First posted April 1998 (yes, I've had a really bad case of writer's block!)
note: SquareSoft owns the Chrono Trigger copyrights.
SquareSoft owns the Final Fantasy 7 copyrights.
Steven Spielberg and his publishers own the Indiana Jones copyrights.
Miyazaki Hayao and his publishers own the Mononoke Hime copyrights.
Takahashi Rumiko and her publishers own the Ranma 1/2 copyrights.
James Cameron and his publishers own the Titanic copyrights.
Iceberg Gami
by Lizsue (lizsue@mit.edu)
I found a crossover theme song for this crossover story in RealAudio format
at http://www.beef-cake.com/taison/sounds/SPceline.ra and in Mpeg format at
http://www.beef-cake.com/taison/sounds/SPcelinemp3.zip .
(scene: Early morning, in the slums below Sector 5 in the city of Midgar.
Aeris Gainsborough, at age 21, is taking a nap in an abandoned church.)
AERIS: "OUCH!" (Wakes up and grabs a piglet off her neck.) "What the...?"
(Carries it to the kitchen.)
P-CHAN: "Bwee?!"
AERIS: "Hmm, do I want bacon for a snack? No, I'm just thirsty." (Starts
boiling water for tea.)
P-CHAN: "Bwee!" (Runs into the teapot, splashing himself.) "Sorry ma'am!
I'll be going now!"
AERIS: "Wait, you owe me an explanation. What did you do to me?!"
RYOGA: "Oh, okay...I've never revealed this secret before, but...well, we're
vampires. I'm sorry, I would have picked a better target, but when I
was looking for blood I got really lost and I was starving by the
time I met you...."
AERIS: "I'm a vampire?! Now what?"
RYOGA: "Well, don't believe the hype about sunlight. The stuff about living
forever and never aging unless you get beheaded or something is true,
though."
AERIS: "Okay...I'll need some time to adjust...but you were a pig! Is that
a vampire thing too?!"
RYOGA: "No, that's something different called a Jusenkuyo curse...."
(scene: Time passed, the local electric company nearly wrecked the planet,
the resistance allied with Aeris, people died. Cloud is holding Aeris'
unmoving, recently skewered body at the surface of the Shell Pool.)
CLOUD: (thinks) I won't let go. I promise. (He releases her and she sinks
into the blue water. She seems to fade out like a spirit returning
to some immaterial plane.)
(scene: The bridge of the time machine Epoch, shortly before the last battle
of Cloud and company together.)
LUCCA: "...I'm not sure, but I think the battle will be on Saturday, give or
take a few days."
MARLE: "Hey, wait a minute. Saturday is my birthday party. They can't have
the fight on Saturday!"
CRONO: "..."
LUCCA: "I don't know what to do, dude. Do we go to the fight, or Marle's
birthday?"
MARLE: "Marle's birthday!"
AYLA: "We can't miss the final apocalyptic battle between good and evil!"
(scene: A few days after Meteor attacked. Everyone's hanging out in the
courtyard of Midgar Public Library and watching an airship appear out of
thin air.)
AYLA: (Stepping out of Epoch, holding a sandwich and a remote control.) "Hi!
Anyone here seen a one-winged evil guy called Sephiroth? I have to
pay him a little visit." (Switches on the remote control.) "...all of
a sudden my armory is pretty bad ass, huh?"
MARLE: "Dude, launching nuclear weapons is NOT bad ass! We were just going
to watch!"
CRONO: "..."
LUCCA: "Ayla, put your lunch down, put your hands up, and step away from the
button!"
AYLA: "No fair! You can't have all the machines! I invented this thing
before you even thought of it!"
CLOUD: "You're too late. We already killed Sephiroth."
LUCCA: "Oops. Sorry about the timing."
AYLA: (Sulking.) "Oh well." (Holds the unbitten second half of her sandwich
out.) "Want to share my lunch? It's a new frog legs recipe I found."
AERIS: (Walking to the group.) "Hi, I'm back! Did I miss anything?"
TIFA: "YOU'RE ALIVE!" (Runs up to Aeris and is soon joined by the rest of
the party.)
AERIS: "It was just a coma! The shock was too much, you know."
YUFFIE: "Ooh, what's this?" (Sticks an arm out of the group hug and reaches
for the remote control.)
AYLA: (Pulls the remote control away.) "Get away from me!" (She and the
other time travellers return to Epoch and prepare for liftoff.)
CID: "What the !@#$ do you think you're doing?!"
YUFFIE: "Sorry."
CLOUD: (whispers) "I'm sorry Aeris, but I thought I'd never see you
again...."
TIFA: (Clinging to Cloud.) "Don't !@#$ with me."
AERIS: "What?"
TIFA: "You heard me! Stay away from my man, b!+c#, or I'll whup your sorry
little ass back to last year!"
AERIS: "WHAT? You weren't like this before! Calm down!"
YUFFIE: "Yes, you're acting like a freak, Tifa."
TIFA: "I'M NOT ACTING LIKE A FREAK!" (Echoes and punches Aeris so hard that
she flies across the group and lands in the time machine as the door
shuts.)
MARLE: (At the driver's seat.) "SIT DOWN, WE'RE RUNNING LATE!" (Epoch takes
off.)
(scene: The bridge across the moat of Tatara Ba, in a Japanese forest during
the Muromachi era. Kouroku, Eboshi and Toki are leading a caravan of
supplies into the fortress.)
EBOSHI: "...Nice weather we're having."
TOKI: "I'm just glad it's not raining so much anymore...what is THAT?!"
(Points up the river to a big white floating thing.)
KOUROKU: "Uh oh, it's coming this way." (Shouts back to the rest of the
drivers.) "EVERYONE MOVE IT, WE HAVE TO GET OFF THE BRIDGE IMMED-"
EBOSHI: "What's the rush? That thing is not going to hit us." (Aims her
ishibiya and shoots, killing it. It breaks in half and drifts under
the bridge.) "See?"
TOKI: "Good shot."
KOUROKU: "Thanks, Eboshi. OKAY EVERYONE, RELAX."
ICEBERG GAMI: (Dying as it turns into a Tatari Gami and pulls itself back
together.) "Damn humans...can't they let me sleep in
peace?..."
(scene: The bridge of Epoch.)
AERIS: (Walks to a door.) "I'll just hop out for a second...."
LUCCA: "You can't do that!"
AERIS: "Why not?"
LUCCA: "The ship is moving!"
AERIS: "Oh, okay. I guess I'm not that familiar with time machines."
LUCCA: "Marle's driving, so just tell her that you have to leave. She'll
stop."
AERIS: (Turning to Marle.) "Could you please stop the ship? I have to leave
for a short while."
MARLE: "Stopping this thing is a real pain. Can you wait until it's Crono's
turn?"
AERIS: "Marle, seriously, I have to go. Can I PLEASE leave the ship?"
MARLE: (Playing with a puppet.) "I don't know, Aeris. Did you ask Mr.
Sock?"
AERIS: "I don't want to ask Mr. Sock! I'm asking you!"
MARLE: "Oh, I think you should ask Mr. Sock."
AERIS: "Mr. Sock, may I please leave the ship?"
MR. SOCK: "Well Aeris, NO! You hear me? You go to hell! You go to hell
and you die!"
AERIS: "Fine, be that way!" (Jumps out the window and lands several miles
from Tatara Ba.)
(scene: A week later, on the shore of a small lake. Aeris has built a
campsite where she left Epoch.)
AERIS: (Picking some flowers.) "These are really pretty, but the ones back
home...." (sighs) "...maybe I should have stayed on Epoch...."
ICEBERG GAMI: "Hey you." (Using its tentacles, splashes some of its own
water on Aeris, then drifts away.)
AERIS: "What the...?! (Unbuttons shirt and looks inside.) "AAAAAAAAAAAARGH!"
(thinks) Now I know how Cloud felt back at Wall Market, only worse!
ICEBERG GAMI: (thinks) Ah, sweet revenge. I guess that water refill from
Jusenkuyo was good for something....
(scene: Two days later, at a fire exit of Tatara Ba.)
AERIS-KUN: (Knocks on the door.) "Is anyone in here?" (thinks) Good thing I
found this. The main gate looked much too heavy....
GONZA: (Opens the door.) "Hello."
AERIS-KUN: "Hi! May I come in? I really need your help."
EBOSHI: (Walking to the door.) "Sure." (Whispers to Gonza.) "He's probably
not a spy. He seems harmless enough."
AERIS-KUN: "Thanks." (They walk to a courtyard.)
GONZA: "Well, I'm pretty busy so I'll see you later." (Whispers to Eboshi.)
"I hope you're right about this one."
EBOSHI: "So, what brings you here?"
AERIS-KUN: "I need hot water, and you seem to have a good furnace here."
EBOSHI: "Of course." (Hands Aerith-kun the teapot.) "Why did you need the
water?"
AERIS-KUN: "I'm actually female but when I touch cold water I turn male, and
I need hot water to turn back." (Empties the teapot over his
head.) "See?"
EBOSHI: "What happened?"
AERIS: "I was attacked by an iceberg. It was angered over a bullet wound,
and cursed me by hitting me with magic water."
EBOSHI: "I am sorry about your curse. That bullet surely belonged to me.
That stupid iceberg; if he wanted to curse someone, he should've
cursed me."
AERIS: "Why were you shooting ice in the first place?"
EBOSHI: "It just seemed like a good idea. Things that big can be
dangerous."
AERIS: "Hmm...Can I have an ishibiya too?" (thinks) Maybe Sephiroth might
not have bothered attacking me if I was better armed....
(scene: It's a few hundred years later. Unable to return to Midgar, Aeris
has been wandering the planet under dozens of different names and both
genders. At the moment, he's trying to stop a suicide attempt on the North
Atlantic.)
ROSE: "...Alright." (She unfastens one hand from the rail and reaches it
around toward him. He reaches out to take it, firmly.)
AERIS-KUN: (thinks) Let's see, what's the fake identity of the week?
(Pauses.) "I'm Jack Dawson."
ROSE: (voice quavering) "Pleased to meet you, Mr. Dawson...."
(scene: Ext. forward well deck and crow's nest at night, two days later.
Rose and Jack, fully dressed, come through a crew door onto the deck. They
can barely stand, they are laughing so hard. Meanwhile, at this point the
boat is already doomed.)
JACK: (Squints at the ocean.) "Uh oh...." (thinks) That thing's way too
close...but the only thing I can use to push it away had to be
smuggled on board....
ROSE: "What's wrong?"
JACK: "Uh...well...by the way, your shoelace is untied." (As she looks away
and kneels to tie her shoe, he shoots the iceberg several times with
the ishibiya.)
ROSE: (Done with her shoe.) "What was that?"
JACK: (Hiding the ishibiya again.) "That...that was a pigeon." (thinks) Oh
well, if that didn't work nothing will....
(scene: Up above them, in the crow's nest, lookout Fleet hears the
disturbance below and looks around and back down to the well deck, where he
can see two figures embracing. The ocean is visible behind him.)
ICEBERG GAMI: (Wakes up from a decades-long nap.) "When will they ever learn
that you just don't shoot a god?" (Charges at the boat,
hastening the crash.)
(scene: Two hours later. Time passed, the boat sank, the lifeboat supply
ran out, people died. Rose is half-conscious on some flotsam and prying
Jack's frozen hands from her own.)
ROSE: "I won't let go. I promise." (She releases him and he sinks into the
black water. He seems to fade out like a spirit returning to some
immaterial plane.)
JACK: (thinks) Someone take away Cameron's PlayStation before he films
again. (Falls into an undead coma as his brain freezes too.)
(scene: The ocean floor, several decades later. A geothermal vent opens up
in the silt. It scares some fish, warms up some bits of shipwreck, and
gently thaws out a body.)
JACK: (Slowly waking up and swimming to the surface.) "Zzzz...." (thinks)
Who...me? Name week...forgot...me hungry, though.... (Notices a
heart-shaped, bite-sized object stuck on some coral and eats it.)
"Mmm, crunchy." (thinks) Okay, me...vampire! Dracula? No, don't
sound right...Aeris! That's it...wow, I haven't used my real name in
such a long time....
(scene: The next morning, two and a half miles directly above the new vent.)
AERIS-KUN: (Crawling onto a boat.) "...AIR!" (Takes several deep breaths.)
"Okay, where's the hot water...?" (Sees Rose emerging onto the
main staircase.) "Hi...." (thinks) Wow, I still recognize you!
(Smiling, holds out his hand towards her.)
ROSE: (thinks) Is it really you?! I thought it was just a dream last
night.... (She goes into his arms, a woman of 101. The passengers and
crew smile and applaud. As the couple kisses, a bit of her blood
trickles onto her new fangs. Meanwhile, the light filter drops down
to nothing, sharply increasing the glare.)
LUCCA: (Watching from a window of Epoch, several feet above the boat, and
crying.) "Waaaaah!" (thinks) Ow, my eyes!
(scene: Later that day, at lunchtime. Everyone's having a picnic next to
the rail.)
LOVETT: "...so, what did happen to it?"
RYOGA: (Walking to the table with Nabiki and Indiana Jones.) "...that temple
should be just around the corne- Oops."
ROSE: "I put the diamond back where it belongs." (Points overboard.) "How
could I live with myself if I profited from such a bad engagement?"
LIZZY: "Cool, a grave offering."
JONES: "IT BELONGS IN A MUSEUM!"
ROSE: "YOU BELONG IN A MUSEUM!"
NABIKI: "Pardon me, but if this thing is so valuable, why didn't you sell it
and use the money for charity? Think of how many starving children
you could have fed with the profits!"
RYOGA: "Who are you and what did you do with Nabiki?"
NABIKI: "Didn't you know? Half the money I rip off Ranma and Kuno goes to
Oxfam."
AERIS-KUN: (coughs) "AACK!" (Watches everyone at the table jump on the
diamond.) "Eww! Knock it off! It's still covered in phlegm!"
ICEBERG GAMI: (Drifting up to the rail.) "You filthy humans. Feel my pain
and hatred." (Watches everyone in the boat turn and go into
shock at the sight, especially now that the daylight reveals
its tentacles.)
AERIS-KUN: "Don't worry, I'll handle this." (Splashes himself with a
teapot.)
ROSE: "Oh my." (Facefaults.)
AERIS: "Excuse me." (Runs through the crowd, jumps over the rail, and
readies her staff in midair.)
ICEBERG GAMI and AERIS: (in unison) "THIS TIME WE FINISH IT. THERE CAN BE
ONLY ONE!"
(scene: The bridge of Epoch, still hovering above the boat.)
AYLA: (Still crying.) "Ah, sweet revenge." (Picks up the remote control.)
LUCCA: "I thought I told you to get rid of those nuclear missiles! Don't
tell me that iceberg hit you too!"
AYLA: "Not that! When I was eighteen, it nearly blinded me! My eyes are
still damaged!"
MARLE: "How do you get blinded by frozen water?!"
AYLA: "The same way you get snow blindness. Back when it was still a
glacier, I had to walk across it."
CRONO: "..."
(scene: A bright white light.)
ROSE: "Oh my God, you killed Aeris Gainsborough! You bastard!"
The end.