Author's Note:  A long while back I posted a spoof/short of Ah!
Megamisama entitled "One Bad Day"... I've always wanted to expand on it,
now I'm going to...
Warning:  This *is* in bad taste.
PM Productions Presents
A Phillip Masters Fanfic
One of the Unlucky
Part One:  The Definition of Bad Luck

     Keiichi was hungry.  Now, he'd been hungry before, but previously
he had not been stuck answering the damn phone for his sempai while they
jaunted about the town doing whatever in the hell they do all the time.
No, that was just this time, and it made his hunger all the worse for
knowing he could do nothing about it.
     He fingered an empty bag of chips for the fifth time in so many
minutes.  It sat on the table before him, mocking him, laughing at him.
He crumpled it up with a satisfying crinkle and tossed it across the
room.  He then sighed, exasperated, and fell backward.  He cursed as he
banged his head against the mirror behind him.
     While the accident would most likely leave a mark, two things
positive came from the experience.  One, the mirror did not fall and cut
him to ribbons.  Two, in a burst of pain-induced inspiration he thought
of the phone.  That wonderful piece of modern technology that could
magically bring food to your very door at a relatively minimal fee.  
     Keiichi picked up the receiver and picked up the menu for "John's
House of Hamburgers".  He stared at the name, blinked, and put it aside.
The next menu was for a Ramen store, much better.  Nothing like a hot,
steaming bowl of noodles to put fire in the belly.  And, perhaps their
delivery girl looked like Shampoo. 
     He dialed the number for the shop, and was answered by a message
stating that they were not open for another hour.  He tapped the cradle,
reseting the phone and glanced at the clock.  Three-forty five.  Nothing
would be open and delivering at that time!  
     Well, never know if you don't try.  So, as if to find that one
elusive establishment crazy enough to deliver in the afternoon, he began
dialing.  Ten minutes later, no dice.  He kept going, diligent as he
was.  Fifteen minutes, he was beginning to get frantic.  His stomach was
demanding *something* be placed into it quickly or bad things could
happen.  
     It was probably the rumble that literally shook his vision that
made him pick up his original selection, "John's House of Hamburgers".
It was most likely the fact that the menu was a joke by his sempai that
when he dialed the number he didn't get the suspected resturaunt.
Instead he was answered by a female voice that proclaimed, "You have
reached the Goddess Relief Office Helpline... I will be with you
shortly, stay put!"
     He pulled back the phone and stared at it as though it had bitten
him in the ear.  What the hell was that?  Had he accidently dialed one
of those cheesy but sultry sex lines?
     He quickly put the phone back to his ear.  "Um, hello?"  A steady
tone was his only reply.  He hung up the phone, slightly disappointed.
Now, he was hungry *and* frustrated.  Some days simply sucked.  
     Of course, that was when the mirror flared to life behind him.  A
bright, obnoxious glow radiated from it, making Keiichi shut his eyes.
He swiveled around, his eyes wide.  "What in the world...?" was all he
could get out before he was kicked in the face.  
     He fell backward and cracked his back on the table.  He hissed in
pain, not because of the table, but because the foot that had kicked him
came down in a rather uncomfortable place.  A piece of anatomy held in
great contention throughout history.  Men wanting to use it, and women
wanting to remove it.  It could give great pleasure when touched, and
horrendous pain when kicked.  Keiichi was getting the shittier end of
this deal.
     As with most cases of this occurence, Keiichi only wanted to remove
the offending foot.  He grabbed the person by the ankle and hefted them
to the side.  As a result the person could no longer easily exit the
mirror, and had to settle on falling out of it.  
     Keiichi soon found himself buried under about a hundred pounds of
girl, in about forty pounds of robe.  He had about two seconds to ponder
this fact before his head was unceremoniously smashed into the table.
The little old man who lived in Keiichi's skull finally got fed up with
his shinanagins and flipped the switch marked, "Main Consciousness" to
the 'off' position.  Thusly, he was floored.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

     Keiichi awoke to a dull smacking sound.  As his primary systems
re-booted, he found the noise was accompanied by a sharp feeling on his
cheek.  Light poured in through his slitted eyes, and his communications
department tested their machinery in the form of a light groan.
     "Oh, good!  You're okay!  I was worried I had killed my first
client."  The voice came with a ceasing of the slaps, and sounded very
soothing on his ears.  It was a very beautiful voice, one of an "angel,"
as the saying would go.
     Then, everything sort of slipped into the right slots, and Keiichi
sat up very suddenly.  Unfortunately, he moved a little too fast for the
girl's reflexes and his head met hers in a dazzling personal display of
fireworks.
     This time, the little old man decided he'd had enough completely
and moved away.
     He switched the lights off on the way out.
END PART ONE 
This part is ending at this point mostly due to time restrictions... and
I'm tired to boot!  C&C would be greatly appreciated, and if there's no
MST of this I don't know what deserves one.
Thanks for reading,
PMasters (4-28-98)           

"I'm only holding back the rain.  So many raindrops, so many pains.  I
want to find my train someday.  As seasons go past the station." - Tokyo
Babylon OVA 1
/ E-mail at:  PhilMasters@webtv.net /
Web page pending use of a computer!
"...has anyone ever used something alive for a coat of arms?" - The
Sailor Who Fell From Grace With The Sea (Mishima Yukio, 1965) / 
"You see, what you call a cat, we use as armor." - Londs (El-Hazard,
1994)