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Trouble in Furinkan
Chapter 3: The Trouble with Manliness


	"Will you stop chasing us!" Ranma cried as he, or rather, she at the
moment, fled from Kuno for the thirteenth time in as many mornings.
	"That's it, this is the last time I'm going out jogging this early!" Akane
said as she ran down a parallel street.
	"But Akane Tendo! I love you!" Kuno said as he sped down a street
connecting the two roads, bouquet of roses in hand.
	"You said that yesterday, Akane!" Ranma yelled down the street. "And the
day before, and the day before that, and the day before that..."
	"But Pigtailed girl!" Kuno cried out as he ran the next connecting alley
down to Ranma's street. "I love you!" with another bouquet in hand.
	"Oh yeah?" Akane called out. "Prove it!"
	"But Akane Tendo! I love you!" And down another alleyway Kuno went.
	"You said that thirteen days ago when we started this, remember, stupid?"
Ranma retorted.
	"Fear not, Pigtailed goddess! For I love thee as well, and heart burns for
thee! Here, have another bouquet of roses." Kuno said as he handed Ranma
another bouquet.
	"Oh yeah?" Akane snapped. "Then why do you keep following me? Who's stupid
now?"
	"Akane Tendo, my Diana on the hunt, I bear you roses to signify the depths
of my love!"
	"That's it, I'm turning off here!" Ranma said, taking a right away from
the parallel roads. "Where the heck does he get all those roses, anyway?"

	Nabiki stopped in the alleyway, caught her breath, and then closed her
eyes, holding out the bouquet with one hand and extending the other palm
up. "Any... huff... moment now..."
	"Nabiki Tendo! The roses!"
	And in a gust of wind the roses were out of her hand and instead, a crisp
5000 yen bill was in the other.
	"Oh, pigtailed goddess! Where art thou?"
	"That's the last stop," Nabiki said, wiping the sweat from her brow with
the back of her arm. She looked at her watch. "Enough time for a quick
shower before going to school." And she folded her map (which had Kuno's
course noted down), counted her money, and headed home.

	"Three, two, one," Nabiki said, and then she opened the gate of the Tendo
residence and stepped out.
	"Ah, the bittersweet loss, to have so sweet yet so fleeting a glimpse of
the ones I love..."
	"Towel and fresh change of hakama and gi. Only 5000 yen, Kuno." Nabiki
said. "You can change inside."
	"Ah, yes, what fortuitous timing, Tendo," Kuno said. He handed another
bill to Nabiki and walked inside. "By the way, where do you get clothes my
size?"
	"You ask that every morning, Kuno. They're yours."
	"Where did you procure my clothes?" Kuno asked, wiping himself off and
shutting the gate.
	"I do laundry. For 5000 yen every morning, what's a couple articles of
clothing?" Nabiki shrugged. Of course I usually sneak them in with the
wash, she thought to herself.
	"No," Kuno said, "I mean you must have started somewhere, certainly. Where
did you get my first fresh change of clothes?"
	"Oh, that," Nabiki said, grinning. "I bribed Sasuke."
	"That's amazing," she heard Kuno say from inside. "You had the
precognitive faculty to procure yourself a set of my clothes beforehand?"
	"Hey," she said, "That's why I'm the best. There's some bottled water in
there, on the house."
	"Why, thank you." The gate opened and Kuno appeared, fresh as a daisy,
gulping down a bottle of Evian. "That is not at all like you, Tendo. I
usually would have paid you 1000 yen for this bottle."
	Nabiki grinned. "You're a preferred customer. Would you mind walking to
school with me?"
	Kuno raised an eyebrow at this, then he smiled. "It's quite funny. I
actually don't mind at all."

	"What in heaven's name..." Kuno said as they saw a crowd gathering at the
base of an apartment building.
	The crowd seemed to be pleading with someone above them.
	"Don't be a fool!"
	"Don't jump! It's not worth it!"
	"It must be unrequited love..."
	"My God, she's going to jump!" Nabiki said, pointing up.
	A girl was on the ledge of the top floor and had taken off her shoes. She
had climbed over the guard railing and was leaning over the side.
	"Ah, to die for love is said to be the grandest thing," Kuno said, "but
surely this is a waste. No man is worth giving your life up for!" he called
out.
	Nabiki stared at him in wonder. Was this Kuno? Or had she handed the
hakama and gi to some other man who looked like him?

	As Kuno called up to the woman, she cried back down, "You're wrong!
Without him, how can I live?!" And with this she jumped.
	Suddenly Kuno lurched forward. Who pushed me?! He thought, as he fell on
his stomach. This thought, however, was interrupted by a heavy blow on his
back. He turned to see that the young lady had landed on him! How fortunate!
	The crowd was praising him for his bravery! How flattering!
	"She's all right!"
	"Because this young man risked his life to save her!"
	"It's a miracle!"
	They helped the young woman up to her feet, then simply stared at Kuno.
	"He's all right too..."
	"How weird..."
	"For her it's a miracle," Kuno snapped, "and for me it's 'weird'?"
	"Kuno-chan!" Nabiki cried, grasping Kuno's arm. "I'm so glad you were
here... any normal person would've died from the impact!"
	"Hey!" someone in the crowd said. It was Masanori, from their class! "It's
Kuno!"
	"Whaddaya know!"
	"Well, no wonder! The guy's a damn roach!"
	"Who..." the young woman started.
	Kuno pushed Nabiki aside and went over to the young woman. "Please do not
thank me. The world would be much poorer without a beauty such as yours. I
would date with you. Here's my number."
And with that flurry, he walked off with Nabiki, chuckling.

The classroom was already buzzing with the news by recess.
	"Hey! Have you heard about Kuno?"
	"He's so much more noble than we thought!"
	"Maybe he's not so stupid after all!"
	"And here we thought he was just some good-looking nitwit..."
	"How romantic! I think I'm in love!"
	Mendo was not as enthusiastic. "Hah. He probably tripped and fell. It was
just an accident, I'll wager."
	Kuno's face paled for a moment.
	"You're wrong!" Nabiki cried. "I saw the whole thing!"
	Kuno breathed a sigh of relief.
	"Mendo!" one girl said. "How can you think that of Kuno?"
	"Are you saying Kuno would've never risked his life if it wasn't an
accident?"
	Kuno grinned sheepishly.
	"Hah! Women!" Mendo said. "A man does something the slightest bit out of
the ordinary and what do you do? You fall at his feet!"
	"HOW DARE YOU?!"
	Mendo clapped his hand over his mouth. What made me say that?
	"We'll never forgive you!"
	"What do you think we are?" another girl demanded.
 	"I wouldn't know," Mendo heard himself say, "but the Kennel club might!"
There it is again! I would never speak such to a girl!
	"How can you be so cruel?" And the girls began crying.
	"What is your problem?" Kuno demanded. "I recall your only distinguishing
talent being your insincere playing up to women!"
	"ONLY?!" Mendo snapped. "What about my grades? What about my good looks?
My sports trophies?"
	"And just about anything else your family fortune can purchase," Kuno
finished flatly.
	Mendo was losing control! He clenched his fists and yelled, "N-no man can
say that--- Without facing me in a duel!"

	Ranma waved the red and white flags. "Uh... We hereby commence this...
uh... this duel of honor! Sorta."
	"What manner of sword is this?" Kuno demanded.
	"That's not a sword, Kuno-chan," Nabiki replied, "that's a tennis racket."
	"Tennis? What sort of duel is this?" Kuno said.
	"Shut up!" Mendo exclaimed. "The challenge is mine!"
	"No one's betting? This is unusual," Akane said to Nabiki, who was
watching right next to her. "Everyone should've bet on Mendo by now."
	"I don't think it's so unusual, Akane..." Nabiki said. "I mean, look at
Kuno. I've never seen him like this before."
	As Nabiki watched, Kuno appeared more sure-footed, more composed. He had a
look of determination on his face, and his skin and hair glistened with
sweat in the light of the afternoon sun. He gripped his racket like he
would grip a sword, and he slid his right foot forward, in ready stance for
kendo.
	"You're right, Nabiki... But he sure wasn't like this just this morning,"
Akane said.
	"You're right... Not until up to a point," Nabiki said. "Oh, wait. The
match is starting."
	"Victory is mine!" Mendo said as he served, ball speeding toward Kuno.
	"It's going to hit him!" Takezo exclaimed.
	"Swing, Kuno, swing!" one of the girls cried out.
	But Kuno did not swing. Instead, he turned the racket head edge forward
and turned his head toward the sideline.
	The ball changed trajectory and curved, bouncing outside the sideline.
	"Fault," Kuno said softly.
	Ranma blinked. "Fault... Mendo?"
	"This... this cannot be!" Mendo said.
	Serve after serve, rally after rally, Kuno swung his racket to serve or
return serve, and every time, the ball would curve around Mendo, over the
net and straight down onto the court.
	"What skill! What technique!" Ranma cried.
	"He's... he's an Ultraman!" Takezo exclaimed.
	 "The Demon Ball shall find its mark," Kuno said as he once again smashed
the ball at Mendo's feet.
	"Go, Kuno-chan, go!" Nabiki cheered from the sidelines, as did Akane and
the other girls.
	"The Demon Ball lay low my foe," Kuno said, driving the ball into Mendo's
back. Drops of his sweat flew with every stroke, every swing, glinting in
the setting sun's light, framing his silhouette like stars. Nabiki felt
herself staring, breathless at the sight.
	"Match point!" Ranma cried. "Kuno wins!!!"
	"All right!"
	"Way to go!"
	"You did it, Kuno-chan!" Nabiki cheered, leaping to her feet!
	Mendo wept, falling on one knee. "How? How could I have lost like this?
And to Kuno, yet... I would rather die..."
	Kuno walked over to Mendo and lay a hand on his shoulder. "Please, do not
weep, Mendo. This loss is nothing for you to be ashamed of." He smiled
softly. "It merely means I'm a better man."
	"You..." Mendo looked up at Kuno, tears streaming down his cheeks. "You
are too kind..."
	It was quite a scene, one figure knelt at another's feet, framed by the
setting sun.
	"How... How noble..." Ranma said to himself, as tears streamed down his
own cheeks.
	All the women wept, and quite a number of the men as well.
	Nabiki could only stare in wonder at Kuno. Who was this man? How could she
not see this in him, for all the time they had known each other?
	"I was wrong about Kuno!" Ranma said.
	"He was only PRETENDING to be a moron!" Takezo agreed.
	"I suppose my charade is exposed," Kuno said, smiling.
	"You're so modest..." Akane said.
	Kuno grinned, turned his back to the sun, toward his appreciative
audience, and made the victory sign with his fingers. "Peace."

	The story should end here, but it doesn't.
	A flame erupted from between Kuno's fingers, and a stream of fire shot
from it, onto the tennis court.
	"What in heaven's name?!" Kuno exclaimed.
	"Everybody, dodge!" Ranma said as he jumped away, carrying Nabiki. Akane
followed suit.
	The fire grew and grew, a wall of flame forming, rising higher and higher,
until it began to subside...
	"What the HELL is that?" Nabiki said, pointing.
	"It... It's a Vespa?" Takezo said incredulously.
	Sure enough, a red Vespa scooter tied to a wagon appeared. A man with
pointy ears and in a red jumpsuit rode the Vespa, and the trailer seated
four chow-chow dogs and a television showing reruns of Doraemon.

	It was enough to make anyone say, with all authority, 'Duh?' Or 'Is the
author on hemp?'

	The man combed his hair, got off, and handed Kuno a piece of paper.
	It read:

	-----
	Invoice


	For:	 Increased Popularity

	Fee:	One Soul
	------

	"Who do you think you are?" Kuno demanded. "Interrupting a sacred duel
like this?
	The man with the pointy ears and eyebrows replied, "Why I'm the Demon
Virility!" He crossed his arms. "Fame, love, and charisma are all mine to
command!"
	Nabiki pointed at the chow-chows. "Yeah, I can tell by your friends."
	"Shut up!" the Demon snapped. He pointed at Kuno. "Your triumphs today
were all my doing! Now hand over your soul!" And with that he shoved a hand
down Kuno's throat, all the way to the elbow.
	Kuno bit.
	"YOUCH!!!" Virility said, withdrawing his arm and rubbing the bite mark.
	"Fool! I did not request any such assistance!" Kuno snapped.
	"You did too!"
	"Did not!"
	"Very well, let's examine the proof!" Virility said, snapping his fingers.
A wall of flame rose, and a symbol could be seen in the flames. "This is
the unholy crest of the Demon Virility! Do you claim you haven't seen it
before?"
	"I have never beheld that monstrosity in my life!" Kuno exclaimed.
	"Oh, wait! I'd know that twisty thing anywhere!" Nabiki said, reaching
into her school bag. She took out the map and opened it for all to see.
"It's the path you take every morning!"
	Virility smirks. "Yes. You ran this pattern thirteen times."
	"I had no idea!" Kuno cried.
	"Yes! And you formed my initial with your back to the sun!" Virility added.
	"It's a coincidence!" Kuno snapped.
	"Besides," Nabiki said, "what the heck is a demon doing on a Vespa, anyway?"
	"Why, so glad you asked, my dear," Virility grinned. "I used to drive a
fiery chariot pulled by dogs."
	"Chow-chows," Nabiki added.
	"Shut up. Anyway, great mileage, but not exactly hip. So I bought this
Vespa with my credit card." Virility said, combing back his hair. "Then I
had to get a TV for the dogs, to keep them busy."
	"Chow-chows."
	"Shut up. Anyway," he said, chuckling, "now my entire budgets up in smoke!
Hahaha!"
	Silence and weird stares greeted him.
" Eheh... I thought it was funny."
	"That was a joke?!" Ranma said. "I thought you demons were supposed to
have brains!"
	"Haha! That's true!" Kuno agreed.
	Virility grinned and turned a vacuum cleaner-like device on Kuno. "Not
necessary! I've got technology!" And he proceeded to suck Kuno's soul, a
blue wispy thing, from his mouth. "You should've never opened your mouth,
fool!"
	Kuno shoved his own arm into Virility's mouth and pulled out his own soul,
a sickly reddish wisp.
	The two of them tugged at each others souls from each other's mouths.
	"Unhmand my smoul!" Virility mumbled.
	"'Fyou take mime, I take yourf!" Kuno retorted.
	"What a battle!" Ranma exclaimed.
	"I'm going to vomit," Mendo said, clapping a hand over his mouth.
	"Akane," Nabiki said, "lend me your mallet."
	"My what?" Akane said. "I don't have a mallet!"
	"Ranma's making out with Ukyo over there," Nabiki said, pointing in a
random direction.
	"WHERE?!" Akane growled, pulling a mallet out of nowhere.
	"Thank you," Nabiki said, snatching the mallet from Akane and using it to
smash the soul vacuum.
	Virility saw this. "Fool! Mwat are you do-ming?!"
	Nabiki rushed over to Kuno and put his soul back in his mouth. "Here you
go Kuno-chan. On the house."
	"Thmanks. I'm smaved..." Kuno said, breathing a sigh in relief.
	"No! My souls! All my beautiful souls!" Virility said as he chased after
all the souls escaping the soul-vacuum. "Now I'll never pay my bills!"

	"Will you stop chasing us!"
	"This is the last time I'm going jogging this early!"
	"But I love you, Akane Tendo!"
	Nabiki sighed as she chased Kuno down the new route with a map and the
Necronomicon. "Uh-oh. This path looks dangerous too..."
	"But Pigtailed girl! I --- My word! What's this?"
	Nabiki looked. Virility was pulling a cart filled with old newspapers and
followed by the chow-chows. He was talking to a couple of housewives with
bundles of newspapers.
	"That guy never gives up, does he?" Nabiki said.

	"I'm not joking! They repossessed my Vespa!"
	"Trade my soul for newspapers? Don't make me laugh!"


	TimeRunner, May 3, 1998

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We experience moments absolutely free from worry.
These few moments are known as panic.