I'm condensing several different replies into one post here, for
convenience. I thank everyone who sent feedback on this story, and if
your comments aren't answered here, I'll reply to you as soon as I can.


Nicholas Leifker writes:

No offense, but this is about as dry as a Texas summer.  She's losing her
bloody humanity, for crying out loud!  In this, you chose literary
symbolism over stark, terrifyingly descriptive fear.  Try to do both if you
can, but always choose the more effective of the two (description) when
writing.  

Suggestion: Describe how it feels to Akane as each feather is pulled off,
one by one, her fear trying to hold onto what little remained of herself
while it tugged at her humanity at the same time.  Another idea might be
for her to fall into an imaginary pit of cats, and have them slowly tear
away at her humanity.  

And Dave Eddy writes:

I thought the description of Akane's surrender to the Shadowcat
was much too brief and clinical.  How did she feel about it?

You both raise the same good point. I used a metaphorical description in
this bit because Akane herself doesn't quite understand what's happening
-- in fact, it's her ability to understand that's being eaten away.
Clearly I could've done this better, and I think your (Nick's)
suggestions are good ones. I'll work on it.

Dave also writes:

        The door to her room still lie closed. She stood outside her

The use of "lie" here is odd.  You could say "still lay closed" but the word
choice is still odd.

OK, I'll substitute something else there.


Free Mage writes:

  Oh.  My.  You know, I *was* going to chew you out for putting this 
out instead of HaM (and never mind about how I'm giving this feedback 
instead of working on Illuminations--this is your procrastination we're 
discussing, here)

Fine, we'll just put the discussion of *your* procrastination off until
later.

, but once again, I've been so blown away by your 
writing that I absolutely cannot find it in my heart to be mad at you.  
Even if you did do something to Akane that even you admit is one of the 
nastiest things you can imagine....

Heh. Actually, one respondent (who shall remain nameless) didn't think
so...

  Now, you wanted some feedback on the ending.  Well, my main response 
was, "Why?"  Not, "Why did you do this to Akane and Ranma?", but "Why 
did you end the story here?".  I guess the problem I have with it is 
that you've declared every other character in the series to be utterly 
powerless in this matter.  Between Happi and Cologne, someone should 
know something about the Shadowcat.  From there, it's a short jump to 
action.  Possibly futile action, perhaps fatally disastrous action, but 
action nonetheless.

It's certainly possible that, if this storyline were continued (and I
don't think I'll continue it, but someone else is welcome to), the
others could find some way to take action. They are hampered by not
knowing who they're up against, but as you say that might be
surmountable. Until such a continuation is written, it's really
anybody's guess what would happen next. I picked the ending I did
because I wanted a certain flavor to the story; but the storyline itself
doesn't have to end where the fic does.

PS:  Gary, you'll receive this twice, as I forgot to change the addy the 
first time.  Gomen.

No problem.


Ronny Hedin wrote:

Since I'm posting to the list, I are bound to commited at
least one horrible error. Watch out. ^_^

S'Okay, at least this way people will be able to correct you, whereas it
might go unspotted otherwise. :-)

	The clock read 9:00 PM.  Akane decided to try to forget about
Ranma, at least long enough to finish her homework. She read the first

Maybe it's just me, but I've always felt "to blah to" sounds slightly
awkward. "To try forgetting"?

Dunno, seems OK to me.

At least there were no "had had"s, I think. :)

careful not to walk in on him. Not that he'd probably care."

Urgh. The last sentence sounds decidedly Wrong; the "probably"
just doesn't fit in with the rest of the words.

I'll change this to: "Though he probably wouldn't care."

	*This is ridiculous,* she said to herself. *Of course Kasumi's
right! Ranma's always come out of the cat fist on his own before. So he
will this time, and that's all there's to it!*

A minor point, but IMO, in just this case, "there is" reads smoother
than "there's".

Yeah, I think you're right.

	Ranma looked back with an innocent expression as the two receded
down the street. The man who just couldn't say no to a woman --
especially not one who's offering free food.

Technically, it should be "one who *was* offering".

True.

	Except that it wasn't all the time. Every time Akane had been
fed up and ready to just end her relationship with Ranma, he'd go and
surprise her by doing something nice. And every once in a while, a

had been - go; Doesn't fit together there.
"had been - he'd went and surprised", but that sounds way Bad.

It's he'd for he would. If it had been he had, then the correct tense
would've been, "He had gone and..."

Also, "nice, and", I think.

Technically correct, but I'd rather keep this one as is for stylistic
reasons.

	Unperturbed, Nabiki's lips curved into a predatory smile. "As it
happens, I have a plan. I can get Ranma to open up to you. I can get rid
of his inhibitions and defenses, get him to show you what he really
feels deep down."

Ohoh. You didn't just *happen* to get the idea after Lawson's fic
whenever-that-was, did you?

Yep.

	Ranma's arms were a blur as they moved back and forth in three
different directions. Fingers ripped into steel as if it were paper,
shredding the weapon within seconds into metallic confetti that sprayed
into the air.

The ordering "shredding - within seconds - into confetti" sounds
somewhat bad - but placing "within seconds" last or after "confetti"
is no better. Hmm. There *should* be a better solution.

Will think about it.

"shredding the weapon to confetti within seconds and sending the shards
flying into the air" ?

	Ukyo stared dumbfounded at the stick in her hands, the stub that

IMO, "hands; the"

Again, a stylistic thing.

	"I sure do. Two mysteries at a time is too much of a
coincidence. I'm betting that when we find her, we'll know how to bring
Ranma back to normal, if he doesn't just recover on his own by then."

Hm. I think, "when we find her, we'll know ... if he *hasn't* just
recovered by then".

I think what I meant was "if he doesn't just recover on his own before
then."

	Now it seemed Ranma's bird couldn't escape from its cage. Or
maybe it was worse than that. Fear gripped her as she remembered a
simple biological fact. Cats *ate* birds.

*That* was a highly neat trick.

	"It's just a stupid doorknob! You've got hands, you idiot!"
Akane opened the door, letting Ranma happily scamper inside before she
could give into the urge to pound him.

Hm. "give in to", I think.

Yeah.

The ending ... is great. Not "great" in the sense that it is an
epic conclusion, or a good ending - but a very, um, "clever" one,
for lack of a better word. Perfect. Except for the last bit;

Nobody really complained about the revised ending, so it must be all
right. :-)

she would bear him litter after litter of young.

which feels a bit out of place to me.

Hm. I have to say, though, that I don't quite like the way it's
explained with the Shadowcat. Especially when he goes explaining
"you can't do that 'cause I'm on another plane and blahblahblah";
it just ... sounds *silly* more than anything else. I don't know
why, but despite what he *does*, he doesn't come off as
evil/omnious/frightening as he should. IMO.

Interesting; I'll think about both of these points.


More responses to come soon!


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics