OK, I'll try one Pop Up Review, VH-1 style, but I'll do it on my own junk
so nobody else will be too offended.
Yeah, I know it's against the list rules to post a review of a Cobb fic,
but this is just an experiment, t'cha?
[AMS] [UY] "Urusei Megamisama!" (9/12)
"Urusei Megamisama!", Chapter Nine: "Judgments and Deliberations"
By Henry J. Cobb
$Id: urusei_megamisama9.txt,v 1.17 1998/04/14 15:13:49 hcobb Exp $
The Ah! Megamisama! characters and situations are the creation of Kosuke
Fujishima.
{Ah! Megamisama! is translated as either "Oh my goddess!" or "Ah, my
goddess!", but really implies no possessive.}
The Urusei Yatsura characters and situations are the creation of Rumiko
Takahashi.
{Urusei Yatsura is a pun. The first word is literally "of the planet
Uru", but is very close to urusai (noisy/bothersome/obnoxious). The
second is a slightly disrespectful term for guys. The title has been
translated as "Those Obnoxious Aliens", but a major contradiction of
the series is that humans are the worst monsters in the universe and
that Ataru is the worst of the lot.}
No infringement of their copyrights is intended.
{Yeah, right.}
----------------------------------------------------------------------
It was quiet, too quiet. Skuld looked up from the ditch. The crowd of
young aliens, from many different planets, stood and stared at something.
Skuld turned to see and felt a sharp pain to her cheek.
Skuld flinched and she felt the pain on her other cheek. Her eyes flashed
open and she swatted Noble Scarlet away from her face. "Why are you
attacking me?"
{Skuld has been a major pain in the neck herself.}
"Kokuun!"(1) The angel hovered just out of reach with a concerned look on
her face.
{Noble Scarlet is Skuld's angel. She showed up for one chapter of the
AMS manga and pushed Skuld around before getting reegged. In the
manga she only said "ko ku" in katakana, but apparently the Uruseiverse
is having punful effects on her vocabulary.}
"Dark clouds?" Skuld glanced out the window. It's dark because it's
nighttime you twit! That's when people are supposed to sleep." Skuld
jumped off of her futon, swung her hammer out of hyperspace and chased the
angel around the room.
{Skuld has only been shown pulling her bombs and other items of
similar size out of her bodice. But she has been shown to suddenly be
holding larger items.}
"Huh?" Ataru sat up on his futon. "What's matter?"
"This little monster attacked me!" Skuld swung at Scarlet, but the angel
ducked behind Ataru.
"Can't be, can it Scarlet?" Ataru asked the angel.
"Kokuun!" Scarlet repeated.
"See, she must have been frightened by a storm or something."
"Look out your window Ataru. It's a clear night. Lots of stars and no
clouds." Skuld tucked the hammer away and crossed her arms.
"But how can she attack you? She is you, right?"
"She's a part of me that's gone bad." Skuld glared at the angel as she
made her way back to the futon.
{The relationship between goddesses and angels has never been clearly
shown, but Peorth did laugh when her angel was tickled.}
Skuld was troubled for the rest of the night. How could her angel be so
out of control? She was too tense to sleep and so was somewhat bleary
eyed when they got to school the next morning.
Shutaro was waiting at the gate. At least he didn't have his sword out.
"My goddess, where have you been? What did this miscreant do to you?"
{This is a pun at the title of her series.}
Skuld tried to edge around him. "It's OK, we were just studying history."
"Studying... history?" Shinobu giggled.
{I'm not crude enough to say what subject she supposes.}
"No, it's true." Skuld insisted. "But there's one thing. Shutaro, why
don't you wear two swords like Ushiwaka Maru did?"
{Actually, Shutaro is a young master, who hasn't earned his second
sword yet.}
"That's from a latter tradition Skuld." Ataru offered. "You see, rich
merchants would purchase a licence to wear a single sword for
self-defense. It didn't work too well. Anybody wearing a single sword
was clearly no good with it."
"You dare to make such an accusation? By the honour of the Mendo clan,
you die now dog!" Shutaro swung his sword down at Ataru's head, but Ataru
rolled back behind his usual sword trap and threw sword and wielder into
the schoolyard wall.
{Trapping a sword between the palms is a very advanced trick. Ataru
knows it because he's a ninja. Ataru is a ninja because Ms Takahashi
thinks that ninja are clowns.}
"Shutaro!" Shinobu ran to his side.
"Come on, we'll be late for class." Skuld grabbed Ataru's hand and she
dragged him along with Noble Scarlet following. "Keep that up and he'll
really kill you some day."
"Aw, he's more likely to cut himself."
Shutaro glared at Ataru when he entered the classroom, apparently
physically unhurt, but Ataru kept his tongue and no further violence
erupted.
"It's good to see you three back in class." Sensei Onsen-Mark noted while
taking the roll. "How was your vacation?" He asked rhetorically.
"Kokushi."(2) Scarlet offered to his annoyance.
Skuld had a harder than usual time staying awake during Onsen-Mark's
history lecture.
"The national population during medieval times was limited by the food
supply and so was about equal to the national production of foodstuffs,
the primary one being rice and what do we call the approximate per-person
annual consumption of rice during this time?"
The snickers of the class woke Skuld up. Most of the students were
looking towards Scarlet's seat. The angel held her hand up.
Onsen-Mark walked over to her seat. "Yes Scarlet, what is the answer?"
"Koku!"(3) Scarlet proudly announced.
Onsen-Mark grimaced. "I trust none of you will forget this anytime soon."
{There are many different meanings of koku. Japanese has a more
limited set of sounds and so puns abound.}
As the class walked towards the biology lab, Shinobu asked. "Skuld can
you come with me after school?"
"Sure." Skuld replied. "I'm sorry about that incident this morning."
"Actually, I'm more peeved about your cutting out on me yesterday and
leaving me alone against that frog." Shinobu leaned over to whisper in
Skuld's ear. "Never comment on the size of a man's sword. It can only
lead to trouble."
After the last class of the day, Skuld instructed her angel. "Can you
keep an eye on Ataru for a while please?"
Scarlet nodded.
"If you let him run off with any more bimbos I'll have you plucked."
{Just how solidly physical are these angels?}
"Kokushi!"(4) Scarlet flew off after Ataru.
"What was that about history?" Shinobu asked as Skuld followed along.
"Kurama took Ataru back in time to see her father. Apparently she's
about a thousand years old."
"Ataru's always had a thing for older women."
"Poor Sensei Sakura." Skuld filled Shinobu in the adventure in the past.
"So even Kurama's given up on Ataru. You're the only one left with any
faith in him Skuld."
"It's my job."
"But why did she say she'd return and what's that about destiny?"
"I don't know." That little comment worried Skuld too.
"Here we are." Shinobu opened the door to a dress shop.
"What?"
"Skuld, could you help me pick out a dress for the opera?"
{This scene is straight out of the third Project A-ko movie.}
"Oh, sure."
Shinobu took a blue dress off the rack, sighed and put it back.
"What's the matter?" Skuld asked.
"I like the blue dress, but I can only afford this red one."
{Eiko settled for the red dress when the blue one was already sold.}
"Go ahead and try it on."
"What?"
"You can pay me back after you get to be Mrs Shinobu Mendo."
"You're not still mad that I've dumped Ataru for good?"
"No, like I said. It's my job, not yours. Maybe somebody good for him
will show up."
{Doesn't she know better than to say such things? I guess it's not
tempting the Fates, because she's a Norn.}
"What do you think?" Shinobu turned around in the dress.
"You look lovely. Here, try these earrings on."
"Shoe earrings?"
"You're Cinderella aren't you?"
{Two more references to Project A-ko III, "Cinderella Rhapsody"}
As they approached the counter Shinobu asked. "Why the panties?"
"I need a few pairs."
{Are they bunny undies?}
"Hey, we wear the same size."
That's not all we share. Skuld was grateful that Ataru wasn't along to
comment.
"Bank of Asgard?" The clerk asked.
{Do they keep the Rhine Gold there?}
"Just run the card through the scanner." Skuld urged. "My credit is very
good."
Skuld considered Kurama's parting words as she soaked in the tub that
evening.
"Excuse me." Cherry was standing right next to the tub.
{Cherry often pops up, but catching somebody in the bath is more like
Ranma's wet and wild theme.}
"Hyiiiiiii!" Skuld hammered him out the window, breaking it.
"Kokushi?"(5) Scarlet flew into the bathroom and looked at the figure
flying off in the distance.
"What's wrong?" Ataru ran in and stared at Skuld standing there.
"Hyiiiiiii!" Skuld hammered him out the broken window. Scarlet ducked
out of the way.
{See Volume 8, part 16 of the UY! manga.}
"The gods frown at abuse of holy persons." Cherry reached for the bean
rolls on the living room table, but Ataru snatched the bowl away.
{Doesn't he realise he's talking to holy Skuld, daughter of god?}
{Actually, Kamisama probally isn't Skuld's father in the real AMS
storyline.}
{Keiichi probally isn't either.}
"What makes you think you're a holy person?" Skuld, now dressed, asked.
"Hey Cherry, where you been lately?" Ataru asked. "And why aren't you
back there now?"
"I've been on a pilgrimage to India. There is an interesting new sect of
Buddhism there. What do you know of the goddess Belldandy, Skuld?"
{The priest Belldandy and company displaced in the manga storyline
never showed up again, AFAIK.}
Skuld slammed her palms down on the table and glared down at the
self-described holy man. "What do you want with my sister?"
"I thought you might be involved with this. I want nothing. Buddha will
reveal all in time. I shall simply watch. I'd watch her too Ataru, if I
was you."
"Well, I know what I'd like to watch." Ataru got to his feet.
"And what is that?" Cherry looked up at him.
"You flying out of here." Ataru grabbed the tiny priest by his collar.
"Hey, hey!" Cherry complained.
"Bye!" Ataru dropkicked the deranged monk out the front door.
{Ataru is less respectful of Cherry here than in UY!}
"Such is fate." Cherry noted along his ballistic arc.
Scarlet clapped twice and bowed her head.
{This is supposed to awaken whatever you're about to pray to.}
"Life is just fun and games for you, isn't it?" Skuld asked her angel.
"Well, just remember who he was threatening!"
Skuld popped out her wrist video phone.
{This isn't a gizmo she's shown in the manga or the anime.}
Urd's annoyed face appeared. "Hey, they're running a Beavis and Butthead
marathon!"
{This is a reference to the "Urd and Skuld do Beavis and Butthead"
and was written before the reference in the Dark Horse comics.}
"Be on the lookout for a three-foot tall Buddhist priest." Skuld warned.
"He's after Belldandy."
{Ancient priests in manga tend to shrink way down. Compare Happi from
Ranma or Sailor Mars' grandfather.}
"Uh, OK, if he shows up here I'll keep him entertained. Now put my show
back on."
School had just let out Thursday afternoon when Skuld suddenly sensed
danger in the schoolyard, but turned too late.
"Guramaa-sama!"(6) Ataru ran in front of Skuld and took the ray blast
full on the chest. He fell down to his knees in front of Princess
Kurama. The princess was holding a raybeam rifle.
{If Ms Takahashi had intended this pun she would have used it at least
once.}
"Koku!" Scarlet pulled out her flaming sword and chased after some Tengu
who had arrived with their princess.
{What's got her ticked off?}
"Ataru!" Skuld rushed up to him. "Are you OK?"
"Not this again!" Ataru opened up his, er her own shirt to look at her
new breasts.
"Kurama!" Skuld complained. "I thought you said you were through with
Ataru. Why are you still flipping his gender?" Skuld turned back towards
Ataru. "Button your shirt back up. We're in public!"
{Ranma reference, Akane said this after she had unbuttoned onna-Ranma
against the school wall.}
"Sorry about that." Kurama took careful aim at Ataru and blasted him back
to his usual gender, then turned to bring the raygun to bear on Skuld.
"What are you doing?" Skuld knocked the gender blaster from Kurama's
grasp with her extending hammer.
{She used this in the fourth AMS OAV.}
"But, don't you want to be changed?" Kurama stooped down to pick up the
blaster and looked up at the goddess.
"Why should I want my gender changed?" Skuld demanded.
"Oh, so you prefer it like this?" Kurama slung the rifle on her back, took
Skuld into her arms and kissed the smaller girl on the lips.
"Waaaah!" Skuld pushed away from Kurama.
{This must be a play on the "Oneesama!" references in El Hazard and
AMS.}
"So that's why you tried to keep me away from Kurama!" Ataru pointed an
accusing finger at Skuld. "You wanted her for yourself!" He turned and
pushed his way through the crowd of students.
"Ataru wait!" Skuld rushed after him.
Scarlet abandoned her chase, banished her sword and followed Skuld, leaving
the Tengu to collapse on the ground, breathing heavily.
Kurama was left alone in the crowd.
"Megane, what do we do about this?" Chibi asked.
"Later." Megane turned away.
{The gang of four aren't getting much mileage in this story.}
Saturday at noon, after classes, Sakura took Skuld out to lunch.
{Five and a half days of school a week in Japan.}
"We'll have two large Beefbowl specials." Sakura ordered. "And what do
you want Skuld?"
"A small vegetable bowl will do, thanks."
{A true vegan wouldn't eat so much ice cream.}
While they waited for their order, Skuld turned to her teacher. "You
wanted to talk to me about something?"
"Yes, it's about Ataru. I think it's about time."
"Huh?, he's only improved a little bit."
"Exactly, it's time to dump him."
{This is the scene Sakura and Lum do when Lum's forgotten Ataru's
birthday.}
Skuld sat in stunned silence for several seconds after hearing this. "But,
Sensei Sakura, we don't have any sort of personal relationship. It's purely
professional."
{But Lum's reaction is quite different.}
"Then be very sure of that."
As they ate, the speed at which Sakura put food away reminded Skuld of
somebody, even if she did it with far more grace than he ever had. Skuld
flinched at the memory.
{Who is she remembering here? There are a few monster eaters in AMS,
but Sensei Sakura puts them all to shame.}
"Is there something the matter?" Sakura looked up.
"No Sensei, I was just thinking about somebody I once used to know."
Skuld picked at her meal.
Later Saturday afternoon, Skuld arrived at Shinobu's house.
"I'm so glad you've come Skuld." Shinobu's mother met the goddess at the
door. "She's in such a tizzy."
"What's the matter Shinobu?"
Shinobu turned away from the bathroom mirror. "I just can't do it Skuld!
The society press will be there and I've never even known anybody who's
been in the paper."
"Relax Shinobu. You've got the natural grace of a princess. And you don't
have to do anything. Just follow Shutaro around quietly and I doubt
anybody will pay you the slightest attention. Now, what can we do with
your hair?"
{Not very liberated for a goddess.}
Skuld found Ataru and Scarlet working on their homework when she returned
to his room. She supposed that the angel's steady encouragement somehow
filled a need of his, something he'd lacked.
Skuld was shocked when she leaned over the angel's shoulder. "That's
godscript!"
{Are the angels really literate? But with Skuld's word-power, this
isn't too farfetched.}
"Yeah, she always does her homework and tests like that." Ataru pointed
his pencil at the angel's tiny notebook. "Haven't you noticed?"
"But, why doesn't Sensei Onsen-mark complain? He can't even read this!"
"He gets Sensei Sakura to grade Scarlet's papers. I think he's doing it
just to have an excuse to see her. Not that he has any chance with her
because..."
Scarlet raised one eyebrow at Ataru.
"Sensei Sakura can read this?" Scarlet wondered.
Late that evening, Skuld felt a sudden unease and stood up from her futon.
As she walked out of Ataru's room, Scarlet took flight and followed her.
"You feel it too?" The goddess in pajamas asked her angel in white
gossamer.
{Once again Scarlet outdoes Skuld and the goddess hardly notices.}
"Koku!" Scarlet nodded.
"I'm just tense. Maybe a glass of milk will help." As Skuld walked down
the stairs she felt that somebody was running towards her. Somebody
extremely angry.
"Shinobu!" Skuld opened the front door to the Moroboshi house just before
the other girl could knock.
Scarlet quietly gasped.
"Why does she hate you so?" Shinobu shook her fist at Skuld.
Skuld stared at Shinobu's new blue dress, now in soggy tatters, her hair
was a tangled mess and one of her shoe earrings was missing. How could
she have followed me here? How could she have known about Shinobu? Skuld
glimpsed into Shinobu's mind, but the image there was of the face of an
unfamiliar human girl with large jet black eyes and straight auburn hair
tied back with a red ribbon, delicately laughing.
{Skuld doesn't use telepathy in the manga and Belldandy only used it
once.}
"I don't know who you're thinking of." Skuld stood in shock.
"Fine, just be that way then!" Shinobu clinched her fists, but turned and
ran back in the direction of her own house.
Sunday, Shinobu refused to take Skuld's calls. There was only a tiny
article on the opera in the back section of the paper and no mention of
Shutaro or Shinobu.
{When you're rich enough, you can buy the freedom of the press.}
"What's so interesting in the paper today?" Ataru asked, as Skuld handed
the society section back to his father.
"Nothing." Skuld considered asking Ataru, but she knew he'd rush over to
Shinobu's and make everything worse.
Monday morning, neither Shutaro nor Shinobu met them at the schoolgate.
Both were waiting in the classroom. Shutaro seemed greatly embarrassed
while Shinobu steamed with quiet anger.
At lunchtime, Scarlet fluttered over to take her usual perch on Ataru's
shoulder while he ate. He seemed to be saving his lunchbox until lunchtime
lately, just so he could have her there.
{The other angels never stayed around for mealtime and Scarlet just
hovered when Skuld was eating ice cream in the manga.}
Scarlet looked up and stared. "Kuroko!"(7)
{Isn't she supposed to start all of her words with "koku"?}
Skuld looked at Scarlet. What could trigger such a metaphor from her
angel? Skuld turned to look at the door. Two Kuroko, in their black
costumes and flat masks were unrolling a red carpet through the doorway.
Shinobu's knuckles whitened on the edge of her desk and Shutaro's face
paled as the Kuroko turned a corner and finished unrolling the carpet
between them.
The girl from Shinobu's memories walked gracefully through the door in an
elegant kimono with a wide obi. She looked to be about sixteen.
"What do you want here?" Shinobu asked the girl.
"I am not here to see you, but rather Shutaro dear." The girl turned to
Shutaro.
"And what is he to you?" Shinobu asked again.
"Why, we are fiancees." The girl took Shutaro's hand.
{The exact same exchange was used in the UY! manga.}
"What!, He's engaged?!?" Every girl in the class screamed together.
"Stop this foolishness Ryoko!" Shutaro dropped her hand.
Ryoko turned back towards Shinobu. "And now, will you give up and release
your spell over him, goddess?"
"I am not the goddess!" Shinobu stood up.
"But of course." Ryoko covered her face with an antique fan. "Such things
do not exist."
"She's the goddess!" Shinobu pointed at Skuld.
{A reference to "That Girl!", if you're old enough to remember it.}
Ryoko turned around to study Skuld.
Skuld couldn't read this girl's thoughts. She wasn't a total blank like
the Oni. Skuld could sense Ryoko's mind, but her thoughts were hidden
behind some sort of mask. It wasn't the mental discipline that Sakura
used. It was more like Ryoko didn't even reveal her thoughts to herself.
{Oni: demon, fiend, ogre. In Japanese myth these are evil horned
humanoids who trap the unwary to kill them and eat them. In the UY
series Oni are highly romantic aliens from the planet Uru.}
"This is a goddess?" Ryoko asked.
"Sister, I have indulged your whims in a great many things," Shutaro stood
up, "but you will not harm the goddess!"
"So, she's only his sister!" The girls of the class sighed in relief.
"Hey, she's my goddess!" Ataru got up and Scarlet took flight, to buzz
around the Kuroko.
"So my brother is not the only one ensnared?" Ryoko looked shyly over her
fan. "And who are you?"
"Ataru is my current client." Skuld remained seated. She could sense that
the situation was almost explosive.
"And what is this?" Ryoko folded up her fan and pointed with it at the
angel who was now circling her.
"This is my angel, Noble Scarlet." Ataru held up his arm and Scarlet
seated herself on it and folded her wings.
"Your angel?" Skuld turned to Ataru.
{Why didn't she complain about "my goddess"?}
"Oh, so many new things in the world today and I am kept locked up in tower
on the Mendo estate." Ryoko sighed.
{For the safety of all mankind, t'cha?}
"That is not true!" Shutaro glared at his sister.
"Uh, I could come visit you sometime." Ataru offered.
"That would be so kind of you sir." Ryoko bowed ever so slightly to him.
"Never!" Shutaro advanced a step. "Ataru, this is your last warning!
Keep your filthy, lower-class hands off my sister!"
"Ah, but brother, I know your weakness." Ryoko clapped her hands twice and
the Kuroko pulled a black sack over Shutaro's head and then dumped him in
the cleaning closet.
"Aiiiiigh!" Shutaro screamed from inside the closet. "It's dark! It's
cramped!"
"Shu-chan!" Shinobu rushed to the closet.
"So, should I expect you around eight tonight?" Ryoko asked Ataru.
"Sure, I'm free."
"Never! Never!" Shutaro screamed from inside the closet.
{The scene in UY continued for a little while after this, with Shutaro
dropping the cleaning cabinet on Ataru.}
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Notes:
(1) Kokuun: Dark clouds.
(2) Kokushi: National history.
(3) Koku: A measure of rice or value.
(4) Kokushi: Abuse
(5) Kokushi: Buddhist priest.
(6) Guramaa: Sexy woman.
(7) Kuroko: Officially invisible stage hands of Japanese theater.
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Henry J. Cobb hcobb@slip.net http://www.io.com/~hcobb
Next: "Traps and Stages" or "What grenade through yonder window breaks?"