[We open on our usual coffee-table and armchair setting, but
things are slightly different this time. HOTARU sits in one
chair, staring off to the side with a worried expression on
her face. In the other chair is SEAN. He is currently bound
and gagged. Every now and then he struggles to escape his
bonds. As we look around the room, we can see that a struggle
has been taking place recently. HOTARU looks up.]
HOTARU: Hi, and welcome to what was supposed to be a simple,
normal review of the fourth act of Chris Davies'
latest epic, Together Again 1996. I had some things
to do last night, so Sean said he'd read the fic and
summarize it for me this morning.
[Pause.]
HOTARU: When I returned I found Sean about to slit his wrists
open with a large knife. After I wrestled it away
him, I tried to find out what was going on. For a
few minutes, it looked as if Sean was back to normal.
Being an IDIOT, I went to get him some tea. When I
got back, he'd found our gun and was placing it to
his head. I knocked him out and tied him up, as you
can see.
[HOTARU arranges herself in more of a chatty, casual position.
SEAN continues to struggle.]
HOTARU: With that in mind, let's review Act IV of this thing.
I managed to finish it just now, and think I can begin
to understand why Sean is being such a complete
imbecile.
[SEAN pauses in his struggling to roll his eyes at her.]
HOTARU: But I'll save that for later. First, let's talk about
the good stuff. Mr. Davies continues to use the epic
form of storytelling to an impressive degree. There
is an air of events spiraling out of control that
occurs throughout this fic, and it's that which gives
it its compelling mood.
[Pause.]
HOTARU: But more about that mood later on. I think Sean
already mentioned in a previous review his dislike
for the characters of Raye, Ayeka, and Shampoo, so
you can imagine how he feels about the three of them
together. Beyond that, the characterization was
fabulous, with Kasumi and Minako coming off
particularly well.
[SEAN slumps in his chair, and appears to be crying. HOTARU
notices this.]
HOTARU: More on Minako in a minute as well. I was especially
pleased that we finally see a fanfic where Kasumi and
Belldandy DESPISE each other, albeit with good reasons
for both of them. Which reminds me, if Sean were able
to speak, he'd probably want to do his death
predictions here. I'll fill in. This chapter saw two
deaths, one from KOR, and the other one of Chris'
original characters. I sincerely doubt that's it. I
am fairly positive that Keiichi will die, and I
suspect Kasumi will as well. Perhaps Youshou.
[HOTARU glances back at Sean, and sighs.]
HOTARU: So, to sum up, the characterization was impeccable,
and the mood very well done. Oh, and Chris writes a
damn good script, too. I prefer prose, but it works
here for some reason. Now, let's move on to why Sean
is a tad upset.
[Pause.]
HOTARU: Recently, Sean got into an argument with another
author, John Biles, over the way Mr. Biles wrote *his*
epic works. In particular, Sean was annoyed at the
habit John has of telling us how characters will
eventually die - 'They lived happily for 400 years,
until they were assassinated', that sort of thing.
Sean feels that this undermines the purpose of the
happy ending, and leaves the reader with a vague
feeling of depression.
[HOTARU leans a little closer to the screen.]
HOTARU: [softly] This is, of course, coming from a man who
sees no problem in torturing his *own* characters
the same way.
[SEAN manages to overhear this, and lets out a muffled protest.]
HOTARU: Yes, yes, he gives them happy endings eventually.
[SEAN settles down.]
HOTARU: But if Sean has a problem with John's happy endings
eventually being undermined, you can imagine how he
feels about Mr. Davies' universe. For one thing, these
stories are being written backwards. If I'd come to
this story cold, and read the scene with Minako and
Kasuga Akane, it would have been incredibly sad. I
would have suspected that it would take Minako months
to work it out.
[SEAN begins sobbing again in the background.]
HOTARU: But thanks to Chris releasing 2937, I know that Minako
will live in unhappy guilt and torment for almost a
thousand years, until Mr. Davies finally mercifully
allows her to die! That's *much* better, of course!
[HOTARU sits up in her chair and tries to get serious.]
HOTARU: We review these fics because Chris is a friend, and
one of the best writers we've seen. However, I think
Chris is going to have to face a cold, hard fact: his
universe depresses the FUCK out of us. If Biles' is
'they lived happily ever after until they died', then
Davies' is 'they suffered mental torment and anguish
for a thousand years and then MAYBE, if they're LUCKY,
they might get a glimpse of happiness. However, more
depression is always around the corner.' Even the
other depressing fics that we've read aren't as bad.
I mean, Bitter End is incredibly depressing, but it's
over in two years. These people are unhappy FOREVER.
[HOTARU sighs, and puts her head in her hands.]
HOTARU: This is coming out all wrong. We love Chris' work.
When Act V comes out, we're going to read it as well.
But it's going to take a while, because Sean's
worldview has a tendency to be 'things will eventually
work out and everyone will be happy', and that is just
not in tune with Chris'. Chris' universe is very
realistic, and tragic, and extremely well created.
[HOTARU glances over at SEAN.]
HOTARU: It's just slightly depressing, is all.
[HOTARU gets up, and tosses the bound figure of SEAN over her
shoulder.]
HOTARU: So, that's 8/10, I think, minus 2 for being depressing
in such a big, epic way. I'm going to go play Pink
Floyd's 'the final cut' at Sean until he cheers up.
Ja ne!
[Fade.]
--Sean Gaffney
--a case suitable for treatment