Since I'm posting to the list, I are bound to commited at
least one horrible error. Watch out. ^_^

	The clock read 9:00 PM.  Akane decided to try to forget about
Ranma, at least long enough to finish her homework. She read the first

Maybe it's just me, but I've always felt "to blah to" sounds slightly
awkward. "To try forgetting"?

At least there were no "had had"s, I think. :)

careful not to walk in on him. Not that he'd probably care."

Urgh. The last sentence sounds decidedly Wrong; the "probably"
just doesn't fit in with the rest of the words.

	*This is ridiculous,* she said to herself. *Of course Kasumi's
right! Ranma's always come out of the cat fist on his own before. So he
will this time, and that's all there's to it!*

A minor point, but IMO, in just this case, "there is" reads smoother
than "there's".

	Ranma looked back with an innocent expression as the two receded
down the street. The man who just couldn't say no to a woman --
especially not one who's offering free food.

Technically, it should be "one who *was* offering".

	Except that it wasn't all the time. Every time Akane had been
fed up and ready to just end her relationship with Ranma, he'd go and
surprise her by doing something nice. And every once in a while, a

had been - go; Doesn't fit together there.
"had been - he'd went and surprised", but that sounds way Bad.

Also, "nice, and", I think.

	Unperturbed, Nabiki's lips curved into a predatory smile. "As it
happens, I have a plan. I can get Ranma to open up to you. I can get rid
of his inhibitions and defenses, get him to show you what he really
feels deep down."

Ohoh. You didn't just *happen* to get the idea after Lawson's fic
whenever-that-was, did you?

	Ranma's arms were a blur as they moved back and forth in three
different directions. Fingers ripped into steel as if it were paper,
shredding the weapon within seconds into metallic confetti that sprayed
into the air.

The ordering "shredding - within seconds - into confetti" sounds
somewhat bad - but placing "within seconds" last or after "confetti"
is no better. Hmm. There *should* be a better solution.

"shredding the weapon to confetti within seconds and sending the shards
flying into the air" ?

	Ukyo stared dumbfounded at the stick in her hands, the stub that

IMO, "hands; the"

	"I sure do. Two mysteries at a time is too much of a
coincidence. I'm betting that when we find her, we'll know how to bring
Ranma back to normal, if he doesn't just recover on his own by then."

Hm. I think, "when we find her, we'll know ... if he *hasn't* just
recovered by then".

	Now it seemed Ranma's bird couldn't escape from its cage. Or
maybe it was worse than that. Fear gripped her as she remembered a
simple biological fact. Cats *ate* birds.

*That* was a highly neat trick.

	"It's just a stupid doorknob! You've got hands, you idiot!"
Akane opened the door, letting Ranma happily scamper inside before she
could give into the urge to pound him.

Hm. "give in to", I think.

...

Wellwell. The "Akane-explores-her-feelings" bits were really not
much different from the way they are "usually" done; but well-
written anyway so I guess I can live with that. ^^

I find the premise horridly scary in itself - it just automatically
activates the "This is so injust! I have to find and kill the
author!" instincts. After repressing those, I can say it's well
written out - as always giving that feeling of *thoroughness* (sp?).

bad. I'm particularly interested in opinions on the ending; the
pre-readers all had different opinions about it, and I expanded it
somewhat for this version.

The ending ... is great. Not "great" in the sense that it is an
epic conclusion, or a good ending - but a very, um, "clever" one,
for lack of a better word. Perfect. Except for the last bit;

she would bear him litter after litter of young.

which feels a bit out of place to me.

Hm. I have to say, though, that I don't quite like the way it's
explained with the Shadowcat. Especially when he goes explaining
"you can't do that 'cause I'm on another plane and blahblahblah";
it just ... sounds *silly* more than anything else. I don't know
why, but despite what he *does*, he doesn't come off as
evil/omnious/frightening as he should. IMO.

---
Ronny Hedin, thark@swipnet.se, http://nabiki.newberry.edu/thark/
KotTF   -><-  "Momomoto, Famous Japanese, can swallow his nose."