wanna know! :-)

Kyosuke had to blink back tears.  All too vividly his imagination
called
up images of Kurumi and Manami fighting and dying just so they could
have
food.  And yesterday - had it been only yesterday? - the talk had been
of
ice cream.

Is it really that bad in the manga version?  In the anime version, the
sisters still lived in the Green Castle apartments, albiet w/ no older
brother.

Akane looked around the table.  "No."

Hmm...just like in TBE, denial seems to be a trademarks of both
"Akane's". :-)

Everyone blinked at Kurumi.  She smiled cheerfully back at them.
Manami
spoke with a hint of irritation.  "Subtlety has never been one of your

strong points, sister."

"And talking too much has always been one of yours."  Kurumi pulled on

Akane's arm and dragged her over to the sink.  "Let's get you cleaned
up
first."

"always been one of yours" what?  Strong points?

Akane leaned in.  "Remember that we asked for your help finding him
before?  Could you try again?  We..."  She paused and swallowed.  "We
need
to find him."

"Kazuya?"  Grandpa blinked at her.  "But he was just here, wasn't he?"

Is this Grandpa's fading vestiages of ESPer "seeing through" Kasuga or
just him rambling?

Grandma continued unheeding.  "But he left with Madoka-chan.  She's
going
to be a wonderful granddaughter, don't you think, dear?"

If the answer to the previous question is "fading ESPer", then shouldn't
this be Grandpa saying this, not Grandma?  Besides, Grandma had said (in
the anime) that she would have preferred Hikaru. Grandpa's choice was
Madoka.

Anger began to build in him.  In leaps and bounds it grew, causing his

heart to pound and his vision to turn red.  He jumped to his feet,
banging
one of his hands against the wall and sending spasms of pain through
his
arm.  He shouted in pain, turning it into a name.

"KAZUYA!"

See below on editing this scene...

"Damn!"  Amano pounded his desk in frustration.  He stopped himself
and
soothed his mind.  The situation was getting to him.  The longer the
boy
was free, the more Amano began peering into shadows and suddenly
whirling
around at the smallest sound.  The thought of what an angry ESPer that

could appear and disappear at will could do to him made Amano very
nervous.

Yup; what would be more dangerous though would be an angry *intelligent*
ESPer who could appear and siappear at will.  Don't know if Kazuya would
fall in that category, given how he got himself in this mess...

The tall man raised an eyebrow.  "However, the name he gave us..."

Amano looked up at him.  "Madoka?"

The tall man nodded.  "I believe it may refer to Ayukawa Madoka.  She
married a cousin of the boy's just today."

This would be a matter of extreme luck.  There are probably hundreds of
"Madoka's" in Tokyo.

Kazuya lay in bed, eagerly anticipating the moments to come.  Madoka
was
in the bathroom, "preparing herself" as she put it.

Kazuya couldn't wait.

The hotel room was quite luxurious.  Kazuya let his gaze wander around
the
room, taking in the soft elegance.  After tonight, it would be off to
Hawaii for the extended honeymoon.  But here in Tokyo... tonight would
be
the beginning.

A leer spread his lips, and he didn't feel like stopping it.  After
all
the pain and terror he'd gone through in the past few days, he
*deserved*
a night like tonight.

He suddenly sat bolt upright, startled.  "What?"

OK, I think I see what you're trying here...  Kazuya is "hearing"
Kyosuke's rage across the parallel universes.  If possible, I'd edit
this scene so it is closer to, if not back-to-back with the realization
line.  For example:

"KAZUYA!"
---
Kazuya suddenly sat bolt upright, startled.  "What?"
<describe room as he calms back down>

Or something like this.

Maybe fit the gangsters' scene before the Kyosuke realization scene?

"Love you, Kyo-chan."  She sounded half-asleep.  "Nighty-night."  Her
breathing immediately became deep and regular.

Ordinarily I'd gripe about the "Kyo-chan" and "Nighty-night" as sounding
too "kiddie-ish" for Madoka, but given that these are probably implanted
by Kurumi and even if not directly, Madoka's brain is probably the
consistency of pea soup right now, I'd let them pass...

Good episode; as usual for your works...

The only thing I'd bring up at this point is that it seems that Kazuya
(assuming he doesn't win completely) seems destined to be doomed to
die.  When Akane finds out, the shame to the family (a distinctly
Japanese thing) is going to be so great, it'll take an effort of will
not to get the entire family committing seppuku.

Stephen Tsai
--
Kimagure Productions|Eiji:  [Dismissively.]  Kyosuke-oniichan a
    --present--     |wizard?  That scatter-brained, wishy-washy
 Orange College #34 |guy couldn't turn cream into butter!
  Sailor Ranma #19  |
   *Coming Soon*    |Kimagure Orange College #34
                    |
 Orange College V2! |Kimagure Orange College has moved!  Go to:
 Read it again for  |http://www.dhc.net/~stsai/koc
  the first time!   |
Stephen Tsai        |Kimagure Orange College is now in Japanese!  Go to:

stsai@netcom.com    |http://www.dhc.net/~stsai/koc-j

http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Ginza/1604/