(Lina and Naga are sitting in a movie theatre, sideways in the chairs and
looking at the audience.)
Lina> "Konnichiwa, min'na!"
Ohayo, mina-san! Genki desu ka?! (I'm not fluent in Japanese AT ALL...
I'm not even sure if that really says: Hey, all! How are you?! ... For
all I know it means: My poodle is having a C-section! <shrug>)
Naga> "Helloooooooo, people!"
Lina> "Now, Todd asked us to MST this fic, but the problem is, see..."
(sweatbeads)
Naga> "We know nothing about Evangelion."
!!NOT A PROBLEM!!
Mr. Panda: As you can plainly see by our employer's attitude towards
most things...
Yuji: ... Any C&C is GOOD C&C, no matter how much experience the alleged
C&Cers have...
Mark VO: Right, now get back to cleaning my house, you two. I don't pay
you for lousing around on my puter.
Both: Right!
<end !!NOT A PROBLEM!! rant>
Lina> (sticks finger in the air) "But take heart! We decided that since we
have to sit through this schlock we know nothing about..."
Mark VO: Shlock?! <whispered> What does shlock mean?...
Mr. Panda and Yuji exchange blank looks.
Naga> "We'll just mock the author throughout! Ohohohohohohohohohoho!"
Both> "Roll'em!"
Mr. Panda: As is the purpose of an MST. I'm so glad Mark enjoys being
mocked, some kinda fetish if you ask me.
Mark VO: What was that, slave?...
Mr. Panda: ^_^;; Nothing! Nothing at all!
Mark VO: Good, now back to licking my feet! Oh hohohoho!
Mr. Panda: -_-;;
Neon Genesis Evangelion (C) GAINAX / Project Eva. * TV Tokyo
* NAS
Released in North America by A.D.V. Films.
Planning and Original Story: GAINAX
------------------------------------------------------------
Presenting-
An original Neon Genesis Evangelion fanfiction
by: Mark Eymer (saotome@micron.net)
Neon Genesis Evangelion: New Gospel
Part 1
------------------------------------------------------------
"AAAGHH!"
Both> (run about screaming) "AAAAUGH AAAUGH AAAAUGH AAAAUGH!"
Err...
A scream, one borne of pain and suffering, shattered
Naga> "Well, that's a good thing to know."
Lina> "Why?"
Naga> "There's only so many things you can scream *ABOUT*, Lina-san..."
(wicked grin) "Not like you'll ever know the second one."
Lina> "FIREBALL!"
Mr. Panda: But what about Gourry? I mean... he seems like her type...
^_^
Yuji: Yeah, he's so built... and his sword.. Oooo...
Mr. Panda: ^_^;; Uhh...
the silence of the crisp Tokyo-3 morning. Shortly thereafter
a building crumbled beneath the enormous mass of Evangelion
Unit 01. A monstrous shadow slowly rose over the downed Eva,
starting at the feet and continuing until totally covering
the entire unit.
Lina> "It can't BE!"
Naga> "It's....it's..."
Both> "THE GIANT CHIBI-USA ROBO!" (cower)
Both: What? -_-;; We'll have you know that, while enjoying both Slayers
and Tenchi TV, our author does not enjoy Sailor Moon very much...
Mark VO: Right. Can't stand that damned "meatball head" stuff.
Back in NERV headquarters, technicians and NERV
personnel scrambled to keep up with the furious stream of
orders coming from one, Major Misato Katsuragi, Head of
Naga> "So we know where one is...where's two?"
Lina> "That doesn't make any sense, Naga..."
Naga> "I think that's the point of the comment."
Ahh... c'mon girls. You've never heard that used before?... "Will one,
Mark Eymer, please rise?..." Something of that nature?...
Operations at NERV, as she futily tried to deal with the
situation.
(Naga sits in a chair with a labcoat on, Lina is on a shrink's couch)
Naga> "Und now ve vill talk about your muzzah, Major Katsuragi."
Lina> (sweatdrop)
Mr. Panda: According to C.G. Jung, the problemz eczperienzed by our
patient are mozt likely found in her pzyche... within her subconcious,
pozzibly her shadow archetype... ;)
"Sever all nerve links, NOW! Ready Unit 00 and 01
for immediate launch, and where the hell are the pilots?!"
Lina> "Probably out with the singing cats." (snicker)
Err...
"Ma'am," replied Hyuga, turning in his seat to face
Naga> "His parents hated him enough to name him Hyuga?"
Lina> (grinning, singsong) "Hyuga and Naga, sittin' in a tree..."
Naga> (WHAPS Lina)
What's wrong with the name "Hyuga", eh?! :)
Misato, "Asuka and Rei are currently enroute here. This
unexpected assault caught us all off guard."
"You're damn right it did. Why can't the angels ever
take our schedules into account?" Misato sighed. She had a
Belldandy> (pops head in frame) "Now THAT wasn't very nice to say..."
Lina> (sweatbead) "NOT those kind of ANGELS!"
Mr. Panda: Yeah... these are more like... messengers from hell :)
pilot down and a job to do. "Eject Shinji's plug, now."
Naga> (as Katsuragi) "Damn! I knew we should have given him Rogaine
instead!"
Mr. Panda: We'll have to artificially enter the hair plugs... Dammit!
"There's no response!" Maya frantically keyed a
series of commands into the console before her. "The Eva's
receiving the signal, we have confirmation, but the plug
isn't ejecting!"
Lina> "I'm not only the Hair Club for Eva's president, but I'm also
a victim!"
A very abused one... -_-;;
"Dammit! Why now?! Shinji... hang on..."
Both> "...to the plug?"
"Hold on to your pants and don't piss in 'em!" -Cid: FF7
"Ma'am! External power has been cut!" Maya Ibuki
frantically pointed at the large screen in front of the
command center. It was currently displaying a monstrously
Naga> "Wow, NERV must be rich to have a drive-in right outside HQ."
Err... they're underground...
large, purple entity looming above an all but comatose Eva.
Shinji's Eva. Suddenly, the core of the angel began to glow.
"Oh no! The angel has begun to amass an amazing
amount of energy! The readings are off the scale!"
Lina> (smirking) "Oh, is that what the glowing was?"
Naga> "I thought for SURE it had to sneeze or something." (snicker)
Mr. Panda: And here I thought it was just being nice and showing us a
cool light effect.
Yuji: You're way off... it was gonna show us how to better light up our
lives... with interior conscious lighting! Look at that flourescent
bulb! Woo!
"NO!" Misato's anguished scream was the last thing
heard in the command center as the angel released its pent
up power.
Naga> (as shrink again) "Ja, Herr Angel haff some pent-up aggression
also, ach?"
Lina> (singing, badly) o/~ "Shout, shout, let it all out..." o/~
Gourry> (pokes head in frame) "These are the things I can do WITHOUT."
Mr. Panda nods.
Yuji: Give it to er, GOURRY! WOO GOURRY! What was that about "That time
of the month", again?... ;)
For Shinji Ikari, everything turned a blaring white,
and then slowly faded away into darkness.
Naga> "Wow! Just like the ending to every Final Fantasy game!"
Not to mention all the cutscenes!
-------------------------
"Shinji..."
Lina> "Naga!"
Naga> "Lina!"
Lina> "Naga!"
Naga> "Amelia!"
Lina> "NAAAAANI?!"
"Yuzuha!"
Both: What?...
Where am I, thought Shinji Ikari. Everything's dark.
Lina> "...and it's cold, and I can't seperate my thoughts from the rest
of the sentence!"
I hate it when that happens...
I can't see a thing. What happened after the battle... where
am I now?...
Naga> (voice-over) "You're in Cleveland. We've rebuilt you, Shinji
Ikari..."
Lina> (voice-over) "We've made you stronger, faster, better..."
Naga> "We've also given you something you didn't have before: a spine."
Not to mention an essential part of male anatomy designed for the
production of TESTOSTERONE, don't lose it again.
Yuji: Lose it... how?!
Mr. Panda: -_-;; Don't ask.
"Shinji, wake up."
The last thing I remember is a white light... and
hearing Misato scream.
Both> "WHO?!"
YOU! Er... maybe her, <points thattaway>
Shinji's eyes opened suddenly as he sat straight up
in bed, a cold sweat covering his brow. "Misato!..." Looking
around at the unfamiliar room around him, Shinji began to
worry. "Wh-where am I?!"
Lina> "It was all just a dream..." (points at a pic of the Eva characters
one by one) "...and you were there, and you were there..."
Naga> "Shuddap, Toto."
I hate Toto... that dog is damned annoying ;)
"At home, silly! And what are you doing, calling
your mother by first name? That's rude."
Shinji nearly jumped out of bed, so much was he
surprised. Looking to his right he saw none other than...
Miasto. Then her words true meaning hit home, and he reeled
backwards, putting his back to the wall of the room. "W-wait
Lina> (confused look) "As opposed to the wall of WHAT, exactly?"
An ocean liner, an airplane, anything. Sometimes authors like to
suddenly switch scenes without warning... Go figure.
a minute! What do you mean, mother?! What's going on?!"
Naga> "Why am I wearing this pink dress? Where're my keys? Where did I
sleep last night?"
Who in the hell are you, and why are you in my shower?!
Misato gave Shinji a strange look, one that said
'What do you mean what do I mean?' and bent over him,
Lina> "Where do you wanna eat?"
Naga> "I dunno, where do you wanna eat?"
Lina> "I dunno, where do you wanna eat?"
Denny's! No wait... "Yo quiero Taco Bell."
putting her hand to his forehead. "Are you feeling alright,
Shinji? You were up late studying... maybe I should call the
school and tell them you'll be sick today."
"I'm feeling fine, Misa-" at Misato's reproachful
look, Shinji thought better of himself and corrected his
'mistake', "Er... Mom. But, uh... where am I exactly?"
Both> "KANSAS!"
I thought it rather looked like Mars, actually... could be wrong,
though.
Quirking an eyebrow at him, Misato returned to
standing straight up beside, what Shinji presumed was, his
bed. "Why, you're in your bed, in your room, in our
apartment, in Tokyo, Japan on the planet Earth. Third planet
from the Sun in the Solar System, part of the Milky Way. Are
Naga> "You forgot Uranus."
Haruka> (pops head in frame) "What?"
[BONUS POINTS to whoever can name the show Naga's lina came from! n.n_v]
Simple! Naga's Lina came from: Slayers! I just didn't know that Lina was
Naga's... And come to think of it, you're probably talking about the
Slayers!' Naga as well, not the TenchiTV one, right?... Doh. ^_^;;
you sure you're feeling alright?"
"Wh-who is meant by 'our'?"
Lina> "Boy, they hit you harder than I thought."
Naga> (speaking slowly) "*Our*, is a pronoun possessive, meaning owned
by the speaker and others. Wakatta?"
What does 'Wakatta' mean, eh?
"What do you mean who?"
Naga> "Well, never mind. Apparently the mother is as dumb as a post too."
She's an alcoholic, for Christ's sake... she drinks a beer every morning
upon WAKING UP... This is a woman who could take any situation and apply
"Bottoms up!" to it...
"You said 'our apartment', I assume you're talking
about just us, then?..." Shinji's brow was beaded with sweat
as his tortured mind tried to process what was happening.
There was no logical explanation for this... Misato, his
Mom?!
Lina> "Better than her being your father, dear."
Naga> "Ewwwww...and Pen-pen? Think of the children!"
Ack... :P
"Shinji, what's wrong?..." Concern was etched across
Misato's face as she sat down on the edge of Shinji's bed.
"I'm talking about you, me, your father, and your sister,
Rei."
Lina> (ominous voice-over) "There is another..."
There can be only one!
"Rei's my sister?!"
Naga> "D'oh!"
Dammit. Hate it when you have an emotionless doll as a sister, don't
you? <hides from Rei fans>
"Of course! She has been for the past fourteen
years! You two were twins." Misato looked into Shinji's eyes
as if looking for what was wrong. How could she ever know?
Naga> "For starters, he could tell her."
Lina> "Oh right. 'Mom, I hate to tell you this, but...I'm from an
alternate universe!'"
Naga> (as Misato) "Oh, MAN! I thought you were going to finally admit
you're gay!"
[On the screen, Shinji sweatdrops.]
Err... I don't think so...
For Shinji, it was like... blacking out in one world
and coming to in a completely different one. Cautiously, he
Naga> "Um, hello? According to you, that's EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED?"
Lina> "Mr. Author, you're not related to Misato and Shinji, deshou?"
Actually... I'm not sure.
Mr. Panda: You see... our dear author was adopted at birth, he isn't
even sure if he was BORN on this planet...
ventured another question, "My father... I assume you mean
Gendo Ikari?..."
"What are you talking about? Gendo is your father's
boss. Remember? Gehirn is the leader in AI technology,
Lina> "Don't tell Dr. Stingray, he'll get peeved."
Who the hell is that?!...
Shinji, what's wrong with you?... Your father's name is Kaji
Ikari, your sister is Rei Ikari, I'm your mother, Misato
Ikari, your name is Shinji Ikari, you're fourteen, in your
freshman year of high school, and I'm worried about you. Why
don't you remember us?"
Naga> (in labcoat) "Vell, Mrs. Ikari..."
Lina> (WHAPS Naga) "Shuddap."
Please, do :)
Shinji paused and thought to himself, Kaji... My
father? He probably loves me more than my real father. His
bitter look made Misato wonder. She had never seen her son
look so forlorn and vengeful before. What in the world could
be wrong?
Lina> (solemnly) "Mothers...are you having doubts? Kids acting weird?
It may be time to talk to your kids about alternate timelines,
before it's too late."
Damned acid rotted his brain. We never should have let him meet Dan K.
Buds.
"Shinji... you didn't have a fight with your girl-
friend, did you?..." If Misato could maybe discover what was
bugging her son, she might be able to help him come out of
this... behavior. She just couldn't see why he couldn't
remember anything about his life.
Naga> "So of course, the best way to fix this is to assume he had a
fight with his girlfriend."
Lina> "A few bulbs short of a full marquee."
Have you ever met his girlfriend... oh right. I haven't written that
part, yet... Darn.
"Girlfriend?!" What was she talking about? Shinji
Naga> "If she didn't want you to call her Misato, I don't think
'girlfriend' is going to be any better."
Err... Oedipus complex? I think not. That's "no son's land"...
was suddenly very curious. "I have a girlfriend?"
Both> "Oh."
Gee... wish I could wake up to that information...
Sighing, Misato incorrectly took this as an
affirmative. "What were you and Asuka fighting about, this
time?"
"Asuka?! Asuka is my... girlfriend?..." Shinji's
mouth was suddenly dry. "Asuka Soryu Langley?... She's my-"
"Yes! She's your damn girlfriend! Shinji, tell me
WHAT IS THE MATTER?"
Lina> (as MIsato, screaming) "DAMNIT, SHINJI! CALM DOWN!"
And don't fucking swear, either, god dammit! :P
Silence.
Naga> "...Glaive APPLY!"
Er... what?!
What am I going to say, 'Misato, Mom... I'm from
another dimension where we have to fight against monsters
called Angels to stay alive...'? The best thing I can do
Lina> "I think that would work nicely, yep."
Oh yeah, along with applying for Arkham Asylum as he's doing it... yes.
Wonderful idea :)
right now is just play along... even if I don't know what's
going on, myself.
"Shinji?..."
"Ev-everything's fine, Mi- Mom... really."
Misato looked at him skeptically, "Bullshit. And you
know it. What's up?"
Both> (cheering) "SHE HAD A COHERENT THOUGHT!"
MY GOD! I MUST REMOVE THAT THOUGHT! :)
"Nothing! Really! I just had a really wierd dream...
and like you said... I was up late last night studying. It
was just kinda disorienting..."
Naga> (dreamily) "Well, that and these neat mushrooms."
Not to mention this "water pipe" that just happened to start smoking on
it's on... Really... I promise I didn't inhale...
Misato seemed to study him, and Shinji looked at his
feet. How could he make her understand who he really was?...
Lina> "I KNEW it! He *IS* gay!"
Don't go there... ;)
He guessed he couldn't. And until he found out what was
going on, he also guessed it would be best for him just to
play along.
Looking back up at Misato he plastered a smile on
his face and made a show of sniffing the air, "Mmmm...
something smells good, what's for breakfast?"
Naga> "Soylent green."
Lina> (runs around screaming) "Soylent green is made out of Eva! It's
made out of EVAAAAAAAA!"
What the hell have you been smoking <and who's your dealer?!>
Sighing, Misato relented. She knew she couldn't get
Shinji to talk if he didn't want to. "I don't know, go ask
your father. But don't think I'm done with you, yet... we'll
talk about this over breakfast."
Shinji cringed inside, but he did his best to keep
from showing that on the outside. "Alright, Mom..."
-------------------------
After much debating with his mother --man that was a
wierd thought... Misato, his mother...-- Shinji finally made
Lina> "You'd prefer Pen-pen maybe?"
Maybe... Fate knows he'd be a better mother than Misato would be ;)
Course, that's Misato of the PAST world...
it out the door. He had picked up on the fact that he was
still attending the same school, which was a relief.
Interestingly enough, the apartment Shinji lived in
with his 'family' was the same one he had shared with Asuka
and Misato back in his world. Looking around, Shinji
wondered if he wouldn't enjoy living in this place. Everyone
seemed happy enough, and it seemed as if the Second Impact
had never even happened.
In fact, Shinji couldn't find anything about it at
all. He had snuck an encyclopedia into his room after his
morning shower, and had found absolutely nothing about NERV,
the angels, or a Second Impact. For all he knew, Project
Evangelion didn't even exist. For some reason, that put his
Naga> (slaps hand in palm) "Now if we could only do that to Project A-ko!"
I'm in agreement here... <hides from A-ko fans>
mind at ease.
"Man, what am I going to do?..." Shinji began, "I
can't figure this out... What the hell did that angel do to
me that would make this happen?..."
Lina> "Oh yes, he sounds very at ease."
Naga> (as Shinji, shivering) "I'm O-KAY, man!" (looks around nervously)
Ok, so it needs some work... it IS a damned first copy... I haven't even
edited it once, yet...
"What are you talking about, bro?" Rei looked up her
brother with concern in her eyes. He usually wasn't like
this. Probably another fight with his 'girlfriend'...
Suddenly realizing he had been speaking out loud,
Shinji shut his mouth with an audible *click*. "Err...
Naga> "I KNEW it! He's not only gay, but also a robot clone with a
castanet mouth!"
Lina> (as Misato) "Shinji! What I told you about percussion instruments
before bedtime!"
Err... percussion insturments?... what the hell does that have to do
about anything, eh? ;)
nothing, Rei. Don't worry about it." The present course of
action that deemed itself worth looking into seemed to be
just going along with things. Shinji couldn't think of
anything else to do.
"Alright, Shinji. Whatever you say..."
He couldn't figure it out, but to Shinji, that was a
minor concern. He suddenly found himself with a mother, a
father that loved him, a sibling, and a girlfriend, with no
sign of anything even remotely resembling the angels. Not
sure quite how to deal with this new situation, Shinji
wondered if maybe he could find happiness in this existance,
something he had been competely unable to do in his former
life.
Naga> "Well, the spine we gave you might help."
Probably not. This IS Shinji.
Whether or not he could, Shinji found himself liking
the prospect more and more, the more he thought about it.
Nodding to himself, he made a conscious decision to see what
this life was all about. After all, he, like anyone else,
wanted nothing more than to find happiness in his own life.
Lina> "Obviously, you haven't seen Asuka yet."
Well, that's a double edged sword, there... Let's not even tread on ye
hallowed ground about that one, yet, shall we? ;)
-------------------------
Special thanks go to:
-GAINAX / Project Eva. and Hideki Anno for this wonderfully
thought provoking universe wherein I can spend my time.
Lina> "Oh yes, he loves it so much he revamps it without warning."
Naga> "Otaku do weird stuff."
Lina> "Like Asuka."
Asuka> (popping head in frame) "HEY!"
Yuji: I never did Asuka...
Mr. Panda: And you sound so sad, too... :P
Yuji: I never said I wouldn't do Asuka...
Asuka: Dream on, ya damn pervert.
Peace, and thanks for the MST :)
Mark Eymer