[Scene: Earthside, an airport bar. Two redheads sit at the bar. One,
with loose hair and wearing a rather flamboyant costume, is nursing a
drink and a significant pile of pretzels and peanuts. The other,
whose long scarlet hair is braided into a tight, waist-length
pigtail, already looks fairly wasted, and seems to be upset. We
recognize them as Lina Inverse and Shidou Hikaru.]

Lina: You look like hell, kid. What's wrong?

Hikaru: I don't wanna talk about it...

Lina: C'mon...spill it, girl.

Hikaru: <sighs> Well...a week ago...

[Flashback. Scene: The Lurkerdrome. The familiar, purple-haired
Eternal Lost Lurker is sitting behind a cherrywood desk, a high-tech
monocle clipped over his left ear. He is reviewing some papers. There
is a knock at the door.]

Lurker: Enter.

[Hikaru enters, and has a seat at the desk.]

Hikaru: What's up?

Lurker: [shuffling papers] Your contract is up for renegotiation. 

Hikaru: [blinks] Contract...?

Lurker: [passing a sheaf of forms across the desk] Yes. It's been
almost a year, and your contract is about to expire. 

Hikaru: I have a contract? 

Lurker: [facefault/recovery] After careful review, I've decided not
to renew your contract for fic reviews.

Hikaru: [eyes wide] Not...renew...? Lurker-kun, I don't understand..

Lurker: [shuffling papers again] You realize that this summer, act
five of Onna: Red Side is due to enter production.

Hikaru: [nodding] Hai. But there's plenty of time on the side for...

Lurker: No. 

Hikaru: Nani?

Lurker: Due to certain...commitments to the plot of O:RS, I can't
keep you on staff here on the Lurkerdrome. I'm sending you back
planetside. 

Hikaru: !! 

Lurker: If you'll please just sign here, to waive service on your
remaining contract, you can collect your final pay vouchers and
return to Japan immediately.

Hikaru: Now wait  a minute...

Lurker: [Gendou expression] The matter is not up for discussion. Good
day, Shidou-san. 

Hikaru: ... 

[Hikaru rises shakily, and forces herself to remain dignified as she
stalks from the office. As the door slides shut, Lurker removes his
monocle. A tear spills from his good eye.]

Lurker: Chikushou...

[Fade back to bar.] 

Lina: Wow...that's tough.

Hikaru: [sighs] I can't figure out what happened to him...I thought
he...[begins crying softly.]

Lina: ... [thinking] If I ever get hold of this guy...

[Scene: The Lurkerdrome. The door to the main theater slides open,
and a barely recognizable Lurker shambles in. His neck-length hair is
in disarray, and a full week's worth of lavender beard growth covers
his chin. He wears an El-Hazard T-shirt and dark workout pants, and
looks like he hasn't changed clothes in several days. Presently,
several lights are blinking on the central console. Lurker shuffles
over to the boards, absently scratching himself.] 

Computer voice: Incoming teleport. 

Lurker: [grumbling] Flush 'em into space...[scowls] Stupid...belay
that. Bring 'em in.

[The teleport pad hums, and a lavender-haired figure nearly identical
to Lurker appears. The new arrival, however, is much more neatly
groomed, and wears a dark blue Capsule Corp. jacket.] 

Trunks: [waving a hand in front of his face] Whew...what stinks in
here?

Lurker: [grimacing] Knock it off, Trunks. 

Trunks: You look like hell, Baku--

[Lurker nails him with a small ki blast]

Lurker: Don't call me that...!

Trunks: Sorry...sheesh. What's wrong with you?

Lurker: [sighs] It's nothing. Forget it. 

Trunks: [shrugs] Don't we have a fic to review. 

Lurker: Yeah, I guess so. 

Trunks: [grins] I invited a couple people to help with this one...

[The teleport pads hum, and two new figures appear: Mano Yohko, clad
in her Mamono Hunter garb, and Captain Tita, wearing her usual Pet
Shop Hunter wetsuit. Lurker perks up noticeably as the two girls
flounce into seats.] 

Lurker: [stage whisper] Remind me to thank you later, Trunks.

Trunks: [grin]

Yohko: [wrinkles nose] Phew...what smells...?

Lurker: ... chotto matte...

[The two girls blink and Trunks grows a sweatdrop as Lurker
disappears through the theater doors in a blur. Moments later, he
re-emerges, dressed in a clean purple tank top and camo pants, his
hair groomed and face shaven. All present note that he now smells of
strong aftershave.] 

Lurker: Okay! Let's get this show on the road! 

Hiljaa Hyva Tulee Productions presents:

Lurker: Humina humina ha? 

Many thanks to my prereaders, Barry Cadwgan and Joshua
Prismon.
And a special thanks to Eternal Lost Lurker for his help. ^_^

[Lurker flashes the victory sign.] 

The Jusenkyou Guide sat by the campfire, worried. Even
after he had explained the situation, Mr and Miss Customer,
as well as Mr Customer who was currently inside Miss
Customer, hadn't showed any concern about what had
happened in the Amazon Village.

Yohko: [blink] Is he on some kind of drugs?

[Lurker explains the previous chapters briefly.]

The Guide knew well that both his customers were
overconfident, but until now he hadn't realised just how
overconfident they were. It was impossible to escape an
Amazon. She would follow you to the ends of Earth to keep
her honour. Unfortunately for the Guide, as well as elder Mr
Customer, enraged Amazons Amazon's often practised 'guilt
by association', so all three - or four, depending on your point
of view - of them were in danger, not only Miss Customer.

Tita: That's a cheerful thought...

Trunks: I get the impression that the author couldn't decide if
"Amazons" or "Amazon's" was appropriate here. 

Tita: Why's that?

Lurker: Because he decided to use both, maybe? 

Even if the Amazon girl needed to kill only Miss Customer,
there was no guarantee that others would survive the
confrontation.

Trunks: Isn't that dishonorable or something? 

Lurker: [shrugs] The Amazons have a weird sense of honor...

The Guide filled his pipe and lit it. Thank heavens his
contract with Mr Customer would end in the next village.

Lurker: Do you think you'll survive that long?

Lina sat on her sleeping bag, staring out of the tent's open
door flap. Even if she hadn't let it show, the Guide's story had
disturbed her. A tribal law that required you to kill somebody
just because you were defeated? Ridiculous.

Yohko: What do you expect from people who are named after toiletries?


Tita: Yeah, that's like being named after underwear or something...

Trunks: ...

Lurker: [snicker]

Trunks: Stop that, or I tell them your *real* name.

Lurker: ...

And to make things worse, she wasn't the only one affected.
If it had been just her, Lina was sure she had nothing to fear
from the Amazon girl, Shampoo. But, as things were, she
wasn't alone in her body. How would Ranma fare?

Tita: He's Ranma. 'Nuff said. 

Ranma's mental voice sounded arrogant. <Yeah. It's no big
deal, really. If that girl shows up, I can handle her all right.>

Trunks: He's as arrogant as usual...

<No prob. I can beat her.>

<Good. Anyway, I'm going go to sleep. Good night,
Ranma.>

Yohko: She seems awfully calm about this...

Lurker: Imminent doom never really bothered Lina much.

Lina snickered. "Looks like you forgot your curse, pops."

Lurker: She's calling him pops now?

Vaguely, Ranma heard something intruding to his sleep. It
sounded like a girl's laughter. Or was it his own? _Her_ own?

Yohko: Inquiring minds want to know.

Trunks: Yes, and Ranma's mind is inquiring.

Tita: [aside to Lurker] Does he always kill a joke so well?

Lurker: [nod]

<Right.> Lina closed her eyes and tried to shut down all
outside stimuli. Half a minute later, there was a quick feeling
of vertigo, and she found herself a passenger once more.

Lurker: You know, that's a scary thought...

Trunks: Hn?

Lurker: Backseat body driver...

[Trunks blinks. The girls giggle.]

Ranma stood up, everything seemed to be still working. He
turned back towards the camp just as Genma poured the
warm water over himself, once again assuming his human
form. Unfortunately for Ranma, his father used all the water.

Yohko: Typical Genma for ya...

Adjusting his glasses, Genma turned to face the young girl.
"Son? Is that you?"

Tita: From anyone else, that statement would qualify as looney bin
bait...

Genma nodded once. "Good." It was as good a time for
another training session as any, the elder Saotome thought.
He took a few deep breaths to prepare himself mentally.

Lurker: Hard to prepare something that's not there in the first
place...

<Gee, Ranma,> Lina said. <Your father sure initiates training
sessions at odd times.>

<Yeah. Sometimes I think he does it just to spite me.>

Yohko: I can sympathize, believe me...

The sparring session didn't take much longer. In less than a
minute, Genma sent his son flying to the river. "You're way
too sloppy today, son!" he bellowed. "I expect much a better
performance in the future!"

Trunks: He probably expects a much better performance, too.

Ranma froze for a second. It had been so obvious that he
hadn't even considered it. Lina's body was way different from
his own. It was smaller, the mass was distributed differently,
and he probably was weaker than in his male body. Curious,
Ranma began a kata. What better way is there to see just
how different Lina's body is, he though.

Lurker: Nice thinking.

<You know, Lina, your body wasn't that different from mine.>

[All four reviewers facefault.] 

<By the way Lina, it's a good thing you're so flat-chested,>
Ranma remarked after a while.

Lurker: [snicker] 

Tita: [frown] Being flat-chested is not a good thing...

[Lurker and Trunks cast an odd glance at Tita, but decline to
comment.]

<Oh?> Lina said in dangerous voice. To think that somebody
thought her greatest embarrassment was a good thing...

Tita: I feel for you, Lina-san...

Oblivious as always to the not-so-subtle change in Lina's
voice, Ranma continued <Yeah. Since your breasts are so
small, the center of your body's mass ain't that far from
mine...>

Lurker: He's setting himself up for some deep hurting...

The Guide had been so worried about the Amazon situation
that hadn't fallen asleep until near four o'clock, so he didn't
wake up until he heard Ranma's scream. Fearing the worst,
the Chinese man scrambled out of his tent. He wasn't,
however, greeted with a sight of Mr Customer being killed by
the Amazon. Instead, the young boy was doubled over next
to the campfire, clutching his head. The Guide blinked,
confused. Why was Mr Customer acting like that?

[The reviewers snicker.]

< ...and don't you ever again make fun of it you tactless
JERK!!!!> Had she been able to, Lina would have taken
Ranma into a headlock and pounded him for good. But, as
things were, she couldn't and had to settle for screaming at
him. Fortunately mental screaming didn't give her a sore
throat.

Lurker: [ROFL]

Tita: [cheer] Yeah! Get 'im, Lina! 

Ranma glanced at his father. "Yeah. Lina's just a little peeved
since she's so flatOW!" Ranma winced in pain. Lina knew
how to shout, that was for sure. Just his luck to be stuck with
a short-temper chick like her.

Trunks: Not to mention being stuck with your own big mouth...

Genma turned to tend the food. It wasn't like he didn't want to
help his son, but this was way out of his league. So, he
decided to use a very old method of dealing with this kind of
situation: ignore it and maybe it'll go away.

Lurker: His favorite tactic...

Ranma, meanwhile, was still in considerable pain. It was
good that Lina couldn't do anything physical to him. He
wouldn't want to be in the receiving end of that Dillwhatever-
thingie she had used on his father. Still, Ranma wasn't in a
mood to fight, anymore. Maybe it had something to do with
that headache.

[The reviewers snicker again.]

"Food's ready," Genma announced and all thoughts of
fighting disappeared from Ranma's head. He was starved
and Pop had already started gobbling down the food.

Trunks: So Ranma gets the last laugh after all.

Tita: [blink] Huh?

Lurker: He's eating, and Lina has to sit and watch.

<I don't think it's so bad,> Lina said. She and Ranma had
been making small talk for most of the journey. The worst
thing, in Lina's opinion, in being stuck in the back of Ranma's
head, was the boredom. Thus, she had quickly forgiven
Ranma and kept on pestering him about information of the
modern world. Somehow, the discussion had moved on to
Jusenkyou and their shared curse.

Trunks: That makes sense. I doubt it's very far from either of their
minds.

<True.> Had she been able to, Lina would have nodded.
<But isn't it better to turn into a girl than, for example, to a
panda or a piglet? At least you can still talk and people still
consider you a person.>

Yohko: Wisdom!

<Hmm... I can try.> Lina closed her eyes, or at least ignored
what she saw through Ranma's eyes, and concentrated on
the spell. The energy came to her, was easily bent to her will
and released. Unfortunately, the spell immediately bounced
back at her, accomplishing absolutely nothing. Lina did the
mental equivalent of a blink. She tried again, but with the
same result. Curious, the young sorceress tried a few other
minor spells, but all bounced back at her. For a few minutes
Lina pondered how something seemed to be blocking all her
spells.

Suddenly, it all came clear to her.

Lurker: Duh...a mind can't cast spells made to be cast by a body...

Trunks: This is what she gets for not studying up on shamanism.

Lina sighed. This reminds me of Gourry, she thought. <In
essence, while you're in control of the body,  it works as a
pentagram that binds me inside it. I can observe what's
happening outside, but unable to affect it. Most likely same
holds true for you while I'm in control. It is probably a side-
effect of the curse. Understood?>

Ranma shook his head. <No. I'm even more lost now.>

Lurker: Gourry complex.

[The others nod.]

<Look, Ranma. I can't help you in this, okay?> She said,
forcing her voice to be calm. <As long as you're in control,
I'm just a voice in the back of your head.>

<So... Umm... If I give you control for a moment, could you
cast the spell?>

<Sure, but I'd probably have to stay in control to maintain it.>

<Oh. So you can't.>

<Nope.>

<Damn.>

Yohko: Couldn't she try to teach Ranma how to use the spell?

[An inexplicable shadow falls over  the front of theater.]

Lurker: Hmmm...

"Aiyah! I sorry, Mr Customer. Much apologising. Now, Mr
Customer..." The Guide turned to Genma and gave him a
piece of paper. A rather long piece of paper. "Here's my bill.
Pay in cash, please."

Lurker: His Japanese improved drastically all of a sudden...

"I was hired to guide you this far. From here you can easily
go to the city Xining."

Trunks: You're right...interesting...

Genma flipped the sign over. "I would have to sell my only
child to slavery to survive! I would starve!" flip. "How can you
be so cruel!" The last sign was accompanied by one of the
most pitiful, fake puppy dog eye expressions in the recorded
history. It was indeed lucky for Genma that Ranma was
standing behind him, and thus didn't see what read in the
signs.

Lurker: [smirk] The man is completely pathetic. 

Shampoo smirked as she saw how fast the street cleared
at her appearance. The people seemed to know that when
there was an angry Amazon in town, it was time to make
yourself scarce.

Lurker: Yeah, wouldn't want to get whapped upside the head with a
bimboesque boo-

[Lurker suddenly finds himself gagged by the two girls.] 

Tita: Why didn't someone warn me that Lurker-san is a pervert? 

Walking to the restaurant the girl had entered, Shampoo
peered in through a window. The girl and her panda had
already sat down to eat. It was clear they weren't expecting
her. Good, it was time to kill.

Trunks: That's the problem with the world today. There's never enough
time to kill. 

Yohko: Isn't killing time illegal?

Lurker: Only if you work for Timex...

Then, the Chinese girl snuck around the corner, preparing to
ambush the outsider through the flimsy wall.  Letting out a
loud kiai, she created another entrance in her own, unique
way.

Lurker: Completely blowing the element of surprise in the process...

Ranma was halfway through his portion when the wall next to
him exploded and the Amazon girl charged in, murder in her
eyes. He artist was barely able to dodge the Chinese girl's
first swings and jump back.

Lurker: Can anyone tell me what's wrong with this paragraph?

Tita: Ooh! I know, I know!

Lurker: Hai?

Tita: Ummm... 

Lurker: [dryly] Take your time.

Trunks: It might be noted at this point that "he artist" is a poor
turn of phrase. 

<Why aren't you hitting back!!??> Lina screamed in fright.

Yohko: If Ranma uses that dipshit "I don't hit girls" line...

<I ain't got a chance! She comes on like a train!> In truth,
Ranma couldn't make himself to attack a girl, even in the girl
was currently trying to kill him. He was again forced to dance
back, as the Chinese girl attacked with a vicious combination
of bonbori swings and kicks.

[Trunks and Lurker become extremely nervous as the two girls in the
theater begin glowing blue]

Genma had tried to make himself inconspicuous the moment
Shampoo burst in. It was best to leave this to Ranma, after
all, it was him, or at least Lina, who the girl was after. But, as
the two combatants went past him, Genma decided to
interfere. A hard whack from one of his signs dazed the
Chinese girl long enough for Genma to throw Ranma's pack
to him and run out of the restaurant.

Lurker: ...

Trunks: ...

Yohko: Anou...

Tita: ...ararararara...

It took Shampoo a few seconds to regain her senses.
Looking around, she saw that her quarry had escaped. After
smashing a third wall for good measure, Shampoo ran after
the duo.

[Four whooshing sighs of relief]

Lurker: Whew...that was too close for comfort.

Trunks: Better not to relax too much yet...

Yohko: I hope Shampoo didn't notice who nailed her...

<What the hell were you doing back there!? 'Don't worry. I
can handle her all right.' You almost got us killed you
moron!!>

Tita: Yeah, what she said!

<Stick it already! I never thought she would try to kill me!>

<What the hell are you talking about!?> Lina screamed.
<That's just what the Guide said she would be doing!! Did
you expect a ramen delivery or what!??>

[All four snicker.]

<I didn't really think they would follow such a moronic law,
you flatchested tomboy!!>

Lurker: Uh-oh.

Trunks: I think Ranma's about to have a serious migraine.

<That you're a ill-tempered, flatchested tomboy!> At just that
moment, the Amazon girl jumped up to the roof, this time
wielding a huge sword.

"SHIT!" Ranma grabbed his backpack and ran. Shampoo
followed, screaming death threats in Chinese.

[All four fall over laughing.] 

<Great work back there Ranma! I'm amazed we're still alive!
Now, finally give me control so I can trash that girl!>

<No! It's my day! And I know how to get that chick off our
tail.>

Lurker: [smacks forehead] What a dope...

<Oh,> Lina said, her voice dripping with sarcasm. After being
chased by a homicidal Amazon for several hours, unable to
do anything, she was in an extremely bad mood. <Just how
you're going to accomplish that?>

<I'm gonna heat water and turn back into a guy. She's
chasing you, so I should be safe.>

Trunks: A sound plan.

<Heat water? Where are you going to heat it?>

"Hey, pop!" Ranma yelled to his father. "Try and gather some
wood. I'm gonna make a fire!"

<That's how,> he added mentally to Lina.

<Fire!?> Lina screamed. <You're nuts! She's gonna see the
smoke miles away!>

Tita: From a little campfire?

Genma took several blank signs out of... somewhere, and
quickly built them into a campfire.  Then he straightened up
and took out one more sign. It read: "Would you please start
the fire, son? It's kind hard to do with paws."

Trying hard to ignore Lina's constant ranting, Ranma settled
down to light the fire.

Lurker: o/~ Come on baby light my fire... o/~

[The rest of the group facefaults.]

Shampoo soon noticed a near-by pillar of smoke. She was
sure the redhead was somewhere around here. It was worth
investigating.

Lurker: A pillar of smoke, from a campfire? I can see a thick wisp,
maybe, but a pillar?

<She's going to come here any second now!>  Lina's ranting
had slowed down a little. Even she couldn't go on for long
without losing some of her fire.

[Lurker opens his mouth, only to have it promptly filled with one of
Yohko's shoes.] 

<And I swear to you that if there's an afterlife, I'm going to
kick your ass from here to the realm of chaos and back!>

Tita: Yeah, you tell 'im Lina!

This time Ranma didn't answer, but lifted the kettle off the
fire, intent on pouring it over himself. Just then an arrow
struck the kettle with a dull metallic clang, knocking it out of
his hands. The contents poured to the ground.

Lurker: [spitting out the shoe] Naturally, it couldn't be that easy.

That evening, at dusk, a diminutive old woman entered
Cunzhuang. Even if her physical stature was by no means
impressive, the villagers knew this woman and knew well the
power she commanded. Elder Cologne of Joketsuzoku was
seldom a wanted guest, but she was always given the most
courteous of greetings.

Lurker: Kinda like the seven-foot-tall guy with ragged bits of flesh
stuck in his teeth that shows up in a cosmetics boutique? 

[The others stare at Lurker, growing sweatdrops.]

He Chia-liang, leader of the village of Cunzhuang came
running as he heard of the Amazon elder's arrival. "Honoured
Cologne," He bowed low. "What brings you to our village."

Lurker: [Imitating village elder] "And more importantly, when will
you be leaving?"

With a sigh, Ranma collapsed on his sleeping bag. The
Amazon and chased after him and Pop for most of the day.

Lurker: had chased

Since they woke up at the same moment,  both tried
instinctively take control of the body and ended up hitting
their metaphysical heads together. This caused quite a
headache and left nobody in control.

Yohko: That's gotta suck.

"You know, pops," Lina said, creating a ball of energy in her
hand. "You have a really lousy memory."

Genma immediately started sweating. Frantically he flipped
the sign over and knelt down, bowing. "I'm sorry Lina-san.
Please don't kill me," said the other side of the sign.

[The reviewers snicker.]

Inwardly, Ranma grimaced. He had always known his father
wasn't the most courageous of persons, but it still bothered
him how easily Lina had scared him into what seemed to be
total submission. Sure, Lina seemed to be powerful, but she
wasn't _that_ scary!

Lurker: Trust me. Be afraid. Be very afraid. 

Genma took out another sign. "We need to get moving." He
flipped it over. "The Amazon might be near."

Lina crawled out of her wet sleeping bag. "Always eager to
run away, eh?" She asked.

Genma nodded his head, unthinking.

"Thought so," Lina said and started packing her things.

[The reviewers bust out laughing.]

Hesitantly Genma let go and looked around, as if to make
sure he really was on the ground again. Then, he studied the
sign standing on the roadside for a while, looked around
again, looked at the sign, peered at both roads and finally
pointed at the dirt road and took out a sign. "This way."

Lina shrugged. Any direction was as good as any for her.
"Okay, lets go then." The two continued to follow the dirt
road.

Lurker: Which is probably the wrong road...

Looking around the outsider's camping place, Shampoo
frowned. It was clear that they had spent the night here, but
there were no tracks leading away from the place. It was like
the outsider girl had disappeared into thin air...

Shampoo started circling the abandoned camp in a widening
circle. Hopefully they hadn't bothered to cover their tracks for
long.

Lurker: Hah. Good luck finding them...

Well, there wasn't much she could do to correct their meal
situation now, nor was there much she could do to ease her
frustrations. Whining to Genma was no fun since he just
cringedand started begging for mercy. Complaining to
Ranma was equally unproductive, since it always escalated
into an argument, and Ranma being a voice inside her head
(or vice versa), she couldn't physically pound him which
made it much less satisfying.

Lurker: Heh.

Lina picked up a stick and started doodling on the ground,
bored. A fine mess she had found herself in this time. She
was in the future, in a world a thousand years away from her
own time. A world filled with Amazon tribes with totally
ridiculous customs, strange martial arts, and all that strange
'technology' she had witnessed and heard of.

Lurker: If she thinks it's bad now, wait until she gets to the modern
world...

A world where the Mazoku were no more,  where her magic
was weak, and where she had only one person she could call
a friend: Ranma. And Ranma was a loudmouthed,
overconfident jellyfish brain who had a total idiot for a father
and because of whom she had to keep half of her time doing
nothing. It was also because of Ranma that she was alive at
all.

A fine mess indeed.

Tita: Poor Lina...

Ranma wrung water out of his ponytail and cursed. Again,
the day had started out just fine, and he had been able to
change back to his proper form. But, somewhere in the
afternoon, dark clouds had started to gather over them. Soon
after that the two travellers had been making their way in the
middle of a fierce rainstorm.

Lurker: Typical.

<Basically, if several conditions, such as a correct angliment

Lurker: Alignment...

<Whoa, whoa, whoa! What the hell are you trying to say,
Lina?>

There was a silence for a second. <You didn't understand a
thing, did you?>

Lurker: You expected otherwise?

Lina muttered a few choice oaths under her breath. She
hated being broke. And she hated the modern money system
even more. Earlier that morning, before had Ranma
awakened up, Lina had tried to get something to eat with
Genma's paper money she had 'borrowed', only to find out
that it was of wrong type. She had tried to make Ranma
explain it to her, but the boy didn't seem to understand the
stuff very well himself, and to Lina it sounded ridiculous.

Lurker: I guess turnabout is fair play...

Later, when she had went back and tried to bully Genma into

Trunks: had gone back

"It's too hot here and I'm hungry and I don't have any decent
clothes and I'm hungry and I'm tired of just walking on to
who-knows-where that's on the other side of this continent
and it's boring and I'm HUNGRY!!"

[The reviewers sweatdrop.]

Yohko: What's her problem?

Trunks: I think she's hungry.

[The others facefault.]

<You ain't the only one who's stuck inside somebody's head
half of the time, and now I hafta suffer from your whining too!
There's nothing you can do to change that stuff now, so why
don't you just be a man and take it you tomboy?>

Lurker: Oh, that was brilliant.

<I'm NOT a tomboy, and I most definitely am not a MAN YOU
STUPID TACTLESS JERK!>

Tita: Tell 'im Lina!

<You sure ain't a girl either, not with that chest size!>

[Tita starts glowing blue. The rest of the gang takes cover.]

<Why, you... MORON!!!>

<TOMBOY!!!>

<IDIOT!!!>

<CRAZY CHICK!!!>

Trunks: Extremely mature and intellectual argument. 

Genma decided that it would be best to take several steps
back, considering the quite intense aura that was building up
around Lina.

[The two male members of the review crew have wisely dived behind the
convenient blast shielding of the theater.]

Shampoo sped down the road, her hair trailing behind her in
the breeze. It had indeed been a lucky break that she had
found this bicycle. It had been easy enough to persuade the
previous owner to give it to her. After all, a mere postman
didn't need it nearly as much as an amazon warrior hunting
for her prey.

Lurker: [dryly] Of course not...

Suddenly, there was a giant explosion in the horizon,
throwing huge gouts of flame thirty meters into the air.
Though the explosion was kilometers away, it was clearly
visible to the ridgetop Shampoo currently was on.

[The entire group facefaults.]

All four: Liiiiiiiiiiiiinaaaaaaaaaa.....

<I... Oh, damn it all!.> Lina was too weak to argue right now.
Grabbing her backpack that had somehow survived the
explosion, she clambered out of the crater, grumbling at
herself, at Ranma and at the world in general.

"One way or another, I'll get something to eat." The young
sorceress muttered.

[The lower hull of the Lurkerdrome threatens to rip open as the four
reviewers attempt to facefault straight through it.]

<LOTS!> Lina said, smiling. She had forgotten her anger. At
the moment she had more important matters in her mind,
mainly the fish and how to cook it, and if she should give any
to Genma. After a very brief internal struggle she decided
that since she had caught the fish, they were hers. If
Ranma's lazy idiot father wanted something, he'd better catch
it himself.

Lurker: I got no problem with that logic...

Tita: Me either.

A few minutes later, Shampoo smiled. The outsider girl was
below her, gathering firewood, seemingly completely
oblivious to Shampoo's presence. It was time to end this.
Screaming her battlecry, Shampoo dropped down, her sword
drawn.

Lurker: Once again throwing the element of surprise out the window...

"MEGABRUNTO!" The spell coursed through Lina, drawing
the last remnants of her magical strength to her outstretched
hand. Lina's hair suddenly turned white as the spell was
released.

Tita: Ack! That can't be a good thing...

Shampoo barely had time to scream as she was engulfed in
flames. Her world turned red, and the black.

Trunks: and then black

Lina laid down on the ground, panting, and looked as the
magical flames swallowed Shampoo, fried her crisp and then
died down. The Chinese Girl's burned and blackened body
fell down with a thump.

Lurker: Hasta la vista, bimbo.

Trunks: By the way...don't capitalize "girl" there...

Lina blinked, confused at the sudden change of topic, looked
down at Shampoo and then smirked. <What does it look like?
I nailed her!>

Ranma studied the blackened corpse before Lina. He was no
expert, but Shampoo didn't really look that good. <Uhh... Is
she all right?>

Lurker: [smacks his forehead] She's been burned to a crisp and he
wonders if she's alright...

<Huh?> Lina retorted. <All right? Of course she isn't all right!
That's the whole idea! When somebody is after your blood,
you're supposed to blast 'em, not worry about their health!>

<What the hell are you at again!? We can't just let her die
here!>

Lurker: Why not!? The world would be better off minus one Shampoo...

[The fic ends.]

Lurker: Well, that was another great chapter of Half a Sorceress.
Until next time...

[Trunks, Yohko, and Tita leave the Lurkerdrome via teleport. Lurker
retreats to his office. He sits down at his desk, and stares at a
framed photograph, sighing.]

Lurker: Kusottare...

[Crushing the frame, Lurker wads up the photo and tosses it in the
wastebasket. He stands and walks out of the office. Pan in on the
wastebasket, where we see a part of the photograph: the waists of two
figures, both clad in red, standing side-by-side. Waist-length,
braided red hair trails to the side of one of them. Fade to black.]

--------------------------------------------------------------------
"Try to control yourself..."
"Hey, I'm 20. I'm male. I'm single. I'm not 
getting any. What do you expect?"
"...I stand corrected. And you...just...stand."
-Conversation between Lurker and an 
anonymous AOL user
---
The Eternal Lost Lurker
...who uses a Microsoft e-mail client, and is
damned proud of it.
EternalLostLurker@worldnet.att.net
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Garden/9502

Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.
-------------------------------------------------------------------























(For those wondering: yes, there is a reason for the change-up of my
review crew, and yes, it's pretty stupid. What was all that crap at
the beginning about, you wonder? Stay tuned...)