|> Kasuga:  [Teleports in.]  Sorry I'm late, Ayukawa!  I came as fast as I
|> could!
|>
|> Ayukawa:  I can see....  [Look him over and can't suppress a smile.]
|> Your shirt's on backwards....
|
|Hmm.  You know, I wonder if she should be *this* blase about the
|teleportation.  I mean, she *knows* about his power, and she's seen the
|*effects* of his ESP, but she's never actually seen him teleport.
|
|I remember growing up in Portland, Oregon.  In 1980, a total eclipse of
|the sun occurred.  Totality's path went right through Portland.  I
|remember talking to my mother in 1974, begging her not to move us out of
|town until after the eclipse (I was big into astronomy when I was a kid).
|The closer the time of the eclipse came, the more build-up there was.
|Media coverage was intense, and built up gradually in the months leading
|up to the eclipse.  School started two hours late the day of the eclipse
|so that everyone could watch it.  My mom's boyfriend and I went into the
|middle of a cement playground to watch it.
|
|Now, I'd been looking forward to it for years.  I knew what was going to
|happen and exactly when it was going to happen.  I had been eagerly
|anticipating it for years.  And when totality came and darkness
|descended... my mouth went dry.  There was a part of my hindbrain
|somewhere that was gibbering in fear.
|
|The same thing here with Madoka.  She *knows* Kyosuke can teleport, but
|actually seeing it should at least strike her dumb for a second or cause
|her to flinch.

Yeah. Like I pointed out in my C&C of your latest work, Lawson-san, the
human mind tends to react adversely to That Which Should Not Be. People
appearing out of thin air definitely falls under that heading.

|> Hayashibara:  Pleased to meet you.  [Reaches into his pocket.]  Say,
|> would you like to come see the opening spring game?  [Produces an
|> athletic...
|
|Tom, Crow, and Mike:  Yuck!!!!
|
|> ...pass to the baseball stadium.]
|
|Tom, Crow, and Mike:  Oh.

Speaking of which, have YOU ever MiSTed anything, Lawson-san? Then again,
writing a story and riffing said story are two entirely different things...
I think.

|> Although the building is old, there's a palpable
|> feeling of tradition.
|
|"Although" implies a contrast here, but I think it's *because* the
|building is old that there's a feeling of tradition.  "A palpable feeling
|of tradition seems to emanate from the old building."

Or perhaps he meant "Although the building is NOT old"... seen several fics
which had that problem with negation.

|> [COMMERCIAL BREAK.]
|
|<Richard winces>
|
|> [Cut to the edge of Seyruun.  Amelia, Gourry and Lina Inverse
|> have just finished fighting a number of bounty-hunters.]
|
|Hurm.  Don't know these people.

Read Stefan Gagne's "Slayers Reflect". Chapter 1 will tell you all you need
to know...

|> Logo:  IBM World Wide Web Design.  Business solutions for a small
|> world.
|
|<smirk>  This was actually mildly amusing.  I can actually here the BGM.
|Well done.

Just wait 'till you have a look at some of the other ones... although I
haven't seen the Maalox one I was half-expecting. You know, the one with the
Cajun restaurant and the James Earl Jones-esque voice-over?

|> Kasuga:  [To Kimura.]  Th-that's very impressive....  So you're
|> really good at math?
|
|Kimura:  Nope, I just read that off of a bubblegum wrapper.

Explains why she didn't just convert the thing into polar coordinates and
just integrate from 0 to 2*pi in both cases.

|> [Cut to the dance floor.  The artificially-generated steam
|> mixes with the pulsing colored dance floor lights to create
|> an atmosphere of unreality.
|
|Cool.  I wanna go there.

I dunno... then again, this IS KOR, and the unreal isn't nearly as likely to
leap out and tear a chunk off your body. Probe your mind, yes.

|> Kasuga slowly wanders towards the edge of the floor, where
|> couples come on and off.
|
|<Richard coughs a few times.>
|
|I'd, er, just eliminate that last part of the sentence altogether.
|"...Kasuga slowly wanders towards the edge of the dance floor."

Or perhaps change the verb. But the fact that everyone's getting off here is
sort of important. The dance floor is raised? lowered? fenced? and there's
no other place to leave it. It makes it that much more likely for him to
spot someone in particular.

|Looking forward to more from you guys.  :)

That goes double for me.

I'm noting a trend... multi-part continuation fics which take place in a
completely new setting (i.e. college) with a completely updated cast of
characters. So, which came first, KOR or DNR?

--G. Falconar